Give Me Strength!

We are going out to dinner tonight. It his his company Christmas dinner and I wanted a nice dinner. The restaurant is a local and fancy. I have never eaten there before and against my better judgement I said I would go.

Today I did some Christmas shopping, I have a job and I had just cashed my first paycheck in seven years. Already he is trying to tell me what to do with it. I told him it was my first paycheck in seven years and it is a week before Christmas so I am finishing up my shopping for gifts. Then as I am on my way out he tells me that he still needs to take a nap before the dinner.

I understand and I only went to two stores. I came back and he went to bed. Earlier this week he split up the jobs in the house since I am working now. I do the kitchen and he does the living room. My mom is coming tonight to watch the kids and the living room still hasn't been picked up. I didn't yell or scream. Nor did I try to make him feel bad that he didn't clean the living room like he said he would. The kitchen isn't perfect either, we need more dishwasher detergent.

The kids and I straightened up. P even volunteered to vacuum. They were having fun and I guess were making some noise. They are kids and they were cleaning. I had no problem with it and I didn't think it was in excess. So the time came to wake Daddy up.

What a grump! He was mad that the kids made noise, he said he couldn't sleep. But not once did he say anything to us about it. Then he gets mad because we ran the vacuum. Seriously, he gets mad when I don't clean, then when we clean he gets mad too. So I guess I can't win.

Now I asked him when we need to be there and he has no idea. So I hope this evening goes well. Already I am ready to scream. Please wish me luck. The food had better be worth this!

Spitting in my Face

Gratitude Project Day 23 (for as long as I can) I'm going to post at least three things I am grateful for. Join me!; 1) That I have good friends to lean on when my days get tough! 2) That my children have such wonderful teachers that help them when they need the help. 3) That I have enough common sense to walk away when I don't want to get in a fight. Sadly not everyone who lives with me has the same common sense.

I don't know if it is the flu, maybe I have a cold. I went to bed yesterday and slept for about 24 hours. I woke up to a husband who decided that I was an unfit mother. The house wasn't picked up last night because he went to work and I was asleep. There is some clutter, but it is not horrible. Still he sees it and decides that I am unfit because I keep the house spotless.

When we dated his house was worse than our house looks today. When we lived together we never had our house spotless. When we got married our house was not pristine. It was never an issue for us. When we moved into the house his mother owned we tried to be better. I managed and the house looked better but again not perfect. When I had people over I usually had the house looking nice.

When I was so depressed that I couldn't function, the house got worse. He did nothing to clean it because by then he decided that since I wasn't working that I was the only one who had to clean. The house got bad, I felt bad and it was horrible. When it gets to the point where you don't know where to begin because you see no way to make it any better. I gave up and he decided that I was useless.

I have seen our life and house beyond repair. I have seen it where I couldn't fix it and our house is no where near as bad today. It is comfortable for me to have some clutter around and I can clean it in a few hours so I can have company over. It is not perfect and it is no where near a hoarder house. To hear my husband talk it is hoarder level and I never do anything to make it look better.

It is not the spotless house that my Mother-In-Law has. In her eyes if I have something on the floor it is messy. She thinks less of a person if they have clutter on the dinning room table.I know this because she has told me just that. I believe he words were "A good mother does not have a cluttered dinning room table. She has it clean so meals can be eaten off of it." I believe it can be cleaned off and then you can eat there. Everything needs to be put away and not visible. That works for her, but in the 16 years that my husband and I have been together that has not worked for us. Now he wants me to change and be as neat as his mother.

Maybe I could except he won't pick up after himself and has decided that I have to clean up his mess. He won't have the children clean up after themselves because that is also my job. When I manage to go out and spend time with my friends I know when I come home the house will be a disaster and I will be the one who has to clean it all up.

Now I was hired by a local school district to be a substitute teacher. I have been on the sub list for 5 days and he is mad that I haven't been called yet. He is actually yelling at me because I can't even get a job where they call me to work.

Today he spit in my face again. I thought he was being unreasonable with the kids. He wanted them to stop using the computer because they were taking videos and the background was cluttered. They have no internet access but still he was worried that the clutter would look bad. I went upstairs because I thought he was being paranoid but I didn't want a confrontation. Too late.

