My Darned Kidneys

The weekend was growing near and I was so excited. I knew on Saturday that I was going to go out for lunch with close friends. Afterwards we were walking through a local art festival. It was a day of pure enjoyment and it was coming fast. It was Thursday night and I went to sleep okay, but I had a little twinge on the left side of my lower back. It was right were the kidney was.

I know where my kidneys are because I happen to have a wonderful malady, Renal Tubular Acidosis. When my son was seven months old I started getting aches and pains in my arms and legs. I thought it was just because I was crawling on the floor with him a lot and it was a motion my body just wasn't used to. That was until I woke up one morning and my hand wouldn't work. I couldn't even get my son out of his crib. I called my sister in law in tears and she came over to help.

Of course I went right to the doctor right? No, I went scrapbooking. Try to picture someone scrapbooking when they can't use one arm, then the other. It was an interesting day and the pain was getting worse all day. I also couldn't stop drinking orange juice. After scrapbooking I went to the ER right? No my sister in law and I went shopping. By then I was barely able to walk. What was I thinking? I have no idea.

When I finally got home my sister in law said she was worried about leaving me alone and I assured her I would be okay. I was going to bed and I was sure I would be better soon. I was WRONG! Once home I managed to get upstairs and get online, when I couldn't manipulate the mouse then I called the doctor. That's right it took me not being able to use the internet for me to seek help.

The on call doctor had no idea why I was having this reaction. So they sent me to the ER. I called my husband and waited for him to come home to take me there. I tried to pick up a piece of paper and it was too heavy for me. By the time my husband got there I was in tears and could barely move.

I walked into the ER at the speed of a snail. The triage nurse watched and after accessing me had me take a seat. It couldn't be that bad, when it is real bad they take you right in. The waiting room was almost empty and the wait wasn't very long. I slowly stood up and again walked in super slow motion after the nurse who was walking at a normal gait. It was like the tortoise and the hare. She did realize I was lagging behind and slowed down.

No one thought it was serious yet. We got in the lovely private exam area protected the strength of a simple horribly patterned curtain. Swish, take of your clothes and put on this robe. Such simple directions and I couldn't do it. I tried. I couldn't lift my arms up, gravity had defeated me and I had to ask for help to get into the ugly hospital gown.

They ran the regular blood tests and tried to figure out why I couldn't move and why I was in so much pain. The first thing they found was that my potassium level was low. Now when I saw low, I mean low, one doctor was amazed that I had walked into the ER. I heard whispers that people die with a level so low. WHAT!!!!

I was admitted of course and the first thing they did was give me an iv. The bag was filled with potassium, the nurse said this might burn a bit. She LIED!!! Lava was flowing into my veins. The burning was unbearable and I tried to be brave. Finally I asked for pain meds. The burning was unbearable at this point. Tears were flowing down my face uncontrollably and I just wanted to sleep. They gave me one pain pill. It helped a little, I might have slept a little but the pain would wake me up and I wasn't allowed anymore pain meds.

I think I had the potassium iv filled with torture for at least a day. I was poked and prodded and had test after test. I barely saw the same doctor twice. Finally I noticed one doctor consistently. He was a nephrologist, a kidney doctor. He talked to me about something being wrong with my kidneys. He called it Renal Tubular Acidosis. They had to image my kidneys to be sure.

Lucky me, when they imaged my kidneys they were full of very small kidney stones. Hundreds, maybe even thousands was what they told me. Most would never bother me because they were very small. It was the other ones that worried me. I had a kidney stone about 18 months before, and it was worse than labor. By the way I didn't use meds in both of my pregnancies. I begged for pain meds when I had a kidney stone, now I had HUNDREDS to look forward to. Lucky me!

Basically RTA (renal Tubular Acidosis) happens when your kidneys remove potassium from your body. Potassium is what keeps our muscles moving, the heart is a muscle. So no potassium is very bad. It also makes your blood acidic and that eats away at your bones. What fun!!! So I have to take potassium supplements but I have to be careful because to much potassium can kill you too. I also have to take sodium bicarbonate, basically baking soda to keep my blood from becoming to acidic.

