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Sunday, May 31, 2009

Walk for Autism


Yesterday was the Walk for Autism. It was a little over 3 miles long and I was looking forward to walking. Then I found out that hubby was working and I was going to have both children with me that day. I knew my son could handle the walk, he would complain but he could do it. my daughter however was the wild-card. I thought she could do it, but wasn't sure. I could have loaded up the wagon, but my trunk was too small and I wasn't driving his car.

We had mere minutes between the soccer game that morning and when we had to leave for the walk. Somehow in that time I managed to get the kids changed into new outfits and refill the water bottle then get a snack in. I felt like super mommy. To the walk we went. Both kids were excited and when we pulled into the parking lot were even more excited. There was a huge playground and lots of things for children to do.

I found out where registration was and as we approached who saw Sabertooth. The kids were yelling hello to Sabertooth and of course he couldn't hear them, it was crowded and noisy and he was a bit of a distance away. That didn't stop them from trying to get his attention and after a few moments it paid off. Sabertooth came up to my children like they were old friends, he scooped up my daughter into his fuzzy arms and held on tight. Her brother attached himself to the mascot with a huge bear hug. It was like a reunion of old friends. In the moment I managed to get my camera out and get a photo of the reunion.


We got registered and received our t-shirts and a canvas bag. I wanted to change into the shirt, the kids only had eyes for the playground. It was like they were being pulled towards it by a tractor beam. I let them win this round, it was a pretty cool playground. If I were a child I would be all about the playground too.

The first task was to figure out how to get into the playground. The school had put child safe gates into the fence around the playground. Usually that means the kids know how to open them and it's the adults that have problems figuring out how to open them. It took about 4 - 5 adults to open the gate and even then we did it wrong (I figured out the correct way later on). The first step into the playground was onto a cushioned surface to walk on. It was so comfortable to walk on that I felt like I could bounce on it.


They were off, one went this way and the other went that way. Mommy was barely a thought in their heads. He found an obstacle course complete with a rock wall and she had found a slide. The joy on their faces was beautiful to look at. I found a bench to sit on as I watched them play. They played with all the other children like they had been friends forever. The children were on the autism spectrum and neurotypical. It was wonderful to watch.


Then of course we had to make a potty stop before the walk started. No Mommy we don't have to go, we want to play in the playground. The battle I had to fight to get them to leave the playground was intense, but as usual Mommy wins. Yes, they did need to use the potty they realized and I got a chance to put on the T-Shirt. The walk was about to start and somehow we managed to stumble upon the front of the line as we left the building. The walk had begun and so had the complaints.

The walk was to long, we weren't walking fast enough, people were passing us, the birds were ducks not geese, why are people turning around, we want to rest, we want a break, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty... I would often just reply with I love you because I knew it was difficult for them. Somehow we all managed to complete the walk and make it back for lunch.

(They were geese)

After we ate the playground beckoned again and the kids played on everything as long as they were allowed to. It is no exaggeration that I say we were one of the last families to leave. While I was watching them play one little boy adopted me and would sit next to me and scoot closer and closer to me. He would give me hugs and constantly walk up to me. It was adorable. I get so mad when people assume that children with autism are all distant and don't interact with other people. That is the case sometimes but just as often it's not.

The Punishment Doesn't Fit The Crime

I am so upset right now. For some reason my spouse feels a reasonable punishment for not getting dressed quickly enough is sending a six year old to his room for the whole day. He started this "punishment" at 11 am and refuses to stand down. The only saving grace is he knows I won't stand for it and he is standing guard. That way he has a punishment too. If my son has to stay in his room all day, then so does his father.

I tried to get him to see how unreasonable this punishment was and he refuses to see any reason. He is determined to keep his son in his room all day long. He makes up these punishments to benefit himself in my opinion. He doesn't like to read bedtime stories and so he will take away bedtime stories as fast as he can for any little thing wrong the kids do at bedtime.

Today is his one day in the week where he can spend time with the kids. So what does he do the first chance he can, he separates himself from his son for the whole day by sequestering him into his room all day long. At least I have managed to make him spend time with him. I may not have been able to reduce the punishment but I made sure that daddy has to feel the punishment too. I hope what ever sport is on today that he wanted to watch is mostly missed.

We have been doing so much better lately, this came out of the blue and I am once again pondering our future. I will not allow more of these punishments. A six year old does not deserver to be grounded to his room for a whole day because he didn't get dressed fast enough. I have to deal with that every school day morning and I have no problem getting him to get dressed. It takes me standing over him and instructing him what to do, but it gets done.

Soccer Stars


Today was the children's first soccer game of the year. The sky was overcast and there was a nip in the air. I was so happy when I found a blanket in my car trunk. The teams were Lt Blue (us) vs Dk Blue. My son scored the first two goals of the game. He was trilled and you could tell that he was excited about that just by looking at him.


You could definitely see the difference between the two of them while watching the game. She wanted almost nothing to do with the game. The poor thing was cold and shy. She went on the field holding on to Daddy with a death grip. He then found himself in the middle of the game. The ref was okay with it though. He must not have been the first parent literally dragged into the game by their child.


my son however wanted to be on the field at all times. Even when he was on the bench he had to be reminded not to jump into the game. He ended up scoring 12 goals. He clearly was the best player in the game. He was too good. By the end of the game he was playing defense to allow other players a chance. Instead of a Hat Trick we joked that he scored a Pat Trick.


Friday, May 29, 2009

My Comedy of Errors


Have you ever had a day or two that seems like it is suited for the movies or a sitcom. This week definitely was made for TV. Another way to describe the past couple days is a comedy of errors.

Let's start with Wednesday. I was enjoying a nice quiet afternoon at home when it happened, (insert dramatic music here). I was using my laptop and I got a low power warning. I only had a 10% charge on it, I looked the charger was plugged in and connected to the computer, the LED light that tells me that it's working however is off. I tried the usual repair method, I juggled the cord. Sadly that didn't work. I unplugged it and let it cool down before plugging it in again, nope still nothing. I plugged it into different wall outlets in case the outlet was out,this too didn't help.

So I call Apple and decided when talking with a tech to replace the charger. They assured me I will have it within one to two days (remember this in Wednesday). So I think to myself how much I will miss my laptop and will have to muddle through sharing the desktop with Dennis. I get an email telling me the part has shipped and I see it goes from Pennsylvania (next to New York State) to go to Tennessee. I figure I will have it the next day because it would probably arrive by airplane.