He followed me up and blocked me from going back down stairs. I was a captive. It sounds harsh but he was between me and the exit and wouldn't let me leave. He yelled at me and told me that he was going to call his mother so I would be kicked out of the house. That is his threat, if I don't keep the house the way she wants it he will tattle on me. Seriously, it is like living with a child.

He backed me into my room and I turned the tv on. I turned the volume up hoping he would get the hint that I wasn't going to engage. He didn't like that I challenged his manhood at one point so he pinned me down on the bed and spit in my face over and over again.

It has been a long time since he got physical with me, I stood up to him and he stopped. Now he is starting again. I am so close to getting money so I can get out. I need this sub job to start calling me and I need to get out. Am I really sick or am I just giving up? I am so tired that I want to just sleep and sleep and not have to deal with him.

The closer I get to getting out the more of a jerk he becomes. I walk away to not fight with him and he follows me just to start a fight and make it worse. Maybe I will work tomorrow, I need to focus on the possibility of a good thing and not the despair my marriage is in now.

Two Days of Thanksgiving

Gratitude Project (for as long as I can) I'm going to post at least three things I am grateful for. Join me!; 1)That I had a nice Thanksgiving Dinner with my family. 2) That even at nine and with a very short attention span my son still enjoys me reading to him every night (We are reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone) 3)That I managed to get the one thing I wanted on Black Friday (a $80.00 wheeled crate, to lug all my substitute teaching supplies around in, for $20.00 with no shipping and handling) on line and didn't have to go out and face the insane crowds.

Usually for Thanksgiving we go to my in-laws house. I sit and chat with my Mother-In-Law and my Sister-In-Law and often feel ignored or am the butt end of passive aggressive comments. Often I suddenly am alone and have to find where everyone has settled. I guess I was used to it. If I stay at the table it ends up being all the men talking about sports and war. Not my favorite subject. I have tried to chip in and help do the dishes or clean up but there also never seems to be a spot for me to do this. I get subtly pushed out of the way and my help is often rejected or ignored. In fact still after 15 years I don't know where many things go in my Mother-In-Law's house. Oddly I have been told that they resent that I don't chip in and help clean up. I don't enjoy going there and I decided that I don't have to anymore.

So this year I didn't go. I bought myself some sushi and pot stickers and had a very nice dinner all alone. It sounds like it wasn't a good time, but I loved it. I got a lot of cleaning done. It turns out that when two children are not undoing all my cleaning the house actually can stay cleaner longer. I even got started on cooking for our second Thanksgiving Dinner to be hosted at my house on Friday.

What? Thanksgiving on Friday? That is unheard of! It actually was done to preserve our stomachs. Instead of trying to fit two Thanksgiving Dinners in on Thanksgiving when I was growing up we split them up. We went to my Nana's (my Dad's Mom) on Thanksgiving and then on Friday we went to my Grandparents (my Mom's parents) family Thanksgiving dinner. Sometimes it was at our cottage where we had the traditional Thanksgiving push my Uncle's motorhome out of the mud because he always pulled into the soft part of the grass and sink. Ah, memories!

Fun story about me baking my pies. I was making from mostly scratch (I used canned pumpkin instead of a whole pumpkin) my first Pumpkin Pie. I know that I bought all the ingredients. I had the recipe out and was mixing all the ingredients together. Luckily I tasted it before I cooked it, I thought it just wasn't right so I re read the recipe that I somehow was no longer following and discovered that I forgot the brown sugar. It was 11:30ish on Thanksgiving night and all the stores were closed. Yikes!!! Egads!!!

So I went on a brown sugar quest, I went to Walgreens, but they didn't have it. They had flour, granulated sugar and honey but no brown sugar. I finally found a store that I thought was open and I knew they had it at 11:58 pm. As I closed the car door the outside sign turned off and when I tried to open the door it was locked. The cashier was counting her drawer but still I tried. I knocked on the door and showed then that I had cashed. I pleaded and finally a manager came to the door. He politely explained that they were closed and they couldn't do any more transactions. Still I pleaded, I only needed brown sugar, could I leave the cash for it and then they can ring it in the morning. He agreed to my proposition. I didn't mind waiting outside and soon I had my brown sugar and back home I went.

