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The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

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Sunday, October 31, 2010

I Am Not The Only Reason

According to him I have started every argument we have had and I am the one at fault or all our problems. When I speak back to him what he says to me he says I am putting words into his mouth. I admit I rephrase it. When he says I start every argument, to me that says he doesn't start any of them. Obviously he thinks he is not at fault for any of our problems. I know I am not perfect. I definitely have started many of our fights, but absolutely not all of them. I try to point out to him that logically I can't start all the fights. He just can't see it.

I get so frustrated and feel defeated. He hardly ever apologizes for being a jerk, because in his mind he has done nothing wrong. When I do get the rare apology, he will point out that he did say he is sorry and that I still am upset so why should he apologize if I still am upset.

My patience has been worn down to almost nothing and with each passing week, month and year I feel like am closer to snapping. I never know when he is going to be irrational.

If you believe him, he never raises his voice or yells. He never starts an argument and he never makes a mess.

He thinks it is okay to hang up on me when he doesn't want to hear what I am saying when we are on the phone. Sometimes he doesn't even have the phone up to his ear when we are talking because he doesn't want to listen to me. He has even told me that if he thinks I am saying something that doesn't interest him that he just tunes me out. Then when I ask him if he heard me he gets upset.

He also gives me no indication to let me know if he heard me. There is no eye contact and not even a nod of acknowledgment. When I ask him to reply or ask if he heard me (remember he says he tunes me out) he raises his voice (because he NEVER yells). I can look right at him and see that his mouth doesn't move, there is no sound and his head doesn't move. He then will swear he answered me out loud or nodded his head to answer.

I guess I just wanted to vent tonight. We had an argument earlier and he again told me that I am always to the one to start the fights, but when I said he wasn't perfect he replied that he didn't say that. Well that is how I interpret it when he says he never starts to arguments or yells.

I just have to remind myself that I am not the only one at fault in this marriage. I am not perfect, I know I can be difficult to live with, but I am not the only reason this marriage is failing. However I do believe I was the only one trying to save it.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

What I Found in the Car

Last night we had a fight and my husband stayed out all night. He thought I had kicked him out. In truth I did ask him to leave, but it was so we could cool down. I discovered he was gone all night when my daughter woke up from a bad dream. But do I really care anymore?

I decided to have a talk with him today. He is more often than not, grumpy, moody, and withdrawn from all of us. He will focus on hockey, but not what is happening around him. When he does interact with us, it mostly is because he is mad. He will yell or raise his voice with out any warning sometimes. He swears and calls me horrible names. Names that if his sister's fiance called her he would be furious.

So I discussed it with him and it really boiled down to he is worried about money. To the point that he is almost obsessing over it. Because I am not as worried as he is he sees that as a weakness. so we talked and we argued a little, but it was productive I thought. Well, that was until I went to the store.

I went to one of the stores that makes you put a quarter in the shopping cart to use it. And all the change in the car had vanished. So I started going through the car and I found a condom. Yes a condom. We don't use them so I can think of no reason for one to be in my car that is legitimate. I am not stupid I know what it is there for.

I have caught him writing love letters to another woman, I caught him using Craigslist to try to find someone else to have sex with and now I find a condom in our car. Why do I keep giving him chances?

When I got home I sent the kids upstairs to watch TV and closed the door. I asked my husband if there was anything in the car he didn't want me to find. No nothing he says. So I show him the condom. He said that he bought it because he thought I kicked him out of the house. Really, that was not even a full day ago.

I told him that there are no more chances. He needs to focus on the family and his behavior. He has to stop spitting, throwing things, swearing in front of the kids, calling me names, and stop the sexcapades. If they don't stop he has to move. I am not uprooting the kids because of his poor decisions. I don't care who the landlord is. I am almost to the point where I can start earning money. I get my degree in the beginning of January.

I don't trust him and I don't think he can change. I hope he can, but I have serious doubts. Come 2011 I may be a single mom and that scares me.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Flyer that Started it All

I never know what will set him off. Sometimes it is so random that I am amazed how such a trivial thing can escalate into a huge battle. Tonight was one of those times. This was my last week at my first student teaching placement and I neglected the house somewhat. It is nowhere near as bad as it once was but it is cluttered. So this evening I spent some time cleaning, starting with our room. I do a lot of lesson prep up there and many things get scattered around. Someday I will get that desk chair so I can utilize my desk.

I straightened up the room, he did some laundry. Everything was going smoothly until I sat down to watch Hell's Kitchen. It probably started when I told him there was only one episode on our DVR list and I didn't know if that was the one he saw. Why this made him raise his voice to me I don't know? He explains to me rather loudly that he watched an episode without me and what was the last episode I saw. We get louder as I try to say I don't recall what happened and why can't we just look at the episode we have recorded instead of arguing. I am using my teacher voice because I am trying not to escalate this any further. He goes upstairs to get our daughter to go to sleep.