I get my iTouch out because I can connect to the internet with it, it is a much smaller screen but at least I wouldn't have to fight with my spouse for computer time. It won't turn on so naturally I charge it. I assumed it was out of power. I go back to get it a while later and see an Apple symbol on the screen. This isn't usual and I know something is wrong. I pick it up and it is hot to the touch. Then the screen goes blank and the iTouch is no more. So on the same day my laptop can't be charged and my iTouch isn't working.

Thursday I wake up and check Fed Ex to see if my charger is going to be delivered. It is still in Tennessee. I figure maybe it just hasn't been updated yet, I have had a few shipments of various things that the Tracking was updated until after it was delivered. In the afternoon I see a Fed Ex truck park outside my house and I am so excited. The driver went to another house, slowly walked empty handed back to his truck and starts to pull away. What are the odds another person on my street, specifically across the street from my house would get a Fed Ex delivery when I was expecting a package?

I keep checking and it is Tennessee all day. I call Apple about my iTouch and get an appointment to go to the store to have them look at the iTouch. So now I have a second day without my toys. I think I am going through withdrawal. I want the use of my electronics back ASAP. How did I even survive before I had a laptop and iTouch?

Today I was up and see that the charger is still in Tennessee and now I am upset. It definitely shouldn't take this long. Then I see a second e-mail for Apple. The part is now in California. Now that is so not in the correct direction. It is one of the farthest points it could have been from New York State. I also see that the email says the repair is complete. Oh no it isn't I say (of course I am talking to myself like usual).

I called up Apple for the third time in three days. They find out the shipping label fell off in transit. I have shipped items with UPS and Fed Ex and have found the labels to be pretty much fall off proof. They will resend the part and we go through all the steps to get it. Now I am almost late for my appointment about the iTouch. I get my daughter all strapped in to her car seat and I realize my keys are in my locked house.

Of course they are, it just goes with the way the last few days went. I manage to get in and retrieve my keys and now I am late for my appointment. Deep breaths I keep telling myself, I am going to get the iTouch repaired I just bought it so it is under warranty. I just have to wait a bit to get it back.

Did you know that there is a strip in an iTouch that changes color if it gets exposed to a lot of water? I do because the Apple guy showed me it. He said that the unit was SUBMERGED in water, not by me it wasn't. All I have to say is the my daughter is lucky that I don't know for sure if she did it and that I was in a very public place when I found out about it. They then inform me that it would cost me $199.00 to replace it. Now that is significantly less than the original purchase price, but it just isn't my budget anytime soon to proceed with the replacement.


On the way home I go to McDonald's and they forget to give me my complete order and no straw either . I totally forget to get my daughter soccer shin pads for her game tomorrow. No shin pads means that she can't play. I find out that a gift that I sent a friend of mine didn't get to her. I shipped her an empty box. It was a pretty box but it was supposed to have two bracelets inside of it. I go to where I put the extra pretty sparkly silver boxes and they are gone. This time I know my daughter has them. Of course she claims she doesn't have them and a battle of wills was fought. At least I won that battle.

Tomorrow I have a soccer game in the morning and a three mile walk afterwards. I can only hope that it will be a good day and break this comedy of errors pattern that this week has thrown at me.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tarot Treasure

Recently I was given a special gift. Someone I had never met gave me a collection of books, Tarot Decks, Fairy Decks. In that collection of books were many that I have always wanted to read and just could never afford. This gift came while I was in a crossroads and believe that because of this amazing gift I took the path that I was meant to take.

This gift has motivated me to pick up my studies again. I found a new teacher and know this collection of books will be very handy as I learn.


One of the Tarot Decks I received was my favorite deck. I was given the Celtic Dragon Tarot for my graduation from college. I kept the card with me at all times they were that special to me. When I tried to use a smaller purse (big mistake, no matter how many times I try a smaller purse I end up with a huge purse. I just have to face the facts I am a large purse person.) That deck was kept out of the new purse.

My son has asperger's we know that now. He is lacking impulse control often and that day was one of the days he decided to find out what was in the pretty blue bag that mommy always carries around. I still remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I walked in to find him playing with my cards. One of the cards was never seen again. He eventually found two more of my decks and would find them no matter where I hid them. It was like he was drawn to them

Now we know he has a fixation on cards and we will buy the cheap decks of cards for him. Sometimes at a garage sale I will buy a game that is missing pieces so he can play with the cards. Now that I know he has asperger's I take special care of things I value. I love my son, I know his limitations and I know mine.

Now once the kids go to bed I take the cards out and practice with them. I learned my lesson and am so thankful I got a second chance with this deck and a first chance with many other beautiful decks. They are valued and loved and locked up to protect them.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Parade

Today my Cub Scout Pack walked in our Memorial Day Parade. I had forgotten how torturous it is while waiting our turn to begin. First we all met at the Elk Lodge. Some of the boys were upset that they couldn't ride on the float, but that is a Boy Scout rule not mine. One of the boys found a bullet and I made sure it was not going home with him. How would that conversation go if something went wrong?

Then we walked and walked to get to the starting point. Oops we were going to the wrong spot so we turned around and went back to where we started. One of the vehicles turned there and the other didn't. Well, we practiced our what to do in the woods if your lost, stay in one spot, technique and it worked. The float came back and told us to go to to another location. If we had known that originally then we could have been there already.

So we walked some more and got to where we were supposed to be and still couldn't find them, we found a break in the parade and crossed the street. Soon we stumbled upon them and we were so relieved. Then of course we realized that we had quite a wait before we started. It was enough time for a game of tag, a snack and time for more confusion of when we start.
Grandma (my Mom) had my little girl. She was pampered on that float. She got a nice hair style, a cushy spot to sit and all the cold water she wanted to drink.

Daddy led the Elks by holding the flag like usual.

Then we finally started. There was a lot of starting and stopping and walking. We even had a little razzle dazzle (think Stripes) when the Cubs switched sides so that parents and grandparents could see them better.

Sure there was some complaining, it was a long wait, there also was a lot of fun. The Pack exchanged salutes with members of the military and other's watching the parade and we had cheers all along the route. People were trilled to see a Cub Scout Pack marching in the parade. We would have people ask us where we were out of and what Pack # we were.
Next year we will have a Pack Flag and will have flyers announcing where we meet and when, Hopefully we can get a few new scouts from this. We also will have a pre parade activity to occupy the boys while we wait for our turn in the parade to avoid the look of despair that I saw on my son's face. I think I will also get better shoes too.