I love to cook, there is something about starting with a recipe and tweaking it here or there to make it your own. Yes, I am a recipe tweaker. Usually I cook main dishes or side dishes. If I cook a dessert it is usually follow the directions on the box or better yet buy it pre-made. This year I saw a great recipe for a Pumpkin Pie that I decided to try.

Wickedly Yummy Pumpkin pie
By: The Good Witches Farm House Kitchen

1 small sugar pumpkin
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/4 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/8 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon salt
2/3 cup real maple syrup
1 1/4 cups half-and-half cream
1 teaspoon all-purpose flour
3 eggs
1 (9 inch) unbaked pie shell
Directions

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C)

Cut up pumpkin, and remove seeds. Place in large baking pan, and cover with foil or lid. Bake for 1 hour, or until very tender. Remove from oven, and set aside to cool. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

Scrape pumpkin into a food processor; puree until smooth.

Measure 1 1/2 cups pumpkin puree. In a large bowl, mix together 1 1/2 cups pumpkin, brown sugar, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cloves, allspice, and salt. Stir in maple syrup, half-and-half, and flour. Mix in eggs one at a time. Pour filling into unbaked pie shell.

Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 1 hour, or until center is set.

Okay I admit it I tweaked it a little, I thought I had more maple syrup and so I used 1/3 c maple syrup and 1/3 c apple cider. I also didn't have a pumpkin so I used 1 15 ounce can of pure pumpkin.

I poured it into the pie shell and it almost over flowed. I thought I pinched the edges down and I guess I didn't do a good job. In the oven they flopped backwards and drooped almost down to the oven grate. It also took almost 1 1/2 hours to cook. It may not have been the prettiest pie but it was the most delicious pumpkin pie that I ever had.

My parents were over on Friday for our second Thanksgiving Dinner. I told my traditional Thanksgiving joke to my mother. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (Two but I don't know how they got in there.) I first told it maybe 15 years ago and my mother laughed so hard that she fell to the floor. In between gasps she tried to tell me that it was inappropriate to tell at Thanksgiving. I told her that it was hard to take her seriously when she was on the floor laughing.

The next year I remembered the joke and my mother's reaction so I asked if she remembered how she reacted the year before. She had no idea what I was talking about so I had to tell it again. She again was laughing so hard but didn't chastise me again. Since then I have told the same joke every year and every year my mom laughs so hard that she cries. The joke isn't why I tell it, it is my mother's reaction that makes it priceless.

This year was a wonderful year for Thanksgiving for me. It was low stress and because I used paper plates it also was a low dishwashing holiday. I am thankful for so much and I have to say I am thankful for all my readers. You help give me strength to stay on track. I love you all!

Learning to Let Go

Six months ago I received an email from my nephew, he invited us to his birthday party. The party was this last week, he was turning ten. He decided last May that he wanted it at a wall climbing center. I thought that sounds cool and over time forgot all about it. Last week I looked at the calendar and remembered all about it, yikes it was just days away. I pinned my brother down to find out the time and let my kids know.

My children can be as different as night and day, their reactions to this party showed me how true this was. My son was thrilled. He could climb walls! Where was this all his life? He couldn't wait. My daughter was excited about the party. She picked out a party dress, drew her cousin birthday pictures, planned how she would wrap his gift. She insisted I find out what his favorite color is and now is planning what kind of ribbon she will find for him.

B did decide at the last minute to bring a bag of play clothes with her just in case. It had occurred to her that a dress might not be the best thing to wear while climbing walls. Though I was sure if anyone could pull off a white dress with pink flowers while climbing a wall that she could. I am convinced that she will have grease streaks on her face as she arrives at prom with a bright pink frilly dress and hightop sneakers.

We got to the climbing center and my son was ready. He listened carefully to how to wear the harness (which was amazing in itself) and off he went with Daddy to hold onto the rope. However B wanted nothing to do with it. She hid behind me and refused to interact with anyone. This is a common occurrence at any place we go to where there are a large group of people that she has to interact with.

