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The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Its About Me

So what do you do when your worse suspicions come true? Those two to three hour mystery drives start to make sense. Mysterious out of the blue shaving before a trip to the grocery store is seen in a different light. The denials that anything happened still ring in my ear and the garbage that this is my fault is thrown back in the face of the man who uttered them.

This last year has been a whirlwind of destruction for me. I have worked to rebuild this crumbling marriage. I brushed the suspicions aside and accepted his differences and worked on my anger issues. I allowed him to be who he is and started reinventing myself. I am the only one who I can make change. It only took two years of courtship and twelve years of marriage to accept that.

All I ask for in return from him is a little romance. I want to be swept off my feet again. But then I see him falling asleep on the couch and eternally watching the hockey game, thanks to the NHL channel he can watch hockey 24/7 now. There is no summer free of hockey for me anymore.

He now is obsessed with curling. I know, curling!!! He had a countdown on facebook for weeks announcing when he was going to curl for the first time. The only time I am mentioned by him on facebook it is because I prompted him to do so. I see the passion in his eyes for curling, and am jealous.

I stood up to him after the spitting and hitting and let him come, granted not back into my bed. That was the only thing I could control. So I took it away, until I felt like a wife again. I am still waiting to feel like that.

I took months for me to start to trust him and love him again. Then just when I thinks things are going well he betrays me by reaching out to other. People he doesn't even know, that is the worse part. He said since I cut him off that he had to go to other people.

He swears he stopped and he even said he was sorry, which he never does. That is one of the things we argue about. He just never things he is wrong so he feels since he doesn't think he is wrong that he doesn't need to apologize. He said he was sorry.

I can't afford to leave him right now. So I decided to stay, finish my degree and when I get a job I can reevaluate how we are then. My gut says leave, take the kids and never turn back. My brain tells me I can't support myself, let alone two children on my own. What he makes barley covers our expenses now. How can it support two households?

So I stay. I spend most of my time in a different room than he is in. We watch two different televisions. We have no common interests anymore. Did we ever I find myself thinking?

I am selfish, I want to have what we had long ago. I want him to with no warning in the super market to hug me an announce he loves me for no reason. I want to get lost in his eyes again. I want to feel the flutter in my heart again. I want to feel loved. Yes this about me, it is about my feelings and its about who I am today.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Why is there play-dough on my kitchen ceiling?

My life may be in turmoil but my children always manage to ground me. I don't know when it happened? All I know is last night before I left for a much needed night out with friends there was no play-dough on my ceiling. I was out most of today too. Tonight after the kids went to bed I went into the kitchen to make a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and something made me look up. On my ceiling is a pancake flat disk of mostly red play-dough.

I am always telling them to make sure they keep the play-dough away from the carpets but I think this is a bit extreme. I have to admit it made me chuckle. Maybe it was a good thing both were sleeping soundly and looked so darling in their beds. Technically I never said no play-dough on the ceilings. With my luck P will mention this too me, and he would be right.

Now you may be wondering where the offending clump of play-dough is now? Well, it is still there on my ceiling. The evidence is waiting for the sleeping not so innocents to awaken and be confronted by a mommy who no doubt will be struggling to keep a straight face.

I love my children, I love my children I love my children...

Monday, January 4, 2010

Emotionally Numb

Its back to school time and of course that is a change in routine. One week off of school is all it takes I guess. Oh the tears my son shed today made me want to cry. Of course it doesn't help when you are dealing with marriage issues too. It was a rough day for me too. How do I handle all of this? I can't take time to deal with the betrayal when one of my babies is having such a bad day.

I admit that after my daughter went back to school today I went back to bed. I have had such a hard time sleeping the last few nights. No children were home so I had time to mope.

D has been very attentive to me the last few days. He even bought me a gift. It was just something from the dollar tree, but he never buys me gifts. Oh it is not making up for what he did. He will be on his best behavior for the next few weeks, but I know he will return back to super clod.

And so here I am, once again facing the end of my marriage and I am scared. Every time he is out of the house for a long time I wonder what is he really doing. And he goes out a lot. He also takes his time when he is out. Hours can go by. I was suspicious before because he would be gone for so long and have stupid reasons for being gone for so long.

I think the worse part of this is I am really not as upset as I feel I should be. Even when I confronted him I was not yelling at him. I feel strangely calm about what happened. I am so tired of being the one working to get our marriage back on track. I am tired giving suggestions to help our marriage only to be ignored. I am tired of getting into fights because we are having trouble just talking with each other. I am just plain tired.

And so here I am, once again facing the end of my marriage and I am scared. I was prepared to leave if I had to after I graduated. I never dreamed I would be facing this choice with a year left of school. I never dreamed I would be in this situation. I feel betrayed and am emotionally numb.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

What Do I Do Now?

How many months have I been writing here? How many months have I been trying to fix this mess I call a marriage? We have been sleeping apart for months. The fighting has pretty much stopped. But he can't do the one thing I need. I want romance again. I want him to reach out to me so I don't feel so alone. Put me first once in a while.

His face lights up when he sees a hockey game on TV. I can't even get a hello when I come home. I was just starting to think we could fix us. We had a nice Christmas, though again no gift from him. I am used to that though. He will buy the kids the stupidest toys but never anything for me. Okay I guess that one still bothers me a lot. Anyway we have been getting better and We have had a few nice evenings on the couch together.

Then tonight I find out that he has been trying to get together with other women. Thanks to a good friend I now know the truth. She sent me an email that he wrote. I called him and read him the evidence. He couldn't deny it. He tried to pin it on me by saying we hadn't been together for so long that he couldn't wait any more.

Seriously. Instead of reaching out to another woman why couldn't you just do what I asked and reach out to me. It was all I asked. All I needed to connect with him again. Now I have to deal with this.

If I believe him he has not actually hooked up with any of his contacts. I told him I need to think and he was on a short leash now. There was no excuse for this. I don't trust him. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to me.

So what do I do now? It is so easy to say leave him. That is my first instinct. How do I do that with two kids while I am school? In one year when I have my degree maybe it will be easier to leave?

Needless to say he will still be on the couch and I will still be alone.