Books Read in 2014

So Mote it Be

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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

When I Can't Sleep I Think...

This morning a close friend and I were talking about a woman who was being abused and left her abuser and then decided to go back to him.  Her family doesn't understand, nor do most people.  I listened as I struggled to stay awake, knowing that even though I had no sleep I had to work this morning.  I listened...

On my drive to work I thought.  That is what I do when I drive alone, I listen to my music loud and I think.  Today I thought of our conversation and how I too have been abused by the man I am still married too.  I have been hurt by his words, actions and hands.  I started writing this blog in 2009 and I knew then I needed to get out.

I wrote on and off through the years.  Some readers wrote to me with encouragement, others with questions like "Why am I still with him?" or  "Why haven't I moved out?"  and similar thoughts.  Today I can say that I have left him and moved on and I have discovered the will power to stay away from him.  Yes I had friends who helped me get to this point but I had to do the work on my own.  My brain had to figure it all out.  Of course it also helps that whenever I do see him he reminds me why I left.  His words no longer have power over me though.

Today as I drove I thought of when I went back to school, got my master;s degree and something we learned; Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  My minds was wandering as I drive, but still I stayed on the road, both in thought and action.

It is shaped like a pyramid.  Physiological is the base, what we need the most.  Breathing, Food, Water, Sleep, but Sex also is there.  Why?  Because sex is good!  It is not only how we reproduce but it gives us pleasure.  People could argue that we don't NEED it after we reproduce but our bodies and mind prove them wrong over and over again.

We will do the stupidest things for sex.  We also will do some fantastic things for sex.  Sex is something our bodies need, want and desire.  How does this go back to why someone might stay with their abuser?  Sometimes it is for the sex.  Not for me.  That I can say with certainty, but I believe for others this is a reason.  Of course sometimes it is because they provide us with our food, they are in our home, where we sleep.  The base of a pyramid is a powerful place.

The next tier up is Safety.  In that tier we find Security and Safety, Family and Property are here as well.  Why would someone staying with their abuser for safety and security may sound wrong and it is.  But to the abused sometimes to them it is safe.  it is their world and they are comfortable there.  If they stop, leave, seek help or alter their world they may change so much that they are no longer safe.  The mind is a powerful thing and it can make you feel safe in an unsafe condition.

We also need our family and property.  Sometimes knowing you have to leave people or things behind is too much and we just can't do it.  Sometimes it could be your child.  This is where the relationship is cult like.  Ex cult members talk about being shunned by their family when they leave and sometimes this need for family is so strong they will return.  Sometimes the abused return to their abuser for the same reason.

Belonging is the next tier up.  We all need a place to belong and here is where I think the tipping point lies.  It is when we have a sense of belonging that we start to be able to leave our abuser.  This tier may be smaller but it is higher in the pyramid and is strong enough to give us that extra push.  But how do the abused get this feeling?  How is it stronger than Safety?

Honestly it takes one person or one life event.  It just takes one moving pebble to start a landslide.  When one person reaches out to them especially if it is at the right time they will find the strength to leave.  Then I thought, what gave me the strength to leave?  I was miserable, I hated my marriage, I knew I was abused and still I stayed.

The tipping point for me happened when my mom got hurt and my dad needed me.  He needed me, and that gave me the self-esteem to get out and not go back.  I stayed and did all I could for them even after I got so sick I couldn't take care of everyone and me.  I also took time to get to know me again.  I was not the same person who married him 17 years ago.

When my mom did die, I mourned but I had to get away to do it.  I left.  I had a chance to leave and get further away from my ex and I took it.   Some family will say I was selfish, let them!  We all mourn in our own way.  I needed to be away from my family and from my ex.  I was weak then and it would have been so easy to go back.  Instead I ran away.  And I am not sorry that I did.

I had a safe place to stay, a job I enjoyed and people near me who were good for me.  The thing I learned was when people near me were no longer good for me then it is time to move on.  No longer was I going to be caught in my mind or in my reality with someone who was not good for me.  My eyes were opened and my spirit was as well.

This year I have escaped my abuser, I found my father, lost my mother and discovered who among my family and friends had my back and who was just along for the ride.  I met new people who were life changing for me and discovered strength inside myself I never knew was there.  I left my comfort zone and moved up those tiers.  They may get smaller but their meaning grows stronger the higher up you go.

My friend, who knows the abused woman who went back to her abuser, she needs to move up her pyramid.  It won't be her family rushing in to save her, she has to be the one to move up those tiers.  Just be there to lend a hand or shoulder for support.  Hopefully her pebble will move soon, she has to be the one to move it and recognize it though.

That was my drive into work today.  I couldn't sleep so I just thought...

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Autumn is Lonely Without Her this Year

I have always loved the season of autumn.  The colors, the smells, the cooler temperatures and the sounds.  But This year, the first autumn without my mother.  I drove home from the mountains of Pennsylvania and the trees were all changing and beautiful.  When the wind blew you could see the leaves blowing around in the wind following the patters and flow.  I was driving home and about to turn on my street so excited to tell mom about it and show her the photo and then my heart sank because she wasn't there.  She would never see an autumn leaf, she would never see them blowing in the wind again and she would never jump into a leaf pile with B and P again.