The part that amazes me, and sometimes frightens me is that with a group of strangers she has no problem interacting with them. She is outgoing and pretty spunky. But if we are in a group of people she knows or a group of people she knows and strangers she will hide and be super clingy to me. It was cute, but now I am trying to get her to embrace her spunk and participate at family or friend events.

My daughter and I walked to were P was climbing and I noticed the floor we were walking on was bouncy. I pointed this out to her and demonstrated how fun the floor was hoping she would un-cling herself from from my side. It worked and she started bouncing around like a kangaroo. Everyone was focused on climbing except for us. It was wonderful to see her happy and starting to break out of her fearful shell. She was thrilled that she could bound around and surprisingly the climbers had no problem with her bounding all over the place. In fact many of them took the time to watch us and smiles spread over their face. Occasionally she would stop and watch her brother climb and I asked her again if she wanted to try.

She ran to change her clothes and somehow the staff managed to get a harness to fit my daughters tiny body. She is almost seven years old and still weighs less than 40 pounds. Her brother gladly shared Daddy with her and up she went like a monkey. She was a natural! I think she went higher than P did. Like her brother she liked being lowered back down to the ground. I bet it was really cool, and no I did not climb. I enjoy having both my feet planted firmly on the ground. I was content taking photographs.

While climbing I worked on her to get her to leave my side. She was participating but still wouldn't be on her own. When I say I wanted her to leave my side, I tried to get her to go see her aunt who was maybe twenty feet away and within my line of vision. At some point I won't be able to stay with her as much as I do and I want her to be comfortable to join in the fun. I was so shy as a child that I missed out on many things. I see that starting to happen with B and I wish I could get her to learn to let go when it will help her learn to interact with her family and peers.

The day ended with a rare find. We went to a craft show and next to it was a small playground. You may think in mid November that a playground would be off limits. But it was an unseasonably warm day, I wasn't even wearing a jacket. The kids wanted to play and we thought why not. Soon the temperature will drop and the snow will fall. This maybe the last playground they play in this year.

In this playground was a small merry-go-round. This is something you don't find on many playground in our area. We had one in a playground near us but it has been removed. My children were thrilled to see it and excitedly ran to it begging Daddy to spin them. Then the air was filled with giggles and pleas for Daddy to spin them faster. They stopped briefly to use the slide one time, but that was not as much fun as getting dizzy so back they went to the merry-go-round. Now they can't wait to go back to that small playground. Funny it has much less to play on than the playgrounds near us, but that playground is all they are talking about now. I wonder if they will remember it in the spring?

Who is God?

I am watching a tv show about Muslim Americans and I am fascinated. Before 9/11 I never really thought about Muslims. I knew about them, but I knew very little about them. It was not a religion that I had taken time to learn about. I was raised Roman Catholic and I embraced it until I found I that I no longer agreed with many of its laws, rules, philosophies, doctrine. So I explored a little. I found one that fit me better and I stuck with it. Unfortunately like Islam it too is one that can fill people with fear and worry. Maybe it is because of this that now I want to learn more about Muslims. It is through ignorance sometimes that fear is spread.

As I was reading comments people wrote about the show http://www.andersoncooper.com/episodes/all-american-muslims-debate-how-do-you-feel-about-muslims-living-in-the-us/ and was disturbed by people claiming that our country is Christian. They took the phrase in the Pledge of Allegiance "Under God" to imply that God referred to the Christian version of God only. Where does it say that? I believe in God and I believe when I say the Pledge of Allegiance that it still applies to me. However I am not a Christian.

There is a old riddle about an elephant that in my mind is a perfect way to describe what God is, and no I am not implying that God is an elephant though that could be a valid and in some religions is a valid implication. Basically three blind individuals each are standing next to the same elephant. One at the elephants nose, one at the elephants body and one at the elephants leg. Each describes what they think the elephant is. Each one describes the elephant differently. They are all correct but they are all also incorrect because they can not "see" the whole elephant. Just because different religions have different descriptions of God does not make them wrong. Even if we could see God with our eyes, hear God with our ears, and feel God with our hands would our descriptions be similar enough that we could all agree?

