My Shade Garden Survived

I cleaned out one more garden today and was trilled to find that my Trillium survived. I bought a couple plants last year and once I transplanted them into my garden they seemed to not do well. They are sensitive plants and are protected by law in New York State.

Picking Trillium for their flower can seriously injure the plant. The three leaves (more correctly leafy bracts) below the flower are the plant's only ability to produce food stores and a picked trillium can take many years to recover. For this reason in many areas, e.g. British Columbia, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Washington, it is illegal to pick and/or transplant trilliums from public lands without a permit from the State (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trillium)

I thought for sure that they wouldn't be back this year. Once I cleared away all the old leaves and grass that had overgrown my shaded garden I saw that the two trillium plants had comeback and were getting ready to flower.



My ferns also transplanted to my garden last year and again withered away and died soon after are coming back too. In fact once I cleared away all the grass and dead leaves I saw that all my hostas were back too. It looks like my shade garden will be doing quite well this year. I wonder what I will add to it for next year? Maybe my 50 Grecian windflowers, they will add some nice color to the shades of green mix I have planted already.

One is Improving and the Other is Falling Further Away

It is official my son had a perfect week behavior wise at school. I was so proud of him. He even had a second grade teacher give him a prize for having such a great week. Daddy took him out for ice cream too. Of course once the meds wear off and daddy goes out to play cards I am left with one wound up little boy. He still doesn't have a good way to defuse his anger. He can explode without warning and usually it is B who ends up in the line of fire.

I find myself almost envious of his teacher because she now has the opportunity to spend time with him when he is at his best. I miss all of that. By the time he gets home the meds are waring off and he starts to stim again. He has trouble with his impulse control and at some point that evening I know he will do something to cross the discipline line and I am going to have to be the mean mommy.

I also have to keep on eye on his interactions with daddy, because daddy is the same way and when they both blow at the same time I have to get in between them. It is an awkward position for a wife and mommy to be in. You want to protect your child and at the same time support your spouse. I now find myself protecting my child more than supporting my spouse. That of course does not help us work out our problems. He really doesn't know how scary he can be.

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and we talked about my marital problems and I mentioned scenarios where we have some major issues and he gave me advice on how to handle them better. The only thing is the advice he gave me was almost exactly what I have been doing. It helped me to know I have been doing many things just as good as I could. I have good instincts on what needs to be dome to fix our marriage. Now if I only could figure out how to get him to work on fixing our marriage too.

I have been researching who to call if I have to take this to the next step. Though the way we are living now is as close to a separation as we could get while still living in the same house. He is sleeping on the couch until I decide otherwise. He was living out of his car for a couple of days, but he was having too much fun. This way at least we both spend time with the children and can still go out and have fun once in a while knowing the other one is home with the kids.

I see how meds are helping my sons behavior and I can't help but wonder what they would do for my husband. I wish he would listen to doctors and believe that they really do know what they are doing. He is so quick to point out those who don't take advantage of modern medicine and die or end up sicker, but he won't take the meds he needs and won't get help for his emotional issues that he has because he sees that as a weakness.

I Worry Way to Much

What a long evening, it was horrible, my internet was out. I know that before I had a computer and before I was on line I managed quite well. Now that I have my laptop and wireless internet I can't seem to live without it. I had to shut my computer down while the internet was out so I wouldn't keep checking. I kept hoping that I was back on line and knew I would do nothing else but obsess over the lack of internet.

I spent the night being buried in pillows by my daughter. This used to be the camel game. Today though I was a kitty. She was driving me around and buying me cereal to eat. She has such an amazing imagination. My son and I would never play like this. The closest thing I have seen him playing that used his imagination was when he was obsessed with the TV show "Dirty Jobs". He even had an imaginary worm who played with him.

It always interest me when I notice the differences between them. I wonder if it is a boy/girl difference or an asperger's/neurotypical difference or maybe just a brother/sister difference. I also notice the many similarities in them and wonder if she mimics some of her brother's asperger's traits or is she another child with asperger's.

