Another Valentine's Day

There were no roses or candy for me. I did get the usual card. It said how he the only place for him is right next to me. If that is true why are we where we are? Why am I alone again? I know he is working and I know I don't even want to be around him all the time. But still just once I want a magical Valentine's day. I want to receive a gift that takes my breath away.

I'm tired of birthday's and Christmas's being just another day. Just because he doesn't want gifts doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same way. What's worse is it feels so petty of me. I mean really how materialistic of me to say that I want a gift. But I do.

I want to see a package wrapped in sparkles. I want that mystery of what could be inside it. I want the anticipation as I unwrap it of discovering the unknown. In all the years we have been together he only bought me gifts at the beginning. The last one was our first anniversary. How many years ago that was. But I still remember how that gift made me feel. It has been so long since I felt that way.

Over the years Christmas has shrunk. I get some of the magic by searching for that perfect gift for others. If I can't have the joy of that magic at least I can bring that magic to others. This year (again I sound so petty here) I only had one gift that I had no idea what it was. One gift that made me have that moment of wonderment as I tore open the Christmas wrap, to reveal possibly the worse gift I have ever received. I could have returned it with ease and still I hold onto it. I don't even really like the person who gave it to me. But still I have it, I guess it really is the thought that counts.

So here I type. St. Valentine's Day is over. I spent the majority of the day alone. I swiped a fun dip valentine that my son received from a classmate. I sat on the couch alone eating flavored sugar from a bag watching tv. Maybe my gift was the fact that the day went by with no arguments. The day ended with cuddles, hugs and kisses from my children. I do love being a mommy, but I wish I felt like a wife.