New Years Eve

Gratitude Project Day 43 (for as long as I can) I'm going to post at least three things I am grateful for. Join me!; 1)That 2011 is almost over, it has been a difficult year and I am glad to put it behind me. 2) That the grocery store's play room was open so I could grocery shop in peace. 3)That I could chat with a friend form my teen years today. It was via the computer but it was still nice to catch up.

Tonight we end 2011 and 2012 begins. When the clock strikes 12:00 midnight another year is behind us. I find myself doing what everyone does and I look back at the highs and lows of the year. I have to force myself to not dwell on the lows. That however is difficult. It is so easy to sink into the memories of all the things that happened this past year that were upsetting. Why is remembering the bad so much easier than remembering the good? I am pleased that the year is ending on a high, my new job is definitely the best thing that happened this past year.

What does the new year bring? I am hoping that this is the year that I can finally move out of this house and this marriage. I don't have to worry about sticking to my conviction about this. Anytime I start to think that maybe I will stay my worse half does something horrible and I remember why I need to walk out. Today in the parking lot after grocery shopping he did something to P that obviously hurt my son. P was being too silly and it needed to stop, however my soon to be ex didn't handle it very well. He flicked P's head and P was crying. I would have handled it differently. I wouldn't have done anything to hurt my son. Once the kids were in the car I told him exactly what I thought. He looked down and didn't reply. I wonder if he even listened to me.

So the year ends. He is upstairs alone watching the hockey game and the kids and I are downstairs watching the Disney Channel. More and more that is the way things work out. The kids try to stay with me as much as they can.

Though tonight they may be with me because of the food we have down here. We had sushi (It didn't last long, yum!), potato chips, pizza, shrimp chips (very yummy), cheese, crackers and summer sausage. We may not have a fancy New Year's party to go to but we can have the tasty food. Later we will break out the shrimp, pop and the sparking grape juice. This is one of the few days (or nights) that I allow them to have pop.

Happy New Year everyone, this is the year I will finally get out on my own, just me and the kids. That is so scary. Once upon a time I was afraid of failure. The thought of me giving up on my marriage was something that filled me with fear. I was worried about what people would think of me. Now I think "Let them look!" I am doing what is best for me and my children. If my daughter was in a marriage like mine I would do all I could to help her get out of it. So I need to do the same thing for me and them. We need to get out.

A Hand Made Christmas

A few months ago my children surprised me with a special Christmas request. They announced that they did not want electronic toys. They wanted hand made toys that helped develop their imaginations. My first thought was "Really?". For months before this all they wanted was a Nintendo DSi XL. Truth be told so did I? I had no idea how to pay for them and hoped that lay-a-way would be the answer to that question. Of course my soon-to-be-ex is completely opposed to lay-a-way. Then again he also is completely opposed to spending of money for anything.

The idea of buying hand made gifts was my first idea. I went to local craft shows hoping to find felt food like I saw on Etsy. It was often very realistic and I could see myself spending serious money on so many fun items. Unfortunately the local craft shows had nothing like what I was finding on Etsy. Christmas was fast approaching and buying items online and hoping they arrived before Christmas was risky. Plus I would have to hope the kids didn't see all the packages. So I shifted my thought process.

The kids wanted hand made toys, why couldn't I make them? I enjoy crafts, but I don't think of myself as crafty. It is an effort for me to make things because what I want them to look like and how they often actually turn out are very different things. Still I thought I could do it. I decided to make a puppet theater to hang in the doorway, a wood surface for P to drive his toy cars on. And for my daughter a play surface for her to play with her Littlest Pet Shop toys on. I needed paint, cloth, wood, felt, and glue. So I took the Christmas money and headed for the craft store. It was so scary to buy everything. What if I messed up? What if I spent all the money and the kids hated what I made? I was so worried!

One amazing thing happened my mom bought me a sewing machine for Christmas and gave it to me early. That helped make some of the items for the kids. When I threaded the needle for the first time I was thrilled. I knew that I was capable of getting these crafts done. I was starting to have faith in myself. I could really do this!