Sunday, May 24, 2009



Today I woke up and thought it would be a great day. I had no plans and the kids were playing nicely with each other. My husband was as always camped out on the couch watching some sport or another. Then my bubble burst my daughter runs in and announces that her brother is coloring her with food coloring. I try not to keep things like food dye in the house where the kids will find them. So I hid the food dye in the glove compartment of my car. That was a place they never looked, until today that is.

So her left arm form the elbow down is green. I don't mean splotches of green, I mean solid, Incredible Hulk green. Instead of overreacting I walkaway and look up removing food dye from skin on the computer. The first link I found mentioned toothpaste. So I go into the bathroom and get her daddy out of there, he is just yelling and making it worse, I grab the toothpaste and wash her arm with it.

It worked. They smell minty fresh too. The toothpaste is all gone but the Hulk look is also gone. The story doesn't get any better though at this point. I get in the car to get more toothpaste and I notice the four small american flags I bought yesterday are gone.

I asked my husband where they were and he said casually that the kids took them into the back yard. Again I take a deep breath. If infuriated me that he was so casual about the kids playing with something they weren't allowed to. I had hoped that they would have some respect for the flag. I simply asked that they be put back where they belonged by the time I got home. I thought that was something he could handle.

It was at least an hour later that I came home. I pulled into the driveway to see no flags where they belonged. I pulled into the backyard and it was a wreck. Now Mommy is MAD. I had the kids come outside and find the flags and pick up the yard. Then when I came inside I asked their father why the flags weren't where they belonged. His reply — "Well I asked them to do it." Like that was all it would take. He asked and never checked to see if it was done, he didn't even ask about it until I came home.

Of course by now chaos was approaching fast. When I get to upset I shutdown and I try to prevent that from happening. But when he gets upset he just tells you over and over again what you did to get him upset until you are just as mad as he is. Then he is done and sits down and can't understand why you are so upset.

I am so frustrated by days like this. I am a single parent in a two person house. Maybe it would be easier without him, I will have one less person to watch and parent. It's frustrating to be a wife to someone that you keep parenting. It's frustrating parenting an adult over and over again. Eventually I will have enough, I probably should have had enough by now.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Three Weeks of Excellent Behavior

There he goes

My son walked out of school today and I could tell he was looking for me. As soon as he saw me he ran up to me gave me a huge hug. He then announced that he had a green day, and three full green weeks at school. Since he started to take his meds his behavior has been amazing.

The difference has been so noticeable that the principal has even noticed and teachers from other grades have also. There have been other differences as well. I can read his handwriting again. He also is coloring much neater. I see that he stays within the lines and is taking time to pick put colors that complement the picture that he is coloring.

The hard part is coming up. His teacher is recommending that he take summer classes in reading and writing. He missed a lot this year when he wasn't on his meds and his work was sloppy and done so quickly that he probably didn't get much out of it. The class is optional and he really doesn't want to do it.

I want him to do it for the same reasons his teacher wants him too. I don't know which way his daddy will vote on this subject. It is summer and I know he will want to be out and have fun, but it is just the mornings. The afternoons would be for fun, hopefully in the sun.

He also will have to miss a few days near the end of the course because we will be camping. I would imagine that we are not the only family with summer plans that might have children in the program. I know when I had to take summer school there were times that students couldn't be there because of pre-planned vacations.

Hopefully the combination of the meds and summer school if he goes will allow him to catch up with his class so next year when he starts school it will be a more even playing field. Hopefully next year I will not worry as much when school begins. I see that he can be a good student. I have seen that he knows how to behave in school. When he is given the chance with his meds he is a well mannered well behaved little boy. His three weeks of green days has shown me that I have been doing a good job as a mommy too.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Good Time at the Book Fair


Tonight we went to a book fair. This is something that has always caused friction between us. I am a reader. I love books, I need books. To me it is unthinkable not to have books all around me. He has no interest in literature. He challenges me almost every time I buy books because in his mind they are unnecessary and something that is frivolous.

The children have a library, it takes up several book shelves and as often as the kids pick out books to read, they also use the books as toys. They stack them and play school. They use the books as plates for a pretend restaurant and also for the menus. The book can be almost anything. To me that is using their imagination, to him they are a source of clutter and a mess. Often they are, but they are never collecting dust and I watch them page through the books trying to read them and every night we read a pile or two of books. Books are a huge part of my house.

The book fair was buy one book get one book free. How can I pass that up? Before I even get there I anticipate the trill of new books for the children. It is always nice to introduce a new book to the children. Then I recall all the other book fairs we have been to. The complaining about spending money on books, the feeling of aggravation because I have to limit the kids to just a few books when it is clear to me they want more. It is so hard to say no to books.

One of the things I did differently was wearing the right clothes. When you walk into a situation that most likely aggravate you, you don't want to be overheated because you are wearing the wrong outfit. The school is always to warm for me and I always get annoyed extra fast because I usually forget that it will be to warm. It may seem like nothing but I know if I am annoyed that I am too warm any little thing can set me off.

Still some sort of effort had to be made by him. P picked out two things (not books, though the deal was if he got them then I would pick out two books for him) and paid. Then B found her two books and paid. Then I found the books for P and a couple bonus books (the educational ones of course). Not once did he complain out loud. He didn't roll him eyes. He was actually pleasant.

So tonight we read brand new books. We learned a bit about South Carolina too. We enjoyed the books and not once did I get grief from him about spending our money stupidly. Not once did we even bicker a little bit. So I firmly believe that both of us are putting some effort into us. Still we are in separate rooms I the house and I still sleep alone. I hope this is a step back to us.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Adventures in Cooking

I love to cook. I have used recipes as a guide but usually add a little here and change a bit there. Other times I just look at what we have in the pantry and create my own dish. Today was one of those days. I was just in a creative mood.

I started by dicing two small zucchini into small chunks and chopped up about a third of a medium size Vidella onion. I threw them into a frying pan with a TBSP of butter and cooked them until they were soft. Then I added a can of diced tomatoes and a small bag of frozen corn.

I added some salt and pepper but it was missing something. I have a bag of Key Limes and thought an acid would really perk this up. So I cut about 4 or 5 Key limes in half and juiced them over the pan and added some pulp. Wow it was fantastic, if I do say so myself. Even my super picky husband loved it.

