In a Funk

This week has been hard for me. I usually can pin point why, but I have no idea this week. Maybe it is not one specific thing. So much has been piling up on me that I feel like I am about ready to drop it all. I send out resumes and get very little response. I had interviews but no job offers. So now I am also applying for teacher aid positions, and positions that I am not sure that I want to do.

My worse half has been not as mean as usual, but still manages to pierce my soul with his words. He found out that I had my own bank account and was seriously mad at me that I opened it up. The same day he yelled at me for something else. I couldn't tell you what because I tuned him out and went to sleep. The kids were playing with friends and I just needed to go away. Since gas costs so much I just took a nap. As I was falling asleep he was yelling at me. It must have been the same old stuff.

Yesterday after my psychologist appointment he was mad because he doesn't get to tell his side, never mind that he refuses to go to the appointment. It is like that after every appointment I go to and every month is weighs down on my shoulders. If he is so concerned about what I say at my appointments maybe he should stop being so stubborn and accompany me. His refusal to go and try to fix the marriage speaks volumes and is a main reason why I am no longer in salvage mode. Now I just want to escape the sinking ship.

Sleep has become an escape for me this week. I play with the kids until he wakes up. Then I go upstairs and even though I do try to stay awake I fall asleep until he goes to work. I don't interact with him, but I miss so much of the day.

I hate being in this funk. I feel trapped by my inexperience and marriage. I don't want to do anything. I am noticing that I spend almost all my time in the house. I don't want to go outside. When was I outside last?