She stims by flapping her arms just like her brother, she is obsessed with pink. But then again she is a four year old little girl, so pink is a central part of her life. She is sensitive to sound and some flavors.

Of course I also wonder if I am just another paranoid mommy. I always jump to the worse case scenario. If my husband is late I think he was in a car accident. If the kids are quiet I think they are injured or worse. I drive my parents nuts when their phone is off the hook. I jump in the car if I can and drive over to their house to make sure they are okay. Both are diabetics and dad has trouble walking. It is just my nature to be a worry wart I guess.

One Week of Meds

I heard from my sons teacher about how he is at school now that he is taking Adderall XR. She gets the good boy during the day and by the time he is home the meds are wearing off and a meltdown is inevitable. So I asked her for some feedback on how his behavior is different than before he started taking the meds

This is the list of her comments

* Less anxious
* Able to tolerate frustration
* Able to adapt to change
* Works well for subs and special area teachers
* Work is neater, complete within a specified time.
* Transitions better
* More focused on task (even writing)
* Quieter voice levels
* Less self stimming behaviors
* Less distracted

I am so proud of him. I know the meds are helping him and allowing him to control his behavior better. He is making the right choices and now his brain is helping when he makes them. He is on his way to a perfect week behavior wise. It has been so long since we saw five green days all in a row. I hope my expectations aren't to much for the first week on his meds.

His appetite is still on the lighter side and he still has trouble falling asleep. On the plus side he is bright-eyed and bushy tailed in the morning. Though I found out something tragic, my son is a morning singer. He was just singing away this morning as he was getting something to dressed and having a before school snack (he eats breakfast at school). I am not a morning person and the last thing I want to hear is happy singing. Though it was cute I have to admit.

The Hardest Change

I am so tired of him saying one thing and meaning another. I am tired of not knowing what he means and getting yelled at because I couldn't see what he meant to say. I am just so tired. I can only do so much before I just stop. I am the one who looks at the clock and keeps our family on a schedule. I am the one who fixes the frayed nerves of everyone else by the end of the day. I solve the arguments and keep us on track. When do I get my down time?

What I hate the most are the "asperger's fights" as I call them. When daddy and son both are stuck on their own stubborn idea and neither will budge I have to step in. I hate leaving them alone because if this happens without me around who will step in the keep the peace? I know m husband hasn't been diagnosed with asperger's but all evidence points in that direction.

He needs help, he needs to accept help. But he won't, at least I have nothing that leads me to believe that he will ever seek help. He uses such strong language of hatred whenever the subject is opened.

I know that I am at the door about to walk out, or rather ready to have him walk away. Still I don't hate him. I think that is why this is so hard for me. I still love him, but I definitely don't like him right now. If sounds like a conflict and I could never understand when I heard other people say similar things. Right now I worry about him. What will happen when all of this is over? Will he be able to handle it?

He has always said that our marriage would survive. He just knows it will all work out in the end. But he will put no effort into repairing all the cracks and chunks that have fallen out. If reminds me of people who are so religious that they are convinced that God will provide, what ever the crisis weather it be health or another crisis, God will save them. God could be saving them by the offered help, such as medical help, but they don't accept it and the worse thing happens. Oddly he can see it very clearly when others do that, but he can't see that he is doing the same thing that he mocks others for doing.

I fear this summer, I see no joy coming with it this year. I think I will be going through thinks I never thought I would have to do. I don't know how I will manage, and I am thankful for my friends and family who have given me so much support in the last few weeks. I see that he can't change so I am the one that will have to make the hardest change I think.

The Tale of the Purple Peppers

A few years ago while shopping in my local supermarket I saw with the peppers some purple peppers. Since I love to try new foods I bought one. I had no idea that this was the beginning of a quest that would span years. I was so excited to try it and I was even more surprised when I cut it open. The inside of the pepper was green.