When I started working the job threw a monkey wrench into my plans. Prior to this I was working on puppets for the puppet theater at night. Now I had to sleep at night so I could work during the day. I was starting to get worried. Before this I hadn't even thought about what would happen if I didn't finish the items. I did have some other things to put under the tree but the items I was making were the big gifts. Christmas was getting closer and I was running out of time.

Okay it was now Christmas vacation, there were just days left and I hadn't even bought the wood I needed for the car board or play world for the kids. I left the kids with my Dad and headed to Home Depot. I walked over to were they had plywood and they had huge sheets, thin sheets, thick ones, small ones, so many different types of plywood. I thought this would be simple. Then a worker found me pondering several different pieces of wood. "May I help you?" he said and I think I audibly sighed in relief. I explained what I wanted to make and what sizes I needed and all I could think about was dollar signs. All this wood seemed to cost so much. I had underestimated the cost of wood.

The worker said he had something that was perfect for me and he showed me a thin sheet of plywood a little bigger than I needed but then he said the magic words, "I can sell you this for $2.00." Sold I said and picked out a smaller thicker piece for my daughter. He even helped me get the bar I needed for the doorway puppet theater so I could set it up and take it down easily. I paid for it and walked to the car to bring it home.

Remember when I said the wood was a bit larger than I needed? Well it also turns out that it was bigger than the trunk and the door to the back seat of my little car. There I was in the parking lot and of course it was cold and there was a bit of a mist in the air. How was I going to get this home? I had one option left, I put it on the top of the car. I had one bungee cord and a big yellow rope.

I strapped that piece of wood down and started for home. I drove mostly on side streets and of course went nice and slow. I could just imagine what other drivers thought as they passed me. I tried not to look at their faces. Eventually I made it home and hid the wood against the wall in the kitchen.

The item I made my son took two nights to make. The first night I painted the wood green. It took such a long time and I caught up on my missed episodes of Top Chef while I did the painting. Well that was until my worse half decided that he wanted to watch something different and changed the channel. I was busy so in his mind I wasn't watching tv. I ended up going to bed soon after that so we wouldn't get into a fight. The second day I added the streets and that was a lot of fun. It isn't perfect and there are some small imperfections but it was made from love and my son was thrilled when he saw it. It was the first thing he played with and the last before he went to bed that night.

The play world for my daughter was different. Again I painted it green, but that is all I did to the wood. All the decor on it was removable and changeable. I made lakes for her in several different colors including her beloved pink. I made stones out of foam so she could make pathways. I made trees out of pipe cleaners and pom poms. I had so much fun making these items and the best part is that I can make more for it because I didn't make anything permanent. She was also thrilled and has had so much fun playing with her animals.

The doorway puppet theater was the last large gift I made them. I picked some bright colored fabric to make it. Though I picked out fabric that was too thick. It broke my sewing machine's needle. So instead of sewing it together I used fabric glue. I even made the curtains for it tied back. The puppets for it were the most fun to make. I made animal finger puppets, I made, fun finger puppets. Some were not really anything, just figments of my imagination. I made people out of pieces of foam and attached them to popsicle sticks. I gave similar ones different facial expressions so they could be used for different emotions. They performed a puppet show for us on Christmas and it was so cute. They have wonderful imaginations and I am glad they chose to ask for gifts that allowed them to utilize them. It was a wonderful hand made Christmas and I can't wait to make more things for them.

I Have a Job (That I get a Paycheck for)

When I went to my son's school for his Parent-Teacher conference I never thought that it would lead to a job. I have interviewed and applied for so many teaching positions. I thought I had one in another state only to have the job offer rescinded. I have taught classes and been praised by the interviewer for my lessons only to never hear from them again. But when the Principal stopped me and asked me how my certification was going I had no way of knowing that that question would turn into a job.

I was hired by the district to be a substitute teacher within a month. Now I am working almost every day. It couldn't have come at a better time because Christmas is right around the corner and I always want to make it the best Christmas I can for the kids. One of the teachers asked me how the kids were handling the adjustment of Mommy going to work outside of the home? We all know that Mommy's are always working in the home. I thought about it and they are having no trouble adjusting. It is me that is having a bit of trouble adjusting.

