Thursday, June 30, 2011
I love to watch romantic movies. It allows me to escape from the loveless world my marriage has become. But them I think, once upon a time we had the romantic movie. There was a time when for no reason while we grocery shopped that he just stopped and would give me hug. There was a time when he just looked at me I would melt.
So I wonder what happens after the closing credits? Do they live happily ever after like we hope they do? Maybe over the years they slowly drift apart and end up in seperate rooms of a house watching two tvs and not talking. Or like in my case maybe the guy ends up being too controlling and treats his leading lady like garbage. WHile t the same time cheating on her until he gets caught.
How often does the romantic movie stay romantic throughout the years? I like to think that my parents still get that mushy feeling after all these years. People I have seen get married through out my life are still together and seem to be happy to me. Of all my friends to get married I think I am the first one to start the divorce process. I think I am the only one who lost the happily ever after.
She is the one that I can reminisce with about the time we saw Footloose and had the most fun that we ever had at the movies. She is the one who emails me things to make me smile like "How to give a pill to a cat". We have been friends as long as I can remember and she keeps me grounded.
Her husband makes all husbands look ordinary at best. He is handy and works hard to keep their house in good repair. He is so handy that when they built an addition on their house he did most of the interior work. He is a leader in Boy Scouts and trims hedges. I too have known him for decades, and I am proud to call him a friend.
I have seen them hold hands on the beach as the waves caressed their toes. I have gone to Disney with them and had more fun than I thought was possible. We have gone through so much together that I couldn't imagine what life would be like without them.
I wonder what my movie looks like to them? They were with me every step of the way. I remember the first time she saw my husband. We had been dating for less than a month and went to a college astronomy club get together at a college owned camp. He looked absurd. He was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt and blue seat pants. When I showed her a photo of him at camp she called him on it. "What is he wearing?" she asked me. He did have shorts on under the ugly sweat pants that matched the outfit. It is funny that that moment stands out, was that were our movie began?
Well I am about to start rewriting my movie. It may not have a leading man in it for a while, but it will have a strong leading lady. Too my best friend in the universe thanks for being you. It is because of you that I have faith in myself that I can get through this and be strong while I do it. I hope everyone has a friend like mine.
Monday, June 27, 2011
We received our first postcards today and they came all the way from The United Kingdom. My husband brought in the mail and he never mentioned to me that any postcards came. Luckily I noticed them on a table in the kitchen. I shudder to think what would have happened had I not gone through the pile.
Mel sent us two postcards from Lincoln, Lincolnshire. It looks lovely from the photographs on the fronts of the postcards. My son zoned right in on the castle and I am sure had visions of jousting and knights running trough his head.
We read the descriptions and the wonderful facts about the area that Mel wrote about. Then we went to Google Maps. I started at our house and slowly zoomed out. We talked a bit about local geography as I brought us further and further from our house. Then we began the virtual journey to The United Kingdom. We went across the Atlantic Ocean and the kids saw how big it was. It is much larger than any of the Great Lakes.
Once we got to The United Kingdom, we found Lincoln thanks to those lovely red pins that Goggle Maps uses. Both children were interested in different things. My son wanted to see the buildings so we went to street view for that. My daughter however wanted to see the "flatness" around Lincoln. So I zoomed out for her. It is funny that I never thought to use Google Maps when we did this the first time.
I only thought of it now because when I taught a lesson on maps to a first grade class I used it with the Promethean (like a Smart Board) Board. It really allowed to them to see how maps are drawn of cities and towns.
I am hoping we get a lot of postcards this summer. We can't afford to do any real traveling so I hope our virtual exploration helps keep them entertained this summer. Thanks Mel for our first postcards of the summer, you should be getting mine soon.
Friday, June 24, 2011
When we started dating, he drove me to more and more places. I started to rely on him and his car more and more. As a result I rode my bicycle less and less. By the time we were married I hardly rode it at all. It needed a tune up and a new chain. He built bicycles and furniture for a living. He never fixed mine no matter how many times I asked him to.
When I went back to school, there was some friction, but he still was the driver and he still controlled me that way. If I wanted to go someplace and he didn't we didn't go. Eventually that became the norm and though I didn't realize it them it was an issue. If I got mad and left to calm down he would follow me in the car real slow. The police even stopped him once because he was doing that. They thought he was stalking me.