Some of you may have noticed I have not used a pronoun to refer to God. Why? I don't think they can truly apply to God. Is God a male? Is God a female? Is God both? Maybe God is neither? I do believe in the masculine and the feminine of God. Still I find myself referring to God as a male out of reflex, that is how I was raised.

I want to know more about other's beliefs it fascinates me. In other countries and through out history wars have been fought over religion. Our country was formed as a country where we would have freedom of religion. We can have open discussions of "who is God?" and we can decide what religion we want to follow. Even so religion is still something in America that can bring a crowd to riot. Our religious beliefs can be so strong that we are willing to fight to express them. We also should fight so others can express theirs.

One thing the Muslims interviewed on Anderson had to say about Sharia Law, which I keep hearing hearing Americans refer to when they argue that Muslims should be watched and not allowed, is that a countries laws supersede them. They made a point to say that the Koran instructs followers to follow a nations laws above all. They are American's first and follow our constitution. These were not my words but words I heard on the tv show. Still they make sense to me.

So who is God? What are your beliefs? What would you think if after all is said and done you find out that God is the giant bird in the above cartoon? It is possible that we are all right and then again it is also possible that we are all wrong. Still I have no problem with you having your beliefs, please share that courtesy with me and everyone else. Maybe through respect and understanding we can care a little less about who is right and start finding ways to get along.

He's Back to His Usual Ways

I knew it was too good to be true, my worse half has been so much nicer these last few weeks. I was suspicious and knew it wouldn't last. This weekend the other shoe fell. He has become the Ogre that I am used to. Sadly it feels normal for him to be a jerk and for me to avoid him. I really didn't trust the nicer version of him.

He again is measuring my worth on how clean the house is. It a weakness of mine and I really try to keep the clutter picked up. That is not good enough, he wants the house to be spotless and so does his mother. He is upset that I have things in my room stored in bins. They are my teaching supplies, I am not getting rid of them. They are organized in labeled bins and are not in the way of anything. Still he wants them gone.

He is changing jobs and has been home for three days, the same three days as a long weekend for the kids. Add to that the fact that he is no longer trying to be nice to me (his words) means this has been a long weekend for Mommy too. He did actually tell me today that he has been trying to be nice to me these last few weeks and it wasn't working. How do I get him to understand that it will take years not weeks of him being nice to me for me to even begin to trust him again? Years I am not going to be investing.

He is upset because he thinks I am planning on leaving him. What gave him that idea? Oh I bet it was when I told him I was, maybe it was when I told the kids that as soon as Mommy finds another house we (the kids and I) would be moving. He was right there when I said that and he was part of the conversation. Now he is actually getting mad at me because I am going to leave him.

The only good thing to happen this weekend was the dreams I had last night. Mike Rowe was in them and I have to say that I will clean him any day. The dreams were wonderful and definitely cheered me up some. He can visit me in my dreams any night, during the day too. Hmmmmm, I wonder how many showers he takes? I bet he shows up tonight, he is happily on my mind!

Holding On

The last few weeks have been actually very nice. We have been getting along well with a lot less friction than I am used to. On one hand it scares me a little. Is this a calm in the storm? once I get used to the peace will he return back to the jerk that I am used too. Maybe he is back to the man I married so many years ago? It confuses me and frankly makes me uneasy.

In the midst of the calm I have time to think and ponder what am I doing. Why after so much bad have I stayed? I know I have no real place to move to, but I bet I could be resourceful enough to get out and find a place ASAP. Even after all the bad I still stay. I am not staying for him, I think it might be the house.

This house is the bast place I have lived in years. Our original house was a dump with no real yard. I broke my ankle there, got carbon monoxide poisoning when our furnace decided to eat itself one night. We had a level 3 sex offender 7 doors away and a drive by shooting close enough that I hear the shots and the car driving by my house as they drove away.

The last house I didn't like my neighbors, it started with our upstairs neighbor who made it her mission to be miserable and pass that miserableness onto us. Even after she moved out she still managed to be in our life and I still have to deal with her sometimes on the outskirt of my life.

