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Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thanksgiving 2010

I am student teaching this year and was thrilled when I saw my school had Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off this year. Five glorious days of no lesson plans. Looking back now I think that teaching might have been okay. My Thanksgiving Break has been blur of excitement, chaos, and a bit of disaster thrown in to keep us on our toes, maybe off of them now that I think of it.

I got home from school on Tuesday full of anticipation. My mom had volunteered my house for Thanksgiving this year. True I have a dining room now, but my house is a bit on the small side. It was just my family, my brother's family and my Grandma so I thought it was manageable.

Well, then I found out that my Aunt and Uncle were going to be her. Okay, two more people, I think I can still manage, they volunteered to bring Apple Pie and Sweet Potatoes. Less work for me! Then when my brother was over baking pies for Thanksgiving my cousin from Chicago called to say he and his wife would be in the area. Could they stop by? Of course I said yes, I haven't seen them in years.

Oh, I need to back up a bit, back to Tuesday. Two hours after I got home from teaching I started to get sick. Not just a little cold, I had aches, a head ache, sore throat, sneezing and coughing. Of course I would wait until I was off of school to get sick. I managed to be social when my brother was over baking, but then I crawled into a box and hid from the world. When the kids went to bed that night I too went to bed hoping that I would be better for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Day is the day we eat with my husbands family. I was miserable. I decided not to go to dinner, not wanting to get anyone else sick. My husband offered to bring me a plate of leftovers and I crawled back into bed. When I woke up, they had just come back, but they forgot the leftovers. So no turkey for me on Thanksgiving.

Friday I woke up feeling much better. This was the day the family descended on my house for our Thanksgiving dinner. It has been a long tradition to have a Friday Thanksgiving to help families not have to fit two dinners into one day. The house was almost ready and I ventured out to the store to get the ingredients for the dishes I was making. It is much easier grocery shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. All the crowds are in the Malls or Department stores and the grocery store is nice and quiet.

My husband was grumpy, how dare I get "shmoed" into hosting Thanksgiving. What was I thinking? Then he found out I was cooking food and he went ballistic. I don't know why it didn't occur to him that I was cooking. I told him what I was making Brussels Sprouts and Oyster Stuffing. Did he think they were just going to materialize at the table? So I am dealing with Grumpy and I trying not to get mad. I know he is looking for an excise to leave the house, like he does before any party we have. That way he doesn't have to do any final prep work. He will deny it, but we have had four events at the new house and he has waled out of the prep work for three of them.

People start to arrive and I am still cooking. My cousins from out of town actually come at the time they are told, unlike the rest of my family who will come an hour later. So of course I am still cooking. I turn the oven on to keep my Brussels Sprouts with Apples warm and soon smoke starts filing the house. The pies that my brother made overflowed and there was ick on the bottom of my stove that was burning. It was bad, people had to leave the house.

Somehow I managed to get it all done just in time for dinner. My Father and Grandmother got into the house, they have a hard time walking and going up stairs. We managed to get enough chairs and table space in the house. Dinner was served. I did have to make more rolls mid meal and we ran out of dark meat, of course because that is my favorite. We started to chat and laugh and then there was a knock at the front door.

We all were there and I never use the front door. We all stopped talking (if yo knew my family that alone is an accomplishment) and I got up to open the door. I was surprised to find another cousin, his wife and baby daughter at my door. They had come all the way from Pennsylvania and surprised us all. His parents were with us and they too had no idea that they were coming. Grandma would be able to meet her great grand-daughter finally.

The whole meal and conversation afterwards took less than five hours. A new generation of cousins met and played together for the first time. My daughter and my cousins daughter discovered a tickling game and that entertained them for quite a long time while the grown ups caught up with each other. Then just a suddenly as it began the house was empty once again. I had survived hosting my first Thanksgiving Dinner.

I went to bed that night exhausted and announced that I would be sleeping in the next morning. I love when I can sleep in and since my husband was home I knew I could. It was a nice calm relaxing night and then in the morning the phone rang. I looked at caller ID and saw it was mom. I assumed she was arranging to pick up the TV tables and chairs that she had brought over. I was wrong!

She was frantic and I knew something bad had happened. My father had fallen in the kitchen and probably broke his leg. She needed someone to come over to help them. I ran down stairs and dragged my husband out of the shower. I knew he would be able to help pick my father up. He quickly got dressed and got over to my parents house.

It was more than the two could safely do. They ended up calling 911. My mom said it was like a parade of fire fighters, paramedics, and police in the house. She stopped counting at twelve. They took him to the VA hospital and my husband came home.

It turns out that my dad fell and twisted his leg under him as he fell. He broke both bones below the knee and one of the breaks is five inches long diagonally across the bone length wise. He will be in the hospital for at least 10 days and as of right now he might need surgery to hold the bones together.

That night we set up our Christmas Tree and the children decorated it. We topped it with a santa hat and reminisced about our blur of a holiday. Everyone says they are looking forward to me hosting it again next year. I just hope that we all stay in once piece next year.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I Am Not The Only Reason

According to him I have started every argument we have had and I am the one at fault or all our problems. When I speak back to him what he says to me he says I am putting words into his mouth. I admit I rephrase it. When he says I start every argument, to me that says he doesn't start any of them. Obviously he thinks he is not at fault for any of our problems. I know I am not perfect. I definitely have started many of our fights, but absolutely not all of them. I try to point out to him that logically I can't start all the fights. He just can't see it.

I get so frustrated and feel defeated. He hardly ever apologizes for being a jerk, because in his mind he has done nothing wrong. When I do get the rare apology, he will point out that he did say he is sorry and that I still am upset so why should he apologize if I still am upset.

My patience has been worn down to almost nothing and with each passing week, month and year I feel like am closer to snapping. I never know when he is going to be irrational.

If you believe him, he never raises his voice or yells. He never starts an argument and he never makes a mess.

He thinks it is okay to hang up on me when he doesn't want to hear what I am saying when we are on the phone. Sometimes he doesn't even have the phone up to his ear when we are talking because he doesn't want to listen to me. He has even told me that if he thinks I am saying something that doesn't interest him that he just tunes me out. Then when I ask him if he heard me he gets upset.

He also gives me no indication to let me know if he heard me. There is no eye contact and not even a nod of acknowledgment. When I ask him to reply or ask if he heard me (remember he says he tunes me out) he raises his voice (because he NEVER yells). I can look right at him and see that his mouth doesn't move, there is no sound and his head doesn't move. He then will swear he answered me out loud or nodded his head to answer.

I guess I just wanted to vent tonight. We had an argument earlier and he again told me that I am always to the one to start the fights, but when I said he wasn't perfect he replied that he didn't say that. Well that is how I interpret it when he says he never starts to arguments or yells.