When we grocery shopped if he didn't like what I was picking he would have a temper tantrum. We always fought while grocery shopping because he insisted on doing it his way. Eventually I stopped grocery shopping. He does it all now. I loved to shop for groceries but I let him take it away from me.
When we moved into the house we moved out of a year ago my parents bought us dressers because we didn't have any closets and I needed a place to put my clothes. He assembled the dresser meant for him, but mine and the night stands he ignored. The more I asked him to build them (remember he used to build furniture for a living) he refused. Almost two years passed before he started building my dresser. One of the pieces was broken and the company that made it didn't have the part anymore. When we moved to this house he controlled what we moved here. When I went "behind his back" and brought things over I wanted he had a hissy fit.
When I turned 40 and started facing my fears, coincidently the same time that our son was diagnosed with asperger's, and started driving more he lost some of his control and then things got much worse. When I went back to school a second time for my master's he tried at first to talk me out of it. His mother tried to get him to not allow me to go. I made it clear that the decision was made and I wasn't asking for permission, I was telling him (them) that I was doing it.
I can see it so clearly now, but I was blind to it while it was happening. I let him take so much away from me. I had no power until I started to assert myself. I wish I had done that years ago. They say hindsight is 20/20, I see that now. Now I just need stay on course and focused so I don't slide backwards. That is one reason why I am being so vocal about him cheating on me and getting this divorce. I need to follow through and do it. I don't want to look back on this time of my life and regret that I didn't get a divorce. Instead of dwelling on the past and hindsight now I need to look forward and stay on this path.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The anxiety hit me like a freight train and I am out of my meds. I try to ground myself and relax. I used to be able to do this with no effort. When I was in labor with both children meditation helped me get through it all with no medication for my daughter and almost no meds with my son. Meditation and grounding was second nature to me. Now I am effected by anxiety with no notice.
The last couple days have been overall okay. I could almost forget that my marriage has fallen apart. I have been focused on the children's last week of school. My son has had fits of crying and sadness. Sometimes he was wandering around like a lost puppy. Then on the flip side he was thrilled that he could play with his friends longer and would almost be too silly at times.
My daughter and I have been planning her "Pinkalicous" birthday party. She has come up with so many ideas, most are the typical products of a six year olds imagination, but some of them are doable. So life has been pretty full and active this week. I don't think I have had much time to dwell on my own misery. Well, until today that is.
I am nervous about my psychologist appointment tomorrow. The last time I saw him I was focused on going back to school. My life has changed so much since then. Though he was the first one who opened my eyes to how my soon to be ex was treating me. He has worked with us both and actually fired my spouse because of his negative attitude.
I see my regular doctor on Friday. The meds that were prescribed to me worked some of the time and other times did nothing for me. The greater the anxiety the less likely the meds were going to work for me. Hopefully they can adjust them for me. They really did help when they worked.
I expected this time of year to be rough on the kids, I didn't know how difficult it would be on me. The good news is the last couple nights have been rainy nights. The sound of rain is a soothing sound to me and last nights all night lightning and thunder made me feel better. Maybe there will be more rumbling tonight.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
When my children where much younger, 4 and 2 I believe, I started having people all over the world send us postcards that pictured the area they lived in and they often where informative about the region it came from. We had postcards from many countries, states and provinces. We even got one from Mickey Mouse.
The kids loved going to the mailbox and finding mail for them. That alone made it worth while. We would find where the postcard came from on the map and read all about the area it came from.
I don't know why we stopped. It probably was a gradual thing and then it was gone. I stored all the postcards in a (clean) diaper wipe container. I don't even know if we still have it.
This summer will be a rough one and I don't want the children looking back on the summer of 2011 and only have blah memories. One of the moms in one of my Mommy groups recently started doing this for her children and of course I remembered when we did it. I talked to my children and they are very excited about doing this again.
My son wants a postcard from Antarctica, I am pretty sure they don't have postcards there but if they do I will find a way to get him one. My daughter didn't have a place of preference, she just is excited about getting mail.
Hopefully this project will make the summer a little more fun for them.
Monday, June 20, 2011
It was 2 am in the morning and I hear someone coming up the stairs. Don't worry, it wasn't a burglar, it was my son and he was crying. He has tissue on his nose and is upset it is another bloody nose and he is upset. I comfort him and after about 30 minutes it finally stops. It would have stopped earlier but he won't keep direct pressure on it so it stuck around for a while.
