There were no roses or candy for me. I did get the usual card. It said how he the only place for him is right next to me. If that is true why are we where we are? Why am I alone again? I know he is working and I know I don't even want to be around him all the time. But still just once I want a magical Valentine's day. I want to receive a gift that takes my breath away.
I'm tired of birthday's and Christmas's being just another day. Just because he doesn't want gifts doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same way. What's worse is it feels so petty of me. I mean really how materialistic of me to say that I want a gift. But I do.
I want to see a package wrapped in sparkles. I want that mystery of what could be inside it. I want the anticipation as I unwrap it of discovering the unknown. In all the years we have been together he only bought me gifts at the beginning. The last one was our first anniversary. How many years ago that was. But I still remember how that gift made me feel. It has been so long since I felt that way.
Over the years Christmas has shrunk. I get some of the magic by searching for that perfect gift for others. If I can't have the joy of that magic at least I can bring that magic to others. This year (again I sound so petty here) I only had one gift that I had no idea what it was. One gift that made me have that moment of wonderment as I tore open the Christmas wrap, to reveal possibly the worse gift I have ever received. I could have returned it with ease and still I hold onto it. I don't even really like the person who gave it to me. But still I have it, I guess it really is the thought that counts.
So here I type. St. Valentine's Day is over. I spent the majority of the day alone. I swiped a fun dip valentine that my son received from a classmate. I sat on the couch alone eating flavored sugar from a bag watching tv. Maybe my gift was the fact that the day went by with no arguments. The day ended with cuddles, hugs and kisses from my children. I do love being a mommy, but I wish I felt like a wife.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I Took a Step
Again I am told by him that I do nothing in the house. I wanted the couch moved so I cleaned out the hide hole behind it. Since the items kind of belonged there I had no real place to put them. hen I waited for him to help me move the couch. He went to work. So I made sure things were still out of the way the next day. The room looked bad, it was cluttered. Things were not were they belonged because I wanted the couch moved.
So he wakes up and comes down stairs. Then he does his sidewards glance at the mess and rolls his eyes while shaking his head. I simply ask if he can help me move the couch. Now the words come. He liked the couch were it was, look at this mess, I don't do anything, I am fat and lazy. Since I don't work I should be cleaning the house all day. I know I could work around the house more, but in all fairness I do at least 500% more than I used to. I am not going to be Debbie Homemaker overnight. But it is not good enough for him.
Bonus, he has this hangup about bandaids. If they get used too fast he gets upset. I have been using them, they fall off I replace them. Well, today he quizzes me on my bandaid usage. He actually wanted me to account for my bandaid usage. I balked and refused to justify my use of bandaids. I am a grown up and if I want to use a band aid I will!!!
So I go upstairs while he is moving the couch. (I only wanted it moved about 1-2 feet, but turned a little too.) My daughter and I are upstairs she is watching tv and I am reading my book. Then I look at the clock, it is 15 minutes before he leaves for work. What happened to dinner? I go down stairs to find out and the couch is not moved. One thing I ask and he didn't do it.
Now I am mad and so is he, he tells me I am going to be kicked out of the house, bye bye. I was so glad when he finally left for work. I was in tears. My son came up to me and gave me a big hug, I couldn't hide my tears from him. I had to do something so I did.
I called the landlord (my Mother-in-law) to find out where I stand if we separate. To my relief she will work with us to make sure no one ends up on the street. Ideally if I had a job and could show her I could pay the rent she would consider letting me and the kids stay. Bottom line we have to make this as bearable as possible for the kids. I wish I had the money to buy the house outright. But at least I know I have a home and will not be kicked out.
I opened up to her about what was happening with us. She had no idea of course. I don't know how long I was on the phone with her, but she made me feel better. Well I stopped crying eventually.
I started to put everything back where it belongs in the living room and it is not quite finished, but I am tired and am going to bed. He already thinks I don't do anything. I took a step so maybe the next one won't be as hard. The path in front of me looks so long and dark. Hopefully I will see the light soon.
So he wakes up and comes down stairs. Then he does his sidewards glance at the mess and rolls his eyes while shaking his head. I simply ask if he can help me move the couch. Now the words come. He liked the couch were it was, look at this mess, I don't do anything, I am fat and lazy. Since I don't work I should be cleaning the house all day. I know I could work around the house more, but in all fairness I do at least 500% more than I used to. I am not going to be Debbie Homemaker overnight. But it is not good enough for him.
Bonus, he has this hangup about bandaids. If they get used too fast he gets upset. I have been using them, they fall off I replace them. Well, today he quizzes me on my bandaid usage. He actually wanted me to account for my bandaid usage. I balked and refused to justify my use of bandaids. I am a grown up and if I want to use a band aid I will!!!
So I go upstairs while he is moving the couch. (I only wanted it moved about 1-2 feet, but turned a little too.) My daughter and I are upstairs she is watching tv and I am reading my book. Then I look at the clock, it is 15 minutes before he leaves for work. What happened to dinner? I go down stairs to find out and the couch is not moved. One thing I ask and he didn't do it.
Now I am mad and so is he, he tells me I am going to be kicked out of the house, bye bye. I was so glad when he finally left for work. I was in tears. My son came up to me and gave me a big hug, I couldn't hide my tears from him. I had to do something so I did.
I called the landlord (my Mother-in-law) to find out where I stand if we separate. To my relief she will work with us to make sure no one ends up on the street. Ideally if I had a job and could show her I could pay the rent she would consider letting me and the kids stay. Bottom line we have to make this as bearable as possible for the kids. I wish I had the money to buy the house outright. But at least I know I have a home and will not be kicked out.
I opened up to her about what was happening with us. She had no idea of course. I don't know how long I was on the phone with her, but she made me feel better. Well I stopped crying eventually.
I started to put everything back where it belongs in the living room and it is not quite finished, but I am tired and am going to bed. He already thinks I don't do anything. I took a step so maybe the next one won't be as hard. The path in front of me looks so long and dark. Hopefully I will see the light soon.
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