Not that I am complaining because I love being a teacher. Plus I don't have to write any lesson plans or correct many papers. When I am in the classroom it is wonderful. Most of the time the students have been wonderful too. I love walking down the hall and having the children say hello to me by name. I am known as the teacher with the tarantulas. Even if it has been almost two years since Hannah has been to the classroom.

My problems with adjustment are amusing. I am not able to catch up with all my TV shows. Luckily I have a DVR but I have to admit the memory is getting mighty full especially this time of year. I admit it I am a sucker for the Christmas romance movies. Those added to the kids Christmas specials are taking up a lot of memory. Still I am slowly getting through most of them.

Sleep is my other issue. I was used to going to bed whenever. Some nights I admit I was up much too late, or was it too early in the morning? Yikes, even now as I type this I notice it is after midnight. Though I am only working a half day tomorrow (or today I guess) in the afternoon. Mostly I am able to adjust so I am going to sleep earlier and even manage to wake up in the morning. Any one who knows me knows that I am not a morning person, but I will wake up for a good reason, like a paycheck.

I was ready to go to sleep earlier tonight but I had to wash my hair. That is another of my amusing issues. I don't have a hair dryer and I don't want to go to school to teach with wet hair. My hair takes forever to dry, even with a hairdryer so when mine died several years ago I never bought another one. I thought the money would be better spent on food or some other essential. So I have to plan hair drying time into my schedule until I get a new hair dryer. Usually it is after the kids go to sleep and before I go to bed. I'm glad I remembered tonight because it cost $14.00 to go to the salon and get a blow dry there.

I have received my first paycheck and I bought myself a couple little things. Most of it went towards Christmas. Even hand made toys cost something to make. There is less than a week until the big day and I can honestly say that I am almost ready for it.

The best part of having a job (that I am getting paid for) is how I feel. I am so happy. Even my worse half has been in a better mood. He decided that since I am working that he will clean the living room. So far the kids and I have been doing it and he even got upset because he wanted to sleep and we were too loud cleaning. I hope this happiness stays with me. It has been a long time since I was this happy.

One Week Until Christmas

Gratitude Project Day 33 (for as long as I can) I'm going to post at least three things I am grateful for. Join me!; 1) That we (My husband and I) went out for a nice dinner and there was no conflict. 2) That so far my Christmas shopping has been more even then I thought it was. 3) Chocolate! 'Nuff said.

One week left and I am almost ready. I need one piece of plywood to make the matchbox roadmap for my son. Ideally I want to make it a map of the city we live in. If I can't do that it will just be fun with roads. I have the paint all ready I just haven't been able to get that piece of plywood. I am making it big enough for him to have some fun with it. Ideally I want a piece that is 4' x 3'. I got the idea when he took the protective covers for my dining room table and put them on his bed so he could drive his cars on top of it. He was so upset when we put them back on top of the table. It must be so simple, just go to Home Depot and buy it. Of course Home Depot is not a place I usually go so somehow I always manage to forget to go. Now I have a week left and I still don't have that plywood.

Then I have to finish making the puppet theater. I have the puppets almost done. The puppet theater just fits in the doorway and I need a tension rod. At least I think that is what it is called. It fits in the doorway and the puppet theater slides on like a curtain. I hope they really like all the things I have been making for them.

When P sat on Santa's lap he once again asked for handmade toys. I made him a wooden car this year. Well, I bought a Melissa & Doug build your own car kit. I painted it red, P's favorite color and installed the wheels. I am not a woodworker but still I build that car using the love in my heart. I hope he likes it. When we went to the local science museum he played with the wooden toy cars in the Explorations room. When it was time to leave, because the museum was closing, he was so upset because he had to put the cars away.

Dinner last night ended up being better than I thought. The only down side was the chicken. It was like eating cardboard. I had heard so many wonderful things about this restaurant that I was expecting better. We all got a tree made of Godiva chocolate. It was delicious. The door prizes were fantastic, but they were all won buy other people. They could have spent the same amount of money and still gotten nice door prizes for twice as many people. One of the prizes was an iPad 2 and there were other prizes valued at more than that.