There are some advantages. It is really cool to see people's reaction when I tell them I have blood that is acid. Plus I am hardly ever bothered by mosquitos. Okay I don't know if the mosquito thing is because my blood is acid, but it sounds good doesn't it?

Disadvantages are taking too many pills, some make me gag because they are so big. Luckily now my levels seem to be stable and I am on a lot less meds. The other thing that gets to me is that about every 18 months I get a kidney stone or a kidney infection. Sometimes I get both, what a bonus!

So I went to bed on Thursday with visions of a fun filled Saturday in my head. I woke up very early Friday morning sweating and shivering. My teeth were chattering, I tried to deny it, I took some tylenol and grabbed another blanket and went back to sleep. I was okay in the morning, I almost forgot about the early morning freeze. Then just as the the doctor's office closed the shivering came back.

I was so cold, I was under three blankets and I was seeing my Saturday of fun fade away. I called the doctor and thankfully he knew I was familiar with this and since I wasn't in too much pain all I need was an antibiotic. He phoned in script to my pharmacy and my husband picked it up.

Now my husband is another piece of this story. He is on the couch until he finds another place to live. Friday night he was invited to his sister's house. It was her husband's birthday and they had something planned for my husband, not me, I wasn't invited. I am on the couch shivering and he is instructing our children what to do if Mommy passes out. He is going over 911 and what to say to the operator. Really! If I wasn't so sick I would have yelled at him. If he was that worried then stay home. You don't leave a 8 and 6 year old home to deal with that.

He called twice to check on me, both time before bedtime for the kids. He finally came home well into the early hours of the morning. I was feeling better. The antibiotics were working and my decision to divorce him was strengthened.

I did go out on Saturday with my friends. I had delicious BBQ and even bought my children a toy each. The time spent away from my family was the best medicine. I have been tied to this house and my family for so long I had forgotten what it was like to get away.

My Mommy Friends

I think if it wasn't for the internet I would be a quivering lump of jello by now. Even before I started this blog I have gotten amazing support from other moms over the internet. My Mommy friends have held me up wen I was sure I couldn't go on.

After I had my son I found two local Mommy groups and one was a perfect fit. I still am involved in that group eight years later. It's not all puppy dogs and rainbows. If you put a group of women together there will always be conflict. But there is also an amazing support structure.

Since then I have expanded to two local groups. There are some members that belong to both groups but overall the two groups have two different personalities. Even though the personalities change as the group continues over the years the main focus remains the same. They are safe place where a mom can go online and in some case in person to compare notes and stay sane.

The local groups have Moms Nights Outs, picnics and playdates. The children make friends and the moms not only gain friends they get a safety net. When one mom in a moms groups needs help the group always comes together with support.

I also belong to one international Moms group. We originally all were due in the same month in 2004. We shared pregnancy stories, birth stories and learned about life all over the world. We had tragedies and amazing things happen to all of us. We have survived from iVillage to our own sites. We have had group divisions and group bondings. Through it all many of us have stuck around to become the Hot Mama's. I have not met one member of this group in person but I would bend over backwards to help them when I can. If I ever did meet one and I wish I could meet them all I know we would great each other with the biggest bear hugs we could.

It is my "Mommy Friends" that help get me through the mundane and the insanity of my life. I may not be able to count on my husband but I can count on my fellow mommies. They support me and tell me nicely when I misstep. They are my extended family all over the world. My Mommy friends mean the world to me, thank you all for being there for me.

How Much More Can I Take

I have to move. I want to be clear that I don't want to move and I don't want to uproot my children from their home and possibly their school and friends because my husband make a poor decision. I find that I am filled with so much hate. I hate that his decision is effecting my life on so many levels. I hate that his mother talked us into selling our house and renting from her. I hate that I was part of the problem in our last house. I hate that I gave up and I hate that it all overwhelmed me. How do you clean when it becomes too much.

I hate that those that judge me now never thought to find out why. Though I don't know if I could have shared that with them back then. I hate that I was forced to move a year ago when I didn't want to. I hate that many of the things I loved where disposed of without care or though even after I was told that I had three more days to move them.