Finally he comes down and this is the episode he saw, so I have to watch it to catch up. No worries. I start to watch it and he starts to clean in the living room. I see he is about to throw away items from the kids school folders that they brought home today. Things I separated out to review this weekend. SO I ask him not to throw away a flyer. It is for the kids Halloween party at school and the kids really want to go. Tickets are just $2.00 each for the kids. We can do that I thought so I set the form aside to fill in and send in with money on Monday.

Okay true I didn't discuss it with him, but he will be going to work at the same time the event is and it is not a lot of money. Plus I have the car at night so there should be no problem. I was wrong!

He gets mad that I want to save the flyer. I am going to fill our house with useless paper and I save too much clutter. So and so keeps a neater house than we do and why can't we do that? Plus, he continues, we can't afford the money for the party and I just let the kids do whatever they want. So I take a deep breath and try not to react to the bait. Then I notice him not looking at what he is throwing away and again it is something I wanted to save. So of course I say something and he flips out.

Granted I could have put them in a better spot, but he also could have looked at what the paper was and maybe read it. He could have asked if I wanted it. In fact he actually asked me "How am I supposed to know you want to save the paper, it looks like garbage to me." I suggested he ask. That was not the answer he wanted and he screams that then it would take ten years to clean.

I know he doesn't like to read, but sometimes it is amazing what he won't read. When asked to pass a specific salad dressing once he asked which one was that dressing. We all responded that maybe he should read the bottle. It just doesn't occur to him to read the label, or read the words on a piece of paper to see if it important. I worry that our children will pick up that habit.

He has stormed out of the house again. I try not to engage in the fight that I know is about to happen, sometimes it is like a tidal wave, it just can't be avoided. Luckily my tactics to avoid his bait sometimes do work and some arguments have been avoided. Still I can't help but think that he purposely tries to start these arguments. He yells so much, and so quickly that it almost is like his normal speaking voice now. Now the kids are yelling more and I know they are getting it from us. I have mentioned that to him and he just tells me to shut up. He won't believe anyone that children learn what they live.

I did rescue the flyer and I will send it in with the $4.00 that according to him will break the bank. I guess I will have to give up a couple pops this week because he won't give up his Tim Hortons every night. Halloween is a magical time of the year and I will do all I can so my children can enjoy it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Going to the Farm and My Last Day

Today is a great day and a sad day. I have been student teaching in a kindergarten class for seven weeks. I started the year with these children and have gotten attached to them. I have helped them learn to read and write. We made butter, planted seeds and learned all about apples and farms.

But today was my las day with them. My placement had to end, I knew it was coming but it seemed so far away. I was greeted with hugs this morning and was showered in drawings and handwritten cards. We all kept our coats on and we waited for the bus. Yes, the bus, because today was our fall field trip. We were going to the farm.

The bus ride was a half hour long and was filled with the sound of children's chatter. Excitement was in the air. Faces looked out the windows and there were questions about what was waiting for them at the farm. Finally the farm appeared on the left and cheers were heard. Somehow order was established and we all got off the bus. We saw the ponies, a rabbit in a barn and a lot of pumpkins.

We first saw an angora rabbit. We surrounded an angora rabbit that was sitting so still, you almost wondered if it was real. The tour guide showed us how the wool angora could be gently plucked from Cotton Candy. The rabbit just sat there and didn't flinch when all the thrilled children got to touch her. When we moved on the rabbit finally moved, she turned around to face the class. Maybe she has had experience with young children before and wanted to keep an eye on them.

The tour continued and we saw a miniature donkey, miniature horses, turkeys, fancy chickens, ducks and pigs. Then we saw a three week old calf prancing around. She wanted her bottle and then decided to play. In the next room of the barn we saw sheep and goats. One of the goats was ready to be milked.

She was so patient while all the children lined up to milk her. They were unsure, but as soon as they squeezed her teats their faces lit up. Earlier this week we made butter from cream and learned about how cows were milked on a dairy farm. Today they made the connection between that and this goat. They were amazed by how warm her skin felt and how the milk came out in a stream.

We went on a hay ride, and it was real hay, earlier we learned the difference between hay and straw and all the children confirmed that it was really hay that they were sitting on. The air was cold as we travelled through the fields. I had to put my gloves on. Soon we saw the pumpkin patch. It looked like a field of dirt with scattered orange balls all over.

Finally we stopped and the children were off to pick their pumpkins. I even picked one.

It wan't as orange as the others but it caught my eye and called to me. It was then that one of my students ran up to me showing me what he found. In the middle of this pumpkin patch full of dying vines and scattered pumpkins he found one small green one with a caterpillar on it. He reluctantly let the caterpillar go back into the pumpkin patch.