In the village we live in, I know it sounds so quaint but I can see the city from my bedroom window so it is rather urban, not all the streets run straight.  Some streets wind and turn and may start at one street but have no real outlet.  Typically these are the more wealthier homes.  No joke I was riding my bicycle down one of the streets and a woman opened her front door.  Out waddled a mama duck and all her ducklings flowing her behind her.  There houses where were we wanted to trick or treat because they would often hand out full size candy bars.

My father is like me he wants to go from point A to point B and get there the fastest way possible.  A straight line was his favorite.  My mother however was led by beauty and by sights and sounds.  If she was driving we would always go down theses streets that were windy and meandered to the next busy street.  Her excuse was she had to see one tree.  I have to admit it was a beautiful tree and when autumn came its colors were spectacular,  She would often stop the car and just sit there and watch the tree.  Sometimes she would find a particularly beautiful leaf that she just had to have.

Now that mom has gone I find myself driving home that same way.  I can't remember which tree was her favorite, but I stop and spend some time with them and remember ow aggravated I was because I wanted to get home to watch TV.  now I just want to sit there and connect with my mother through our love of autumn leaves.

I am Autumn Crow.  Autumn is my favorite season and the Crow is my favorite bird.  My mother loved owls.  I am getting a tribute tattoo designed for her for might shoulder.  I want an owl, a crow and autumn leaves.  If anyone wants to try to design it for me I would love to see your artwork.

We bonded over autumn and treasure our birds.  I miss my mom and I wish she could have seen the autumn views I saw this year.  I love you Mommy and I know you are always with me.

Friday, October 17, 2014

It's my Birthday and I am Taking Charge of Who I am

Today is my birthday, I turn 47.  I'm getting closer to 50. Sigh!  Guess what I do t care.  I a, taking this year, 47 to become me again. Last year I left my ex and he still calls me to help him solve problems. I took care of my Dad, who has dimentia and my mom who started with two brain bleeds and finally after nine months her body just gave up.

I have gotten flack from my family because I got sick and left to recover physically and mentally.  I have discussed it with the, and they want nothing to do with my point of view.  So today is the day I dp say screw it!  I've taken care of others for so long I have forgotten how to take care of me and be me,

This is supposed to be about my New Beginnings. So here is my next one. I am going to find myself and embrace who I am this year.  I joined a Druid organization to expand on my studies.  I am part of our local Pagan Pride Committee and and hoping to expand my role with them. I an part of a. New unified pagan organization in our community that in just a few weeks has become a huge unifying force in outer community.

I am working on becoming a priestess, my calling has always been to be religious clergy. Now I have the opportunity to finally achieve it.

I went to the top of a mountain to be with nature on my birthday. To feeling was Fantastic


Thursday, September 18, 2014

I Never Thought I Would...

I went WHERE?  I enjoyed WHAT?

Yes, I went to a speedway; cars racing, fumes filling the air, the sound of engines in my ears.  If you had asked me even a few weeks ago if I would ever go to a speedway or dare I say it even enjoy it I would have laughed in your face.  But in our lives we change and meet people who effect us.  In this case I met someone who introduced me to car racing.  I know I have had friends that were interested in racing before, why this friend was the one who managed to introduce me to the sport, who knows?  Maybe I needed a change, I know my life has been filled with chaos recently so maybe I needed to controlled chaos of car racing?  Who knows?
I did also recently move and it turns out there is a track near to where I moved too.  Well, to be fair there was one near my last home as well but I never went there.  So on my first payday from my new
job I splurged the $20.00 and treated us to a night at the races.

We entered the track and were greeted with the usual warning sign companied by a NO PROFANITY sign.  There were many children there and a few dogs as well.  The track was made of dirt and as we arrived trucks and cars were slowly driving on the track.  We assumed it was to smooth the track down.  Basically they were like Zambonis for dirt.  Of course we listened to and sang the National Anthem before the racing began.  It was a recording, no singer inside the oval, we just had to know the words.  A few announcements followed and then the racing began.  
The first cars were small sprint cars.  They were adorable, though I bet their drivers wouldn't
appreciate their cars being called that.  The engines sounded like bees in tin can, a high pitched sound that got louder as they approached, The doppler effect in action.  Yes I still love my science.  They moved around so fast we couldn't get a clear photo of them.

The first few races were qualifiers.  To see where each driver would be placed for the feature races that would end our day at the races.  It was amazing to see them go around so fast and with such skill that there were not many accidents, or incidents as I am told they are called.  When an incident occurs a yellow flag is waved and the race is put on pause.

Some of the incidents were spectacular and cars flipped.  Luckily the drivers were okay.  Others involved more than one car and a few drivers tempers were also involved.  The track handled it all with ease, fire trucks, rescue and tow trucks were there rapidly and cleared the track off so the racing could begin again.  The cars started in the same order they were in prior to the incident.  Some drivers got a bit confused but eventually with some help they found their spots.