I hate living under the threats, but I accepted that. I worked hard to improve and I worked hard to save this crumbling marriage. Now it is all falling apart and I am metaphorically battered and bruised. My spirit is shattered and my heart aches. The only thing keeping me going is that I ned to be there for my children.

I found a house that I wanted to move us into. It had three bedrooms and a fenced in yard. There was even a screened in front porch. All the owned wanted was a reference from my landlord. There will be no reference, my landlord has no interest in helping me find another place to live. Not that I was expecting help, but I was expecting a little goodwill.

I am losing my home, I am losing my marriage and now I lost the home I wanted to move into. I went to my doctor's office yesterday to get anti-anxiety meds. So I am on yet another medication, but I finally got sleep last night. I started peeling skin off my feet again. I haven't done that since I lived home with my parents. I don't even know I am doing it until I start to bleed. I called my psychologist to start seeing him again. I know I can't handle this without help.

I worry about being on my own, I worry about not being able to find a safe place to live with my children. I worry that I will be like a zombie. I worry about so much! How much more can I take? When I think it is as bad as it can get more happens. Sometimes I wish I could sleep through it all, but that won't make it any better. I am going to find a way to get through this. I just keep telling myself that.

Sand on My Bed

Despite what has happened this week I still have to be Mommy and he still has to be Daddy. And that is how the story of how I found sand in my bed begins. Payday is Friday and our children ask to go to the Dollar Store every Friday. I don't blame them if once a week when I was a child I could go to a store and find amazing toys for just a dollar I would have begged to go too. Sometimes I find myself begging to go now. You never know what you might find there. Of course I don't think the toys are as amazing as my children do. To see their reaction of pure joy when they pick out a set of toy handcuffs or doll furniture that you know will break within five uses still amazes me.

They are never allowed to get more than two items. Some weeks my son will pick out a toy and others it will be a flashlight. He will have his item of choice with in minutes of walking in the store and want to pay for it and leave right away. My daughter is completely different. She will go up and down every aisle. She examines everything. She will pick an item up and inspect it like she is a customs agent. Then she announces "NO!" and puts it back. Finally when she picks an item and I think we can finally leave she changes her mind in seconds. She will the begin her second tour of the store and only when I set a final time limit will she pick her final item or items.

Daddy and I allow different items for the children to pick out. I think about what harm they can do to our house with their selected items. Items like playdough, which can magically end up in our carpet with neither child knowing how it got there. It can also end up on the ceiling, that I will never forget. They always want to buy Sharpies, I just see ink marks on furniture or skin that are difficult or impossible to remove. They also always want candy. I am not close to skinny. I don't want my children to ever weigh as much as I do so I tend to limit sweets in our house.

Now Daddy has one goal when he walks in the Dollar Store. He wants to get out as fast as possible. He encourages the children to pick what they want as soon as possible and if it is clay or candy or markers that's okay because he can pay and go. I cringe when they come home because I never know what items of destruction the children will find when they go to the Dollar Store without me.

This week my daughter comes home with a sandart kit. basically you pour layers of different colored sand into a bottle to make a design.

It can be beautiful and intricate designs can be made with the sand. However my daughter is six. I'm not saying she isn't creative, she is very creative. I just see sand indoors with a six year old as asking for trouble. Daddy let her buy it and I now have to let her use it. I suggested that she use it outside and that worked, but eventually the bottles of colored sand came inside. And I made it worse. I showed her a trick with the sand. I showed her how you can use a thin stick to push down a layer to change the look. We used to make birds like that when I was in Camp Fire.

Tonight I came up into my room and all over my bed is a layer of pink sand. I have some pickup sticks in my room and I showed her my "trick" with a pickup stick. Bonus in the middle of my bed she is sleeping. I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't even wake her up. I wondered how could she sleep on sand? That can't be comfortable. But she is snuggled up in her bright pink comforter on top of a layer of pink sand. She looks so peaceful and happy. I wonder what I looked like? What would you look like if you found your bed covered in pink sand and the culprit asleep on top of it?