We even did a little Christmas shopping together last night without any arguing. For my husband and I to go in a store and spend money without an argument I always thought that the world would have to end. Still we managed to buy one more gift for our son without fighting. Then we went home and he fell asleep on the couch without much talking at all.

Today he again is in grump mode. I am upstairs because I want to avoid the fighting. I just noticed the time and I wonder if the kids had lunch. He usually forgets and I stupidly stayed up here. I hope they ate. I need to stay on top of that more. Of course it is possible that they did eat lunch. Wow, he bought them McDonald's. Of course he didn't buy me any, I still haven't had lunch yet. Oh well.

Drat, the kids just discovered the chocolate.

Give Me Strength!

We are going out to dinner tonight. It his his company Christmas dinner and I wanted a nice dinner. The restaurant is a local and fancy. I have never eaten there before and against my better judgement I said I would go.

Today I did some Christmas shopping, I have a job and I had just cashed my first paycheck in seven years. Already he is trying to tell me what to do with it. I told him it was my first paycheck in seven years and it is a week before Christmas so I am finishing up my shopping for gifts. Then as I am on my way out he tells me that he still needs to take a nap before the dinner.

I understand and I only went to two stores. I came back and he went to bed. Earlier this week he split up the jobs in the house since I am working now. I do the kitchen and he does the living room. My mom is coming tonight to watch the kids and the living room still hasn't been picked up. I didn't yell or scream. Nor did I try to make him feel bad that he didn't clean the living room like he said he would. The kitchen isn't perfect either, we need more dishwasher detergent.

The kids and I straightened up. P even volunteered to vacuum. They were having fun and I guess were making some noise. They are kids and they were cleaning. I had no problem with it and I didn't think it was in excess. So the time came to wake Daddy up.

What a grump! He was mad that the kids made noise, he said he couldn't sleep. But not once did he say anything to us about it. Then he gets mad because we ran the vacuum. Seriously, he gets mad when I don't clean, then when we clean he gets mad too. So I guess I can't win.

Now I asked him when we need to be there and he has no idea. So I hope this evening goes well. Already I am ready to scream. Please wish me luck. The food had better be worth this!

Spitting in my Face

Gratitude Project Day 23 (for as long as I can) I'm going to post at least three things I am grateful for. Join me!; 1) That I have good friends to lean on when my days get tough! 2) That my children have such wonderful teachers that help them when they need the help. 3) That I have enough common sense to walk away when I don't want to get in a fight. Sadly not everyone who lives with me has the same common sense.

I don't know if it is the flu, maybe I have a cold. I went to bed yesterday and slept for about 24 hours. I woke up to a husband who decided that I was an unfit mother. The house wasn't picked up last night because he went to work and I was asleep. There is some clutter, but it is not horrible. Still he sees it and decides that I am unfit because I keep the house spotless.

When we dated his house was worse than our house looks today. When we lived together we never had our house spotless. When we got married our house was not pristine. It was never an issue for us. When we moved into the house his mother owned we tried to be better. I managed and the house looked better but again not perfect. When I had people over I usually had the house looking nice.

When I was so depressed that I couldn't function, the house got worse. He did nothing to clean it because by then he decided that since I wasn't working that I was the only one who had to clean. The house got bad, I felt bad and it was horrible. When it gets to the point where you don't know where to begin because you see no way to make it any better. I gave up and he decided that I was useless.

I have seen our life and house beyond repair. I have seen it where I couldn't fix it and our house is no where near as bad today. It is comfortable for me to have some clutter around and I can clean it in a few hours so I can have company over. It is not perfect and it is no where near a hoarder house. To hear my husband talk it is hoarder level and I never do anything to make it look better.

It is not the spotless house that my Mother-In-Law has. In her eyes if I have something on the floor it is messy. She thinks less of a person if they have clutter on the dinning room table.I know this because she has told me just that. I believe he words were "A good mother does not have a cluttered dinning room table. She has it clean so meals can be eaten off of it." I believe it can be cleaned off and then you can eat there. Everything needs to be put away and not visible. That works for her, but in the 16 years that my husband and I have been together that has not worked for us. Now he wants me to change and be as neat as his mother.