My children however tell me it tastes like rotten tomatoes. Now they have never eaten a rotten tomato so I really don't know what they think a rotten tomato tastes like. They just like the most boring foods. Unless it is ice cream. I bet they would eat any flavor ice cream and love it. Though I think Zucchini flavor Ice cream would be a bit much.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Calgon Take Me Away

When we have a fight we can fight loud and with venom in our voices. Neither one of us wants to back down. I am no angel in a fight. I do try to stop them when I can. But I can only try to get me to stop. No matter what I do I can't get him to stop and often when I try it just becomes worse. I get physically ill after our fights and it can take a long time for me to come down after a fight,

When I catch us in a fight, sometimes they are sneaky and we end up fighting so slowly that all of a sudden you realize that you are fighting and ready explode. When I can catch myself and take a step back I usually ask him to just stop. Not to tell him what to do. Though usually when I say "Stop" he takes it as me trying to control him. He accuses me of not letting him say what he needs to.

I get so tired of the same arguments over and over again that I do ask him to simply stop so we can calm down and hopefully work things out without the arguing. The arguing has gotten so v=bad that sometimes I get ill after the argument. Sometimes it is in public or in front of the children. When I see a scenario like that occurring I ask him to stop.

When we are not fighting I mention to him why I ask him to stop. It is not to control him but rather to allow us a break and time to solve our problem after we cool down. I have suggested using a code word, but no matter how I try to stop the fight he has to continue it until he is done. It doesn't matter if I have even agreed to what his point is. He just has to get it out. It is like a compulsion for him.

The kids have noticed that we fight a lot. Other people have to. I admit my part in it. I am not perfect and when I get mad I can definitely explode. When I get real mad I sometimes find it hard to control myself. Sometimes I don't even know how I am behaving. It is like a switch is flicked on in my reign to stop me from being aware. Strong emotions can make my brain shut down. Once I was so mad I stood at a corner where there was a signal light and I didn't know if I could cross or not. I could see the color of the light and just could not remember if It meant go or stop.

I hate feeling that helpless and now if I find myself approaching that level of anger I do all I can to stop it. He has admitted to me that he doesn't care if it is a bad time or place for an argument. He has to say what he has to say when he has to say it and that is just the way it will be. So now to avoid the arguments from happening I stay in a different room from him and sleep in a different room from him. We have less arguments but we also have less good times too. I wonder if there is a solution to our arguments

Monday, May 18, 2009

Summer Projects and Plans


This is the time of year where I have so many ideas of how I want to improve my house and yard. I would love to put in a patio, get some lawn furniture and an awning for some summer fun. I would love a flagstone wall in the front yard around my flower gardens. I want to build an extension to my laundry room so I have room for sorting, folding and storing our clothes.

This year I also find my self wanting to do more for the Cub Scout pack. We want to expand by having a Boy Scout Troop for the Middle and High School boys. We have a summer Pack Camping coming up and I have visions of camp equipment going through my head. I know if I walk into Gander or EMS I will start drooling over all the camping supplies. I just had Liquid Fuel Training and am starting to think about camping stoves and lanterns.

Then I start thinking of things for the kids to do this summer. We already have Scouts and Soccer and today I stumbled up on an Irish Dance class for my daughter. I can't wait to sign her up. Luckily the summer program is a less expensive class so I can see if she likes it before I have to shell out the big bucks. I can't wait to watch her dance. It will be nice to have a Mommy/Daughter activity this summer. She gets so jealous of scouting sometimes.

I wish I could do more of the things I think of doing over the summer. All the ideas get whirled around my head as I dream about them. Most of them get put on hold because of money and/or time. Usually activities with the children get done and one or two smaller outside projects get done also. If I look back on summers past I will see projects eventually getting done, so I try not to feel defeated when the flagstone wall gets put off again.

I do try to get al least one Mommy Project done. Last year I had a couple gardens put in. this year I hope to improve on them by making them raised beds. Hopefully then the pond that my gardens became last year will just be a memory. I told the kids when the raised beds are done they will each have a small garden to call their own. Maybe that will help them to lean not to dig in Mommy's garden and ruin her flowers.

So I have all my summer pipe dreams and now I start the horrible task of deciding what I can realistically do on my budget and what projects will be set aside for yet another year. I know someday my summer projects will get done, unfortunately it just won't be this year.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

My Son is Proud of Me

My son and I agree that one of the best decisions I have made was getting involved in the Boy Scouts of America. He is finishing up his first year in Cub Scouts this year. At the beginning of the school year I made the "mistake" of asking the powers that be at his school why there wasn't a pack at the school. They replied that it was a fantastic idea and I should get started on getting a pack started at the school.

So I called the Council Headquarters in our area and said I wanted to start a pack. Then I hounded them at Council because I hadn't heard a response back. I had a functioning pack started at my sons school at the beginning of the new year. Luckily I must have passed my enthusiasm on to the incoming parents because so many stepped up to help me get the pack started. I couldn't have done it without them and thankfully I have their help now to keep it going.

Today I had a full day of Baloo (Basic Adult Leader Outdoor Orientation) training at one of the local scout camps. Of course because we were supposed to be outside it poured. I thought it would have been better weather because I brought my raincoat. Usually that is enough to keep the "liquid sun" away. I was awake at 6:30 am to get ready to leave. If you know me you would know that this is a miracle. I am not a morning person. Not even a little bit. I was out of the house on the road at 7:00 am.

I have rarely had such a great time being awake that early. We would bounce from activity to activity and we didn't even really know what time it was. Gasp!!! I can't believe that I could function without a clock guiding me through my day. I am one of those people that has to know what time it is at all times. Well, the world didn't end today because I didn't know what time it was.

I also was amazed at how many people there today were people I knew, some through my past year in Cub Scouting, and some from my College days. It truly is a small world when you run into three people you knew from 25 years earlier at Cub Scout training. By the end of the day we all were friends.

I am signed up for more training next month. I know I will be involved with Cub Scouts for the long haul. My son is excited about going to summer camp and all the fun that he will have next year. He is going to march in a parade this month. Next month he will participate in a Flag Day ceremony at his grandparents Elk Lodge. I am so proud of him too. He brags to his friends that his mommy started a cub scout pack for him. I know he is proud of me too.