I managed to scoop her up and dust her off, I changed her jammies and brushed her hair. The amazing thing was that she never woke up. I stripped my bed and shook the sheets outside. I made my bed again and her I am. In the morning I will have to vacuums my floor, it fells like a carpeted beach. I tell myself no more sand art kits for a while. Well at least until Daddy goes shopping with the children again. I shudder at the thought.

An Emotional Collapse

I took back his ring. I put it away with mine. The marriage is over and the rings are hidden away. Maybe I can pass them along to the children someday. I don't think I can sell them. They have been through some good times. Though not lately.

Up until tonight it has been civil. I have held myself together, you know putting on a brave front so the kids don't see how devastated I am. But he isn't working tonight. The kids are asleep and he in on the couch. Almost like a normal evening. I had to ask, I had to make sure he knew I wasn't backing down. He needs to seriously find another place to live. I am not cruel I am not going to throw him out with no place to go. It doesn't matter if I can think of a dozen places where he could go.

For years I have been telling him I needed help. I told him we needed help. I went to therapy and talked to him and when we walked out, with me feeling amazing because I thought we communicated he said it was a bunch of bull. So he wouldn't do therapy, he wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't be with me. It was him in the living room and me in the bedroom. There I stayed and stayed and died inside.

Instead of being part of my life he complained to whoever would listen. His wife wouldn't clean, his wife wouldn't spend time with him, his wife was distant. It never occurred to him that it might be connected to the years of pleas for help that came out of my mouth. I hid it from the world, but not from him. He would say it will all work out, but there was never a plan to make it work out. There was no map to get us to a happy ending. And the distance between us grew into a chasm.

Did he think I didn't notice the looks I got from his family and friends? Did he think I didn't notice how distant they became. Add to that the things he did and say to me and I shut down even more. Until the day I started this blog. Until the day I opened myself up to the world. That day I started to break free.

I can't help but wonder why all the people he complained to never thought to find out what was going on. Not once did any of them investigate further. No one asked me why wasn't I cleaning. No one asked why was I hiding from the world. Did they even notice. They do now. They check on him now. They see if he is okay. HE IS THE ONE WHO CHEATED!!!!!!! I am the one being ignored.

To be clear I didn't expect support from his family, but I didn't expect attitude from them. I knew I would be kicked out of my house and have to move with my children and disrupt their life because of his mistake. I didn't expect that if he had the children they could stay in the house. It is me that isn't wanted.

I have dealt with all of this this week and I am sure other things too. Then tonight he sits next to me on the couch like nothing happened. I lost it. I yelled and I screamed. I let it all out. How could he do this to me, to our children? So much emotion, so much pain came out. I cried and I was shaking. I am glad the kids were asleep.

How long until he finds a place to move to? If I can't handle one night of him being home how am I going to handle next week. He is on vacation, hoe can I avoid him? Do I stay upstairs all the time? Then it is his birthday and the kids want me to make a cake. They want to have a party. They want balloons.

Why I Am Sharing My Life

I have had so many readers, friends and family show me amazing support in these last few days. Thank you all so much. It means the world to me. It is because of all of you that I have been able to exist these last few days.

The ending of my marriage is no surprise. If you have been reading my blog you know that we have had our issues. He has been mean and abusive at times. I too have had my moments that I am not proud of. The cheating was just the final straw.

To be fair he has his good qualities. When we were dating he would shower me with positive affection and love. He proposed to me at the top of the CN tower in Toronto. He even managed to get management to open up the sky deck (it was closed to the public due to clouds) so he could propose to me at the top of the world.

I have said it before and I will say it again, it is no picnic to live with me. I have depression and can hide away from the world for huge chunks of time. I am moody and it has been said that I have a temper.

That said he did cheat on me, he broke our vows and now our marriage is over. It is only because I have had such positive support and such wonderful children that I have been able to function these last few days. Not all the feedback I have received has been positive. I have been asked by one individual to keep my private life private. They suggest that I am turning my family drama into a cheap talk show. My own mother was horrified that I share such personal information with the world. SHe says it is none of their business.

So why am I doing this? Why am I opening up my dysfunctional marriage and life to the world? I firmly believe that people who hide their "dirty laundry" can be the ones that just disappear. I could have just hidden away in my room and would I have been missed? I was miserable and alone, it was even hard for me to be there for my children. It was writing this blog and sharing my story that gave me the strength to keep going. It was therapeutic and still is.

