Sunday, December 27, 2009
What a day, my daughter turned five today. I have been looking so forward to this day. I had her gift picked out for weeks now. She has been so cute counting the days until her birthday. She knows it is after Christmas. She was exited about Christmas, but her birthday was really what she was looking forward to. As a friend has said, she is a whole hand old now.
I ran out of my depression meds the day before Christmas. I thought I had more but I was wrong. I called my doctor to get more but he never called me back. I am not happy about him letting me be off meds for any length of time. When I am off my meds everything can irritate me. I get dizzy and my temper flares. I hate myself when I am off my meds. I can't stop being a mom because I am moody. So I just keep going.
Today was the day I snapped being off my meds. The day started bad, De let me sleep in, but he went to the store to order B's cake. He left the kids home with me sleeping. I woke up to find the kids playing in the living room with no supervision. That really got me upset. When he got home he acted like it was no big deal, after all I was home. How do I get him to understand that if I am sleeping I cannot supervise the children? This has happened before and he still thinks it is no big deal.
We went out to lunch, B wanted chinese food. We got all the way to the buffet, and it was closed. So we went to the Original Pancake house. What a disaster that turned out to be. We are seated and given two menus, there are four of us. I see there is one kids item on the menu. So since we didn't have any other kids menu assumed that was the only selection. We order and the waitress finally takes my drink order. She took P's first. Came back and took B's. Then came back and took D's. Before I could tell her what I wanted she was gone again. How irritating.
So we finally order and the kids are getting restless. I recall they mentioned crayons wen we walked in and none were brought to us. I asked for them again hoping they would occupy the kids. Well, crayons, coloring pages and KIDS MENUES were brought to us. It turns out they had a pretty nice selection including chocolate chip pancakes. Now the kids want chocolate chip pancakes. I am ready to blow because we got the kids menus AFTER we ordered.
The waitress is nowhere to be seen, another waitress asks me if everything is okay, she obviously heard me complaining. She got the manager involved. Well, here is the best part. When our waitress finally reappears she tells me it was a miscommunication. How can it be a miscommunication? If you see kids at the table, bring kids menus. It seems pretty simple to me.
So, I am off my meds and irritated so I am doing all I can to not snap. If I do I know it will be bad. My hubby knows I off my meds. Does he try to make me feel better? Nope, he actually is irritated at me. I am over reacting and have no reason to be upset.
I need to calm down so I ask to stop at a store. No problem he says. On the highway I remind him I want to stop at the store. When we exit I remind him again. He still forgot to stop. In the store while I am checking out I ask hi to put the cart away for me. He was right next to where the carts are and he rolls his eyes and seriously asks me why can't I do it. More often then not if I ask him to do something for me that is the response I get. Then he walks out of the store with the kids while I am still in line.
Everything seems small and petty but everything is also magnified because I am off my meds (my fault I know). I am so mad, mad enough to walk home. I didn't because it was raining. So I go in another store alone just so I have a chance to calm down so I don't flip out in front of the kids. That helped.
We get home and I finally have my refill, now we find out that Dennis' medical insurance doesn't cover my meds unless I meet a $3000.00 deductible. I am freaking out now. I know the plan changes in January and I know the prescription coverage is much better next year. I have six days before that plans kicks in. How am I going to make it? I have reached my breaking point and I snap. He got mad at me. I was yelling for no reason and was being unreasonable he said. He should try being off these meds for two days and have the same symptoms I was having. He would snap too, earlier too I think.
Luckily my pharmacy let me buy a weeks worth of meds, it came to almost $35.00. Thankfully I was given a gift card for Walgreens yesterday. It paid for most of the meds.
It is B's birthday and I am acting horrible and now am snapping at everything. I feel like a horrible mommy and wife. What is worse is I know what is next? When I get this upset, when I snap like this it drains me to the point that I just crash. I get emotionally and physically exhausted and will end up falling asleep.
I tried to stay awake, but after I finally took my meds I did fall asleep and missed the birthday cake. I did get to give her the gift I picked out at least. D didn't know where it was. I ended up sleeping for almost four hours and when I woke up I was feeling better. B told me she had a nice birthday anyway and she loved the present I gave her the best.
Oh, where is D now? Well, a friend called and he went out. This happens every weekend. He works nights all week and when he finally is home on the weekend he goes out, leaving me home and lonely again. I keep trying to reconnect with me, but it is hard when he is never home when we have alone time.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
One of the things my son's reading teacher does for him is to make a new word card ring. It is basically cards with a hole punched in them on a ring. Each card has a new word on it. He lost it about a month ago and the reading teacher just hadn't gotten around to making a new one. We had some new cards with a hole punched in them, just no ring to add them to. We go over these new words and no mention of the missing ring has taken place.
I don't know if the teacher mentioned something about it today or what made my son focus on the missing cards. All I know is one page into reading, maybe he saw a word that was on the cards, he focused on his ring being missing and was determined to find it. When I saw determined I mean so focused that any attempt to get him back on track was meant with so much resistance and was causing him to panic.
To make it even more chaotic Daddy called home to wish the kids good night. Of course my son was in tears explaining to daddy how he was missing the ring (remember it has been missing for at least a month) and he had to find it. Tears are rolling down my sons face and his voice is cracking from all the crying. He really was very upset about his ring being missing and no matter what we said or did nothing was making it better.
No, my son looks in one more spot, he finds the ring under my bed. This is a scary spot to look. I make no claims to being a neat and tidy mom. Under my bed is not a place I clean up often. I can't really recall when I did it last. Obviously it is due to be cleaned again. But somehow my son reached under the bed at the perfect spot. He found his precious ring and we all were happier than I ever thought we could be about finding a ring with about 10 words hooked onto it.
You would think this is the end of the story and everything was fine then, but unfortunately my tale does not end here. We opened up that ring to put the new cards on and the hole to put them on the ring was punched in the wrong corner. I may not be the best housekeeper but my son and I have to have things line up the same way.
We both were trying to figure out how to put these cards on so the words would all go in the same direction. Finally we had to but the new set of cards on backwards and I must admit that is bothering me more than it should right now. I want to get a hole punch and cards and redo the new cards so they will face the same direction as the other cards. He too was troubled by the cards facing different directions, though I have to say he is handling it much better than I am.
So the case of the missing word ring was solved today. I have no idea why it had to be found today, nor how exactly he did find it. We both are calm and he is supposed to be going to bed. He won't let go of the ring so I hope we don't have to search for it again in the morning. Sweet dreams my love, hold tight to that ring.