Well, now he is awake and so was I. I tried to go back to sleep but when an 8 year old with asperger's is awake in the middle of the night he has to be supervised. Bad things happen if he has the run of the house with no adults awake. I have had five pounds of coffee spread all over my living room, cement mixed with water on the living room rug and all my dry mixes, sugar, flour and eggs mixed together in the basement when he wakes up before a grown up.
I turned on the tv to shows he would be interested in around 4 am so I could at least rest a little. He went down for breakfast around 7 am and Daddy was upset with me because obviously I had given him a snack full of sugar that kept him awake all night. Never mind that he had fallen asleep no problem.
I am learning to not react as much when he screams at me for things that I had no control over. Finally the kids went to school and I managed to get to sleep around 9 am. So both adults in the house had no sleep last night. The Daddy was working and the Mommy was dealing with a child awake all night basically.
I knew this was a disaster in the making. It is the end of the school day and it was a half day. I was going to have to watch the children in the afternoon while Daddy slept. He has the job and makes the money so he gets to sleep. That is the theory and I tried to go with it.
It takes me a while to fall asleep and when I do it also takes me a while to wake up. This is nothing new and has been a thorn in our marriage for a while. I try to wake up, and most of the time I can and do. However there are some days that are harder for me to wake up from. Unfortunetly today was one of them and I admit that I asked for an extra 30 minutes of sleep.
He didn't like the request and instead of telling me that he needed me awake right then, or asking nicely for me to wake up again he didn't say anything and I assumed he was giving me the extra 30 minutes. I was wrong.
He told the kids he was leaving to go somewhere to sleep and in effect left two children unsupervised. Eventually my daughter came upstairs and asked me for some food. I thought 30 minutes had passed and she was my wake up call. Again I was wrong. It was the middle of the afternoon. I had slept the day away, and I knew my soon to be ex must be upset. I should have been awake hours ago. Not my proudest moment.
I came down stairs and Daddy was nowhere to be seen. She told me he left to get some sleep. I then noticed my son was not around. She told me he was playing with the hose in the back yard. He had made a huge puddle on the lawn and was playing in it. It was several inches deep. Visions of drowning and other assorted awful events went through my head. I didn't call up their father. I was mad, but I knew it was my bad too. When he finally came home I apologized and was going to drop it.
He however was not. He told me it didn't matter if I got no sleep over night his sleep was more important so his sleep was priority. I kind of agreed but he was screaming at me and verbally attacking me. I mentioned how he shouldn't have left with me asleep and no one supervising the kids. He told me that I was. Arguing was futile at this point in his mind he was in the right and he left me in charge of the kids it shouldn't matter if I am awake or asleep, in his mind anyway. We both were at fault and I needed to get away.
So I went to the bank to deposit a check my parents gave me for an early birthday gift. The money is to buy a garden planter that will allow for a garden that can be moved if necessary. I can finally get my vegetables planted and if vegetables aren't ripe when I move I can bring the garden with me.
Lucky me this caused another fight. He wanted me to go to the bank the check was drawn from and cash it there (paying a fee of course) then deposit the cash into our account. I told him I was going to the bank to deposit it and was not going to take the extra step. It was inconvenient and he was in charge of the kids until I come back.
At the bank I opened up my own checking account just in my name. Another step in the process of us separating and divorcing. The woman at the bank was so helpful and gave me wonderful advice. I see my psychologist on Thursday and my anxiety still at time is so bad that I can almost not function. How am I going to make it through the summer?
Saturday, June 18, 2011
All through my pregnancy I was worried that she would get stuck being born. It wa my one big pregnancy fear. Everyone reassured me that it will be fine, the doctor, my friends even my doula. Then my diva got stuck. Not only that but she tore me, the doctor said if he didn't know better that he might have thought it was deliberate. She jerked her head at the exact wrong time. When I first saw her she was pouting. When I saw her tiny fingers she gave me the finger. Yes my daughter was her own personality from the beginning.
Now six years have gone by and she is sleeping over at a friends house for the first time. Even that happened with her own little diva twist to it. She and her friend planned it all at school one day. She came home from school and started packing and was all ready to go. Luckily I was armed with the phone number of my fellow mommy who was being ambushed by her own daughter at her house.
Sadly we had to put a stop to that sleepover, and the girls were taught that all future sleepovers must be Mommy approved before the invitation. We picked a date two weeks in the future and the girls were happy again. The plans started again and all were happy.