A side effect has helped keep me going. I have heard from women who have read my story and have found the strength to make their life better. Writing this has been good for me and it has been good for others.

So in response to anyone who wants me to keep my personal life private, NO!!! By keeping quiet horrible things have happened all over the world. While my life may not save the planet, maybe it can help save a family or two. Maybe it can help someone find the strength they need. That is why I am sharing my life.

The Day After

My marriage is over and I have to keep going. I am a mom and just because my husband did something stupid doesn't mean I can stop. So today I rose from the ashes and started my life as someone getting a divorce. A divorce, I never thought I would be getting one. I thought my marriage would survive, I had so much faith fourteen years ago.

August 9th was the big day almost fourteen years ago. I walked down that aisle and said my vows. One of those vows was to remain faithful. I stayed true to my vows.

So today we talked. It was the longest conversation that we have had in months. There was no yelling, no screaming and no violence. He even admitted what he did. Though he tried to blame me for it. Even with that attempt we stayed civil.

We talked about custody. I would have custody of the children and he would get visitation, he would like every other weekend. Right now I am okay with that. For holidays, he would have Christmas Eve (his family has a huge party that night) and I would get Christmas. I would have the day before Easter and he would have Easter Sunday. He would have Thanksgiving (We always spent Thanksgiving with his family) and I would have Black Friday, which is my families traditional Thanksgiving Dinner day.

We talked about furniture, stoves and beds. I want a new bed and he gets our old one. He still needs to find a place to live. Only so much can get done in a day. I too have to find a new place. His mother will not let me stay in the house with the kids. If Dennis had custody they could stay here. Since that is not an option we too have to move. She thinks I am destructive. I don't have to deal with her anymore so she can think what she wants.

I was fine until he left the house. I started feeling anxiety. I stayed strong and focused on the routine of homework and bedtime. I read the stories and the kids and I talked. They are only concerned about sleepovers with Daddy. It seems the want them to start asap. They seem to accept the situation with positive attitudes.

We sat down with them when they came home from school and talked. It was only when I said that Daddy and Mommy would be living in different houses that they seemed upset. But once they learned that they would still see Daddy often they accepted it and seemed fine with it.

After they went to bed and the house was quiet I started to cry. The anxiety was overwhelming and I worried about looking for a place to live. I haven't ever had to look for an apartment or a place to live. The closest was finding a room to rent when I lived in another city for an internship. Then there is the job issue, I still don't have one.

I guess I will be visiting some day cares since I have had no real teaching bites yet. That will get me through the summer and hopefully I will be able to sub in the fall. Even if I had a sub job now I would still need to find a summer job so I could afford a place to live in September.

Today was almost too much, I am glad we seem to be settling this with out issue so far, but soon lawyers will get involved. If all goes well I will be single by our anniversary. I never thought I would be single again. What a day after!

Three O'Clock In The Morning

It is three o'clock in the morning and as I pet the sleeping cat next to me it hits me. Almost 14 years of marriage are over. My life is forever changed and my children's world is about to crash. How are they going to handle it? How am I going to handle it? I was in my 20's the last time I was single. Now I will be a single mother. What has he done?

I am so mad. His poor decisions are going to effect us for the rest of our lives. He not only cheated on me, he cheated on his children too. How dare he!!!!

I need so much strength now, I need to stay firm. I can't keep him from the kids, but I can't let him get to me.

I fear his mother. She owns this house and she said she would give me time to find a place if we ended up separating. But she also said similar things when we moved out of the last house and that turned into a fiasco that still haunts us all.

Will he come home in the morning? Will he force his way back into the house? What will the morning bring? My stomach is in knots and I can't help but cry. Then I think of him calling me a cry baby and I am mad again.

I go back to petting my cat. He is purring and comfortable, so peaceful. I am envious. I hope I can sleep tonight. The rhythmic purring makes me feel so much better, maybe sleep will come. Three o'clock in the morning.