The evening was more fun that I could have imagined.  I was sure I would be bored but for some reason I enjoyed myself.  Maybe it was the company?  Who knows.  Still I never thought I would go to a speedway let alone enjoy myself.  I guess this proves that I am ever evolving and coming up with new beginnings.  I have to say I like finding new things to enjoy.  It sure keeps life interesting.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

In Memory Of My Mother

You may have noticed that I have not blogged at all in the recent months.  I got lost in time while taking care of my Mom when she came home from the assisted living facility that she was staying at. She was so happy and vibrant when she came home.  She had several surgeries on her obstructed trachea.  I lost count of all the doctor appointments I took her too.  We had some good times, some hysterical times and yes some bad times.

She was stubborn and would do too much, like walking down stairs when there was a chair glider that would safely bring her down or upstairs.  She would refuse to use her walker and I can't tell you how many times I would find her walker in a room with her in a different room.  Sadly this led to more than a few injuries and several calls to 911.

The most horrible sound I have ever heard was a thud one morning.  I ran into the living room to find my mother unresponsive, not breathing and head down - body lying up the stairs.  Do I move her and get her breathing again?  What if she broke her neck or back?  I did take some first aid classes and they always told us to check for ABCs first.  Airway, Breathing and Circulation.  Her head was blocking her tracheotomy (no airway), she wasn't breathing, circulation was working as evidence by the growing pool of blood under her head.

I chose to move her and make sure she was breathing.  Then I called 911.  This was the beginning of the end I think.  At the time I didn't know it though.  The paramedics took good care of her and even though she didn't want to I INSISTED that she go to the hospital saying that when you stop breathing after falling down 10 steps it was probably a good idea to go to the hospital.  When I was let into the emergency room they were stitching up her head.  Luckily there were no brain bleeds this time.  She did however break four ribs.  They kept her in the hospital for a few days and then home with me again.

She fell down the stairs one other time, she has diabetes and her blood sugars started getting out of whack.  I got a kidney infection, then I caught mono (and not from the fun way either). So much was happening all at once and finally one day I snapped.

I woke up early and Dad said he couldn't wake up Mom.  I couldn't either.  I tested her blood sugar and it was 20.  It should be around 9 - 100.  She was almost dead basically.  What if Dad hadn't tried to wake her up, he usually doesn't?  What if I wasn't there?  I called 911 for maybe the 11th time and they were there quickly.  They brought her blood sugar back up and again she refused to go to the hospital.  I couldn't make her.  Everyone left and I needed some fresh air.  Before I could step out my dad told me that he was in insulin reaction.  She I got him food, two with low blood sugar almost at the same time.

While this is going on the toilet upstairs overflowed and in-between my parents a crack formed in the ceiling and it was raining in the living room.  I had to turn off the water upstairs and figure out how to soak up at least an inch of water covering the entire bathroom.  I started with towels, moved to sheets and finally resorted to newspapers.  It was a mess but the water finally was soaked up.

I went out, picked up a friend, came back and tried to relax and refocus.  I needed to get food for dinner, Dad wanted ham and we didn't have any.  So I was getting ready to go and my mother who has not been eating a lot all day checks her blood sugar level and it is over 400.  WHAT?  So she takes insulin, just a little I think 4 units and I go to the store.  I am there for a half hour and come back to my mother in insulin reaction again.

We had been watching my brother's dog for a week and she was biting us and knocking us over.  It was just so much all at once.  Mom had surgery coming up that week, Dad was to start chemo for bladder cancer on Monday.  I wash't allowed to take either of them to the appointments because I was sick.  My brother was coming home that night and I needed to get away.  I had been taking care of my parents for 9 months with not many breaks.  I took one weekend off.  So I packed up a bag and said I needed a week to myself.  I filled my brother in on what needed to be done that week with the appointments.  My aunt was coming in to stay with them so I knew he would have backup.  I made sure to hug and kiss both mom and dad before I left telling them both that I loved them.

I drove to Pennsylvania that night to stay with a friend.  All was good until Wednesday when I got a call that mom fell again.  This time her heart stopped.  My aunt gave her CPR and one final call to 911 was made.  This time I wasn't there.  I don't know if the usual paramedics that I have become aquatinted with responded.  Sadly, I recognize many of them from repeated visits to the house.  I was told to stay in PA, there was nothing I could do.

I called my aunt to thank her and she and I talked about how it was too much for me now.  And maybe we should think about assisted living for them.  My friend offered to let me move in with her and got me job interviews by the end of the week.  On the following Monday after my second job interview I went home.  I had to go to the hospital to sign the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order and watch them disconnect my mother from life support.  My daughter joined me to say goodbye to Grandma.

My brother and I sat with her as she continued to breath on her own.  Her brain was not functioning.  Still Mom is stubborn.  She may have not wanted to be connected to machines but still she wanted to hang on.  My brothers wife and middle son joined him.  They support each other through the night.  My aunt and uncle were there for part of the time.  Finally around 7 am we all left, we needed sleep.  Mom was doing fine.

She finally passed away on August 20.  We had visited her just 2 hours before and were horrified to see the hospital was giving her oxygen, which she DID NOT want.  We made sure it was disconnected and went home.  The phone rang not long after as soon as I saw it was the hospital I knew.  I called my brother and told him and I had to wake my father up to break the news to him.  They had been married for 50 years.  How do you tell someone their spouse of 50 years has died?

