I'm NOT Getting Old!!!

So I faced my increasing age this week. I had to get Bifocals. I just had my eyes checked in October and my script was single lens. Lately I have noticed that I have been taking off my glasses to read or work on the computer. Then of course my eyes get strained quickly and they hurt. I knew I needed a new script and I knew I would need bifocals. I still didn't go and get my eyes examined again. I kept waiting, I just didn't want to face my age.

I don't feel old. I actually don't see myself as old either. My gosh I am only 41. I am not old!!! My eyes however are not young. I had surgery on my right eye when I was in kindergarten. Now it is crossed again, but facing out instead of in this time. I have to face this. I love to read, I love being able to see. I have to take care of my eyes. So I suck it up and go to America's Best since I already used my eye insurance in October and it is Once a year use only.

I said when I walked in I would need bifocals and I walked out of there with a script for bifocals. I thought I would get my glasses there since I already used my insurance in October. They say two pairs of bifocals for $99.00. Uhm, no it ended up being more than that. Four times more to be specific. Two pairs was over $400.00 and one pair was just over $300.00. I was shocked. I think I ran out of there screaming.

I went back to my regular place and paid $185 for one pair, still way cheaper than the last place. I pick them up later this week. I wish when I got new frames in October I had been thinking, then I would have gotten frames I could put bifocal lenses in. It just feels like a wasted use of insurance. I will never go back to the doctor that examined my eyes last time. I feel cheated almost.

So my eyes are old, I am young and I plan on staying that way for at least another 30 - 40 years.

My World Almost Ended Today

I walk in to my daughter's Nursery School to pick her up. I just missed the door opening and most of the kids had already found their mommy's. I turn the corner and see my daughter, my first impression when I saw her is something happened to her. She wasn't as happy as she usually is. Her teacher saw me and she also looked frazzled. She told me that my daughter had choked on a jelly bean just moments ago. My daughter almost died. They made cupcakes in class today and decorated them to look like easter baskets. Licorice was the handle and jelly beans were the eggs.

Of course the kids were snacking on the jelly beans. She loves jelly beans. Whenever we go to grandma's she has to have some jelly beans. She was laughing while chewing one and inhaled at the wrong time. It took a moment or two for the teacher to dislodge the jelly bean. She told me that my daughter couldn't breath at all.

It happened so fast, but the teacher knew what to do. My daughter is safe and this Easter wants NO jelly beans in her Easter Basket. She found out today that Grandma is an Easter Bunny Helper since she saw her bunny costume. She asked me if grandma could tell the Easter Bunny that she wants no Jelly Beans this year. I don't blame her. I don't want any either I think.

I Get So Worried

My son has been making some noises lately. I don't mean the normal noises, he has this strange throat sound that he makes. It is like a frog sound almost. He is making more noises at school. Usually when he has made a transition to a different class like music, art and gym.

He acts like he doesn't hear the teacher. He does this to me too. I don't think it is an act. He seems to get lost within himself. He acts out at school enough for him to move from green to red for behavior. It is a green, yellow, red system good, warning and poor behavior.

His teacher has noticed that he cannot put words to his behavior. He will move around the classroom in unusual mannerisms. He tends to spin more when he leaves school. As soon as he is free from the building, always halfway down the walkway he spins three times.

It has been over a year since he was diagnosed with asperger's nothing we have done has seemed to help. I am going back to the parents support group to help us cope. I hope other parents can give us some tips and insight. Luckily I have a therapy appointment scheduled soon.

Luckily he really calms down when he uses a slinky. He also only uses it long enough to calm down. I will have to make a run to Target to get more slinkys. I have to make sure to never be without one. I am so glad that his Principal figured that relaxation technique.

His Vineland questioner should be arranged soon. I am hoping his score will allow us to get some aid for him. I hate to see him in his aspie fits. They are getting so bad that he has given us all bruises. When he gets upset lately the word seems to be ending for him. He will just thrash around and it is like he aims all his anger and frustration at us. He throws and hits and kick. We have made his room his safe place, but he has been resisting going there to help calm down.

I am walking to raise money to help Autism research. I have five people on my team and we are so far the group that has raised the most funds. My goal is to raise at least $1000.00. We have almost $150.00 raised so far. It makes me feel like I am doing something to help.