Of course when you find an unusual food in the local supermarket the odds of finding them again is slim. Over the years I have only found them two maybe three times in the stores. So I decided to try to grow them when I finally got a yard suitable for a garden.

Last year I found a packet of pepper seeds. It was a variety pack, but some of them were purple peppers. I planted a large group of peppers and watched them grow. I was so excited when I saw flowers, they looked a little small to me, but I had never grown peppers before so I assumed it was just the way they grew. Soon where the flowers were there was small green bulbs. Oh the beginning of my peppers. I watched them, and watched them, and then they stopped getting bigger.

What was happening? I had planted grape tomatoes too and they were a little larger than my peppers. That didn't seem right, were they mini peppers? Was there such a thing? The seed packet was long gone, so maybe I had bought minis, but they all were turning red. Oh No! They all had grown into cherry tomatoes. I was heart broken.

I had not bought tomato seeds, the grape tomatoes I grew were from a grape tomato that I bought at the supermarket. (I wish I had saved some of the seeds from the purple peppers that I had bought.) I couldn't believe that I had all these tomatoes. The seed packet was long gone, I couldn't contact the seed company. So we had tomatoes on everything last year.

This year I started going to nurseries to find purple peppers. I found some chocolate peppers which might end up being purple but I bought seeds again this year. Of course I am putting the seed packet in a safe place, maybe I will put it in the fire-safe. It won't get damaged and tossed if it is in that. I am bound and determined to get a purple pepper this year.

I have every seed in that pepper variety pack planted and a bunch of people lined up to adopt some of the plants. They have even agreed to give me some seeds from any purple pepper that they grow. There must be an easier way to get the produce that you crave. Next year I will try to grow purple potatoes. What can I say, I like purple produce.

Planting Our Gardens

My son and I went to a couple nurseries today and he really seems to genuinely love plants and gardening. He was so excited when I said he could pick out his own plants. He inspected all the choices within his price range and asked me what they were called (thankfully they were all well labeled). He finally picked yellow and orange marigolds and pink begonias. Then we picked out sunflower seeds for our sunflower wall. He finally got bored when I was searching for my purple peppers. The tale of the purple peppers is a whole story by itself.

We managed to finish one more garden is done today, despite the help of my children. I have it surrounded with bricks from my Nana's home (my brother lives there now). I admit I really wanted to use large river rocks but bricks with a history is almost as good. The bricks have been there for two days and I have told the children the penalty for moving the bricks. Maybe they should touch them, we need to get rid of some toys (insert evil laugh here).

I dug a circle around our little tree in the front yard. I added top soil and used a seeded mat to start some pretties under the tree.  P bought 8 flowers today at a nursery and he helped me plant them under the tree too. I hope this garden grows nice. It is the first one I have dug myself and planted. Usually I have someone till my gardens for me, but this was so small that I was sure I could do it.


Now the fun part was adding some top soil to the garden. This is where the kids insisted on helping. The lure of them being allowed to play in the dirt was overwhelming for them. I of course let them "help" It is not too much money to buy more top soil if I needed it. One child had a cup and the other one had a shovel. An amazing thing happened while they added to soil to the garden. They shared the tools. They actually traded the cup and shovel with no prompting from me. It's a good thing I was sitting down.

The next step was watering the garden. My son helped me with that today. He loves to water my plants. Mostly because somehow while he is watering the plants he manages to get completely drenched by the water. Now that is a great trick when you are supposed to be behind the water.

The poor garden was watered so quickly that I had to redirect his attempts to give it more water. I reminded him that he needed to give the plants a chance to drink the water, not swim in the water. Tomorrow is the last garden in the front of the house. All that remains is the sunflower wall and hopefully my vegetable garden in the backyard. Luckily the vegetable garden is in topsy turvy planters and hangs from my porch rafters. This year my peppers had better not become tomatoes.

I Felt a Disturbance in the Force

One of the side effects of my son's meds is difficulty falling asleep. The first night after he took the meds he fell asleep with no difficulty. Phew I thought to myself, I guess we dodged that bullet. Well, no such luck. I went to bed that night not knowing what was about to happen.