An Ordinary Day


Today was an ordinary day. Noting exciting and better yet nothing awful happened. We didn't fight and we managed to go to a family gathering without anything negative happening. I'll take a day like today, I would like a month like today. It was relaxing and low stress. Ordinary is what I want.

It was a birthday party for my nephew. My husband was sociable and pleasant to be around. It was like the first few years of our marriage. Those were the good years. The years when we had fun. The years when we didn't worry about money. Those were the years when I was working. I was able to get out of the house and mingle with friends on a regular basis.

We would be spontaneous and just do things in the moment. Oh how I miss those days. I miss playing poker and having a game night with friends. I miss quiet evenings at home where we would play a board game and be able to leave it set up overnight if we didn't finish playing it.

I love being a mommy, but I miss being a wife. Today being a mommy is how I function most of the time. Everyday I have to get the children to play nicely with each other, I have to keep them from hurting each other. I have to break up fights between all three other members of my family. Though today I didn't have to much of that.

Today was the kind of day I want more of. I want them to play outside with friends and not have to stand guard to make sure nothing horrible happen. I want to be able to talk with other adults without having to cringe whenever my spouse opens his mouth because I am afraid of what he might say.

I don't know what was different about today, but I didn't cringe when he spoke. I didn't worry that my son would hurt one of the other children playing with him. I sat down and talked with adults, I had my children playing nicely outside. I sat next to my husband on a couch and didn't pull away when he touched me. Today was just an ordinary day, a glorious ordinary day.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Changes Over The Years, Changes Yet to Come

In the last fifteen years I have done many things to better myself. I finished my bachelors degree, I am starting a master's program in education. When I suffered from post pardon depression I sought treatment. I try to be more physically fit, thought I admit that attempt at bettering my self doesn't seem to be panning out. I started driving even thought the thought of driving a car still terrifies me. I faced some of my greatest fears and didn't let them win.

I may not have taken advantage of all opportunities to better myself, I know I am not perfect and I definitely know I make mistakes, sometimes a lot of them. But I think the me of today is an improvement of the me that I was when we started dating.

Today I again discussed my husband having Asperger's Syndrome. He of course can't see it, I pointed out that he doesn't have good social skills, he doesn't understand body language or non-verbal communication. He got defensive right away. I am not a doctor so my skills in observation can't be right. No matter how many similarities I see between our son and him there must be another explanation.

A disagreement happened. I asked him to see a doctor if my observations don't matter. Even if it is ADHD, we can then get a diagnosis and a treatment plan. He refuses. He doesn't want to improve, he said he is happy just they way he is. The way he was fifteen years ago. I am sure some minor changes have occurred. He has a better job, he is a good father. So there has been some improvement.

He fights change, when we were given the opportunity to move out of our old house he almost wouldn't do it. The old house that I broke my ankle in, where I almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning, The old house that was falling apart around us, where there was a level 3 sex offender 7 doors away from us. The old house that was around the corner from a drive by shooting. In the neighborhood that I wouldn't take a walk alone in. I had to persuade him to move, He still says he would have rather stayed in that house and if we didn't have children we would still be there.

His job would pay for him to go to school, to get a college eduction and degree that could allow him to get a better job from his company. He had a bad first experience with college and won't try to go back to school because he assumes it will be the same. Even when I offered to help him he wouldn't risk the chance that it will be the same as he remembered it.

So he announced plainly and simply that he likes who is and he won't do anything different. He doesn't want to change. He is actually happy with the way we are now, separated but living in the same house, he in the living room and me in the bedroom. I am not going to live like this much longer. Once I can stand alone without him I think I will have to make a permeant break. I wonder what he will think of that change.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Night of the Burning Ears

When my son hurts himself there is nothing little about it. The injury itself might be minor, it might be something that another person wouldn't even notice, but to him it is the worse thing ever. If you close your eyes and listen to him when he is hurt it sounds like he is dying. Unfortunately I have been listening to this expression of pain for so long that I don't jump when I hear that he is hurt. Usually it is a bump or scrape or maybe a minor cut.

For the last couple of months at bedtime he has been complaining of his ears burning. His ears do turn bright red and I know it must be bothering him. Though if you just listen to him and see the expression on his face you would think he is being tortured. This happens inconsistently and only at bedtime. At first we thought it was a tactic to get out of going to bed. We also thought maybe he was leaning on his ear and it was going numb.

Well, last night it was the usual cries of agony multiplied by at least ten. There was no comforting him. It was torture to me, not being able to help my child who was obviously in pain. Even if the pain is less than it sounds it still had to be pretty bad. He had tears running down his face and a look of fear because he didn't know what was happening. There was no comforting him. He wouldn't let us touch him and he was screaming so loud I thought the neighbors would call the police to make sure everything was okay.

So today I call the doctor, I wanted to make sure it wasn't an ear infection. I warned him that I might have to take him out of school for the appointment and I did. Once at the appointment and I described what was occurring he seemed to know what was going on. It sounds like he let his ears get too cold during the winter. Not quite frostbite cold but colder than recommended.

This is from the ears recovering from being too cold. It will eventually go away. So we just have to deal with it. Pain relievers may or may not work. The best solution he could give me was a tight headband holding his ears tight against his head. Pressure often seems to relieve the symptoms of this.

He will wear a knit hat and hood from now on in the winter. The only times I wasn't vigilant on his headwear this last winter was when he was playing at a friends or playing hockey with his father. I plan on having earmuffs, and all sorts of gear to put on his ears next winter. Now I have to hope that the worse nights of his burning ears are over and my nights will be scream free for a while.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I'm a Soccer Mom (Again)

This is the third year that I am a soccer mom. The first year was an indoor league. The last two have been outdoor leagues. This year my daughter is on a team too. She was so excited when I told her that the coach called me and they would be on the same team. All week she was counting down the days to her first soccer practice. This morning she woke me up by jumping on me and announcing that she had soccer practice today. She is getting way too good at days of the week.

As the day continued she went to school and home again, we picked up her brother and they grudgingly ate dinner. Practice got closer and closer. Finally it was 6:30 and they could bear it no longer, the wanted to go NOW!!! Never mind it was still 30 minutes before practice was supposed to start. They went to the car, opened the door and sat in the backseat waiting impatiently for Mommy and Daddy to get their acts in gear and get moving.