My brother and I took care of all the arrangements, mostly my brother thankfully.  She wanted to be cremated so it was arranged.  I picked out a pendant to carry some of her ashes in for myself and my daughter.  No viewing, but two memorial services were planned.  I read her eulogy and completed it with a reading of her favorite book "There's a Monster at the End of This Book".  A fitting tribute to her.

Mom I miss you, I keep thinking of things I want to talk to you about, find things I want to show you and just want to hug you one more time.

Friday, May 30, 2014

We All Sleep Alone!

I got the kids off to school and Dad his breakfast this morning.  Mom was still asleep, Dad was watching TV and I was tired so I went back to sleep.  I happily drifted back to sleep and was happily dreaming when I heard a loud crash and fall.  Whatever made the sound was big and I knew right away that it was a person.  I didn't know who, but I knew it was bad.  

I think I flew out of my bed and I am sure I made it to the living room in one or two steps.  I screamed "Are you okay?" Hoping to hear a reply as I was running but there was no answer.  I saw Dad calmly sitting in his chair and for a moment I thought everything was okay.  Then I turned towards the stairs and I saw my mother as the bottom of the steps.

Her head and neck were on the floor at an odd angle.  Her body was lying up the stairs so she was basically upside down.  I looked up and saw a pair of pants halfway up the stairs.  I looked down and she was so still.  It took me a moment to realize that she wasn't breathing.  Her head was blocking her tracheotomy and she was unconscious.  At first I thought she was dead.  I moved her so her head was off her stoma and made sure her airway was clear.  Breathing was more important than a possible broken neck.  

Luckily she started to breath on her own and her eyes opened up, but she didn't know what was happening.  I ran to the phone and once again called 911.  I have called 911 too many times in the last six months.  You know you have when start to recognize the paramedics and police officers, and they remember you too.  Luckily I have the routine down now and had all of Mom's meds ready for them so they could write them all down.  

Then I realized that I was asleep, snuggled in my bed and that I'm in my underpants and the police, paramedics and all sorts of people are about to arrive.  I ran and put my pants on and I felt so guilty.  I should have not cared and held Mom's hand while we waited.  Instead I put pants on!

I have to say that it felt like forever for them to come, but I know in reality it was just moments.  They flowed into the house and swarmed around her.  That's when I noticed the blood.  It was under her and the stain was getting bigger.  Dad was still calmly sitting in his chair.  What must this be like for him I wonder?  He isn't reacting like he knows what is going on.  Does he even know what happened I wonder?  Or is he like me in a state of shock wondering what else can possibly go wrong with Mom?  Can't she catch a break and just recover and heal?  

Back to the chaos in my living room,  why was she even walking down the stairs?  We have one of those chairs that takes you up and down the stairs so she should have been using it.  Of course she is stubborn. That is where I get it from.  She has gone into the basement and had trouble getting back up.  My brother and I and her physical therapist all told her she had to stop.  She isn't steady on her feet yet and she was in danger of falling down the stairs.  How right we were!

Chaos!  I don't know how many first responders were in my living room?  They are all asking me different questions.  "Where did she fall from?"  "Was she using the chair lift?"  "When did she fall?"  I call my brother and try to stay focused.  I'm the rock now, it used to be my mom, now it is me.  More and more is becoming my responsibility.  I have to adjust, I have to be responsible, I have to focus on everyone else.  That is my role now.

They get a neck brace and I can finally hear Mom answering some of their questions.  Funny how looking back on this morning and it is all a blur.  I couldn't even tell you how many first responders where in the house.  I had to move the car for the ambulance, that I remember.  Then they strap her to a backboard.  The one thing I remember is one of the paramedics asking for a 4x4 gauze patch so,they could tape her head to the backboard and not have to put tape on her face.  

Then they were gone.  She was off to the hospital again.  I turned and looked and Dad is still sitting in his chair.  Does he know what happened?  He doesn't seem to be reacting and through all the chaos I was so focused on Mom and the first responders that I don't know what Dad was doing.  I should have been with him too.  All the should of would of could ofs!  I should have stayed awake and made her ride the stair glider.  I could have, I would have then she would be okay.  

Dad doesn't want to go to the hospital. I go alone, but first I draw his insulin in the syringe and make sure he knows to take it with lunch.  Not for the first time I am happy that meals on wheels brings him lunch and I know that he will be okay.  He also is stubborn, but he knows his limitations.  Mom is still adjusting to hers.  I let him stay home.
My brother beat me to the hospital, I called him while the first responders were still at our house.  He was just leaving work when I called.  We sat and waited for them to let us back in the ER.  I was so scared.  I was thinking of the blood, how I had to move her so she could breathe.  Did I make her worse?  What if I wasn't there.  What if I was at work?  So much guilt!

They let us back and Mom is in yet another ER room.  The same doctor as the last time.  He recognizes her, I recognize him and a few of the other people.  We have been here way too often!  The paramedics are talking about pain in her ribs, the blood is so red and it seems like more than before.  Then they roll her on her side and for the first time I see the wound.  

There was so much blood!  The image of watching them roll her and the partially clotted,ropes of blood that were between her head and the backboard made me gasp out loud.  My brother tried to console me, the nurses told me that it looks worse that it really was.  I knew that, I know head wounds bleed a lot. I knew that because she was lying still the blood was starting to clot. I knew all of that but the image was so startling and real.  So much blood!  