I was happily dreaming comfy cozy in my bed all snuggled in my blanket. Then I felt a disturbance in the force something wasn't right so I forced myself to wake up and I glance at the clock. It was 4:40 a.m. and the lights were on in the living-room and kitchen. That was definitely not how I left them. Now I was worried that maybe someone broke in so I listened before I said anything. I picked up the phone and dialed 911 put my finger on the talk button just in case.

Then I hear giggling, cute little giggles from more than one child. Seriously, now I'm mad. I saw my son enter the hallway and then my daughter. "What are you too doing awake and playing in the kitchen in the middle of the night?" P quickly announced he woke up and wasn't tired anymore. I remembered the lack of sleep side-effect and I took deep breath. Then with my 4 a.m. haze wearing off I inquire about why B was awake. P said he woke her up so he could have someone to play with.

So now I have new rules, if you wake up in the middle of the night you come into Mommy's room and let me know. Under no circumstances are you allowed to wake-up your sibling. Nor are you allowed to play in the kitchen or any other room. You are especially not allowed to go outside (I threw that one just so I wouldn't have to add it at a later date).

These rules are added to my growing list of rules I never thought I would have to make. The first one on that list was from when my son was two. It was "No Licking People". Rules later added were "No Climbing on the Television" "No Dumping Food and Playing With it in any Room" and my favorite "No Writing on the Celling". I love being a Mommy.

He THINKS the kids are playing at a friends

I visited with my parents this afternoon and so my spouse was I assumed watching the children. I should have known better. I come home to a backyard full of toys scattered about and wood piled on my porch that I specifically told my son, in front of his father, that he needed to clean up and put away before I came back. I climb over all the piles and walk in the house, no children and there he is sleeping on the couch.

I woke him up and asked where the children were and he said that he thinks they are at a friends house. This has happened before, he has even not known that the children were at a friends house down the street. That was both children, including our daughter who was three at the time.

I am not going to yell at him about this, I am beyond yelling. I sometimes wonder if it worth my effort to even work on our marriage. I keep doing all I can and don't see him making any effort except telling me he loves me more. This is just wearing me down and I don't think I can keep doing it for long.

I see my psychologist and psychiatrist next week. Maybe that will help. It really does help me to get another person's perspective. I am just so tired of this struggle. Do I give up or do I keep fighting for this marriage? How do I even know if it is?

He accidently breaks things and doesn't feel a need to apologize. He is selfish, he only remembers to do things if it will help him. I try to do all I can so he can get help for himself, again and again he pushes that help away. I don't think he believes that I am on the edge and about to jump off. This week will be an instrumental week in what I decide and that decision is coming soon.

Someone He Can Talk to I Hope

Through out this up and down marriage lately I have found the value of talking to other people. I write about things in this blog and have been more open with my family and friends than I ever have. It took a lot of preparation to tell my mom that I was having marriage problems. Once I told her I found out she knew just from watching us. I guess we didn't hide it as well as I thought I was.

The more people I talk to the more I understand the value of friends and family. It was always hard for me to open up to friends as I was growing up and now I just can't stop. I really think if people I went to high school with could see me now they wouldn't believe I was the same person.

So with all the trouble we are having I firmly believe he can't keep all of this bottled in. I really wanted him to see a therapist but I don't think I can win that battle. Marriage has to have some give and take to it. I firmly believe he does need someone to talk to and I told him if he doesn't find someone to talk too that I would see if I could.

I think I did. I clued someone close to him into what has been happening and this person has reached out to him. I can only hope it will lead to him having someone to talk to. I am not expecting a miracle I just know what we have been doing was not working.

I have said If this marriage ends I will not go down without a fight. I have always thought that it is just to easy to get a divorce. If I get divorced I don't want to have doubts that I could have done something different. I want to know I did everything I could to save my marriage.