Improving Myself

Just in case, I want to better myself educationally to ensure I will be able to support myself and my children in case I end up leaving. I finally found a two year Masters program in Elementary Education that does not require I have a previous degree in education. When I got my business degree I was convinced I couldn't have children and a career in retail seemed doable and I had the experience to get in retail management.

Now I have two miracle children and I never want to work retail again. In a couple years my daughter will be in school full time and I will be ready to go back to work. If I start this program at Medaille I will be student teaching when she is in kindergarten and hopefully by the time she is in first grade I will have a teaching job. I am not expecting to make a fortune teaching I just want to be able to support myself and my children if worst comes to worst.

I am amazed at how motivated I am feeling. It is about time I do something for myself too. Funny how now that I am in my forties I am facing so many of my fears and putting them in their place. I have always wanted to teach but was always afraid to pursue it, I thought I wasn't good enough. Now I know I am and am ready to go for it.

Why are you talking so fast?

He comes home today from buying gas on Transit in Williamsville. We live in Tonawanda, not exactly next to Williamsville. Apparently the gas price was worth the 20 minute drive each way? He comes in and tells me his brain is fast and loopy and he is talking at least at triple speed. I was getting dizzy listening to him talk so fast. It makes me wonder what else he was doing, of course he said nothing unusual happened. He just needs to drive to get the fastness out of his head.

Now I know how gas in his car gets used so fast. I suggested that maybe a walk or run would work just as well, he agrees but it is too cold to do that right now. Then he announces that I am unreasonable because I don't want him to drive the 2 - 3 hours it will take his brain to slow down.

There is no way to win this one, I just stop the discussion and go back to the torture of helping my son do his homework. Both can drive me crazy but at least my son's homework is almost finished so that nightmare will be over soon.

In Sickness and in Health

So I have been making an effort to talk with him about my feelings. We actually didn't argue today. Not even a spat when I couldn't account for some money. Maybe it is because of the beautiful weather. The day just made me feel wonderful. Maybe it is the meds, I am feeling so much more together lately. Maybe he is finally getting the hint that I am at the end of my rope. I am fighting for this marriage and I will leave him eventually if he doesn't get his act together. I will fight, I will not let him treat me like this anymore, but I will give up if it doesn't improve.

I have told him I believe he has asperger's like our son does. We now talk openly in our house about asperger's and I can't help but notice how it is like son like father. They react to many of the same things exactly the same way. It could be learned behavior but to my untrained eye it all seems to be asperger's reactions to change, pain, taste, sounds, and touch.

I am hoping he will see it too and he will seek treatment, be it meds or therapy but something. I worry about him, I see how sometimes it is hard for him to cope or understand things that are occurring right in front of him. He doesn't understand body language and doesn't know how to act in some everyday situations.

How far do you take the in sickness and in health part of wedding vows?

I Don't Think So!!!

Last night as I was falling asleep you wanted to get lucky. I don't think so. I have told you there will be none of that as long as you treat me poorly. I don't know how to be anymore clear. It is not going to happen until after we work on repairing our marriage. I recognize the abuse and also know that it wasn't always like this. We had 10 good years. There has to be a way back to that. Until then I don't see any chance of us being intimate.

Expensive gifts are not the answer either, though they are appreciated, lol. Hugs, kisses, flirting, back rubs, and foot rubs however would be great deposits. You are overdrawn in the intimacy bank and you need to make some deposits. There have been penalties like any other bank and you just need to give me time and make those deposits to get back to the positive side. It will take time and effort but it can be done.

This is not something that is going to take five minutes or even five days to fix. Time to fix this will be in weeks and months. It will take effort on both out parts. This can't be a one sided effort. I wish I could believe you will put the effort in. You get so discouraged so quickly. If it isn't something that can be done in a minute or two you have a hard time following through on it.

It will take effort and courage, Things I had a hard time finding until I became a mommy. If I could find them anyone can.

Frustration and Peace (an unusual mix)

At 10:30 this morning the phone rings and I look at the caller ID like usual, my hear sank. It was a call from my son's school. He was disruptive in class again. He had to go the Principal's office to calm down. Luckily that work's he calms down quickly and the rest of the day is usually better behaved.

Well, not this time. He was so disruptive in lunch that his class lost a prize. His classmates were begging him to calm down and he couldn't. I don't want his classmates to resent him. I have to figure out how to help him calm down when he has an asperger's fit.

