Awkward

It is official, I have no more access to the money. But he still expects me to do all the housework. He sits there and lets a mess grow, not asking the kids to put anything away. Then off he goes to work. To the world off grownups, where he can have adult conversation and not have to continuously clean faces or wash dishes.

I'mm not allowed to shop, which is my only escape into the world of grownups. If I spend money on food I am accused of stealing. If I make a decision on a meal choice I am questioned. He keeps trying to get me to believe that I am worthless.

His family is behind him according to him. Honestly I have no desire to find out if that is true or not. They haven't once tried to contact me since I discovered he was cheating on me. Oh, I almost forgot one cousin of his did contact me to find out what he was going to eat at their wedding. Sixteen years have gone by since I encountered him and his family. Sixteen years that I let my guard down around them. Sixteen lost years now. We are reduced to likes on facebook and one word updates. Just like my conversations with him. Awkward!!!

I know I am not worthless, it is just so hard to be around someone who wants you to feel that way. I don't want the kids to start thinking that too. I don't think that is going to happen. Even the kids notice how he is awful towards me and they try so hard to make me feel better. At the same time I try to keep his nastiness away from them. If only he would put effort into that as well.

They don't respect him, he doesn't follow through with discipline. He tells them to do something and they ignore him. I would love to just let him fail, but I can't. So I try to get them to listen to him. I try to get them to respect him. I try to keep them out of the middle.

They are not stupid though. They know that Daddy is mean to Mommy, they have seen me pushed into a wall and spit at. They have heard the horrible things he calls me. They take it in and ask questions. Mommy, why is Daddy taking all the money away from you? Why is Daddy so mean? Why? Why? Why? I don't know how to answer them. I have always told them the truth about the world. We talk about terrorism, we talk about drugs, sex, and anything else they want to know. But I can't answer these questions.

So my world is awkward now, I talk to children more than grownups, I have no money, I can't tell my children what is happening and I can't find a job. AWKWARD!!!!!