They stitched her right there.  She was hurting, her ribs were sore.  I was watching the doctor sew her head closed and her white hair was bright red and matted.  When he thought he had her all patched up the nurse found a spot he missed.  It was hard to tell what was bleeding and what was bled on.  I am so focused on her head I almost miss that she is starting to complain about her ribs more and more.

I have to work in the afternoon.  I know they are short and need me.  I call and see if I can come in a little latter so I can know that Mom will be okay.  I want to hear that she doesn't have a broken neck, I want to hear that she doesn't have another brain bleed.  I am afraid that I will hear that she has both. How am I going to teach while she is in the ER?

Then I feel bad that I'm worried about me when I should be worried about her, I have to make sure that Dad knows what is going on.  I have to get laundry done and the dishwasher emptied.  I have to get my brother to help me finish my daughters room and the front porch and the back porch.  There is so much to do and I should be worried about her.

I have to clean the blood from the rug where she fell.  One spot from the original fall and then a bigger spot from where I moved her to.  Why was that what I was focusing on.  Then the doctor comes in ad tells,us the CT scan was good.  No brain bleed, no broken neck!  She will be just fine.  We still has to wait for the X-ray results about her ribs, but I knew that she had broken at lest one.  She was in so much pain in her ribs.  To hear her cry like that was so hard.  She is my mom. She is supposed to comfort me, not me comfort her.  

I had to leave to go to work.  First I stopped home and let Dad know what was happening.  I made sure he ate and took his insulin and made him tea.  I have become the parent for both my parents. This  is so surreal. I tell him that I have to go to work and I will check on Mom on my way home.  I tell him it will be alright. 

While I'm at work I get text updates.  My brother is with her so I find out that she has four broken ribs and that she is yet again being admitted.  In another text later in I find out that she is in the ICU again.  The other teachers are making sure that I am okay.  They tell me that they are praying for Mom.  Being at work is helping me get through the day.  

On the way home I stop by the hospital and know exactly where to go.  The information desk is unmanned but I know where to go.  I hate that I know where to go.  I hate that I recognize so many people at the hospital. I hate that yet again I have to go home without my mother.  I hate that yet again my dad has to sleep alone in his bed.

I pick up her prescriptions after I leave the hospital. I started trying to get them filled over a week ago.  Because they were from a skilled nursing facility and not her primary doctor it turned into a huge mess to get them refilled.  So much medical drama fills my life now.  I have to order too many meds.  I have to make sure Mom and Dad take them when they are supposed to.  So much responsibility!  I'm so tired!

Mom sleeps in the hospital tonight, Dad sleeps alone and I am in my bed wanting my man to snuggle with. I can't contact him so I am alone.  We all sleep alone!

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Dating, Exploring, and Learning

Wow, it has been a while since I last added to my blog.  So much has been going on.  First I really am enjoying dating with the help of the internet.  If it had been available when I was a teen or in my twenties I wonder how different my world would be now.  I used to laugh when I hear people describe it like shopping, but that is exactly what it is like.

I have moved on from the first two sites I used when I began internet dating. was useless.  Zoosk was fun and I made a few connections, nothing that made it past friendship however.  Some were scammers, the ones who tried to prey on vulnerabilities and convince you they loved you so you would send them money.

Maybe because I don't trust people I didn't fall for them.  Now I have learned some "tells" that the scammers or a few scammers with many online identities use.  So far the ones who ask for thousands of dollars have all been from Europe, new to the States, Willing to relocate, Rich (obviously not or they would't be asking me for money), and very attractive.  Luckily for me I noticed they would "type with an accent".  The syntax they used when chatting was just a bit off and of course when I pointed this out and made sure to casually mention that I never send money to the scammers they never contacted me again.

There also are the men who only want to chat with you, nothing else - never intending on meeting you.  Most of them I cut loose too.  There are a few that entertain me and I have developed a bit of a bond with.  It is kind of exciting talking to someone you know you will never meet and share things that you never thought you would.  No last names, no idea where either of us really lives.  Nothing that will help us find each other in real life.

There are two sites I have found and love; OKCupid and Lots of Fish.  Each for different reasons and both because I have had much more success with them.  Both let you just page through photos and decide if you want to meet them.  At first I thought how superficial!  I don't choose men just on how they look!  But I was wrong, we all do it, we all in that first glance make so many determinations.  So I choose yes I want to meet them or no I don't, sometimes maybe is a choice too.

It is the profiles I enjoy reading.  Some men are very creative and their profiles alone make me want to contact them.  This is where I don't feel so superficial.  When I read their profiles, photos are not the only thing I use to decide if I want to contact them.  Though there are times when photos alone will keep me from contacting them.

I do not think I am the most beautiful person, I am okay but there are many women who look better than I do.  However I do know what photos of me to post and what ones to avoid.  If I had a photo of me in a hospital gown I would NOT use that as my profile pic.  That said I have seen more than one man in a hospital gown in their profile pic.

Another thing I don't understand in profile pics that show men with the fish they caught or a few showing the gutted deer they hunted.  While I get they are proud of themselves and it shows that they like the outdoors, I find it strange.  But at least if you choose to contact one of them you know what you are in for and if you don't like hunting or fishing then you were warned.