We get there and they run from the car to the soccer field. They don't know where they are supposed to meet their team, but they know where the soccer fields are so they bolt and then look for their team. Luckily I asked the coach what she looked like so I could find the kids team. We lead the children to her and introduced them to the coach. They looked like they would just burst from all the anticipation.

While we waited for the rest of the team to get there, remember we were pretty early, the kids had the full field to run around on and get some of that energy burned off.

Before the Practice

Our daughter was actually leaping and jumping across the field.


Though they were both momentarily distracted by the track meet occurring right next to them.

Watching the Track Meet

They stretched...


They ran...

Warmup Running

They worked on ball handling skills...


Practiced kicking...

Learning to kick

Throwing the ball into play...

Throwing the Ball in

and Team Spirit.

Team Cheer

They had a lot of fun...

He Loves to Play Soccer

They relaxed...

Taking a Break

Made faces...


and Pouted.

She is Tired

All of the parents sat at the sidelines and cheered the children on. We laughed at some of the moments and fought the urge to run up to our children and help. The coach is a high school soccer player and she has such a great repore with the children. I think this will be another great season. May 30th is first game, the same morning as the Summit Walk for Autism. It will be a fun filled day for the whole family. Let's Go Sharks!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

I'm So Tired

I hate having to do everything. It's not that I need things done a certain way, I just need them done. I need the lawn mowed without the borrowed lawn mower getting a bent blade. I need things put way where they belong, not just shoved where ever they fit at that moment. I want to ask my husband for help around the house without having to wait for him to feel like helping me.

When I have to think about hiring someone to help me in the house when I have someone capable of helping me in the same house I feel cheated. I grew up watching my father help my mother around the house. When she needed shelves in the kitchen he built them. When she needed the lawn mowed he cut it. He took the garbage out, he did so much for her.

Today he can't walk and still he does things around the house. Not as much as he used to but he still does things. Why do I get the husband who does nothing? Why do I get the husband who sits on the couch and watches sports all day long? Why do I have the husband who tries to arrange bedtime for the kids around a whistle in a hockey game? Why does my husband try to get out of reading a bedtime story to the kids any chance he gets?

What is worse is he is perfectly happy doing nothing? Because he won't do anything I end up doing more and more until now happens. Until I find myself doing more and more and not able to finish most of it. I am overwhelmed and understaffed. I wish I had about 50 people to help me get his house back in order. The more I work on the house the more I find that needs to be done and the more I find I have to do on my own.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day 2009

I woke up to both my children jumping up and down on the bed. I was presented with a piece of toast with salmon cream cheese (my favorite) on it. My children made it all by themselves. It was very yummy. Then came the cards. Of course they were Hallmark cards. It is an unwritten rule in our family that we only buy Hallmark cards. This tradition started when I was a child and my father was poking fun at the Hallmark commercials. He would always turn over the cards he got to make sure they were the best, Hallmark cards so we just started only buying Hallmark. Its funny how some traditions start.

My son also made me a box for seashells, a bank from a baby food jar and some very nice drawings. Then came the real gift. Daddy took the kids to Michael's yesterday for a Make and Take craft for Mother's Day. Both children made me a very nice charm necklace.


I have two of the same thing so I switched the chains. That way no matter which necklace I wear (and I can't tell the difference at all) both children contributed to it.

It has been a very nice Mother's Day. The only way it could be better was if it was warm enough to work in the garden. But I know what the weather is like here. So I do what I can when I can and stop hopping for more. Someday soon I will get the gardens al done, just not on Mother's Day.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

My Shade Garden Survived

I cleaned out one more garden today and was trilled to find that my Trillium survived. I bought a couple plants last year and once I transplanted them into my garden they seemed to not do well. They are sensitive plants and are protected by law in New York State.

Picking Trillium for their flower can seriously injure the plant. The three leaves (more correctly leafy bracts) below the flower are the plant's only ability to produce food stores and a picked trillium can take many years to recover. For this reason in many areas, e.g. British Columbia, Michigan, New York, Minnesota, and Washington, it is illegal to pick and/or transplant trilliums from public lands without a permit from the State (

I thought for sure that they wouldn't be back this year. Once I cleared away all the old leaves and grass that had overgrown my shaded garden I saw that the two trillium plants had comeback and were getting ready to flower.


My ferns also transplanted to my garden last year and again withered away and died soon after are coming back too. In fact once I cleared away all the grass and dead leaves I saw that all my hostas were back too. It looks like my shade garden will be doing quite well this year. I wonder what I will add to it for next year? Maybe my 50 Grecian windflowers, they will add some nice color to the shades of green mix I have planted already.

Front Garden

Friday, May 8, 2009

One is Improving and the Other is Falling Further Away

It is official my son had a perfect week behavior wise at school. I was so proud of him. He even had a second grade teacher give him a prize for having such a great week. Daddy took him out for ice cream too. Of course once the meds wear off and daddy goes out to play cards I am left with one wound up little boy. He still doesn't have a good way to defuse his anger. He can explode without warning and usually it is B who ends up in the line of fire.

I find myself almost envious of his teacher because she now has the opportunity to spend time with him when he is at his best. I miss all of that. By the time he gets home the meds are waring off and he starts to stim again. He has trouble with his impulse control and at some point that evening I know he will do something to cross the discipline line and I am going to have to be the mean mommy.

I also have to keep on eye on his interactions with daddy, because daddy is the same way and when they both blow at the same time I have to get in between them. It is an awkward position for a wife and mommy to be in. You want to protect your child and at the same time support your spouse. I now find myself protecting my child more than supporting my spouse. That of course does not help us work out our problems. He really doesn't know how scary he can be.

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and we talked about my marital problems and I mentioned scenarios where we have some major issues and he gave me advice on how to handle them better. The only thing is the advice he gave me was almost exactly what I have been doing. It helped me to know I have been doing many things just as good as I could. I have good instincts on what needs to be dome to fix our marriage. Now if I only could figure out how to get him to work on fixing our marriage too.

I have been researching who to call if I have to take this to the next step. Though the way we are living now is as close to a separation as we could get while still living in the same house. He is sleeping on the couch until I decide otherwise. He was living out of his car for a couple of days, but he was having too much fun. This way at least we both spend time with the children and can still go out and have fun once in a while knowing the other one is home with the kids.

I see how meds are helping my sons behavior and I can't help but wonder what they would do for my husband. I wish he would listen to doctors and believe that they really do know what they are doing. He is so quick to point out those who don't take advantage of modern medicine and die or end up sicker, but he won't take the meds he needs and won't get help for his emotional issues that he has because he sees that as a weakness.