I put all THREE of her bags into the car for her overnight sleepover. Then I added her two toned pink comforter. She had her pillow pet, and many other assorted stuffies with her. We drove around the corner and pulled into the driveway. I have never seen my daughter get out of our car faster.
She was so anxious after I rang the bell, "what was taking so long?" She was even tapping her little foot. I am in so much trouble if she is like this at only six!
The house is missing her energy tonight, it definitely feels different. She is old enough to sleep at friends houses. What will be next? With so much going on right now will I be able to handle it? I hope I can find a place to live nearby. I don't want to rip her away from her friends at the same time that her father and I live in seperate places. She will have so many things happening around her that I hope I can keep her in a familar environment. I would stay here if I could but that decision has clearly been made by his mother and I am not welcome. She is growing up and I am so afraid.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
This time of year is so hard on my son. School is ending and his routine is changing. Everyday in school something is different. Tomorrow is field days and he is so excited. I am not looking forward to him coming home. The day is unstructured and he will be wound up when he comes home.
The sun is out longer and he wants to play outside, he doesn't have homework everyday anymore so when it is time for homework he has free time. But he gets so excited that he forgets the rules. I have to be big bad mommy and enforce them. He ran outside tonight to play but didn't ask nor did he tell me where he was going. I can't allow him to do that so I have to be the bad guy and make him come back in.
To hear him it was the end of the world, he just forgot, why was I being so mean. But that is my role. I am the parent who enforces the rules, I am the parent they don't dare say no to. I am the one who makes them cry. I hate it. I remember being a child and I remember how I felt when my father enforced the rules. The difference was back then he had assistance from my mother.
In this house it is just me. Their father has almost no authority with them and he doesn't understand why. He tells the kids to do something they ignore him or defy him and he walks away and tells me how he told the kids to do something and they didn't and he gives up. So then I have to tell the kids the exact same thing but with authority and they do it.
I have been put in the position of being the law in the house and I am never off duty. Not that any parent ever is but usually they can get support from the other parent. I don't even like leaving the house with him in charge because I know it will be a disaster when I come back and if I comeback after bedtime I know they will be awake.
Tonight and the next few weeks will be Aspie Days. My son's emotions will be like a roller coaster and we all will just want to get off the ride. His father will be snapping, because even three years after the asperger's diagnosis he doesn't understand it. He know what I have told him, but never has done his own research. I say he knows what I told him, I should rephrase that, he remembers some of the things I told him. He just really doesn't understand it. He thinks it is something that a child should be able to control.
His favorite analogy to use is when Fonzie on Happy Days was blind Ritchie made him put his motorcycle together with no help. First that is not real life!. Second blindness is not the same thing as Asperger's. Every year at the end of the school year we go through so many changes and adjustments that I feel like I will go crazy. The worst one is that Daddy sleeps all day because he works all night. He does not adjust well to children playing during the day. The children do not adjust well to trying to stay quiet while they play because Daddy is sleeping.
How long until September? I hope I can get through this summer!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I want to get my father a thoughtful Father's Day gift. I don't have a lot of money to buy him fancy things, though I suspect if I did he would not want or expect fancy gifts. He tells me that if I buy him a Diet Dr. Pepper and make him a bologna sandwich he will be happy. I've done that and he was thrilled. Still I like the hunt of a perfect gift. I want to see surprise and joy on their face when a person opens a gift from me.
What my soon to be ex-husband heard "I'm going to have my photo professionally taken by an expensive photographer for hundreds of dollars." So he got mad. So many arguments that we have had would have not happened if he heard and understood what I was saying. Of course I am no angel, I am sure my annoyance at him and having to reexplain things and just being me have caused many arguments too.
To me it doesn't matter who starts an argument, I just want to stop them. To him it is important to make sure that I know I caused the argument, why I caused it, and I have to listen to him rant about it until he is done. He will not let an argument stop until he says all he needs to. Sadly this also has meant the children have also had to listen to the arguments and he doesn't care.
So today I had to hear him yell and scream at me for spending huge amounts of money on a stupid gift for my father that we can't afford, when that wasn't at all what was happening. Finally when he was done I managed to get him to understand that when I say "I'm taking a photo" I mean I am taking a photo on my camera. It does not me that someone is going to take a photo of me.