What is unique is how each site "finds" you someone.  OKCupid asks direct questions with just a few answers.  Some are very ordinary and others are VERY personal.  The more you answer the more likely they can find yo a good match.  Funny their top match for me is someone I meet while I was still with my ex and I was/am very attracted to him.  We have been chatting and gone on a date.  So far it is a good match.

It is like shopping, but different.  You don't want to just pick and choose a couple profiles you like.  The more you contact, the better chance you have that a few will contact you back and maybe one of them will be a good match.  So I have been dating, learning how to do the whole on line dating thing and having a lot of fun exploring and meeting new men.  It is so much easier then before I was married, but harder too because I have to be more careful and at some point I will have to let my guard down to get close to somebody.  I'm not there yet though.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Date

I have really been looking forward to this date.  If you had asked me a few years ago about online dating I would have laughed and said it was not for me.  I might be right.  This was my second first date using an online dating sight.  The first guy (not so cute) was wonderful to talk to and the conversations we had were fantastic!  The second guy and I have been talking on the phone and he seemed okay but the conversations have been a bit one sided and choppy.  But he was cute so I agreed to a date.  He lives far away so we met in the middle.

I was safe and would only meet him in a public place in the middle of the day.  He picked McDonalds.  While we were there he didn't ask if I wanted anything (I didn't but it would have been nice to be asked.  It was a date after all.) while he drank his coffee.  Then he started to get all touchy and was suggesting we gets bottle of wine and find a place to drink it.

Then he wanted me to let him get into my car so we could drive to another location.  No, sorry, not happening!  So I made sure we stayed in our separate cars and I filled him to another public area so we could walk a little.  The weather was beautiful and I was looking forward to being outside and not shivering.

On the way to our walk, while in our separate cars, I called my brother and asked him to give me a call in a half hour so I could duck out of the date if I felt the need.  I fully expected to need that call.  I have never done that before.  This was all new to me.  I never dated much before I met my ex and that was many years ago.

 We parked in a small lot overlooking an intersection between two creeks.  You could clearly see where the two flows combined.  It was beautiful.  I was mesmerized.  It would have been a great romantic place.  Oddly here he was almost ignoring me.  I was clearly interested in the beauty of nature and he was not interested in it at all.   he wanted to go on our walk so I made sure we walked on the main street of the village we met in.

On the way to the parking lot I noticed a cute shop that promised books, toys and food, three of my favorite things!  I was hoping that we would walk by it.  We must have been an interesting pair to watch as we walked.  He was 15 inches taller than me.  Luck was with me, he turned toward the store I wanted to go to.  I was even more lucky when we got there and it was open.  Yes, on my big date, I decided to go shopping.  I said I wanted to go into the store and before he could protest I was in.

This was my dream store.  Educational toys, fun toys, cute toys, toys from my childhood and even those roll caps that we used to hit with a hammer to make them bang.  I still remember the smell those caps made.  I should have bought some.  I was clearly thrilled to be there and he was there.  A few times while we were in the store he tried to initiate conversation.  I have to give him credit for that.  He just couldn't keep it going.

I shopped, I bought some items to use in the classroom.  I found Guatemalan Worry Dolls, I buy them
every time I find them.  I even found those gunpowder filled paper pops that my kids love to play with.  He bought a bottle of Coke and didn't offer me any.

We found a bench to sit on and again he was all touchy.  I was very uncomfortable and at least got him to stop trying to kiss me.  Then my phone rang and I am sad to say that I took my out and rushed home.  Well, I drove home for over an hour and bought myself dinner because I was starving!

Now I have a third guy messaging me, again he looks good and seems okay on line.  But in person we are not doing okay.  They seemed thrilled with me, and both are asking me out again.  I have said no to both.  I have gotten away from one less than ideal guy and I am not planning on going through that again.  So I am being picky and I am being assertive.  When did I become this person?  The woman I was before I met my ex was terrified to call him on the phone.  Now I am messaging guys online looking for a date.  Surprise!

Friday, March 7, 2014

The Longest Day

6 am - I am awakened by my father looking for a shirt.

"I need a shirt, I need a shirt, where is a shirt, I need a shirt, a shirt, where are my shirts?  I need a shirt, I have a sweater but I don't have a shirt."  This continued for about 15 minutes.  If you know me then you know I don't do 6 am well.  Usually if I see it, it is because I haven't gone to sleep yet.

I know what is next so I don't even try to go back to sleep.

6:30 am - My ex calls to let me know he is on his way to pick up the kids for school.  Since I am awake and trying to figure out the bed situation between two kids at two houses, suddenly we need two more beds.  Of course when I say we, I really mean me, because I am pretty much on my own here.   Had I known WWIII would have occurred I might have pretended to be asleep.

The problem - I have a king size bed I told B that she could use because P was sleeping in the back room and it wasn't big enough for the bed.  Of course P, wants the bigger bed and since he had a full size bed at Dad's house he doesn't want a smaller bed.  I get that and know that my e still hasn't bought B a new bed so since she has a new bed with me I thought P could get a full size bed at my house.