I Worry Way to Much

What a long evening, it was horrible, my internet was out. I know that before I had a computer and before I was on line I managed quite well. Now that I have my laptop and wireless internet I can't seem to live without it. I had to shut my computer down while the internet was out so I wouldn't keep checking. I kept hoping that I was back on line and knew I would do nothing else but obsess over the lack of internet.

I spent the night being buried in pillows by my daughter. This used to be the camel game. Today though I was a kitty. She was driving me around and buying me cereal to eat. She has such an amazing imagination. My son and I would never play like this. The closest thing I have seen him playing that used his imagination was when he was obsessed with the TV show "Dirty Jobs". He even had an imaginary worm who played with him.

It always interest me when I notice the differences between them. I wonder if it is a boy/girl difference or an asperger's/neurotypical difference or maybe just a brother/sister difference. I also notice the many similarities in them and wonder if she mimics some of her brother's asperger's traits or is she another child with asperger's.

She stims by flapping her arms just like her brother, she is obsessed with pink. But then again she is a four year old little girl, so pink is a central part of her life. She is sensitive to sound and some flavors.

Of course I also wonder if I am just another paranoid mommy. I always jump to the worse case scenario. If my husband is late I think he was in a car accident. If the kids are quiet I think they are injured or worse. I drive my parents nuts when their phone is off the hook. I jump in the car if I can and drive over to their house to make sure they are okay. Both are diabetics and dad has trouble walking. It is just my nature to be a worry wart I guess.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

One Week of Meds

I heard from my sons teacher about how he is at school now that he is taking Adderall XR. She gets the good boy during the day and by the time he is home the meds are wearing off and a meltdown is inevitable. So I asked her for some feedback on how his behavior is different than before he started taking the meds

This is the list of her comments

* Less anxious
* Able to tolerate frustration
* Able to adapt to change
* Works well for subs and special area teachers
* Work is neater, complete within a specified time.
* Transitions better
* More focused on task (even writing)
* Quieter voice levels
* Less self stimming behaviors
* Less distracted

I am so proud of him. I know the meds are helping him and allowing him to control his behavior better. He is making the right choices and now his brain is helping when he makes them. He is on his way to a perfect week behavior wise. It has been so long since we saw five green days all in a row. I hope my expectations aren't to much for the first week on his meds.

His appetite is still on the lighter side and he still has trouble falling asleep. On the plus side he is bright-eyed and bushy tailed in the morning. Though I found out something tragic, my son is a morning singer. He was just singing away this morning as he was getting something to dressed and having a before school snack (he eats breakfast at school). I am not a morning person and the last thing I want to hear is happy singing. Though it was cute I have to admit.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Hardest Change

I am so tired of him saying one thing and meaning another. I am tired of not knowing what he means and getting yelled at because I couldn't see what he meant to say. I am just so tired. I can only do so much before I just stop. I am the one who looks at the clock and keeps our family on a schedule. I am the one who fixes the frayed nerves of everyone else by the end of the day. I solve the arguments and keep us on track. When do I get my down time?

What I hate the most are the "asperger's fights" as I call them. When daddy and son both are stuck on their own stubborn idea and neither will budge I have to step in. I hate leaving them alone because if this happens without me around who will step in the keep the peace? I know m husband hasn't been diagnosed with asperger's but all evidence points in that direction.

He needs help, he needs to accept help. But he won't, at least I have nothing that leads me to believe that he will ever seek help. He uses such strong language of hatred whenever the subject is opened.

I know that I am at the door about to walk out, or rather ready to have him walk away. Still I don't hate him. I think that is why this is so hard for me. I still love him, but I definitely don't like him right now. If sounds like a conflict and I could never understand when I heard other people say similar things. Right now I worry about him. What will happen when all of this is over? Will he be able to handle it?

He has always said that our marriage would survive. He just knows it will all work out in the end. But he will put no effort into repairing all the cracks and chunks that have fallen out. If reminds me of people who are so religious that they are convinced that God will provide, what ever the crisis weather it be health or another crisis, God will save them. God could be saving them by the offered help, such as medical help, but they don't accept it and the worse thing happens. Oddly he can see it very clearly when others do that, but he can't see that he is doing the same thing that he mocks others for doing.

I fear this summer, I see no joy coming with it this year. I think I will be going through thinks I never thought I would have to do. I don't know how I will manage, and I am thankful for my friends and family who have given me so much support in the last few weeks. I see that he can't change so I am the one that will have to make the hardest change I think.

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Tale of the Purple Peppers

A few years ago while shopping in my local supermarket I saw with the peppers some purple peppers. Since I love to try new foods I bought one. I had no idea that this was the beginning of a quest that would span years. I was so excited to try it and I was even more surprised when I cut it open. The inside of the pepper was green.


Of course when you find an unusual food in the local supermarket the odds of finding them again is slim. Over the years I have only found them two maybe three times in the stores. So I decided to try to grow them when I finally got a yard suitable for a garden.

Last year I found a packet of pepper seeds. It was a variety pack, but some of them were purple peppers. I planted a large group of peppers and watched them grow. I was so excited when I saw flowers, they looked a little small to me, but I had never grown peppers before so I assumed it was just the way they grew. Soon where the flowers were there was small green bulbs. Oh the beginning of my peppers. I watched them, and watched them, and then they stopped getting bigger.

What was happening? I had planted grape tomatoes too and they were a little larger than my peppers. That didn't seem right, were they mini peppers? Was there such a thing? The seed packet was long gone, so maybe I had bought minis, but they all were turning red. Oh No! They all had grown into cherry tomatoes. I was heart broken.

I had not bought tomato seeds, the grape tomatoes I grew were from a grape tomato that I bought at the supermarket. (I wish I had saved some of the seeds from the purple peppers that I had bought.) I couldn't believe that I had all these tomatoes. The seed packet was long gone, I couldn't contact the seed company. So we had tomatoes on everything last year.

This year I started going to nurseries to find purple peppers. I found some chocolate peppers which might end up being purple but I bought seeds again this year. Of course I am putting the seed packet in a safe place, maybe I will put it in the fire-safe. It won't get damaged and tossed if it is in that. I am bound and determined to get a purple pepper this year.