I just have to remind myself that I am not the only one at fault in this marriage. I am not perfect, I know I can be difficult to live with, but I am not the only reason this marriage is failing. However I do believe I was the only one trying to save it.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

What I Found in the Car

Last night we had a fight and my husband stayed out all night. He thought I had kicked him out. In truth I did ask him to leave, but it was so we could cool down. I discovered he was gone all night when my daughter woke up from a bad dream. But do I really care anymore?

I decided to have a talk with him today. He is more often than not, grumpy, moody, and withdrawn from all of us. He will focus on hockey, but not what is happening around him. When he does interact with us, it mostly is because he is mad. He will yell or raise his voice with out any warning sometimes. He swears and calls me horrible names. Names that if his sister's fiance called her he would be furious.

So I discussed it with him and it really boiled down to he is worried about money. To the point that he is almost obsessing over it. Because I am not as worried as he is he sees that as a weakness. so we talked and we argued a little, but it was productive I thought. Well, that was until I went to the store.

I went to one of the stores that makes you put a quarter in the shopping cart to use it. And all the change in the car had vanished. So I started going through the car and I found a condom. Yes a condom. We don't use them so I can think of no reason for one to be in my car that is legitimate. I am not stupid I know what it is there for.

I have caught him writing love letters to another woman, I caught him using Craigslist to try to find someone else to have sex with and now I find a condom in our car. Why do I keep giving him chances?

When I got home I sent the kids upstairs to watch TV and closed the door. I asked my husband if there was anything in the car he didn't want me to find. No nothing he says. So I show him the condom. He said that he bought it because he thought I kicked him out of the house. Really, that was not even a full day ago.

I told him that there are no more chances. He needs to focus on the family and his behavior. He has to stop spitting, throwing things, swearing in front of the kids, calling me names, and stop the sexcapades. If they don't stop he has to move. I am not uprooting the kids because of his poor decisions. I don't care who the landlord is. I am almost to the point where I can start earning money. I get my degree in the beginning of January.

I don't trust him and I don't think he can change. I hope he can, but I have serious doubts. Come 2011 I may be a single mom and that scares me.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Flyer that Started it All

I never know what will set him off. Sometimes it is so random that I am amazed how such a trivial thing can escalate into a huge battle. Tonight was one of those times. This was my last week at my first student teaching placement and I neglected the house somewhat. It is nowhere near as bad as it once was but it is cluttered. So this evening I spent some time cleaning, starting with our room. I do a lot of lesson prep up there and many things get scattered around. Someday I will get that desk chair so I can utilize my desk.

I straightened up the room, he did some laundry. Everything was going smoothly until I sat down to watch Hell's Kitchen. It probably started when I told him there was only one episode on our DVR list and I didn't know if that was the one he saw. Why this made him raise his voice to me I don't know? He explains to me rather loudly that he watched an episode without me and what was the last episode I saw. We get louder as I try to say I don't recall what happened and why can't we just look at the episode we have recorded instead of arguing. I am using my teacher voice because I am trying not to escalate this any further. He goes upstairs to get our daughter to go to sleep.

Finally he comes down and this is the episode he saw, so I have to watch it to catch up. No worries. I start to watch it and he starts to clean in the living room. I see he is about to throw away items from the kids school folders that they brought home today. Things I separated out to review this weekend. SO I ask him not to throw away a flyer. It is for the kids Halloween party at school and the kids really want to go. Tickets are just $2.00 each for the kids. We can do that I thought so I set the form aside to fill in and send in with money on Monday.

Okay true I didn't discuss it with him, but he will be going to work at the same time the event is and it is not a lot of money. Plus I have the car at night so there should be no problem. I was wrong!

He gets mad that I want to save the flyer. I am going to fill our house with useless paper and I save too much clutter. So and so keeps a neater house than we do and why can't we do that? Plus, he continues, we can't afford the money for the party and I just let the kids do whatever they want. So I take a deep breath and try not to react to the bait. Then I notice him not looking at what he is throwing away and again it is something I wanted to save. So of course I say something and he flips out.

Granted I could have put them in a better spot, but he also could have looked at what the paper was and maybe read it. He could have asked if I wanted it. In fact he actually asked me "How am I supposed to know you want to save the paper, it looks like garbage to me." I suggested he ask. That was not the answer he wanted and he screams that then it would take ten years to clean.

I know he doesn't like to read, but sometimes it is amazing what he won't read. When asked to pass a specific salad dressing once he asked which one was that dressing. We all responded that maybe he should read the bottle. It just doesn't occur to him to read the label, or read the words on a piece of paper to see if it important. I worry that our children will pick up that habit.

He has stormed out of the house again. I try not to engage in the fight that I know is about to happen, sometimes it is like a tidal wave, it just can't be avoided. Luckily my tactics to avoid his bait sometimes do work and some arguments have been avoided. Still I can't help but think that he purposely tries to start these arguments. He yells so much, and so quickly that it almost is like his normal speaking voice now. Now the kids are yelling more and I know they are getting it from us. I have mentioned that to him and he just tells me to shut up. He won't believe anyone that children learn what they live.

I did rescue the flyer and I will send it in with the $4.00 that according to him will break the bank. I guess I will have to give up a couple pops this week because he won't give up his Tim Hortons every night. Halloween is a magical time of the year and I will do all I can so my children can enjoy it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Going to the Farm and My Last Day

Today is a great day and a sad day. I have been student teaching in a kindergarten class for seven weeks. I started the year with these children and have gotten attached to them. I have helped them learn to read and write. We made butter, planted seeds and learned all about apples and farms.

But today was my las day with them. My placement had to end, I knew it was coming but it seemed so far away. I was greeted with hugs this morning and was showered in drawings and handwritten cards. We all kept our coats on and we waited for the bus. Yes, the bus, because today was our fall field trip. We were going to the farm.

The bus ride was a half hour long and was filled with the sound of children's chatter. Excitement was in the air. Faces looked out the windows and there were questions about what was waiting for them at the farm. Finally the farm appeared on the left and cheers were heard. Somehow order was established and we all got off the bus. We saw the ponies, a rabbit in a barn and a lot of pumpkins.

We first saw an angora rabbit. We surrounded an angora rabbit that was sitting so still, you almost wondered if it was real. The tour guide showed us how the wool angora could be gently plucked from Cotton Candy. The rabbit just sat there and didn't flinch when all the thrilled children got to touch her. When we moved on the rabbit finally moved, she turned around to face the class. Maybe she has had experience with young children before and wanted to keep an eye on them.

The tour continued and we saw a miniature donkey, miniature horses, turkeys, fancy chickens, ducks and pigs. Then we saw a three week old calf prancing around. She wanted her bottle and then decided to play. In the next room of the barn we saw sheep and goats. One of the goats was ready to be milked.