The children rode the ponies and pumped water with hand pumps to race ducks down PVC pipes. Then we ate lunch and back to school we went. The motion of the bus combined with the fresh air from the farm lulled some to sleep and seemed to calm down the rest. The field trip was over and my day was almost done.

We talked about our favorite memories of the farm, I liked milking the goat the best and so did a couple other of my friends. Finally the day was done and I had to say good-bye to all these children that I have brought into my heart. Tears filled my eyes as I called them into line by bus numbers. We sang "We All Had a Happy Day" one last time and into the hallway we went. I led them to the school door for the last time ever and we slowed the line down as each one gave me a hug. Some children even gave me two.

I watched them walk away and knew that as they grew part of me would always be with them. I helped build their foundation that all learning will be built on. I wondered what they would become when they grow up and tears finally came. I didn't write a morning message before I left. I had to walk away and trust that I was a positive influence on my students.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Dirty Jobs Birthday Wars

The party was fantastic, the children had a blast and really got into the "Dirty" part of Dirty Jobs. We made butter and goop. They dug in slime and planted grass in the dirt. It was messy but fun. The disaster was getting ready for the party and cleaning up.

I cleaned the living room last night. I went to bed thinking it would be not to difficult getting the rest of the house ready. I should have known better.

I woke up to yelling and screaming. Father and son were at it again. The door to upstairs opens up and both start yelling at me about what is going on. Seriously, why am I the one who has to sort everything out. Sadly once again I see that my husband is being unreasonable and my son is struggling because of it.

Then I look and the living room I had all clean last night is a disaster. My husband just shrugs when I ask what happened and disappears into the kitchen. He announces that he is cleaning the kitchen, I guess I get the rest of the house. So I start cleaning.

I have heard that some husbands will assist their wives lifting heavy things or doing things that might take an extra set of hands. To me that is a fable or possibly a myth. If I ask for help I am called inept and chastised for it. Well, I need help so I brace myself for the slew of insults to follow. As I am being screamed at for all my faults I realize that he is hand washing individual dished, drying each one ever so carefully opening the cupboard, putting it away in the cupboard and then closes it. He repeats this process for every dish. Did I mention the dishwasher was empty and right next to him. Apparently he felt we didn't have time to fill the dishwasher.

So of course I mention this to him and the fireworks begin. The result is him running out of the house two hours before a birthday party. The kitchen, dining room and living room all need to be straightened up plus vacuuming. But because I mentioned that there was a faster way to get the kitchen ready he had a hissy fit and ran away. Just like he does whenever we have something to do that he wants to get out of doing. He stages a way to get me upset, I snap and he leaves.

So now I have a party to prepare for and two children to watch. My son vacuumed and gasp something bad happens to the vacuum. I swear I am going to be a quivering mass just giggling to myself when the guests arrive. Somehow I manage to recover, but the upstairs is a disaster because I can't be on two floors of the house at once. Oh and my landlord is coming tomorrow (on my birthday) to inspect the house to make sure it is tidy enough for her.

My husband comes home with the cake and ice cream he fixes the vacuums and we manage to get everything set up as the first guest arrives. I have 6 eight and nine year olds with a five year old thrown in for fun. Corn starch is flying, dirt spills, butter is launched into the neighbor's yard. I did manage to stay sane. My son is so overwhelmed from all the action at his party that he hides in the garage and his friends can't find him.

The party is over and the last guest didn't want to leave. I give him credit he offered to help clean up, I just wanted him to go home though. I am putting tables away, cleaning up spilt, dirt, corn starch and butter. I go inside to flop on the couch, I just want to relax. No such luck though. My son and daughter are arguing over which goop is who's. It sounds like WW III and of course I am in no mood. Before I even find out what has happened goop is launched in the basement and the storage container is broken. Where is my husband? Oh he is in the shower, he has a bachelor party to go to.

Now on to that subject. The birthday party is over at 6 pm and the bachelor party starts at 7 pm. I knew the other party was tonight. So I have an overwhelmed child with asperger's, I have a party guest that didn't want to leave, I cleaned up all the outside mess (remember it was a dirty jobs party so there was a MESS!) I sat down, I didn't even remember when I sat down before the party, It might have been when I woke up. My husband comes out of the shower and announces there is a frosting mess on the floor of the kitchen.

Silly me I asked him to take care of it. Well, that started a whole new battle. He announces that he has an obligation to go to his future brother in laws bachelor party. I shouldn't have planned a party for the same day as that sacred event. I am called inept again because I wanted him to clean up the green frosting that he discovered on the floor. He needs to go because the world will end if he is late.

Somehow I managed to get both kids washed, green food dye does eventually wash off skin and teeth. The grandparents are about to stop over and hopefully they will have a phillips head screw driver so we can put batteries in the new toys. I am finally sitting on the couch and have an evening away from my husband. I might even get to watch some TV. I am sure a whole new war will be fought tomorrow. After all it will be my birthday.