This house I love, the only thing that makes it a little thorn in my side is that my husbands mother owns it and is our landlord. I do not like having my Mother-In-Law as my landlord. She is involved in my life too much and she meddles in areas that I think she has no business being in. I don't think we would let a landlord not related to us get away with what she does on a regular basis.

If she doesn't like something we, though it usually is me, do in the house she constantly tells us that she is kicking us out of the house. Still even with the threat of eviction if I do something that she doesn't like I still love this house. If I had the money I would buy it from her. The back yard is huge and wonderful for the kids to play in.

Leaving it is scary. Will I be able to find a place to live that will have a yard for them to play in. Will I be able to find a place to live that is safe, or will I have to move back to a neighborhood that I have to worry about crime in my face?

Still not having a real job also makes leaving scary. I have a substitute teaching job but they have not called me yet. What good is a job without a paycheck? I have a lead on another substitute teaching job but have not yet had it pan out yet.

I keep holding on and know that I have to let go. Will I land here and find a husband who has changed? unlikely even though the last few weeks have been happy for the most part. More likely I will have to let go and jump. I wonder where I will land?

Another Birthday Party, Another Fight

For weeks now I have been dreading my son's birthday party. For years now before every birthday party for the kids my worse half has complained about how much I spend on the parties and has picked fights with me before the party so he can storm off and leave me to set up the party by myself. This time I have tried to alter my party preparations hoping that maybe this party could be different.

I have been spending my own personal money on party decorations and prizes for games. My birthday just passed and I used money I was given for my birthday to get ready for his party. Money that he gave me I used for what I needed but any extra I used to get items for his party. Little by little I got what I needed and he either didn't notice or he didn't care. My son wanted a Halloween themed party and I was going to make it a good one.

I have been cleaning the house all last week. Getting furniture rearranged to accommodate 12 -16 guests. He was actually helping and I thought that maybe this party would be different. I told him all I needed was the cake, pizza fixings, snacks and drinks.

Then P and I went to the store so he could pick out a cake. Usually the cake cost almost $30.00, this is a usual cost and not a surprise. We went to the bakery and he picked out a made cake from their display that was only $10.00. I picked up a few other things I needed candles, drinks, some chips and went home. I was thrilled that he picked out a cake that saved us $20.00. When I got home and told him how much I spent he screamed at me. Once again he accused me of being reckless and I was over spending on the party. In his eyes I had spent $40.00 on the party so far and he thought that once again I was over spending.

I cringed knowing I still needed the pizza makings and toilet paper for a game. I made a list of what I needed and asked if he would go get them. I thought if he went to the store and saw how much things cost and could make the rest of the shopping decisions then he would go easier on me. He came home and still continued to yell at me. Still we managed to set up for the party and the party was underway.

Waiting for the guests

The Mummy Wrap Game

Bobbing for Doughnuts

The Cake

Making a Wish

Opening his Gifts

Finally most of the guest had left and Grandma (my Mom)finally arrived. She wanted to miss most of the chaos, very smart, It turns out 12 children ages 6 - 14 can get pretty loud. P could finally open her gift. This was a special gift that I had arranged. I wanted to give it to him myself but with my husband so tight with money I couldn't chance it. I asked my mom to give it to him and she agreed.

P for years has been asking for a Mexican Red Knee Tarantula and I finally found him one at a price that wasn't too expensive. He opened the gift bag and screamed with delight. He finally has the tarantula that he has wanted for so long and the party was over. His friends went home and Grandma left too. Now I can breath and hope that the next birthday party I throw for the kids will be in a new home with one parent hosting and the other parent as a guest.

The Practice Run Flops

He was just offered a better job. This has him starting later at night and means he will be here for the kids bedtime which thrills the kids. They miss their Daddy, and love when he is around for bedtime. This is going to be a huge adjustment for me. I have been doing this on my own for over a year now. He also will be here for homework, another adjustment. I turn the tv off so they can focus on homework better. The tv stays off until they are in bed and falling asleep. This is how it has been for over a year now.