She was so patient while all the children lined up to milk her. They were unsure, but as soon as they squeezed her teats their faces lit up. Earlier this week we made butter from cream and learned about how cows were milked on a dairy farm. Today they made the connection between that and this goat. They were amazed by how warm her skin felt and how the milk came out in a stream.

We went on a hay ride, and it was real hay, earlier we learned the difference between hay and straw and all the children confirmed that it was really hay that they were sitting on. The air was cold as we travelled through the fields. I had to put my gloves on. Soon we saw the pumpkin patch. It looked like a field of dirt with scattered orange balls all over.

Finally we stopped and the children were off to pick their pumpkins. I even picked one.

It wan't as orange as the others but it caught my eye and called to me. It was then that one of my students ran up to me showing me what he found. In the middle of this pumpkin patch full of dying vines and scattered pumpkins he found one small green one with a caterpillar on it. He reluctantly let the caterpillar go back into the pumpkin patch.

The children rode the ponies and pumped water with hand pumps to race ducks down PVC pipes. Then we ate lunch and back to school we went. The motion of the bus combined with the fresh air from the farm lulled some to sleep and seemed to calm down the rest. The field trip was over and my day was almost done.

We talked about our favorite memories of the farm, I liked milking the goat the best and so did a couple other of my friends. Finally the day was done and I had to say good-bye to all these children that I have brought into my heart. Tears filled my eyes as I called them into line by bus numbers. We sang "We All Had a Happy Day" one last time and into the hallway we went. I led them to the school door for the last time ever and we slowed the line down as each one gave me a hug. Some children even gave me two.

I watched them walk away and knew that as they grew part of me would always be with them. I helped build their foundation that all learning will be built on. I wondered what they would become when they grow up and tears finally came. I didn't write a morning message before I left. I had to walk away and trust that I was a positive influence on my students.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Dirty Jobs Birthday Wars

The party was fantastic, the children had a blast and really got into the "Dirty" part of Dirty Jobs. We made butter and goop. They dug in slime and planted grass in the dirt. It was messy but fun. The disaster was getting ready for the party and cleaning up.

I cleaned the living room last night. I went to bed thinking it would be not to difficult getting the rest of the house ready. I should have known better.

I woke up to yelling and screaming. Father and son were at it again. The door to upstairs opens up and both start yelling at me about what is going on. Seriously, why am I the one who has to sort everything out. Sadly once again I see that my husband is being unreasonable and my son is struggling because of it.

Then I look and the living room I had all clean last night is a disaster. My husband just shrugs when I ask what happened and disappears into the kitchen. He announces that he is cleaning the kitchen, I guess I get the rest of the house. So I start cleaning.

I have heard that some husbands will assist their wives lifting heavy things or doing things that might take an extra set of hands. To me that is a fable or possibly a myth. If I ask for help I am called inept and chastised for it. Well, I need help so I brace myself for the slew of insults to follow. As I am being screamed at for all my faults I realize that he is hand washing individual dished, drying each one ever so carefully opening the cupboard, putting it away in the cupboard and then closes it. He repeats this process for every dish. Did I mention the dishwasher was empty and right next to him. Apparently he felt we didn't have time to fill the dishwasher.

So of course I mention this to him and the fireworks begin. The result is him running out of the house two hours before a birthday party. The kitchen, dining room and living room all need to be straightened up plus vacuuming. But because I mentioned that there was a faster way to get the kitchen ready he had a hissy fit and ran away. Just like he does whenever we have something to do that he wants to get out of doing. He stages a way to get me upset, I snap and he leaves.

So now I have a party to prepare for and two children to watch. My son vacuumed and gasp something bad happens to the vacuum. I swear I am going to be a quivering mass just giggling to myself when the guests arrive. Somehow I manage to recover, but the upstairs is a disaster because I can't be on two floors of the house at once. Oh and my landlord is coming tomorrow (on my birthday) to inspect the house to make sure it is tidy enough for her.

My husband comes home with the cake and ice cream he fixes the vacuums and we manage to get everything set up as the first guest arrives. I have 6 eight and nine year olds with a five year old thrown in for fun. Corn starch is flying, dirt spills, butter is launched into the neighbor's yard. I did manage to stay sane. My son is so overwhelmed from all the action at his party that he hides in the garage and his friends can't find him.

The party is over and the last guest didn't want to leave. I give him credit he offered to help clean up, I just wanted him to go home though. I am putting tables away, cleaning up spilt, dirt, corn starch and butter. I go inside to flop on the couch, I just want to relax. No such luck though. My son and daughter are arguing over which goop is who's. It sounds like WW III and of course I am in no mood. Before I even find out what has happened goop is launched in the basement and the storage container is broken. Where is my husband? Oh he is in the shower, he has a bachelor party to go to.

Now on to that subject. The birthday party is over at 6 pm and the bachelor party starts at 7 pm. I knew the other party was tonight. So I have an overwhelmed child with asperger's, I have a party guest that didn't want to leave, I cleaned up all the outside mess (remember it was a dirty jobs party so there was a MESS!) I sat down, I didn't even remember when I sat down before the party, It might have been when I woke up. My husband comes out of the shower and announces there is a frosting mess on the floor of the kitchen.

Silly me I asked him to take care of it. Well, that started a whole new battle. He announces that he has an obligation to go to his future brother in laws bachelor party. I shouldn't have planned a party for the same day as that sacred event. I am called inept again because I wanted him to clean up the green frosting that he discovered on the floor. He needs to go because the world will end if he is late.

Somehow I managed to get both kids washed, green food dye does eventually wash off skin and teeth. The grandparents are about to stop over and hopefully they will have a phillips head screw driver so we can put batteries in the new toys. I am finally sitting on the couch and have an evening away from my husband. I might even get to watch some TV. I am sure a whole new war will be fought tomorrow. After all it will be my birthday.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

And It Begins Again - Did it ever stop?

Here I am in a new house, almost done getting my degree and still daydream about getting out of this marriage. I am so close to being able to get a job that I want to stick it out. But everyday it gets harder to do that. Do I walk out with the kids and my stuff with nowhere to go?

This week I got my student loan check. I had already decided to buy clothes for teaching, a new laptop, and basic teaching supplies. The check was made out to me and I reluctantly deposited into our account. Not because I was worried he would take it and spend it. No, because I was going to spend it and he was going to get upset with me. I was right to worry.

I did buy a few outfits before the check cleared, but We had the money in the account to cover it and I knew the check would clear quickly. There was only one skirt left in my size and I knew if I waited the extra two days it would be gone. Of course he went ballistic on my and screamed about how I was too impatient and was dumb for buying it. Then he started accusing me of overdrawing the checking account because he just knew I would do it and then he would laugh.