I am well on my way to my Father's Day gift to my Dad, the kids are planning theirs. I am sure it will involve a trip to the dollar store, and sadly Daddy might not even act appreciative about their gifts of love. Some years he does and other years they just collect dust. I wonder if he will even remember to call his father? I don't think he called his mother on mother's day.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I know where my kidneys are because I happen to have a wonderful malady, Renal Tubular Acidosis. When my son was seven months old I started getting aches and pains in my arms and legs. I thought it was just because I was crawling on the floor with him a lot and it was a motion my body just wasn't used to. That was until I woke up one morning and my hand wouldn't work. I couldn't even get my son out of his crib. I called my sister in law in tears and she came over to help.
Of course I went right to the doctor right? No, I went scrapbooking. Try to picture someone scrapbooking when they can't use one arm, then the other. It was an interesting day and the pain was getting worse all day. I also couldn't stop drinking orange juice. After scrapbooking I went to the ER right? No my sister in law and I went shopping. By then I was barely able to walk. What was I thinking? I have no idea.
When I finally got home my sister in law said she was worried about leaving me alone and I assured her I would be okay. I was going to bed and I was sure I would be better soon. I was WRONG! Once home I managed to get upstairs and get online, when I couldn't manipulate the mouse then I called the doctor. That's right it took me not being able to use the internet for me to seek help.
The on call doctor had no idea why I was having this reaction. So they sent me to the ER. I called my husband and waited for him to come home to take me there. I tried to pick up a piece of paper and it was too heavy for me. By the time my husband got there I was in tears and could barely move.
I walked into the ER at the speed of a snail. The triage nurse watched and after accessing me had me take a seat. It couldn't be that bad, when it is real bad they take you right in. The waiting room was almost empty and the wait wasn't very long. I slowly stood up and again walked in super slow motion after the nurse who was walking at a normal gait. It was like the tortoise and the hare. She did realize I was lagging behind and slowed down.
No one thought it was serious yet. We got in the lovely private exam area protected the strength of a simple horribly patterned curtain. Swish, take of your clothes and put on this robe. Such simple directions and I couldn't do it. I tried. I couldn't lift my arms up, gravity had defeated me and I had to ask for help to get into the ugly hospital gown.
They ran the regular blood tests and tried to figure out why I couldn't move and why I was in so much pain. The first thing they found was that my potassium level was low. Now when I saw low, I mean low, one doctor was amazed that I had walked into the ER. I heard whispers that people die with a level so low. WHAT!!!!
I was admitted of course and the first thing they did was give me an iv. The bag was filled with potassium, the nurse said this might burn a bit. She LIED!!! Lava was flowing into my veins. The burning was unbearable and I tried to be brave. Finally I asked for pain meds. The burning was unbearable at this point. Tears were flowing down my face uncontrollably and I just wanted to sleep. They gave me one pain pill. It helped a little, I might have slept a little but the pain would wake me up and I wasn't allowed anymore pain meds.
I think I had the potassium iv filled with torture for at least a day. I was poked and prodded and had test after test. I barely saw the same doctor twice. Finally I noticed one doctor consistently. He was a nephrologist, a kidney doctor. He talked to me about something being wrong with my kidneys. He called it Renal Tubular Acidosis. They had to image my kidneys to be sure.
Lucky me, when they imaged my kidneys they were full of very small kidney stones. Hundreds, maybe even thousands was what they told me. Most would never bother me because they were very small. It was the other ones that worried me. I had a kidney stone about 18 months before, and it was worse than labor. By the way I didn't use meds in both of my pregnancies. I begged for pain meds when I had a kidney stone, now I had HUNDREDS to look forward to. Lucky me!
Basically RTA (renal Tubular Acidosis) happens when your kidneys remove potassium from your body. Potassium is what keeps our muscles moving, the heart is a muscle. So no potassium is very bad. It also makes your blood acidic and that eats away at your bones. What fun!!! So I have to take potassium supplements but I have to be careful because to much potassium can kill you too. I also have to take sodium bicarbonate, basically baking soda to keep my blood from becoming to acidic.
There are some advantages. It is really cool to see people's reaction when I tell them I have blood that is acid. Plus I am hardly ever bothered by mosquitos. Okay I don't know if the mosquito thing is because my blood is acid, but it sounds good doesn't it?