Maybe I could except he won't pick up after himself and has decided that I have to clean up his mess. He won't have the children clean up after themselves because that is also my job. When I manage to go out and spend time with my friends I know when I come home the house will be a disaster and I will be the one who has to clean it all up.

Now I was hired by a local school district to be a substitute teacher. I have been on the sub list for 5 days and he is mad that I haven't been called yet. He is actually yelling at me because I can't even get a job where they call me to work.

Today he spit in my face again. I thought he was being unreasonable with the kids. He wanted them to stop using the computer because they were taking videos and the background was cluttered. They have no internet access but still he was worried that the clutter would look bad. I went upstairs because I thought he was being paranoid but I didn't want a confrontation. Too late.

He followed me up and blocked me from going back down stairs. I was a captive. It sounds harsh but he was between me and the exit and wouldn't let me leave. He yelled at me and told me that he was going to call his mother so I would be kicked out of the house. That is his threat, if I don't keep the house the way she wants it he will tattle on me. Seriously, it is like living with a child.

He backed me into my room and I turned the tv on. I turned the volume up hoping he would get the hint that I wasn't going to engage. He didn't like that I challenged his manhood at one point so he pinned me down on the bed and spit in my face over and over again.

It has been a long time since he got physical with me, I stood up to him and he stopped. Now he is starting again. I am so close to getting money so I can get out. I need this sub job to start calling me and I need to get out. Am I really sick or am I just giving up? I am so tired that I want to just sleep and sleep and not have to deal with him.

The closer I get to getting out the more of a jerk he becomes. I walk away to not fight with him and he follows me just to start a fight and make it worse. Maybe I will work tomorrow, I need to focus on the possibility of a good thing and not the despair my marriage is in now.

Two Days of Thanksgiving

Gratitude Project (for as long as I can) I'm going to post at least three things I am grateful for. Join me!; 1)That I had a nice Thanksgiving Dinner with my family. 2) That even at nine and with a very short attention span my son still enjoys me reading to him every night (We are reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone) 3)That I managed to get the one thing I wanted on Black Friday (a $80.00 wheeled crate, to lug all my substitute teaching supplies around in, for $20.00 with no shipping and handling) on line and didn't have to go out and face the insane crowds.

Usually for Thanksgiving we go to my in-laws house. I sit and chat with my Mother-In-Law and my Sister-In-Law and often feel ignored or am the butt end of passive aggressive comments. Often I suddenly am alone and have to find where everyone has settled. I guess I was used to it. If I stay at the table it ends up being all the men talking about sports and war. Not my favorite subject. I have tried to chip in and help do the dishes or clean up but there also never seems to be a spot for me to do this. I get subtly pushed out of the way and my help is often rejected or ignored. In fact still after 15 years I don't know where many things go in my Mother-In-Law's house. Oddly I have been told that they resent that I don't chip in and help clean up. I don't enjoy going there and I decided that I don't have to anymore.

So this year I didn't go. I bought myself some sushi and pot stickers and had a very nice dinner all alone. It sounds like it wasn't a good time, but I loved it. I got a lot of cleaning done. It turns out that when two children are not undoing all my cleaning the house actually can stay cleaner longer. I even got started on cooking for our second Thanksgiving Dinner to be hosted at my house on Friday.

What? Thanksgiving on Friday? That is unheard of! It actually was done to preserve our stomachs. Instead of trying to fit two Thanksgiving Dinners in on Thanksgiving when I was growing up we split them up. We went to my Nana's (my Dad's Mom) on Thanksgiving and then on Friday we went to my Grandparents (my Mom's parents) family Thanksgiving dinner. Sometimes it was at our cottage where we had the traditional Thanksgiving push my Uncle's motorhome out of the mud because he always pulled into the soft part of the grass and sink. Ah, memories!