This started a huge argument because me ex couldn't understand why I needed another bed here.  So I gave up and said I would find one on my own, not to worry and let's change the conversation so we don't get into a fight.  (I could feel it building up in me.)  Then he started yelling at me about money, I overdrew my account (A child figured out a password and things were purchased, and they got into a lot of trouble.) I knew where this was going.

We have two joint bank accounts.  One he calls his side and the other he calls my side.  I have bank cards in my name for both accounts.  He wants me to give him the one for the account that he calls "his side".  It has my name on it and it is a joint account so I said I was keeping it.  I used it accidentally once and quickly transferred money to "his side" so no bouncing would happen.  Since then he has been almost harassing me to give him the card.

This morning though he went a step too far.  He told me that he would not pick up the kids for school in the mornings anymore, forcing me to move them into a new school district mid-year, if I didn't give him my bank card.  The only reason I agreed to wait until the summer to file for divorce was to keep the kids in their current school district for the rest of the year.  I am going to be the custodial parent so they would have to go to the district that I live in.

To be safe I called the school district I live in now to start the process and get the paperwork filled out.  I have documents to get copied and statements to be notarized.  And the day is still early it is only 10:30 am at this point now and I am at work teaching.

I love my job, today though was trying.  Maybe it was because their music class and lunch were both before noon and the afternoon seemed to go on forever?  I was so tired at the end of the day and just wanted to go home.  Yikes I almost forgot to pick up the cat from the vets.  She was spayed yesterday and luckily the vet was on the way home.  I go in to pick up Oreo and I can't find the check.  They won't let me pick her up without paying.  I have just enough time to go home get a check and come back before they close.  Now I am on a mission.

I make good time getting home and turn the last corner of the back way to the house and am greeted
with a road closed sign.  My street is closed?  What?  Why?  Oh, good I can get around the sign and the road looks clear.  At the corner (almost next to my house) I see flashing lights and construction equipment.  I flashback to the morning and recall the gas company marking pipes.   Is something wrong with the gas?  Do we need to evacuate?

I pull in the driveway and none of the workers run over to me and tell me to get out of the area.  They do notice me and seem okay with my presence so I am a bit relieved.  Dad is okay and I explain about the check and I have to go back to get Oreo and he understands.  Back to the vet's office I go, I go around the construction vehicles to see what is going on.  Again they are not concerned by my obvious rubbernecking and watch me as I access the situation.

My street is blocked of from the major intersection one block down on  either side of the intersection.  So two full blocks are "closed".  The major street is double blocked.  Two sets of roadblocks are set up a block apart to really make sure the road is closed.  Plus the construction vehicles and trucks are placed across the intersection so there is no possible way to go through.  Now I am more concerned and I just left my partially blind, partially deaf, father who can't walk well and has dementia home alone just houses away from whatever is happening.

My brother calls and I tell him about it.  He calls the police and finds out that it is a water main break.  Okay, dad is safe, he might be thirsty but he is safe.  Back to the cat.  As I got into the car to go back to the vet's office I found the check on the car floor.  I had it all along and just didn't see it.  I picked up Oreo and it is almost 5 pm.  I still have to get Dad to see Mom, make dinner, get the kids oh and my aunt is coming into town tonight and I need to get ready for her.

Finally back home, I notice that Dad is a bit out of sorts.  At first I think it is because I have been gone all day and he was grumpy.  He yells and tells me that he wants water (ah, water main break.  They must have shut the water off and he couldn't get anything to drink.) Then he holds up a cup and asks me what is in it.  I look and smell it, it is Coca-Cola.  Dad has diabetes and the last thing he needs is a drink filled with sugar (okay it is the last thing I need too, but a girl has to have some vices!)  I look and the bottle of pop I bough last night is half gone!  I test his blood sugar level and it is high.

He gets extra insulin and doesn't want to visit Mom so I go.  I think I will visit for a short time and get home to make Dad dinner and get to work getting ready for my aunt.  I was wrong.

Very rarely do I go visit Mom without Dad.  When I do I walk the halls faster because it is just me.  I turn the corner and enter Mom's room.  She is delighted to see me and holds her hands out in anticipation.  I have no idea why.  I notice that she has a stunning new haircut but have no idea what she expected me to bring her.

Oh no!  She has been looking forward to a spaghetti dinner from a local American Legion Post.  I forgot all about it and I see that she is disappointed.  I feel awful and I ask the dreaded question.  "Do you want me to go get it for you now?"  She nods and apologize, briefly explain my day so far and meekly walk out of the building.  It is 6 pm.

Where Mom is, is not close to where the spaghetti is.  However my children are on the way so I swing by and pick them up.  I manage to get to the post five minutes before they stop serving the spaghetti and back into the car we go.  The kids are thirsty and Burger King is next-door so I order three small drinks.  When did small become a large?  we could have swum in the amount of beverage we received.

I get on the highway and I think I know how to get back to where Mom is.  It is a different route than I usually take, but I just took the route to where I was, how hard could it be to back track.  I am familiar with the area and very rarely get lost.  Today was one of those times.  I didn't really get lost, I just couldn't get to where I needed to be.  I knew where I was the whole time.