Disadvantages are taking too many pills, some make me gag because they are so big. Luckily now my levels seem to be stable and I am on a lot less meds. The other thing that gets to me is that about every 18 months I get a kidney stone or a kidney infection. Sometimes I get both, what a bonus!
So I went to bed on Thursday with visions of a fun filled Saturday in my head. I woke up very early Friday morning sweating and shivering. My teeth were chattering, I tried to deny it, I took some tylenol and grabbed another blanket and went back to sleep. I was okay in the morning, I almost forgot about the early morning freeze. Then just as the the doctor's office closed the shivering came back.
I was so cold, I was under three blankets and I was seeing my Saturday of fun fade away. I called the doctor and thankfully he knew I was familiar with this and since I wasn't in too much pain all I need was an antibiotic. He phoned in script to my pharmacy and my husband picked it up.
Now my husband is another piece of this story. He is on the couch until he finds another place to live. Friday night he was invited to his sister's house. It was her husband's birthday and they had something planned for my husband, not me, I wasn't invited. I am on the couch shivering and he is instructing our children what to do if Mommy passes out. He is going over 911 and what to say to the operator. Really! If I wasn't so sick I would have yelled at him. If he was that worried then stay home. You don't leave a 8 and 6 year old home to deal with that.
He called twice to check on me, both time before bedtime for the kids. He finally came home well into the early hours of the morning. I was feeling better. The antibiotics were working and my decision to divorce him was strengthened.
I did go out on Saturday with my friends. I had delicious BBQ and even bought my children a toy each. The time spent away from my family was the best medicine. I have been tied to this house and my family for so long I had forgotten what it was like to get away.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
After I had my son I found two local Mommy groups and one was a perfect fit. I still am involved in that group eight years later. It's not all puppy dogs and rainbows. If you put a group of women together there will always be conflict. But there is also an amazing support structure.
Since then I have expanded to two local groups. There are some members that belong to both groups but overall the two groups have two different personalities. Even though the personalities change as the group continues over the years the main focus remains the same. They are safe place where a mom can go online and in some case in person to compare notes and stay sane.
The local groups have Moms Nights Outs, picnics and playdates. The children make friends and the moms not only gain friends they get a safety net. When one mom in a moms groups needs help the group always comes together with support.
I also belong to one international Moms group. We originally all were due in the same month in 2004. We shared pregnancy stories, birth stories and learned about life all over the world. We had tragedies and amazing things happen to all of us. We have survived from iVillage to our own sites. We have had group divisions and group bondings. Through it all many of us have stuck around to become the Hot Mama's. I have not met one member of this group in person but I would bend over backwards to help them when I can. If I ever did meet one and I wish I could meet them all I know we would great each other with the biggest bear hugs we could.
It is my "Mommy Friends" that help get me through the mundane and the insanity of my life. I may not be able to count on my husband but I can count on my fellow mommies. They support me and tell me nicely when I misstep. They are my extended family all over the world. My Mommy friends mean the world to me, thank you all for being there for me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I have to move. I want to be clear that I don't want to move and I don't want to uproot my children from their home and possibly their school and friends because my husband make a poor decision. I find that I am filled with so much hate. I hate that his decision is effecting my life on so many levels. I hate that his mother talked us into selling our house and renting from her. I hate that I was part of the problem in our last house. I hate that I gave up and I hate that it all overwhelmed me. How do you clean when it becomes too much.
I hate that those that judge me now never thought to find out why. Though I don't know if I could have shared that with them back then. I hate that I was forced to move a year ago when I didn't want to. I hate that many of the things I loved where disposed of without care or though even after I was told that I had three more days to move them.
I hate living under the threats, but I accepted that. I worked hard to improve and I worked hard to save this crumbling marriage. Now it is all falling apart and I am metaphorically battered and bruised. My spirit is shattered and my heart aches. The only thing keeping me going is that I ned to be there for my children.
I found a house that I wanted to move us into. It had three bedrooms and a fenced in yard. There was even a screened in front porch. All the owned wanted was a reference from my landlord. There will be no reference, my landlord has no interest in helping me find another place to live. Not that I was expecting help, but I was expecting a little goodwill.
I am losing my home, I am losing my marriage and now I lost the home I wanted to move into. I went to my doctor's office yesterday to get anti-anxiety meds. So I am on yet another medication, but I finally got sleep last night. I started peeling skin off my feet again. I haven't done that since I lived home with my parents. I don't even know I am doing it until I start to bleed. I called my psychologist to start seeing him again. I know I can't handle this without help.