The Final Straw

Today after my husband left for work I sat down at our desktop. As usual it was on my husband's settings, I hardly ever use the desktop so that is nothing unusual. He has been getting a lot of new female facebook friends, from the looks of it, they are porn actresses or strippers. Because my kids play facebook games on his profile I will make sure it is child friendly. I checked his messages and found this.

Him
hey u there?
Her
hey whats up??
Him
got time 4 a quicky?
Her
sure lol
Him
i have to be home by 1 45
Her
ok gotta shower
Him
on my way go ahead
Her
ok

Another day

Him
hey there!!!!!!
Her
what's up sweetie!!!
Him
i was wondering, i have had many early days from work when do u leave for work
Her
usually by 5 am
Him
ok darn cause i almost called u at 5 15 am this morning
Her
but if u can drive me to grand island on ur way home i have to be to work by 7 am
Him
i wanted to ask if i took u to work what time can i come over! i see
Her
u can come over anytime as long as i'm at work by 7

Another Day

Him May 19 i was off work mondy nite and tues nite i tried to call cause i wanted to pop by those nights
Her May 19 no shit!!! damn
Him May 19
itried to caal but no one was home you were most likely at truck school
Her May 19 had to quit long story
Him May 19 i see
Her May 19 nothing bad just the way things are
Him May 19 i see
Her May 19 how bout sat. nite
Him May 19 it was a hard schedule
Her May 19 brutal lol
Him May 19 dont know but i think tomorrow nite could work
Her May 19 damn, going out tomorrow
Him May 19 the wife graduates from niagara u saturday she finished school last december
Her May 19 nice!!!!
Him May 19 i need it bad!
Her May 19 lol me too babe me too i need the rough stuff lol
Him May 19 if i eat dinner fast enough ill drop by for a quicky
Her May 19 tonite ?
Him May 19 ya
Her May 19 what time
Him May 19 like 6pm if your available
Her May 19
ok but u have to grab me by the hair and call me whore agreed lmao
Him May 19 but of course!!!!!! WHORE!
Her May 19 niiiiiiice mmmmm i love it gonna take a shower and i'll meet u in the basement
Him May 19 k 77777777777777777
Me 3 minutes ago BUSTED!!! Oh by the way this is his wife!!!

I made a PDF and a JPEG of these conversations and I have them safe and sent to various people. I called him knowing he was working, but he will call me back.

I called my parents and told them I am kicking him out, I told everyone. The more people I tell the more empowered I feel. The more I know that I can do this and stick to my guns.

The hard part was not letting the kids know what was happening. I got teary eyed, but I did not cry. I managed to get them focused on their homework and the bedtime routine. I am so glad that they have school tomorrow. If this had happened yesterday I don;t know how I would have have handled today.

Of course they day wasn't a very good one before this discovery. It is Memorial Day and every year he carries the flag for the Elk Lodge. Every year my children ride on the float and get to be in the parade. This is a highlight for my children and something they look forward to.

They were supposed to be there at 10 am. I got a call from my mom at 9:55 to tell us to bring car seats. (Which we always do because they are in our car and would be used by the kids on the drive to the lodge.) I came downstairs and he is in the shower. The kids are getting their water and are so excited. He then tells me that he doesn't want to go and I should take them.

The Elks are depending on him to carry the flag. Our children are depending on him so they can be in the parade and five minutes before they are supposed to be there he tries to get out of it. Somehow without any real yelling I managed to convince him to take the kids. Of course he called me his new pet name before he left. I am Lazy Fat Ass, isn't that a wonderful thing for a man to call call his wife in front of his children?

He did call me back and tried to deny it. He thought I would believe that it was just a "joke" between them and nothing really happened. I have heard that before and because I wanted to try to save this marriage I let it go.

First when I was working full time, I caught him writing love letters to another woman online. His excise was they would never meet and it was a game to him. Then I had a facebook friend bust him when he emailed a reply to one of her friends looking for a good time.

He wrote:

I am a 42 year old white male in an unhappy marriage too. In the pic i am wearing the gray shirt that says New York. Im 6 feet tall 175 pounds brown hair green eyes. I would love to hook up. We can get a room somewhere cause I cant host either. If interested please reply by e-mail or text me at (his cell phone number) and write BBW in message so I know who you are.