After ending up on another expressway and back all the way from downtown to the science museum and back again I finally got back to Mom's.  We get out of the car, well B and I got out of the car.  Somehow I managed to lock P in the minivan.  Of course I did, nothing is going right today!

It is almost 8 pm when Mom finally get's her spaghetti dinner.  I have to get the kids home, they need to do their homework, I need to get Dad dinner...  OMG Dad I forgot about Dad, it is 8 pm and her goes to bed at 8 pm.

Somehow I managed to get home in just fifteen minutes.  It is the first thing today that has gone smoothly.  Dad is so relieved that we are okay that he isn't upset that we were gone so long.  I give him his meds and off to bed he goes.  On the way upstairs he asks me to get him some pop tomorrow because the pop we have at home tastes horrible.  Of course it did, because he is used to diet and drank my regular, sugar filled pop.

The kids go to bed, Dad is in bed it is 9 pm and I think my day is done.  Wrong!  My son hurts himself and reacts like someone chopped off his arm.   He is screaming, I am yelling and overwhelmed and Dad comes downstairs.  It is too loud.  Finally he goes back up, P wants to snuggle and he calms down.  I had to tickle him to break him out of the doldrums.  Sometimes a tickle is the best medicine.

I manage to crawl up to bed around 11:00 pm and my aunt arrives around 11:45 pm.  The day is almost over and my body is ready to collapse.  My brain however has hamsters running on the wheel and won't stop.  It doesn't help that I know my morning and afternoon tomorrow are booked solid.

What does help is that I have a date tomorrow.  He is 6'5" and I am 5'1" so it should be interesting.  I am doing the online dating thing.  I am being safe and meeting him for the first time in a nice public place in the middle of the afternoon.  I am nervous, it has been almost 20 years since I dated and I never really dated before my ex.  Wish me luck!

Friday, February 28, 2014

Her Surgery is Indefinitely Postponed!

The last few weeks have been a series of ups and downs for my mother.  Mom has been in and out of the ER because she has been having issues with her tracheotomy.  Anytime I see the name of her rehab center on my caller ID I cringe.  This week alone she has been in the ER twice.  The second one happened at night and she made me stay home and I decided not tell Dad.  I worried all night.  There was nothing he could do except make me take him to the ER to be with her.  I did tell my brother and if things were to get worse I would get Dad there ASAP.

At the same time I don't want to get so used to Mom going to the ER for tracheotomy issues.  I don't want to assume she will be okay and have something bad happen because I am taking my time getting there.  Mom was the one who told me to stay home so I feel that I was respecting her wishes.  I let her know I wouldn't tell dad and she understood.  But I felt guilty.

There have been some fun things that have happened.  Next to where Mom stays is a take out place called Twisted Pickle.  I drive by it every day and finally I had enough and walked over to try their food.  I did try to look up their menu before I went but it was "under construction".  I decided that I would walk over there and see find out exactly what a "Twisted Pickle" was.

Well, Mom wanted some wings.  Of course she has no cash, there is no need for patients to have cash so she asked Dad for money.  He has a tendency to be purposely funny difficult.  Hmmm, now I know where I get that from.  So he tries to hide his money from her.  She was having none of that and even though they were both in wheelchairs and neither one could walk she "attacked" him and got the money for her wings.  He decided that he would get a mixed sub, he will deny all of this however and insist that he was robbed.

I have tried to find the joy in simple things.  So on one ER visit I found such joy.  The ER has the smallest parking lot I have ever seen at a hospital.  Even worse than parking at college.  It might be large enough for 20 cars.  Everytime I go there I have to get Dad out of the car, into the wheelchair, inside and into the room where mom is.  This happens while my flashers are flashing so no one will hit the car in the tiny lot while I am doing this, because of course there is no parking and valet parking is on the other side of the hospital.

This time after I got dad inside the clouds opened up and as angels sang a bean of light shined on a car backing up and leaving from the seconded closest parking spot from the ER entrance.  I managed to quickly maneuver their minivan into the coveted spot and just about danced into the hospital.  I didn't have to go into the parking garage (I hate it in there I always actually duck my head when I drive in because the ceiling is so low!), I wouldn't have to pay a fee for parking.  Joy in such a simple thing!

Now the absolute best thing that happened this week is my aunt emailed me two photos of my grandfather that were taken before he met my grandma.  These had to be from the 1930's.  He was in the U.S. Army and stationed in Hawaii.  The photos show just how much of a fun guy he was.  I miss him so much, but as the years go by I forget more and more about him.  I only knew him for 15 or 16 years.  The day I found these in my email was the day of the above ER visit and seeing my Grandpa doing the Hula made my day, I hope they make yours too!

Today though we received some disappointing news.  The surgery that Mom needs to get the tracheotomy out has been postponed indefinitely.  The LASER that they need to use, the one her doctor has been patiently waiting for because it travels between hospitals is not working.  They don;t know how long the repairs will take.  Her surgery was supposed to be in the morning and now we have no idea.  All the problems were tolerable because the possible end date was in sight.  Now we have no idea.  I was the one who broke the news to her.  She took it okay but I could tell that she was upset.  I did soften the blow with her treasured thurenger though so that helped.  

While cleaning this week I found a wonderful photo of my parents together.  I am leaving you with this image.  This is how I always think of my parents, happy together and well.