I worry about being on my own, I worry about not being able to find a safe place to live with my children. I worry that I will be like a zombie. I worry about so much! How much more can I take? When I think it is as bad as it can get more happens. Sometimes I wish I could sleep through it all, but that won't make it any better. I am going to find a way to get through this. I just keep telling myself that.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
They are never allowed to get more than two items. Some weeks my son will pick out a toy and others it will be a flashlight. He will have his item of choice with in minutes of walking in the store and want to pay for it and leave right away. My daughter is completely different. She will go up and down every aisle. She examines everything. She will pick an item up and inspect it like she is a customs agent. Then she announces "NO!" and puts it back. Finally when she picks an item and I think we can finally leave she changes her mind in seconds. She will the begin her second tour of the store and only when I set a final time limit will she pick her final item or items.
Daddy and I allow different items for the children to pick out. I think about what harm they can do to our house with their selected items. Items like playdough, which can magically end up in our carpet with neither child knowing how it got there. It can also end up on the ceiling, that I will never forget. They always want to buy Sharpies, I just see ink marks on furniture or skin that are difficult or impossible to remove. They also always want candy. I am not close to skinny. I don't want my children to ever weigh as much as I do so I tend to limit sweets in our house.
Now Daddy has one goal when he walks in the Dollar Store. He wants to get out as fast as possible. He encourages the children to pick what they want as soon as possible and if it is clay or candy or markers that's okay because he can pay and go. I cringe when they come home because I never know what items of destruction the children will find when they go to the Dollar Store without me.
This week my daughter comes home with a sandart kit. basically you pour layers of different colored sand into a bottle to make a design.
Tonight I came up into my room and all over my bed is a layer of pink sand. I have some pickup sticks in my room and I showed her my "trick" with a pickup stick. Bonus in the middle of my bed she is sleeping. I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't even wake her up. I wondered how could she sleep on sand? That can't be comfortable. But she is snuggled up in her bright pink comforter on top of a layer of pink sand. She looks so peaceful and happy. I wonder what I looked like? What would you look like if you found your bed covered in pink sand and the culprit asleep on top of it?
I managed to scoop her up and dust her off, I changed her jammies and brushed her hair. The amazing thing was that she never woke up. I stripped my bed and shook the sheets outside. I made my bed again and her I am. In the morning I will have to vacuums my floor, it fells like a carpeted beach. I tell myself no more sand art kits for a while. Well at least until Daddy goes shopping with the children again. I shudder at the thought.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Up until tonight it has been civil. I have held myself together, you know putting on a brave front so the kids don't see how devastated I am. But he isn't working tonight. The kids are asleep and he in on the couch. Almost like a normal evening. I had to ask, I had to make sure he knew I wasn't backing down. He needs to seriously find another place to live. I am not cruel I am not going to throw him out with no place to go. It doesn't matter if I can think of a dozen places where he could go.
For years I have been telling him I needed help. I told him we needed help. I went to therapy and talked to him and when we walked out, with me feeling amazing because I thought we communicated he said it was a bunch of bull. So he wouldn't do therapy, he wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't be with me. It was him in the living room and me in the bedroom. There I stayed and stayed and died inside.
Instead of being part of my life he complained to whoever would listen. His wife wouldn't clean, his wife wouldn't spend time with him, his wife was distant. It never occurred to him that it might be connected to the years of pleas for help that came out of my mouth. I hid it from the world, but not from him. He would say it will all work out, but there was never a plan to make it work out. There was no map to get us to a happy ending. And the distance between us grew into a chasm.
Did he think I didn't notice the looks I got from his family and friends? Did he think I didn't notice how distant they became. Add to that the things he did and say to me and I shut down even more. Until the day I started this blog. Until the day I opened myself up to the world. That day I started to break free.
I can't help but wonder why all the people he complained to never thought to find out what was going on. Not once did any of them investigate further. No one asked me why wasn't I cleaning. No one asked why was I hiding from the world. Did they even notice. They do now. They check on him now. They see if he is okay. HE IS THE ONE WHO CHEATED!!!!!!! I am the one being ignored.
To be clear I didn't expect support from his family, but I didn't expect attitude from them. I knew I would be kicked out of my house and have to move with my children and disrupt their life because of his mistake. I didn't expect that if he had the children they could stay in the house. It is me that isn't wanted.