He is a tv junkie, more than me. If we are home for just a minute or two he has to turn the tv on. Yes it frustrates me. Tonight he called into his current job because he has personal days to use up before he leaves. I tried not to focus on him throwing off the routine. Instead I thought of it as a practice run for when he is home for prime time in just a few weeks.

He went on an errand for me so he wasn't here when homework started. My son did his homework no problem, but couldn't find his book for the rest of it. I am trying to get him to learn how to look for things better so I am having him look for him things for a while before I start (and usually find it). I don't know if Daddy being home was the issue or if he just was out of sorts but he refused to look. He cried and complained when I tried to get him to do it.

When Daddy came home it was like a circus. The kids want the bean bag toss game daddy brought home, it needs to be assembled. My son still hasn't found his book and when I walk by a table I saw it clearly on top, nothing covering it. Everything was getting louder, each child talks over the other one. Daddy wants to watch the hockey game and I want the tv off. He finally decides to go out to buy pop.

I was overwhelmed. My routine was off and my son was crying because now that I found his book I wanted him to finish his homework. He thought he would have the night off of reading because he couldn't find it. But my daughter had gone to bed. I promised her I would have Daddy go upstairs to wish her a good night when he came home.

Daddy came home and went upstairs. The upstairs tv is in the same room that B sleeps in. He didn't come back down and then I hear him cheering on something the hockey team is doing. So he is watching hockey in the same room as our daughter is supposed to be going to sleep in. P is finally reading but constantly asking me how much longer he needs to read.

Finally P finishes his reading for the night, he goes to bed and daddy comes downstairs. I tried to talk to him to explain why it wasn't a good idea to watch tv in the same room that our children are sleeping in. He just watched the hockey game and said nothing. Nothing infuriates me more than when I am trying to calmly talk to him about something and to have him blatantly ignore me. He stared at the tv, and said nothing. He gave no indication that he even was aware that I was speaking.

I got his attention, he told me he ignored me because he was going to get yelled at either way it was easier for him to just watch the game. His hockey his the focus of his life, he will find a way to watch the game if he isn't working. Tonight he kept our daughter awake so he could watch his precious game. When we were dating I didn't mind the hockey, now 16 years later I HATE the game. Not because it is a sport, but because it is a higher priority to him than his family.

We started to yell, I let him get to me and I was upset. Then he stormed out calling me a bitch. When he comes home he will tell me how horrible I was and take no responsibility for the argument. In his eyes he did nothing wrong tonight. No one thing he did was wrong. It was little things added to little things and it was how I dealt with it too. But we can't work on fixing it if he just keeps running away.

What is it going to be like when he is home every night of the week again? How am I going to handle it? I'm sure we will establish another routine, but the adjustment period is going to be rough if tonight is any indication. It also doesn't help that this is occurring during hockey season. He will see that as as a priority over bedtime and homework.

I did remind him that I have been asking him to move in our extra tv from the garage since we moved here. That just made him swear at me because I guess I shouldn't nag him about it even if he hasn't done it in 18 months. Oh and he still hasn't taken out the last two air conditioners after I dropped the one out of the upstairs window. I thought a tv in the basement would be a good solution. He could be down there and watch his hockey and I could attempt to keep the routine with the kids.

So the surprise dry run of his new hours was a huge FAIL tonight. I hope we can get it together and get through this shift in his schedule. Where is calgon when I need it?

Flowers, Friends , Cookies and an Exploding Egg

The day started off unusual. I was enjoying sleeping in when I heard my daughter's gleeful voice, "Mommy, Mommy, open your eyes Mommy!!!!" So I did. She runs into my room bubbling with excitement. She is almost bouncing and then in walks my husband carrying a bouquet of flowers. Honestly my first thought was what did he do? In our 14 year marriage he has only bought me flowers maybe three or four times. I'm honestly not a lover of cut flowers, but I have to admit that they are pretty. This bouquet was all pink so I suspect that my daughter had something to do with it. Still for him to buy me a gift for no reason is almost unheard of. Why now? I don't know, but I'll take it. Anytime he does something nice for me is a welcome surprise.