Not even 15 minutes later I got a call from the school social worker. We talked about what she is doing to prepare for his Student Support Team meeting. I hope they see that he needs a 504 or IEP and he gets the help he deserves and needs.

We started working on breathing and counting to calm himself down. After about 20 tries he managed to calm down. I don't know if it was the breathing and counting or if he did it on his own. His behavior has been slipping at home and in school. I wish I could find a way to help him.

Daddy took our son to a fun event at his school tonight. I had a nice quality evening with my daughter. We watch a Blue's Clues movie and Celtic Thunder. It was a calm evening with no screaming or tension. Even when they came home the atmosphere was peaceful.

Is this the calm before the storm? Tomorrow is payday and usually there is at least one fight about the money. I signed up to get a team of walkers for an Autism Walk in May and really want to add some funds to my pledge. I hope he will figure out tis is something I need to do. I can't make his's Asperger's go away. This way I feel like I am doing something.


My Son's Art

and so it begins again...

Dear Husband,

Once a month $12.89 is automatically deducted from the bank. This has been going on for many months now. I bought a series of books called" Help Me to be Good". I talked to you about the purchase before it was done. We agreed the book series was a great way to help teach important social skills for our son and would also be an asset for our daughter. I admit I can't remember how many times the payments will be taken out but it won't be forever.

Every month you forget and every month you yell at me. You tell me it was a stupid purchase and I suck because I cause our bank to be overdrawn. I don't forget, I try to remind you, I always remember. It would seem to me that the one who forgets and withdraws all the money from the bank would be the one at fault if blame needed to be assessed.

I didn't call you names or try to make you feel bad when you accidently withdrew $600.00 from the bank instead of $60.00. When you make a bank error I know it is a mistake and never talk to you like you talk to me. I hear the same argument from me and the first thing out of your mouth is "You Suck!!! You Kill us!!!" I don't even argue back anymore. It just isn't worth my energy.

We are fine as long as you are happy, but as soon as something happens to us that can be linked to me in any way you attack me with venom and blame me for as many things as you can. This is unfair and mean. Why you think it is okay to call me names in front of our children is beyond me? Again that is mean and rude. When our children come hoe from school in trouble because they called someone a horrible name I will know where they heard it and why they think it is right. Until then I just do as much damage control as I can.

Days like today make me very sad and make me want to hide away from the world. I dealt with that enough while growing up, I will not let you beat me down again. How do I make you understand? Is it even worth the battle?

Can You Learn Impulse Control?

My son has asperger's syndrome. Which means he is on the Autism Spectrum of Disorders. It is a struggle to
try to understand what the world is like for him and how to help him live in my world. I say my world because that is my only point of reference. On top of that is the possibility that my husband also has asperger's and has never been diagnosed. Not only that but he seems to be in denial about the possibility that he may also have this and of course is receiving no treatment. He is anti-therapy 100% and that pains me because I know how much therapy has helped me. I wish he would let someone help him.

Today my son got upset waiting an extra couple minutes for daddy to come outside and play hockey with him. In that time he threw his hockey stick at my daughter and hit her above her ear. We hear the screams and couldn't get there fast enough to stop it. Then there is the yelling between daddy and son and it is really hard to tell who is the parent when they do this. I have to separate them first. Have my son go in his room to calm down. Then I have to keep daddy from going through that door and opening up all the ick again. Then I have to calm my daughter down and asses how badly she is hurt.

I always say I am the brain of our family. I have to make the decisions and make sure it all gets done. I have to stop the screaming and figure out how to get it all to work. I have listened to my sons cries and he keeps saying he couldn't stop himself, he didn't mean it and I believe him. I know it is very difficult for him to stop an impulse once the concept enters his head and desire takes over.

I also can't have him throwing hockey sticks at my daughter or cause any harm to himself or others. I don't know how to help him. How do you teach impulse control to someone who just doesn't get it? Once the thought starts it is like gravity takes over and it is a force that can't be ignored. Sometimes it sucks being a mommy.

Then of course he looks at me with that goofy smile that just makes me a lump of mommy mush and I feel all that love and know I wouldn't want him to be anyone else. I take the poor decisions with the excellent ones and know I am blessed by him in my life. My world is a better place because he is part of it.