We had a funeral to go to on Sunday. On the way there he again yelled at me for spending money that I hadn't even spent yet. Plus it is my money. He knew I was going to buy things for teaching and that I would be using the money. Then of course he starts suggesting things I should spend the money on. When I mention I want to replace some of the kids toys that got lost during our move he got upset again. But he still pushed for the Abraham Lincoln costume for him to wear at his sister's wedding for a two minute gag.

The kids have been asking for new toys for months now and he won't let me use his paycheck to buy them toys. So I said I would spend some of my money on them. This was settled months ago. The kids have been so patient and when the check came in and cleared I was ready to take them to the store. Wait stop, my husband wanted coffee and donuts from Tim Hortons so he needed to get them. He had a hissy fit when I said I was taking the kids shopping.

When we got back he was more upset. Again he accused me of overdrawing the checking account when we were no where close.

To be clear our account has been overdrawn, and I am always yelled at for causing it. Usually because I bought something tell him how much I spent and he forgets. Or he might buy something but if I bought anything even if it was his purchase that overdrew us it was my fault because if I didn't buy what I did the money would have been there. It could be anything, food, books, medicine. It doesn't matter. It I spend money and the bank is over drawn, even if his spending caused the overdraft, it is in his mind always my fault. When I don't spend money and it happens the bank confuses him by rearranging the transactions. There is always someone else to blame. I am not saying that I have never made a mistake, I just don't always make them.

So now he wants me to buy Christmas gifts, actually that is a great idea and I do. Through and am having them shipped to a different house so the kids don't find them. I am actually almost done Christmas shopping. Today he flips out because I used the card to make the purchases and what did I buy, it is probably something stupid and I am so careless and am going to make the account bounce. He is screaming at me because Amazon splits the payment up by shipments. So if I place one order but there are five shipments from that order that is five transactions. Again this is somehow my fault.

The place I bought the computer from does the same thing. He yells at me because I didn't go to the store and pay cash. I didn't go to the store because I didn't want to go to the mall where I might spend more money. Plus I don;t want to carry that much cash around.

He is a cash only person and the bank confuses him when they post purchases. I start with a number and subtract what we use from that number. I don't check the bank 5 times a day because I know things move around and don't want to get confused. My way is wrong and his is the only way in his mind. When an error occurs it is ALWAYS my fault in his eyes.

He is actually mad at me tonight because I am spending my money on exactly what I said I was going to spend it on. I am, he says, being careless because I don;t know how much money is in the bank. I do know how much we started with and how much we used, nut that doesn't matter because I don;t know the amount the bank says we have right now. Therefore I am going to overdraw the account.

He is calling me names like dumb and stupid in front of the kids, he won't watch what he says around them and he is mean. I am tired of being with someone who sucks all the life and fun out of me. We have mentioned separating but only in arguments. Though I know it is coming to that. He says he won't fight me for custody, but I have a feeling his mother will push him to try to keep them from me.

Maybe instead of buying a few more outfits I will see a lawyer. I hate that it is coming to this. With all the stress of student teaching on top of going to school (yes I still have papers to turn in every week) and writing lesson plans this is the last thing I need right now.

Yesterday I had to go home from school because I was sick. I slept all day and feel 100% better. Of course he thinks I am lazy because I slept all day. I keep the house clean as best I can, but it is never good enough. I cook when I can, but it isn't what he wants.

I wanted pizza for dinner tonight, I asked him if he could pick up the pizza or if I should have it delivered. He thought about and said he would pick it up. He had taken the kids to Bounce Magic. I stayed home and worked on some lesson plans and chores. He drops the kids off, picks up the pizza and comes home swearing because I was selfish. I made him take the kids to Bounce Magic because it was a rainy day and I told the kids in the summer we could only go to bounce magic on rainy days when we had the money.

So it was rainy and before I come home from teaching the kids ask him if they can go. I have things to do so I can't go. Somehow I "Shmoed" him into taking the kids when I knew he had to go to work tonight and should have taken them. All I said was it was up to him because I couldn't go. Then when he decides to go the kids hid on him and he wasted time getting them out of there. Add to that the pizza I made him pick up for me and he was mad and screaming at me. Of course he was late getting ready for work and didn't have a lunch (I got a pizza thinking he would take some to work, but he didn't want it so he would go hungry). Remember I discussed all of this with him either before he left of called him to see what he wanted to do. Things started out because he said it was okay but then when he was running late it was my fault because I should have taken the kids to Bounce Magic and I was lying about prep work for school tomorrow.

I have tried to reconnect with him. I asked him to do one thing for me, woo me. Make me feel that he loves me. Show me some romance. But because I asked him to do that I am being unreasonable and forcing him to jump through hoops. So now I think he won;t do it at all because I asked him to do it.

I don't know why I am having such a hard time walking away. Maybe because I feel I failed. I don;t want to separate the children from their father, but I can't stand the way he talks to them. I know the best thing is to separate from him and get a divorce. I just don't know how to get from here to there.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Worse Day of His Life

The day started early. I woke up to THUMP, THUMP, THUMP. I sleepily looked at the clock and knew it was my son. Most days this summer he has been sleeping in. Since I don't do mornings well I have been a happy mommy because of that. However, there are mornings here and there that he is up earlier than I would like. So I get out of bed and go down stairs.

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP. It gets louder as I go down through B's room and down the stairs. When I open the door I see P playing soccer in the living room. So I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the day. I know it is going to be "One Of Those Days". On his good days he will wake me up in the morning and will follow the rules better. Not that we have a no playing soccer in the living room, but we have similar ones. At least he is in the house I think to myself. There have been times I have woken up to a pajama clad boy playing in the yard.

It wasn't so bad until he started to get hurt over and over again. Oh I felt bad for him, but I have to admit that I was getting aggravated. Not because he was getting hurt. But when he gets hurt he screams like he broke a bone, or has a major ambulance calling injury. I have been saying for a while now that one of these days he is going to get really hurt and I won't know it because he reacts to a paper cut, stubbed toe, bleeding cut or whatever the same way.

So this morning he must have hurt himself a dozen times. I kept checking on him and soothing him, but I have to admit after about six injuries in an hour I was reacting a little slower and started to assume he wasn't really getting hurt that badly. Now the morning stretched on and my daughter was awake. We were getting ready to go to the Mushroom Pool with some friends. We can't find his bathing suit and I am aggravated.

I don't know how it happened, I was in a different room. All of a sudden I hear him scream again. "OW, OW, OW!!!!" I was mad now, I assumed he wasn't really hurt, like the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" and I yelled. Then I find out he ran into the edge of a door and has a bump on his head. Now I felt like the worse mommy ever. I assumed he wasn't really hurt, I yelled at him and I made him wait for my attention.