He apologized and said nothing happened. I told him no more sex until he got a clean heath report, He never provided me with one.

Then I found the condom in the car and now this. Really you want to believe nothing happened? No more chances.

I am calling a lawyer in the morning and am considering a restraining order or order of protection to make sure he stays away. I told him to stay with his girlfriend he wasn't sleeping here any more. He hung up the phone after a long pause, no more denials.

His mother owns the house we live in, I know I will have to eventually move out, but I also know that she will give me a chance to find a another place and I won't have to rush.

An uncontested divorce can be finalized in 60 days. Hopefully I can be done with this by the fall and can be settled before school starts. I hate that I have to uproot my children because he was selfish.

The only good thing is that because of all the horrible things he has done to me in the last few years, all the nasty things he has done to me and said to me, all the hitting and spitting I am prepared mentally for this. I have known it was over for a while this just finalized it for me. The final straw and I am done.

I Don't Need a Husband

I do not like being warm or hot. Even in the winter I am known for opening the windows, lowering the thermostat and using fans. Last year we moved from a house with central air (I miss central air!) to a house with just windows we could open. Then our cats discovered that they could rip our screens to get outside. To keep mosquitos and other assorted insects out those windows stayed closed. I was miserable.

I bought window air conditioners. Mommy was much happier and cooler. Of course Daddy didn't want them, he didn't want to spend the money and many fights happened about the temperature and how miserable I was. My brother had to help me assemble them and install them, my husband would not.

They made the summer bearable. He enjoyed their comfort and even grudgingly took them out of the windows when the autumn air consistently was cool. There was yelling and cursing and arguing but it got done. Winter came and went and in less than a month we went from needing the heat on to uncomfortable warmth.

I wanted my air conditioned installed in the bedroom. I had two fans running at night and still I was too warm. It was time and I asked him for help. My husband typically responds to me asking for help with a look of disgust on his face. He waits a moment and will them loudly ask why can't I do it. The battle begins

Surprisingly he agreed to put the air conditioner in with little complaint. But it turned into an ordeal. He almost dropped it out the window and had trouble figuring out how it would sit in the window without falling. Any help I offered was loudly refused and I regretted that I even asked.

That was two weeks ago. He said after my air conditioned was installed he would get the others in later because he had to go to work. I understood, installing air conditioners is not a good excuse for being late to work. A day went by and then a few and then a week. I occasionally would ask when he would install them. He never would give a definite answer.

Summer is here, well "The Official Start" of summer is this weekend. The days are warmer and the nights are sticky. My son sleeps with a fan on his bed running at full speed and a ceiling fan above his bed whirling as fast as it can. My daughter sleeps in my bed so she can be comfortable at night. The air conditioners sit in her closet not getting any closer to the windows.

He and I have argued about them, if I question his methods he explodes with anger. Today he screamed at me that I was a nag. I keep asking him to put them in and he is tired of it. I have been asking a lot lately, however if he had put them in when he said he would two weeks ago I would not be nagging him today. I would have been comfortable in the living room and he could have watched his hockey YouTube videos in peace.

Instead he refused to put them in. He told me to call my brother to put them in and he stormed out of the house. At least I managed to get him to say goodnight to the kids. I have had it. I dragged them out of the closet and managed to slide them down the stairs. My son held the curtains so I could put them in the windows. He helped me move the couch so I could put one in the window in our living room.

Once again my husband has pushed me away. He refuses to do anything I ask him because I am a nag. Even a simple conversation with him is torture. I am miserable and I know he is too. The difference is that he resists any of my efforts to improve our marriage. He also believes that I am the cause of all of our problems. I cause all the arguments and I am the one who causes all the things that go wrong. He doesn't do any of it in his mind.

Well tonight I got something done without him that I didn't think I could do. He tells me that I won't make it on my own. He tells me that I am worthless and can't do anything right. He is wrong. I got two air conditioners in tonight without his help. It would be nice to have someone around to help, but if I think about it his help comes with heartache and stress. I get depressed and in the past I have withdrawn from the world. I won't let him put me down anymore. I don't need him, I am capable and I will be able to make it without him.