Fun story about me baking my pies. I was making from mostly scratch (I used canned pumpkin instead of a whole pumpkin) my first Pumpkin Pie. I know that I bought all the ingredients. I had the recipe out and was mixing all the ingredients together. Luckily I tasted it before I cooked it, I thought it just wasn't right so I re read the recipe that I somehow was no longer following and discovered that I forgot the brown sugar. It was 11:30ish on Thanksgiving night and all the stores were closed. Yikes!!! Egads!!!

So I went on a brown sugar quest, I went to Walgreens, but they didn't have it. They had flour, granulated sugar and honey but no brown sugar. I finally found a store that I thought was open and I knew they had it at 11:58 pm. As I closed the car door the outside sign turned off and when I tried to open the door it was locked. The cashier was counting her drawer but still I tried. I knocked on the door and showed then that I had cashed. I pleaded and finally a manager came to the door. He politely explained that they were closed and they couldn't do any more transactions. Still I pleaded, I only needed brown sugar, could I leave the cash for it and then they can ring it in the morning. He agreed to my proposition. I didn't mind waiting outside and soon I had my brown sugar and back home I went.

I love to cook, there is something about starting with a recipe and tweaking it here or there to make it your own. Yes, I am a recipe tweaker. Usually I cook main dishes or side dishes. If I cook a dessert it is usually follow the directions on the box or better yet buy it pre-made. This year I saw a great recipe for a Pumpkin Pie that I decided to try.

Wickedly Yummy Pumpkin pie
By: The Good Witches Farm House Kitchen

1 small sugar pumpkin
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/4 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/8 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon salt
2/3 cup real maple syrup
1 1/4 cups half-and-half cream
1 teaspoon all-purpose flour
3 eggs
1 (9 inch) unbaked pie shell
Directions

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C)

Cut up pumpkin, and remove seeds. Place in large baking pan, and cover with foil or lid. Bake for 1 hour, or until very tender. Remove from oven, and set aside to cool. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

Scrape pumpkin into a food processor; puree until smooth.

Measure 1 1/2 cups pumpkin puree. In a large bowl, mix together 1 1/2 cups pumpkin, brown sugar, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cloves, allspice, and salt. Stir in maple syrup, half-and-half, and flour. Mix in eggs one at a time. Pour filling into unbaked pie shell.

Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 1 hour, or until center is set.

Okay I admit it I tweaked it a little, I thought I had more maple syrup and so I used 1/3 c maple syrup and 1/3 c apple cider. I also didn't have a pumpkin so I used 1 15 ounce can of pure pumpkin.

I poured it into the pie shell and it almost over flowed. I thought I pinched the edges down and I guess I didn't do a good job. In the oven they flopped backwards and drooped almost down to the oven grate. It also took almost 1 1/2 hours to cook. It may not have been the prettiest pie but it was the most delicious pumpkin pie that I ever had.

My parents were over on Friday for our second Thanksgiving Dinner. I told my traditional Thanksgiving joke to my mother. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (Two but I don't know how they got in there.) I first told it maybe 15 years ago and my mother laughed so hard that she fell to the floor. In between gasps she tried to tell me that it was inappropriate to tell at Thanksgiving. I told her that it was hard to take her seriously when she was on the floor laughing.

The next year I remembered the joke and my mother's reaction so I asked if she remembered how she reacted the year before. She had no idea what I was talking about so I had to tell it again. She again was laughing so hard but didn't chastise me again. Since then I have told the same joke every year and every year my mom laughs so hard that she cries. The joke isn't why I tell it, it is my mother's reaction that makes it priceless.

This year was a wonderful year for Thanksgiving for me. It was low stress and because I used paper plates it also was a low dishwashing holiday. I am thankful for so much and I have to say I am thankful for all my readers. You help give me strength to stay on track. I love you all!

Learning to Let Go

Six months ago I received an email from my nephew, he invited us to his birthday party. The party was this last week, he was turning ten. He decided last May that he wanted it at a wall climbing center. I thought that sounds cool and over time forgot all about it. Last week I looked at the calendar and remembered all about it, yikes it was just days away. I pinned my brother down to find out the time and let my kids know.