I am going to have to attend to his injuries like they are bad ones. Luckily today it wasn't too serious. His eyes were normal, he wasn't nauseous and didn't throw up after the bump. But he does have a goose egg on his head. I know it is the Asperger's that causes him to over react to small injuries. But I am the Mommy and I need to be there for him large or small injuries.

The rest of the day was not much better for him, he still kept getting hurt. And of course I ran to him every time now. He didn't like the mushroom pool (look at his face in the photo, he is not a happy boy.) Things he wanted to do couldn't be done. Places he wanted to go to were stayed away from. He didn't like any of the snack choices we had. The usual "There is nothing to play with and nothing to do!"

As we watched Molly the Barn Owl (Link to her web cam in the title) at bedtime, which is our new routine, he hugged me and announce that today was the worse day of his life.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I Don't Know if I Can Make It

I am so done, How do I get out?

He keeps swearing and spitting and is starting to throw things again. The names he calls me in front of the kids are horrible. This move however is the last straw. His mother is taking over and he is just letting it happen.

Yes, my house was a mess, I don't deny that. It took a long time to get that way, Guess what it is going to take some time to clean it. I stayed in one room and he stayed in another for over a year. Things piled up, but it wasn't all me. He also contributed to the mess. He also let it build up. He also hid it from the world. Why am I the only one that is getting flack for it?

We were supposed to be out on June 30th. Funny with classes, finals, summer school, not having any help except a couple hours from my brother we couldn't get everything out. I asked for an extra week, I knew it wouldn't be enough time, but I thought it would help. It might have if I wasn't the only one who was trying to get things moved out of that house.

D is happy being in a house with no books for the kids to read. He is mad that I brought over the few books that I did. Yes, I had a lot of books, way over a few hundred. We, the kids and I, D stopped reading to the kids years ago. They are too old for that he says. He actually is annoyed when the kids want him to read to them. Anyway we read them all, many more than once. There is no such thing as too many books to me. To him apparently there is, and we have too many.

He is happy with hardly any toys for the kids to play with. I have tried to get the toys boxes moved over to this house. He won't do it. Our car trunk won't open (he broke the opener latch and the key won't work) so I really can't move them on my own. He won't ask for help because the house is too messy. So we really have just the basics here.

How basic? When I bought a pitcher for $1.00 because we had nothing here to make Kool-Aid in he got mad at me because it was an unnecessary purchase. Oh yeah, I am not allowed to carry cash. Well, he won't give me any, I will go to the bank if I need it. Then I have to explain why I needed money. I use the bank card, which he cannot keep track of, and he berates me for using it. When I actually had "my own" money he still got mad at me for buying things because he thought the purchase was stupid. If I wanted jewelry, I had to buy it and then I have to explain why I wanted it.

He knows about these blogs I write and he hates them. Not because he thinks they are inaccurate. No, he is worried the wrong person will read them and he might lose his job. Well, if what I am writing, which is actually what he does, might cause him to lose his job, maybe he should stop doing them.

So we have been in this house for a month and his mother, our landlord inspects the house, fine I get it, I will do a better job, I won't let things pile up like I did before. I won't slip into a deep deppression where I don't even want to move for months. I have better meds now so I can stay on top of things better. But I am not going to be Suzy Homemaker. I am not going to be perfect. I am not going to be my MIL! So when you (my MIL) comes over to inspect the house, if there are two pop bottles in the basement don't tell me I am letting the house turn into a disaster. The last house yes it is/was a disaster. Two pop bottles is not even close.

Oh and I don't care if you are my MIL or my landlord. I am pretty sure the law still applies to you. I don't know a lot about law, but I do know a landlord cannot just throw away a tenants belongings without notice. I think it has to be in writing and I pretty sure that, "Well, you don't have a lot of time" is not acceptable notice. I also am pretty sure if you tell a tenant verbally that "you don't have a lot of time" to get their personal/loved/treasured items out of the house one hour is not going to be an acceptable length of time.

Fine you don't want to give us more time, I get it you are mad. But really one hour, if you had said I had one hour to get treasures out of the house I would have scrambled to get it done. Then the doll that was made for my mother when she was a child, the one with a wig made out of my mother's hair would be in my house instead of the dump. Then I wouldn't have to garbage pick my wedding ring and engagement ring off the curb. Then my crystal vase would not have been carelessly tossed in a garbage bag with my wedding bouquet. LOL, why am I so concerned with things from my wedding, maybe I should have let them go.

Oddly, D made sure his treasures were here. His hockey cards he found and brought over. Nothing of mine. If I try to get anything, he calls me a hoarder. And that is the nicest thing he calls me. This morning I spotted in the clear garbage bags outside the old house, photographs of my children, heirlooms and other items important to me. I could have torn open the bags and just took out the things I saw, but I grabbed the whole bag to sort through. I only managed to get maybe 10 bags out of the horribly large pile of bags left for trash.

He was livid when he saw the bags. He only saw the garbage. How dare I bring the bags into this house. It took me an hour of sorting, I only saved a few items from the bags. Most of it went back into the garbage. I know it seems like I could have gone to the old house before this explosion occurred but I found it hard to do so. If I left him in charge of the kids for a long time, he would watch tv and not hear anything they did. They would do something to set him off and then who knows what he would do. He threatens them a lot, When I am there I can diffuse it, I try to always be there as a buffer.

If I let him go to the old house alone, not a lot would be done, his items would be saved and anything else has no value to him so out it goes. So it is really no different either he tosses my life or his mother does. I let it go one week too long and she is angry and so What I interpret "Not much time" to mean and what she really means is a huge difference.

Here is the kicker. D comes home from work early in the morning, we are all asleep when he gets home. He drives by the old house. I asked him to stop in to get a few things if they were still here. I thick I asked for two paintings, a wall shelf, my books (maybe 30) from the bedroom, a hanging pot rack and if he happened to see something that might be important to me. I also suggested again that we bring P's desk, the toy boxes and a few toys for the kids. The kids have been asking for them. D got upset and again called me a hoarder. I want to much from the old house. The kids have too much already. (they each have very few toys here)

My MIL attacks me because of the pop bottles, he attacks me because I want some books and toys for my children. I have been planning on getting out after I get my degree, now I don't know. I might need to leave earlier. I wanted to be able to support my children. Do I dare leave when I am about to start student teach?

There is some good news. Our cat Simba came back. He has been MIA for a week. My MIL doesn't like the cat and I can't help but wonder if she had something to do with him being gone.

Well, my rambling is done, I feel better. Today is almost over and somehow I will get past all of this. I did manage to get some things back. The cornhusk doll I made is in my china cabinet along with a beautiful blue and white pitcher a treasured friend gave me. Some things I will never get back, luckily I still have my memories.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Our Reluctant Move

The last time we moved I was excited. We were getting out of a house I hated. In that house I had almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning. It was there that I broke my ankle falling down the stairs. It was a money pit. As soon as we completed a major repair, usually asking one of our sets of parents for the money, another huge repair was needed. In fact the day before we finally moved the pipe under the bathtub broke.