I have every seed in that pepper variety pack planted and a bunch of people lined up to adopt some of the plants. They have even agreed to give me some seeds from any purple pepper that they grow. There must be an easier way to get the produce that you crave. Next year I will try to grow purple potatoes. What can I say, I like purple produce.


Sunday, May 3, 2009

Planting Our Gardens

My son and I went to a couple nurseries today and he really seems to genuinely love plants and gardening. He was so excited when I said he could pick out his own plants. He inspected all the choices within his price range and asked me what they were called (thankfully they were all well labeled). He finally picked yellow and orange marigolds and pink begonias. Then we picked out sunflower seeds for our sunflower wall. He finally got bored when I was searching for my purple peppers. The tale of the purple peppers is a whole story by itself.

We managed to finish one more garden is done today, despite the help of my children. I have it surrounded with bricks from my Nana's home (my brother lives there now). I admit I really wanted to use large river rocks but bricks with a history is almost as good. The bricks have been there for two days and I have told the children the penalty for moving the bricks. Maybe they should touch them, we need to get rid of some toys (insert evil laugh here).

I dug a circle around our little tree in the front yard. I added top soil and used a seeded mat to start some pretties under the tree.  P bought 8 flowers today at a nursery and he helped me plant them under the tree too. I hope this garden grows nice. It is the first one I have dug myself and planted. Usually I have someone till my gardens for me, but this was so small that I was sure I could do it.

Tree Garden
Now the fun part was adding some top soil to the garden. This is where the kids insisted on helping. The lure of them being allowed to play in the dirt was overwhelming for them. I of course let them "help" It is not too much money to buy more top soil if I needed it. One child had a cup and the other one had a shovel. An amazing thing happened while they added to soil to the garden. They shared the tools. They actually traded the cup and shovel with no prompting from me. It's a good thing I was sitting down.

The next step was watering the garden. My son helped me with that today. He loves to water my plants. Mostly because somehow while he is watering the plants he manages to get completely drenched by the water. Now that is a great trick when you are supposed to be behind the water.

The poor garden was watered so quickly that I had to redirect his attempts to give it more water. I reminded him that he needed to give the plants a chance to drink the water, not swim in the water. Tomorrow is the last garden in the front of the house. All that remains is the sunflower wall and hopefully my vegetable garden in the backyard. Luckily the vegetable garden is in topsy turvy planters and hangs from my porch rafters. This year my peppers had better not become tomatoes.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

I Felt a Disturbance in the Force

One of the side effects of my son's meds is difficulty falling asleep. The first night after he took the meds he fell asleep with no difficulty. Phew I thought to myself, I guess we dodged that bullet. Well, no such luck. I went to bed that night not knowing what was about to happen.

I was happily dreaming comfy cozy in my bed all snuggled in my blanket. Then I felt a disturbance in the force something wasn't right so I forced myself to wake up and I glance at the clock. It was 4:40 a.m. and the lights were on in the living-room and kitchen. That was definitely not how I left them. Now I was worried that maybe someone broke in so I listened before I said anything. I picked up the phone and dialed 911 put my finger on the talk button just in case.

Then I hear giggling, cute little giggles from more than one child. Seriously, now I'm mad. I saw my son enter the hallway and then my daughter. "What are you too doing awake and playing in the kitchen in the middle of the night?" P quickly announced he woke up and wasn't tired anymore. I remembered the lack of sleep side-effect and I took deep breath. Then with my 4 a.m. haze wearing off I inquire about why B was awake. P said he woke her up so he could have someone to play with.

So now I have new rules, if you wake up in the middle of the night you come into Mommy's room and let me know. Under no circumstances are you allowed to wake-up your sibling. Nor are you allowed to play in the kitchen or any other room. You are especially not allowed to go outside (I threw that one just so I wouldn't have to add it at a later date).

These rules are added to my growing list of rules I never thought I would have to make. The first one on that list was from when my son was two. It was "No Licking People". Rules later added were "No Climbing on the Television" "No Dumping Food and Playing With it in any Room" and my favorite "No Writing on the Celling". I love being a Mommy.

He THINKS the kids are playing at a friends

I visited with my parents this afternoon and so my spouse was I assumed watching the children. I should have known better. I come home to a backyard full of toys scattered about and wood piled on my porch that I specifically told my son, in front of his father, that he needed to clean up and put away before I came back. I climb over all the piles and walk in the house, no children and there he is sleeping on the couch.

I woke him up and asked where the children were and he said that he thinks they are at a friends house. This has happened before, he has even not known that the children were at a friends house down the street. That was both children, including our daughter who was three at the time.

I am not going to yell at him about this, I am beyond yelling. I sometimes wonder if it worth my effort to even work on our marriage. I keep doing all I can and don't see him making any effort except telling me he loves me more. This is just wearing me down and I don't think I can keep doing it for long.

I see my psychologist and psychiatrist next week. Maybe that will help. It really does help me to get another person's perspective. I am just so tired of this struggle. Do I give up or do I keep fighting for this marriage? How do I even know if it is?

He accidently breaks things and doesn't feel a need to apologize. He is selfish, he only remembers to do things if it will help him. I try to do all I can so he can get help for himself, again and again he pushes that help away. I don't think he believes that I am on the edge and about to jump off. This week will be an instrumental week in what I decide and that decision is coming soon.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Someone He Can Talk to I Hope

Through out this up and down marriage lately I have found the value of talking to other people. I write about things in this blog and have been more open with my family and friends than I ever have. It took a lot of preparation to tell my mom that I was having marriage problems. Once I told her I found out she knew just from watching us. I guess we didn't hide it as well as I thought I was.

The more people I talk to the more I understand the value of friends and family. It was always hard for me to open up to friends as I was growing up and now I just can't stop. I really think if people I went to high school with could see me now they wouldn't believe I was the same person.

So with all the trouble we are having I firmly believe he can't keep all of this bottled in. I really wanted him to see a therapist but I don't think I can win that battle. Marriage has to have some give and take to it. I firmly believe he does need someone to talk to and I told him if he doesn't find someone to talk too that I would see if I could.

I think I did. I clued someone close to him into what has been happening and this person has reached out to him. I can only hope it will lead to him having someone to talk to. I am not expecting a miracle I just know what we have been doing was not working.

I have said If this marriage ends I will not go down without a fight. I have always thought that it is just to easy to get a divorce. If I get divorced I don't want to have doubts that I could have done something different. I want to know I did everything I could to save my marriage.