My mom took me out shopping for my birthday. I had a choice to be responsible and let her get me clothes for subbing or going shopping and spend the money on things I normally wouldn't have the opportunity to buy. I did think about it for a couple days and I chose to have fun and shop. I still have the clothes I student taught in and I am sure they will be just as good for subbing.

We spent the early afternoon shopping and talking and it was really nice. I really enjoy shopping without my family sometimes. Okay most of the time with my husband. He is not fun to shop with. His goal is to spend no money and get out of the store as fast as possible. This is usually opposite of my goal. Not that I go out of my way to spend money, but I accept that money is designed to be spent. While I do try to keep cost down, I accept that in order to function money will have to spent and things will have to bought.

I even left the stores with money left over, that's right! I bought some decorations for Thanksgiving. I hosted Thanksgiving Dinner last year and did such a wonderful job that I get to host it again this year. I told my mom, with a smile on my face, if I had know that last year I wouldn't have tried so hard.

Then I came home and checked Facebook. I thought I might have found a friend from long ago and I did. He had messaged me back and we started catching up on Facebook. That lasted for a few minutes then I gave him my phone number and he called. When I heard his voice it brought back so many memories from when I lived in Kentucky. We were neighbors and became fast friends. So many nights we stayed up late and talked and dreamed. It is funny how some memories can be so clear after almost twenty years that it almost seems like they happened just last week.

Talking with him was just as easy as it was. Ever since I moved away I had wondered about him. We met before internet was an everyday tool. I am not a good letter writer, actually I have no trouble writing the letters, it is getting them to the post office and mailing them that I have trouble with. I don't remember if we tried to stay in touch with phone calls or not. We lost track of each other but we never forgot each other. Over the years we both thought of each other often.

When we finally said goodbye to each other my children had discovered the cookie mix that I had bought earlier in the day. We decided to make the cookies before bed and got out the ingredients. B set everything up on the counter top and P got the butter and eggs out of the refrigerator. I put the butter in the bowl and P handed me the egg. It felt oddly cold and a bit off. I pondered out loud that it would be funny if the egg was frozen. Surprise!

I demonstrated how I could hit the egg hard on the countertop and the shell cracked but no liquid came out. (Can you see where this is going? I couldn't.) I turned around and walked to the garbage to toss out the offending egg. My son said he wanted to try and before I could say "NO!" he smashed the egg on the countertop. The egg he used was not frozen. The egg was crushed and shell mixed with egg white and yolk went all over the kitchen. Of course P and B thought it was hysterical.

Clean up was another ordeal. We haven't even started making the cookies yet. I thought using a box mix would be less work, oh well. Of course the phone range, it was Daddy. At least I could have him bring home more eggs. While cleaning up the children discovered another egg that wasn't frozen. Silly me I thought that there would be less mess as they cleaned not more. Somehow cleaning up two eggs used up most of a roll of paper towels. I would have preferred them to use less paper towels, but I have to admit that together they did clean up all evidence of the great egg explosion and we waited patiently for Daddy to bring us more eggs.

Daddy brought us more eggs and we had no more explosions. We all took turns mixing the dough. P and B didn't think adding just butter and 1 egg to the mix would make a batter, they kept trying to add water. After a few turns they noticed that it was more dough like and then finally I mushed it all together with my hands and my daughter was sure it was magic. Of course it was after all her Mommy is a Kitchen Witch.

The mix came with pumpkin shaped cookie cutters, luckily two, and they took turns with each of them. Together they made 16 cookies, okay 17 I had to eat the odd one. We put them in the oven and they waited somewhat patiently for them to be done. It took some convincing to get them to let the cookies cool down when I took them out of the oven.

Once they were cool I put some orange icing (it also came with the mix, all for $1.99) in the center of each cookie and gave each one a knife. They frosted eight cookies each and decorated them with some green and black icing. They were all ready to eat them when I managed to get a few quick photos. I think they are finally ready to help Mommy with Christmas cookies this year.

The day ended with no arguments between my soon to be ex and myself. He was surprisingly happy all day. I'm not used to a day with so much good happening, but I will take it. My friend and I are back in touch, the kids ate cookies and I got flowers. Happiness is a day full of fun and friends even if some egg explodes all over the place.