Laura's books-i-have-read-in-2017 book montage

The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

Laura's favorite books »

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Just When I Think It Is Almost Over...

The divorce papers are here and I am going over them with a highlighter.  Too many little things that bother me like the kids won't be able to call anyone the other other parent marries mom or dad.  Of course he didn't have any idea that was in the agreement which means that of course he didn't read it at all.

Then he tells me the car insurance is due and I need to find my own.  Reasonable, I have no problem with that.  I did have issue with him only giving me two weeks notice after I had two weeks off of work.  Christmas shopping would have been different if I had known.  My bad, I could have looked at the renewal date but I didn't.  He didn't need to over react and accuse me of trying to scam him by asking for one more month of us being not he same policy giving me time to get the money together.

He knows I make about 1/3 of what he makes.  It isn't a secret.  Of course he won't give me any money because I don't deserve it and he owes me nothing.  I need to add it to my budget and I can get it done.  I am working more but still two weeks off with no pay is a roadblock this time of year.

But then he goes the extra step of being down right mean and nasty.  Making it hurtful and abusive.  Why did I think it would be any different?  Yes, I did cover up names but changes nothing that was written.

Tonight was a winner.  He has asked me to give him a list of food to buy for the week since I make dinner for the kids.  No problem.  Of course the last two weeks he has ignored the list and the refrigerator is getting bare.  Today I got upset to find he went shopping and bought the exact same thing I made for dinner yesterday.

He may enjoy eating the same food everyday but neither I nor our children do.  With three supermarkets within 2 miles of his house there is no excuse for it.  He got upset because the food I ask for is too expensive.  Food I have asked for and he didn't get was tomato soup, cheese soup, mustard, beef rice or beef noodles, Italian or Polish sausage, bread, cheese.  These are things he usually buys.  But when I ask for them they are too expensive.

So he shows me food in the freezer.  Food I honestly have not cooked because neither I or the children like it  I assumed he bought them for him.  Sadly I may have to resort to these items since he won't buy any other food it seems.

We of course fought over the food selection tonight.  I brought it up because P complained about dinner tonight.  I wouldn't let him have anything to eat until he finished dinner so of course I am mean.  D got upset and started screaming at me because I was unreasonable in my food choices and he wasn't going to buy food that was so expensive.  I chose not to point out the food he bought was more expensive than the soup I wanted.

Then into the driveway because he pulls in every night behind my car.  Which means I can't go home until he backs out of the driveway.  There is no parking allowed at anytime in front of the house on the street.  I hate when he comes home because I have to see him and usually he isn't pleasant.  I tell myself its for the kids, they don't need to be shuffled from house to house.  We only have to see each other for 1 or 2 minutes five days a week.  We should be able to be civil to each other.  If not just don't say anything to each other.  Well only one of us seems to want those few minutes to be stress free.

Tonight he wouldn't let me close my car door.  Yes, I felt threatened.  Then he once again wished I would get hit by a car.  Isn't he so nice to me?  I asked him in a text message to let me know when he was close so I could pull out of the driveway just as he arrives.  Eliminating all physical contact between us.  He replied that he was deleting my texts without reading them.

I save every text message he sends me.  I am going to make sure we have a section of the divorce agreement allowing a no contact way for us to change who is with the children.  Having the children in one house with us moving back and forth seemed like a good idea.  They have some stability.  I work first shift and he works second shift.  On paper it seemed like it would work.

If there was no contact physically between us it would.  Funny he says he was hoping we could be friends after the divorce.  I can't see that happening with all the hostility has has towards me.  Of course he doesn't think he is hostile towards me, he says he is just brutally honest.  I really don't want to get the police involved but he is escalating and I fear I may have too.  I should have enough money to finish paying for my lawyer soon.  I hope this doesn't become a long involved battle between us.  But every time I think its almost over he goes and does something like tonight.  Sigh!

Saturday, January 3, 2015

A New Year, Will it be a Good One?

It's a New Year and a new me.  I finally have a copy of the 24 page separation/divorce agreement and expect the divorce will be final soon.  I have mixed feelings about that.  To be finally be no longer married to him will be wonderful.  Though I see him all the time.  Five days a week I have to see him because we still are parents.  Sadly almost five days a week he reminds me why I left.  He just cannot be nice I think.

This was the first New Year's without my family as it fell on a weekday.  The kids spent the day with their father and I spent it with my extended family.  We had lasagna and played Trivial Pursuit (I won) into the wee hours of the New Year.  It felt strange not to watch the ball drop without my children.  Holidays felt strange through out this year.  Without my children I just don't feel complete.

My ex makes more money than I do and is very clear that he won't give me any money.  Even when the kids were with me he refused to give me any money.  My gas tank is on empty and I have a week before payday.  I spent my last two dollars today on soup.  During the week I take care of the kids at his house.  I eat his food.  But I sleep in my own place.  Basically all that has changed is where my bed is.

I have my own place.  I could be a single mother.  But I agreed to let the kids stay in the house where their father lives so they are not moved back and forth.  Instead I am the one who moves back and forth.  Every day I go take care of them after school and work.  I make sure they have dinner and do their homework and I do it all at his house.  The house he and I used to share.  The house that his mother owns.  I never felt like it was my home.  I never was allowed to make it my own.

Here it is a New Year and I still am in that house more than I want to be and I slowly see my influence being stripped from it.  Sports teams flags have become curtains and hang from the walls.  My knick knacks have been packed and the books are slowly being moved as I find space for them.  He still resists all new books entering the house.  He still claims they have too many.  He hasn't changed.

Have I changed.  I have lost weight, so I know I have.  I am free to practice my religion the way I need to and want to finally.  I have embraced my Paganism and won't let anyone keep me from practicing it again.  I have been dating and have discovered that I never really had a good relationship with him.  I have changed.

So I have changed, I need my life to change too.  I need to feel at home with my children.  I can't do that at his place.  He doesn't want the kids to be moved.  I feel a fight coming on and our awkward stalemate will end.  I read the divorce agreement and I am not signing it as it reads.  Looks like this new year will find me meeting with a lawyer a lot.