The neighborhood wasn't the best. In the few years I was there it went down hill. The elementary school at the end of the street closed. Businesses that had been there for years closed or moved. I didn't feel safe taking my baby for a walk around the block. There was a drive by shooting around the corner from us. We even had a level 3 sex offender living just 7 houses away from us.

When mom offered us a way to get out of there I did all I made sure we accepted it. It meant we had to live in a house my mother in law owned. Dennis wasn't thrilled about that, but for our child's sake (for back then we only had on child) we accepted. We got out of there and I was relieved.

Now almost 6 years later my mother in law anted us to move from a duplex to a single. She was not happy about the mess in our house. In fact neither was I. It has just become too much. I know it needs to be cleaned, I also know I have no idea how to get it done. I have become a hoarder. I am embarrassed by it and afraid because I don't know how to fix it.

So here I am moving out of one house, that has become a disaster, into another new start for us. This house has writing all over the walls, no matter how we punish the children they still managed to cover the walls with scribbles. I gave up trying to remove it al. I always assumed I would just paint over it all. In fact I had even planned to do just that this summer.

The house I am in now is just a huge fail for me. Was it the crippling depression I suffered last year that was my breaking point? I don't know, but somehow I just stopped in this house. I crawled into bed and gave up. I hide in my room and avoid all I can.

In the last year I have gone through therapy, I went back to school to get trained for a job I always wanted but never let myself pursue. I faced my fears and usually won.

So now we have a final chance, move to a new house and start again. My MIL is amazing, how many other's would keep on helping, even when it looks like all will fail? So I am determined to make this work. I am trying to make this move be out last. I am going to make this house be my priority along with my family.

The house is around the corner from us. We can actually walk everything over to it, though I am hoping to move many things in one major trip. But I am approaching this move different from the last.

We are painting before we move in. When we moved into this house we moved in on the first day we could and it was chaos. We did nothing really to help make this house our own. Nothing new, no painting the walls, no real thought about what were bringing and what we didn't really need.

So we are slowly moving things into this new house, we are painting, to make it ours. We are making sure the furniture works in the house and we are getting a few new things to finish it off. The kids are being a lot of help and are helping us stay focused. We want them to invite their friends over and not be embarrassed to bring them inside.

We really didn't want to move, we never would have suggested it. The timing was awful, right at the end of the semester, and all I could think was that I wanted no part of it. Now I am accepting it and I think I am even embarrassing it. I think I am in a better place to take care of the house. The move might have been reluctant, but it was necessary I think.

Mother's Day 2010

I don't know why it has taken me so long to write about Mother's Day this year. Yet I did. This year I took charge of my Mother's Day. Usually my children go all out for mother's day. I get drawings, gifts from the Dollar Store. I love that they go the extra mile for Mother's Day. It is the complete indifference my husband shows that gets to me every year.

Now I have to say that I don't expect him to get me a gift, after all I am not his mother. However I believe he should guide the children in what they want to do for me on Mother's Day. Maybe take me someplace nice to eat, or encourage them to make me a nice craft that I will treasure for years to come. I even tell him specific ideas because I know he not the most creative person.

Yet every year I get a couple cards that he has taken the children to buy, usually on the morning of Mother's Day. I love the cards and I save them.

I also make a big deal about Mother's Day for my mom. I make sure to take my time picking out a card for her. I look for meaning and love watching her reaction when she opens it up and reads it. I hunt for the perfect gift. Not an expensive gift, but one I know my mom will appreciate. And every year I get flack from my husband because I spend money, too much money, on my mom every year.

He tends to take a low key approach to Mother's Day with his mom. I don't even know if he called her this year to even say "Happy Mother's Day" to her. I asked once just before he left from work and he said he hadn't yet. He says he never really celebrated the day with his mom as he grew up. I always did. The day meant a lot to me even before I was a mom.

So this year I took charge and made the day my own. I got an email about The Melting Pot having a special Mother's Day menu. I always wanted to eat there and never could convince Dennis to take me. Bonus, the price for the kids meals was so cheap and we just got our tax refund so I know we could afford it. I called and made reservations for our family and my parents too.

The morning of Mother's Day I got some fabulous gifts from my children. Poems and drawings created in school, hugs and kisses and lots of love. Perfect, I had a great start to the day. Then I got the usual cards, bought that morning of course. Though this year they were not signed. He couldn't even be bothered this year to get the kids to sign the cards. He didn't even sign the one he gave me.

He, of course complained about the money I was spending on dinner, though he didn't over complain to the point of an argument. This is the first year we didn't get into a fight on Mother's Day I think. He though a fondu meal was in his words "Stupid". Though he didn't harp on that either. For that I was happy.

The kids loved the meal. They loved the different types of fondus and thought cooking the food themselves was awesome I think my parents enjoyed it to. They were a bit apprehensive about the meal because it was a fondu meal. I had a blast. I loved watching the kids. I loved spending time with my family and my parents. It was perfect. We had a new experience and we had a fantastic Mother's day.

It wasn't because of the gifts or the cards, but because we were together and had fun. Next year I will have to remember to take charge again. I might not be able to afford the Melting Pot then, but I am sure I can find something that is just as much fun for us to do together as a family.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

He Smeared Ketchup in his Hair (AKA why I am going to snap)

If you ever see me aimlessly walking around muttering to myself "I love my son, I love my son" over and over again this is why.

Tonight the kids were playing nicely, I was so proud of them. P had discovered a way to make music with two metal poles and dragging them on the sidewalk. It really did sound nice and there was a specific musical pattern to how he was doing it. I wished I had a video camera to record it. B was dancing to it and it was lovely.

Then bedtime rolled around.

P took a shower and somehow remembered to use shampoo, I have to check because he doesn't always remember to use soap and shampoo in the shower. He remembered tonight and I was pleased. I thought it was going to be a nice easy bedtime. I was wrong.

After many prompts from me he finally got pajamas on and then I smelled ketchup. I catch him running in the bathroom and see red. I mean on his body, not me getting mad. I literally saw red. He had smeared ketchup all over his chest and I caught him smearing it into his hair as he ran into the bathroom. He wasn't going to wash it off, he just wanted to look in the mirror.

My son was literally covered in ketchup. I don't understand his obsession with food and making messes. Why would anyone want to cover themselves in ketchup? I know his brain works differently than mine because of the asperger's. This is something that I will never understand.

I admit it I snapped and screamed. He just got out of the shower and he had to get back in. He did get back into the shower quickly too.

