I'm Doing What Now? Am I Crazy? (That is a rhetorical question!)

     I am doing something I haven't had the courage to do in over ten years.  I am trying to get off my depression meds.  I originally was put on Effexor for Postpartum Depression six weeks after my daughter was born.  She is ten and a half now.  In that time, my depression got worse, my meds changed, my husband cheated on me, emotionally abused me and worse.

     Now I am divorced, I found a job that I love, and I am in a relationship that is going well.  I'm happy!  I can honestly say overall I am happy.  Sure at the moment I have no money, I actually have negative money.  That sucks but it isn't crippling.  I am having medical issues, hopefully it won't end up as cancer.  As of now it is just abnormal cells and bleeding.  Again it sucks, but I am still happy.

     So I went to my doctor and I got my dosage of Cymbalta reduced.  Hopefully I can start skipping doses in a few weeks and eventually not take them at all.   I have to see the doctor more, but hey I have medical issues anyway and I actually like my doctor.

      The only drawback is the side effects.  When I don't take my
meds, and that has happened occasionally, my brain feels mushy.  That is an odd description and the only way I can explain it is to imagine your brain is made of Play-Doh.  Then think about how it would feel to have someone slowly massage and squish it.  I'm not real dizzy, but it almost a dizzy feeling.  Honestly what I am looking for the most in never feeling that again!

     Only I would pick the time in my life when I have no money, going through a medical scare, and my boyfriend living an hour and a half a way so I hardly see him, to ween myself off depression meds.  I guess I really will know if I still suffer from depression or have learned and used skills to be free of it.


      Summer is half over so if I want to be off it by the time work starts again I have to do this now.  So wish me luck.  I need it.  And if you happen to know a millionaire looking for a girlfriend send them my way.  I can always hire my boyfriend as a poorboy.  I am sure he would understand.  Hopefully we will be in the Florida, Keys as well.  It never hurts to have a dream, lol!

A Marriage Ends

The divorce papers are signed and have been sent to the courts.  Now I just need to wait for the Judge to approve them.  So much hassle to be free of him.  My goal was to get out and not financial so I didn't worry about alimony or the like.  We had no assets so the divorce is fairly simple.

I have been separated from him legally for over a year, emotionally for about four years.  Still I have to see him five nights a week for about two minutes at a time when we switch who is with the children.  The decision was made to keep the kids in one place and because we (the adults) work opposite shifts will rotate who is with the kids.

Oddly just after I signed the papers I found some CDs that held copies of photos from when the children were younger.  Photos from when we were happy.  Photos that helped me pinpoint when things began to turn.

So many memories, so many moments of our lives.  Most when we were happy, but some of tears or moments that were less than ideal.  Moments that I thought were lost, moments I had forgotten about.  Moments that have been returned to me.

I look at the photos and wonder what I would have done then if I had known what was coming.  If I had known that out days of happiness were reaching the end.  Would I have changed some of the things I did?  Would I have protected myself or my children better?

These photos started when the children were babies and I watched them grow up again.  I watched them take their first steps and their joy at holidays.  Their reactions to life, and vacations that we will never take again.  Cuts and scrapes, mud and markers on skin.  Everyday life of a family.

I witnessed things they possessed as treasures.  Things they played with in their own special way.  Bubble baths in the backyard and birthday cakes that I used to make.  I need to start making them again.  That tree we named Viviane and gave her a face.  Holes they dug in the grass.

Sports played in the backyard and in the arenas.  Some sporting events that we went to as a family.  I remembered walking around and around the arena chasing my toddlers who couldn't sit still while their father watched the game.  Mascots they met and even some players too.

That dress we bought in Disney when she was just 10 months old.  She would have gone home with Winnie the Pooh and wanted nothing to do with Grandma.  We laughed about that for years.  My son met Mickey Mouse and went swimming in the hot tub in our hotel room.

We went raspberry picking and visited local farms.  That was before he would get upset if I spent $1.00.  We visited local amusement parks that my father built rides for.  We played in the yard together.  All of us rolling on the grass and playing with the hose.  

The kids would "steal" my coffee, they still do actually.   I would pretend to chase them.  But the older they got the more he changed.  I did too, we all did.  Sadly not all the changes were for the better and many led to tears and screaming.  But so many of those photos were moments of joy.

Some of the photos made me cry.  I found wedding photos.  Photos when the marriage began.  When I was sure I met the one I would spend the rest of my life with.  When I was walking down that aisle I never thought out marriage would end with our signatures on a piece of paper.  

And so a marriage ends...