My children can be as different as night and day, their reactions to this party showed me how true this was. My son was thrilled. He could climb walls! Where was this all his life? He couldn't wait. My daughter was excited about the party. She picked out a party dress, drew her cousin birthday pictures, planned how she would wrap his gift. She insisted I find out what his favorite color is and now is planning what kind of ribbon she will find for him.

B did decide at the last minute to bring a bag of play clothes with her just in case. It had occurred to her that a dress might not be the best thing to wear while climbing walls. Though I was sure if anyone could pull off a white dress with pink flowers while climbing a wall that she could. I am convinced that she will have grease streaks on her face as she arrives at prom with a bright pink frilly dress and hightop sneakers.

We got to the climbing center and my son was ready. He listened carefully to how to wear the harness (which was amazing in itself) and off he went with Daddy to hold onto the rope. However B wanted nothing to do with it. She hid behind me and refused to interact with anyone. This is a common occurrence at any place we go to where there are a large group of people that she has to interact with.

The part that amazes me, and sometimes frightens me is that with a group of strangers she has no problem interacting with them. She is outgoing and pretty spunky. But if we are in a group of people she knows or a group of people she knows and strangers she will hide and be super clingy to me. It was cute, but now I am trying to get her to embrace her spunk and participate at family or friend events.

My daughter and I walked to were P was climbing and I noticed the floor we were walking on was bouncy. I pointed this out to her and demonstrated how fun the floor was hoping she would un-cling herself from from my side. It worked and she started bouncing around like a kangaroo. Everyone was focused on climbing except for us. It was wonderful to see her happy and starting to break out of her fearful shell. She was thrilled that she could bound around and surprisingly the climbers had no problem with her bounding all over the place. In fact many of them took the time to watch us and smiles spread over their face. Occasionally she would stop and watch her brother climb and I asked her again if she wanted to try.

She ran to change her clothes and somehow the staff managed to get a harness to fit my daughters tiny body. She is almost seven years old and still weighs less than 40 pounds. Her brother gladly shared Daddy with her and up she went like a monkey. She was a natural! I think she went higher than P did. Like her brother she liked being lowered back down to the ground. I bet it was really cool, and no I did not climb. I enjoy having both my feet planted firmly on the ground. I was content taking photographs.

While climbing I worked on her to get her to leave my side. She was participating but still wouldn't be on her own. When I say I wanted her to leave my side, I tried to get her to go see her aunt who was maybe twenty feet away and within my line of vision. At some point I won't be able to stay with her as much as I do and I want her to be comfortable to join in the fun. I was so shy as a child that I missed out on many things. I see that starting to happen with B and I wish I could get her to learn to let go when it will help her learn to interact with her family and peers.

The day ended with a rare find. We went to a craft show and next to it was a small playground. You may think in mid November that a playground would be off limits. But it was an unseasonably warm day, I wasn't even wearing a jacket. The kids wanted to play and we thought why not. Soon the temperature will drop and the snow will fall. This maybe the last playground they play in this year.

In this playground was a small merry-go-round. This is something you don't find on many playground in our area. We had one in a playground near us but it has been removed. My children were thrilled to see it and excitedly ran to it begging Daddy to spin them. Then the air was filled with giggles and pleas for Daddy to spin them faster. They stopped briefly to use the slide one time, but that was not as much fun as getting dizzy so back they went to the merry-go-round. Now they can't wait to go back to that small playground. Funny it has much less to play on than the playgrounds near us, but that playground is all they are talking about now. I wonder if they will remember it in the spring?

Who is God?

I am watching a tv show about Muslim Americans and I am fascinated. Before 9/11 I never really thought about Muslims. I knew about them, but I knew very little about them. It was not a religion that I had taken time to learn about. I was raised Roman Catholic and I embraced it until I found I that I no longer agreed with many of its laws, rules, philosophies, doctrine. So I explored a little. I found one that fit me better and I stuck with it. Unfortunately like Islam it too is one that can fill people with fear and worry. Maybe it is because of this that now I want to learn more about Muslims. It is through ignorance sometimes that fear is spread.