I start to calm down and the shower turns off. I tell him that if I smell ketchup in his hair he will have to go back in. He says he used shampoo and steps out of the bathroom wearing soaking wet pajamas. He took the second shower wearing his pajamas. I lost it again. He got sent to bed without our usual bedtime routine. Then he had the nerve to ask me for a snack. It is a good thing I love him because I think that was the only thing that saved him tonight.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sugar Snow and the Forgetful Tooth Fairy

I have been reading from the "My First Little House Books" for the last month to my children at bedtime. I wanted to introduce them to Little House on the Prairie and the main books were still too much for them. These books were full of brilliant illustrations and really engaged my children. I didn't know how much until I read the book titled "Sugar Snow". P focused right on that book and had me read it over an over again.

The book was about making maple syrup from sap. Immediately P wanted to tap the maple tree in our backyard and make our own syrup. To get him off that track I started looking for places near us to go and see how it was done. Serendipity was with me and one of the moms in my mommy group posted about the Maple Weekend at the end of the month. It took some time and help from friends but I managed to find a maple farm relatively close to us.

This weekend was the when we decided to go, the morning started out a bit rocky though. Worse it was my fault. P lost a tooth yesterday and was so excited about the imminent Tooth Fairy visit. He put his tooth under his pillow and went to sleep with dreams of money in his head. He woke up from a bad dream and came into my room, he brought the tooth with him and put it under my pillow. I went to sleep and so did he, I never, opps I mean the tooth fairy never came.

He woke up and eagerly reached under his pillow expecting a dollar, he found his tooth still in the box he put it in. He sadly woke me up and had such a sad face and voice. "Mommy, why didn't the Tooth Fairy take my tooth. He was in tears. I asked if he checked in his room, and he ran into his room to check. I quickly put the money under the pillow hoping that if I tucked it in the corner maybe I could fix it.

He came back in my room so sad. I felt like the worse mommy ever. How could I forget to make the switch? I had completely blown it, I forgot about the missing tooth and broke my son's heart. I asked him to show me how he looked under the pillow and he showed me, but he didn't see the now present money under the pillow. I had to direct him to it. Now I had to think of a reason to explain why he still had the tooth. That actually wasn't even a concern for him after he was the dollar I had just hidden there.

He came up with several theory's about why he still had the tooth. I loved hearing him tell us all about it. The one he has latched onto is she forgot it and will back tonight get it and will of course leave him some more money. I think that might just happen, An extra dollar from the Tooth Fairy seems like a fair price to pay for being such a forgetful mommy.

So the morning was not the best start. Then the day didn't get much better. I couldn't find our camera, so I had to borrow my mom's camera. The directions I wrote down to get to the maple farm were wrong and we drove around for such a long time. Worse we were heading the right way by accident and I said we should turn around because my directions said something different. Finally we sucked it up and called the farm for directions.

We managed to get there before they shut down for the day. We met a turkey, and the kids got to pet him. They were surprised at how soft the feathers were. His head was a wrinkly and we touched it expecting it to be rough and cold, instead his head was soft and warm. Funny how you expect one thing from visual cues and prior knowledge and then it is so different from what you expect. I touched that poor turkeys head several times because it was so very different from what I expected. P too was fascinated by the turkey, B however was afraid of it. I can understand that too. It was a big bird, and when he fluffed up his feather's he looked even bigger.

We took a tractor ride to see where they tapped the trees. I was expecting buckets and found out they use tubing conencted to many trees and the sap flows into large containers. This tubing can stay in place for ten years, they just hve to change where they tap the tree every year. We heard about how the weather has to be cold at night and not too warm during the day. This was also discussed in the book P kept having me read over and over again. He even told the tractor driver all about the book.

Now B loved the furry animals. She pet the bunnies, guinea pigs, llamas and of course the pony. She didn't want to ride the pony and we didn't make he, but she sure loved to pet that pony. She would have brought the pony home with us had we let her.

So even with a rocky start I think the day ended up pretty good. P went right to bed as soon as we came home. That never happens. Usually he is in my room at least ten times trying to stay up as long as he can.

The Three Little Pigs

Last week my son was in a school play. He had joined an after school theater program. He was so excited when he came home from the first meeting. My son proudly announced to me that he was going to be in a school play in front of the whole school. Practice was once a week and finally one day a script came home.  P was playing Little Pig 1 in the Three Little Pigs.

The play was a bit different than the Three Little Pig story most of us know. The Big Bad Wolf in this story was trying to bake his grandma a cake and ran out of eggs. He went to the Little Pig's houses to borrow eggs. So basically it was a big misunderstanding. P's character was a little on the lazy side, and just built his house out of sticks to save time. Hmmm.

P and I practiced his lines every night. He knew them with no problems. I could feed him a line from anywhere in the play and he could recite his line from memory. I couldn't wait to see the play. I knew he would perform wonderfully. The day was getting closer and sadly I had a conflict.

I was asked to start observing in a classroom on the same morning as the play. I knew it would be bad form to call off for the first morning, even if it was to see my son perform in a play. I had to miss it. Luckily all his grandparents, Daddy and B went to the first performance and P was wonderful I hear.

All the characters read from the scripts, I was a little disappointed when I saw that. Why had we practiced for so long if they were going to use their scripts. In my heart I knew P didn't need it, even if he used it. I heard from multiple sources that P was loud enough for the audience to hear him with no problems. This made his grandparents very proud.

After the play he had a chance to mingle with the audience and he was thrilled to have so many family members there. My father shook his hand and told him that he was a wonderful actor.

It broke my heart that I couldn't be there to watch my son on stage. I am so proud of him.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Farewell My Friend

Saturday, January 31, 2010, a man I worked with for ten years and have been a friend of his it feels like forever passed away. In 2009 he was diagnosed with brain cancer and I think we all knew this day was coming. He was the director of the Whitworth Ferguson Planetarium at Buffalo State College and by far has been my favorite boss in all my jobs.

I sit down and think about all we have gone through. We went to Florida to view Halley's Comet, or as I called it Halley's Fuzzy Cotton Ball. I still remember his ray gun that he kept in his office desk drawer. I wonder how many times I was "shot" by that gun.

His favorite planetarium shows to do in my memory were the pre-school shows. He loved the children and had a great connection with them. He had a box of puppets that he used for this age group. If I recall there was a dog (for Canis Major) and a Bear (Big and Little Bear) but there was third one too. I can't remember what the third puppet was. I wonder if the puppets still are in that brown cardboard box tucked away behind the ring of seats that circled the room?

He and I worked on many special projects together. We were downtown one year for an Imagination Celebration. We had star-wheels that the children could assemble when they stopped at our table. It was a hot sunny day and we had so much fun working with the children and helping them build their own star-wheel so they could go home and identify the stars and constellations in the sky.