I have dealt with all of this this week and I am sure other things too. Then tonight he sits next to me on the couch like nothing happened. I lost it. I yelled and I screamed. I let it all out. How could he do this to me, to our children? So much emotion, so much pain came out. I cried and I was shaking. I am glad the kids were asleep.
How long until he finds a place to move to? If I can't handle one night of him being home how am I going to handle next week. He is on vacation, hoe can I avoid him? Do I stay upstairs all the time? Then it is his birthday and the kids want me to make a cake. They want to have a party. They want balloons.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The ending of my marriage is no surprise. If you have been reading my blog you know that we have had our issues. He has been mean and abusive at times. I too have had my moments that I am not proud of. The cheating was just the final straw.
To be fair he has his good qualities. When we were dating he would shower me with positive affection and love. He proposed to me at the top of the CN tower in Toronto. He even managed to get management to open up the sky deck (it was closed to the public due to clouds) so he could propose to me at the top of the world.
I have said it before and I will say it again, it is no picnic to live with me. I have depression and can hide away from the world for huge chunks of time. I am moody and it has been said that I have a temper.
That said he did cheat on me, he broke our vows and now our marriage is over. It is only because I have had such positive support and such wonderful children that I have been able to function these last few days. Not all the feedback I have received has been positive. I have been asked by one individual to keep my private life private. They suggest that I am turning my family drama into a cheap talk show. My own mother was horrified that I share such personal information with the world. SHe says it is none of their business.
So why am I doing this? Why am I opening up my dysfunctional marriage and life to the world? I firmly believe that people who hide their "dirty laundry" can be the ones that just disappear. I could have just hidden away in my room and would I have been missed? I was miserable and alone, it was even hard for me to be there for my children. It was writing this blog and sharing my story that gave me the strength to keep going. It was therapeutic and still is.
A side effect has helped keep me going. I have heard from women who have read my story and have found the strength to make their life better. Writing this has been good for me and it has been good for others.
So in response to anyone who wants me to keep my personal life private, NO!!! By keeping quiet horrible things have happened all over the world. While my life may not save the planet, maybe it can help save a family or two. Maybe it can help someone find the strength they need. That is why I am sharing my life.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
August 9th was the big day almost fourteen years ago. I walked down that aisle and said my vows. One of those vows was to remain faithful. I stayed true to my vows.
So today we talked. It was the longest conversation that we have had in months. There was no yelling, no screaming and no violence. He even admitted what he did. Though he tried to blame me for it. Even with that attempt we stayed civil.
We talked about custody. I would have custody of the children and he would get visitation, he would like every other weekend. Right now I am okay with that. For holidays, he would have Christmas Eve (his family has a huge party that night) and I would get Christmas. I would have the day before Easter and he would have Easter Sunday. He would have Thanksgiving (We always spent Thanksgiving with his family) and I would have Black Friday, which is my families traditional Thanksgiving Dinner day.
We talked about furniture, stoves and beds. I want a new bed and he gets our old one. He still needs to find a place to live. Only so much can get done in a day. I too have to find a new place. His mother will not let me stay in the house with the kids. If Dennis had custody they could stay here. Since that is not an option we too have to move. She thinks I am destructive. I don't have to deal with her anymore so she can think what she wants.
I was fine until he left the house. I started feeling anxiety. I stayed strong and focused on the routine of homework and bedtime. I read the stories and the kids and I talked. They are only concerned about sleepovers with Daddy. It seems the want them to start asap. They seem to accept the situation with positive attitudes.
We sat down with them when they came home from school and talked. It was only when I said that Daddy and Mommy would be living in different houses that they seemed upset. But once they learned that they would still see Daddy often they accepted it and seemed fine with it.
After they went to bed and the house was quiet I started to cry. The anxiety was overwhelming and I worried about looking for a place to live. I haven't ever had to look for an apartment or a place to live. The closest was finding a room to rent when I lived in another city for an internship. Then there is the job issue, I still don't have one.
I guess I will be visiting some day cares since I have had no real teaching bites yet. That will get me through the summer and hopefully I will be able to sub in the fall. Even if I had a sub job now I would still need to find a summer job so I could afford a place to live in September.
Today was almost too much, I am glad we seem to be settling this with out issue so far, but soon lawyers will get involved. If all goes well I will be single by our anniversary. I never thought I would be single again. What a day after!