As I was reading comments people wrote about the show http://www.andersoncooper.com/episodes/all-american-muslims-debate-how-do-you-feel-about-muslims-living-in-the-us/ and was disturbed by people claiming that our country is Christian. They took the phrase in the Pledge of Allegiance "Under God" to imply that God referred to the Christian version of God only. Where does it say that? I believe in God and I believe when I say the Pledge of Allegiance that it still applies to me. However I am not a Christian.

There is a old riddle about an elephant that in my mind is a perfect way to describe what God is, and no I am not implying that God is an elephant though that could be a valid and in some religions is a valid implication. Basically three blind individuals each are standing next to the same elephant. One at the elephants nose, one at the elephants body and one at the elephants leg. Each describes what they think the elephant is. Each one describes the elephant differently. They are all correct but they are all also incorrect because they can not "see" the whole elephant. Just because different religions have different descriptions of God does not make them wrong. Even if we could see God with our eyes, hear God with our ears, and feel God with our hands would our descriptions be similar enough that we could all agree?

Some of you may have noticed I have not used a pronoun to refer to God. Why? I don't think they can truly apply to God. Is God a male? Is God a female? Is God both? Maybe God is neither? I do believe in the masculine and the feminine of God. Still I find myself referring to God as a male out of reflex, that is how I was raised.

I want to know more about other's beliefs it fascinates me. In other countries and through out history wars have been fought over religion. Our country was formed as a country where we would have freedom of religion. We can have open discussions of "who is God?" and we can decide what religion we want to follow. Even so religion is still something in America that can bring a crowd to riot. Our religious beliefs can be so strong that we are willing to fight to express them. We also should fight so others can express theirs.

One thing the Muslims interviewed on Anderson had to say about Sharia Law, which I keep hearing hearing Americans refer to when they argue that Muslims should be watched and not allowed, is that a countries laws supersede them. They made a point to say that the Koran instructs followers to follow a nations laws above all. They are American's first and follow our constitution. These were not my words but words I heard on the tv show. Still they make sense to me.

So who is God? What are your beliefs? What would you think if after all is said and done you find out that God is the giant bird in the above cartoon? It is possible that we are all right and then again it is also possible that we are all wrong. Still I have no problem with you having your beliefs, please share that courtesy with me and everyone else. Maybe through respect and understanding we can care a little less about who is right and start finding ways to get along.

He's Back to His Usual Ways

I knew it was too good to be true, my worse half has been so much nicer these last few weeks. I was suspicious and knew it wouldn't last. This weekend the other shoe fell. He has become the Ogre that I am used to. Sadly it feels normal for him to be a jerk and for me to avoid him. I really didn't trust the nicer version of him.

He again is measuring my worth on how clean the house is. It a weakness of mine and I really try to keep the clutter picked up. That is not good enough, he wants the house to be spotless and so does his mother. He is upset that I have things in my room stored in bins. They are my teaching supplies, I am not getting rid of them. They are organized in labeled bins and are not in the way of anything. Still he wants them gone.

He is changing jobs and has been home for three days, the same three days as a long weekend for the kids. Add to that the fact that he is no longer trying to be nice to me (his words) means this has been a long weekend for Mommy too. He did actually tell me today that he has been trying to be nice to me these last few weeks and it wasn't working. How do I get him to understand that it will take years not weeks of him being nice to me for me to even begin to trust him again? Years I am not going to be investing.

He is upset because he thinks I am planning on leaving him. What gave him that idea? Oh I bet it was when I told him I was, maybe it was when I told the kids that as soon as Mommy finds another house we (the kids and I) would be moving. He was right there when I said that and he was part of the conversation. Now he is actually getting mad at me because I am going to leave him.

The only good thing to happen this weekend was the dreams I had last night. Mike Rowe was in them and I have to say that I will clean him any day. The dreams were wonderful and definitely cheered me up some. He can visit me in my dreams any night, during the day too. Hmmmmm, I wonder how many showers he takes? I bet he shows up tonight, he is happily on my mind!