I truly believe it was through working with Art at the planetarium that I found my passion of working with children. He and I both loved to work one on one with the children who visited the planetarium and we would often volunteer to go out in the public to bring the love and joy of astronomy to them.

Art was there when I started my journey of teaching. I wish he could have seen me get my teaching degree. The last time I saw him he wrote me a wonderful letter of recommendation for my Masters of Elementary Education program. He was trilled that I had decided to go back to school and get my masters degree. He knew that working with children was my passion and he helped me get that acceptance letter last summer.

Farewell my friend. I thank you for all you have done for me over the past 25 years. I will think of you often as I teach and bring joy to faces of children in a planetarium. It is because of you that I am who I am today.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Its About Me

So what do you do when your worse suspicions come true? Those two to three hour mystery drives start to make sense. Mysterious out of the blue shaving before a trip to the grocery store is seen in a different light. The denials that anything happened still ring in my ear and the garbage that this is my fault is thrown back in the face of the man who uttered them.

This last year has been a whirlwind of destruction for me. I have worked to rebuild this crumbling marriage. I brushed the suspicions aside and accepted his differences and worked on my anger issues. I allowed him to be who he is and started reinventing myself. I am the only one who I can make change. It only took two years of courtship and twelve years of marriage to accept that.

All I ask for in return from him is a little romance. I want to be swept off my feet again. But then I see him falling asleep on the couch and eternally watching the hockey game, thanks to the NHL channel he can watch hockey 24/7 now. There is no summer free of hockey for me anymore.

He now is obsessed with curling. I know, curling!!! He had a countdown on facebook for weeks announcing when he was going to curl for the first time. The only time I am mentioned by him on facebook it is because I prompted him to do so. I see the passion in his eyes for curling, and am jealous.

I stood up to him after the spitting and hitting and let him come, granted not back into my bed. That was the only thing I could control. So I took it away, until I felt like a wife again. I am still waiting to feel like that.

I took months for me to start to trust him and love him again. Then just when I thinks things are going well he betrays me by reaching out to other. People he doesn't even know, that is the worse part. He said since I cut him off that he had to go to other people.

He swears he stopped and he even said he was sorry, which he never does. That is one of the things we argue about. He just never things he is wrong so he feels since he doesn't think he is wrong that he doesn't need to apologize. He said he was sorry.

I can't afford to leave him right now. So I decided to stay, finish my degree and when I get a job I can reevaluate how we are then. My gut says leave, take the kids and never turn back. My brain tells me I can't support myself, let alone two children on my own. What he makes barley covers our expenses now. How can it support two households?

So I stay. I spend most of my time in a different room than he is in. We watch two different televisions. We have no common interests anymore. Did we ever I find myself thinking?

I am selfish, I want to have what we had long ago. I want him to with no warning in the super market to hug me an announce he loves me for no reason. I want to get lost in his eyes again. I want to feel the flutter in my heart again. I want to feel loved. Yes this about me, it is about my feelings and its about who I am today.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Why is there play-dough on my kitchen ceiling?

My life may be in turmoil but my children always manage to ground me. I don't know when it happened? All I know is last night before I left for a much needed night out with friends there was no play-dough on my ceiling. I was out most of today too. Tonight after the kids went to bed I went into the kitchen to make a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and something made me look up. On my ceiling is a pancake flat disk of mostly red play-dough.

I am always telling them to make sure they keep the play-dough away from the carpets but I think this is a bit extreme. I have to admit it made me chuckle. Maybe it was a good thing both were sleeping soundly and looked so darling in their beds. Technically I never said no play-dough on the ceilings. With my luck P will mention this too me, and he would be right.

Now you may be wondering where the offending clump of play-dough is now? Well, it is still there on my ceiling. The evidence is waiting for the sleeping not so innocents to awaken and be confronted by a mommy who no doubt will be struggling to keep a straight face.

I love my children, I love my children I love my children...

Monday, January 4, 2010

Emotionally Numb

Its back to school time and of course that is a change in routine. One week off of school is all it takes I guess. Oh the tears my son shed today made me want to cry. Of course it doesn't help when you are dealing with marriage issues too. It was a rough day for me too. How do I handle all of this? I can't take time to deal with the betrayal when one of my babies is having such a bad day.

I admit that after my daughter went back to school today I went back to bed. I have had such a hard time sleeping the last few nights. No children were home so I had time to mope.

D has been very attentive to me the last few days. He even bought me a gift. It was just something from the dollar tree, but he never buys me gifts. Oh it is not making up for what he did. He will be on his best behavior for the next few weeks, but I know he will return back to super clod.

And so here I am, once again facing the end of my marriage and I am scared. Every time he is out of the house for a long time I wonder what is he really doing. And he goes out a lot. He also takes his time when he is out. Hours can go by. I was suspicious before because he would be gone for so long and have stupid reasons for being gone for so long.

I think the worse part of this is I am really not as upset as I feel I should be. Even when I confronted him I was not yelling at him. I feel strangely calm about what happened. I am so tired of being the one working to get our marriage back on track. I am tired giving suggestions to help our marriage only to be ignored. I am tired of getting into fights because we are having trouble just talking with each other. I am just plain tired.

And so here I am, once again facing the end of my marriage and I am scared. I was prepared to leave if I had to after I graduated. I never dreamed I would be facing this choice with a year left of school. I never dreamed I would be in this situation. I feel betrayed and am emotionally numb.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

What Do I Do Now?

How many months have I been writing here? How many months have I been trying to fix this mess I call a marriage? We have been sleeping apart for months. The fighting has pretty much stopped. But he can't do the one thing I need. I want romance again. I want him to reach out to me so I don't feel so alone. Put me first once in a while.

His face lights up when he sees a hockey game on TV. I can't even get a hello when I come home. I was just starting to think we could fix us. We had a nice Christmas, though again no gift from him. I am used to that though. He will buy the kids the stupidest toys but never anything for me. Okay I guess that one still bothers me a lot. Anyway we have been getting better and We have had a few nice evenings on the couch together.

Then tonight I find out that he has been trying to get together with other women. Thanks to a good friend I now know the truth. She sent me an email that he wrote. I called him and read him the evidence. He couldn't deny it. He tried to pin it on me by saying we hadn't been together for so long that he couldn't wait any more.

Seriously. Instead of reaching out to another woman why couldn't you just do what I asked and reach out to me. It was all I asked. All I needed to connect with him again. Now I have to deal with this.

If I believe him he has not actually hooked up with any of his contacts. I told him I need to think and he was on a short leash now. There was no excuse for this. I don't trust him. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to me.

So what do I do now? It is so easy to say leave him. That is my first instinct. How do I do that with two kids while I am school? In one year when I have my degree maybe it will be easier to leave?

Needless to say he will still be on the couch and I will still be alone.