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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I'm NOT Getting Old!!!

So I faced my increasing age this week. I had to get Bifocals. I just had my eyes checked in October and my script was single lens. Lately I have noticed that I have been taking off my glasses to read or work on the computer. Then of course my eyes get strained quickly and they hurt. I knew I needed a new script and I knew I would need bifocals. I still didn't go and get my eyes examined again. I kept waiting, I just didn't want to face my age.

I don't feel old. I actually don't see myself as old either. My gosh I am only 41. I am not old!!! My eyes however are not young. I had surgery on my right eye when I was in kindergarten. Now it is crossed again, but facing out instead of in this time. I have to face this. I love to read, I love being able to see. I have to take care of my eyes. So I suck it up and go to America's Best since I already used my eye insurance in October and it is Once a year use only.

I said when I walked in I would need bifocals and I walked out of there with a script for bifocals. I thought I would get my glasses there since I already used my insurance in October. They say two pairs of bifocals for $99.00. Uhm, no it ended up being more than that. Four times more to be specific. Two pairs was over $400.00 and one pair was just over $300.00. I was shocked. I think I ran out of there screaming.

I went back to my regular place and paid $185 for one pair, still way cheaper than the last place. I pick them up later this week. I wish when I got new frames in October I had been thinking, then I would have gotten frames I could put bifocal lenses in. It just feels like a wasted use of insurance. I will never go back to the doctor that examined my eyes last time. I feel cheated almost.

So my eyes are old, I am young and I plan on staying that way for at least another 30 - 40 years.

My World Almost Ended Today

I walk in to my daughter's Nursery School to pick her up. I just missed the door opening and most of the kids had already found their mommy's. I turn the corner and see my daughter, my first impression when I saw her is something happened to her. She wasn't as happy as she usually is. Her teacher saw me and she also looked frazzled. She told me that my daughter had choked on a jelly bean just moments ago. My daughter almost died. They made cupcakes in class today and decorated them to look like easter baskets. Licorice was the handle and jelly beans were the eggs.

Of course the kids were snacking on the jelly beans. She loves jelly beans. Whenever we go to grandma's she has to have some jelly beans. She was laughing while chewing one and inhaled at the wrong time. It took a moment or two for the teacher to dislodge the jelly bean. She told me that my daughter couldn't breath at all.

It happened so fast, but the teacher knew what to do. My daughter is safe and this Easter wants NO jelly beans in her Easter Basket. She found out today that Grandma is an Easter Bunny Helper since she saw her bunny costume. She asked me if grandma could tell the Easter Bunny that she wants no Jelly Beans this year. I don't blame her. I don't want any either I think.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I Get So Worried

My son has been making some noises lately. I don't mean the normal noises, he has this strange throat sound that he makes. It is like a frog sound almost. He is making more noises at school. Usually when he has made a transition to a different class like music, art and gym.

He acts like he doesn't hear the teacher. He does this to me too. I don't think it is an act. He seems to get lost within himself. He acts out at school enough for him to move from green to red for behavior. It is a green, yellow, red system good, warning and poor behavior.

His teacher has noticed that he cannot put words to his behavior. He will move around the classroom in unusual mannerisms. He tends to spin more when he leaves school. As soon as he is free from the building, always halfway down the walkway he spins three times.

It has been over a year since he was diagnosed with asperger's nothing we have done has seemed to help. I am going back to the parents support group to help us cope. I hope other parents can give us some tips and insight. Luckily I have a therapy appointment scheduled soon.

Luckily he really calms down when he uses a slinky. He also only uses it long enough to calm down. I will have to make a run to Target to get more slinkys. I have to make sure to never be without one. I am so glad that his Principal figured that relaxation technique.

His Vineland questioner should be arranged soon. I am hoping his score will allow us to get some aid for him. I hate to see him in his aspie fits. They are getting so bad that he has given us all bruises. When he gets upset lately the word seems to be ending for him. He will just thrash around and it is like he aims all his anger and frustration at us. He throws and hits and kick. We have made his room his safe place, but he has been resisting going there to help calm down.

I am walking to raise money to help Autism research. I have five people on my team and we are so far the group that has raised the most funds. My goal is to raise at least $1000.00. We have almost $150.00 raised so far. It makes me feel like I am doing something to help.

Improving Myself

Just in case, I want to better myself educationally to ensure I will be able to support myself and my children in case I end up leaving. I finally found a two year Masters program in Elementary Education that does not require I have a previous degree in education. When I got my business degree I was convinced I couldn't have children and a career in retail seemed doable and I had the experience to get in retail management.

Now I have two miracle children and I never want to work retail again. In a couple years my daughter will be in school full time and I will be ready to go back to work. If I start this program at Medaille I will be student teaching when she is in kindergarten and hopefully by the time she is in first grade I will have a teaching job. I am not expecting to make a fortune teaching I just want to be able to support myself and my children if worst comes to worst.

I am amazed at how motivated I am feeling. It is about time I do something for myself too. Funny how now that I am in my forties I am facing so many of my fears and putting them in their place. I have always wanted to teach but was always afraid to pursue it, I thought I wasn't good enough. Now I know I am and am ready to go for it.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Why are you talking so fast?

He comes home today from buying gas on Transit in Williamsville. We live in Tonawanda, not exactly next to Williamsville. Apparently the gas price was worth the 20 minute drive each way? He comes in and tells me his brain is fast and loopy and he is talking at least at triple speed. I was getting dizzy listening to him talk so fast. It makes me wonder what else he was doing, of course he said nothing unusual happened. He just needs to drive to get the fastness out of his head.

Now I know how gas in his car gets used so fast. I suggested that maybe a walk or run would work just as well, he agrees but it is too cold to do that right now. Then he announces that I am unreasonable because I don't want him to drive the 2 - 3 hours it will take his brain to slow down.

There is no way to win this one, I just stop the discussion and go back to the torture of helping my son do his homework. Both can drive me crazy but at least my son's homework is almost finished so that nightmare will be over soon.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

In Sickness and in Health

So I have been making an effort to talk with him about my feelings. We actually didn't argue today. Not even a spat when I couldn't account for some money. Maybe it is because of the beautiful weather. The day just made me feel wonderful. Maybe it is the meds, I am feeling so much more together lately. Maybe he is finally getting the hint that I am at the end of my rope. I am fighting for this marriage and I will leave him eventually if he doesn't get his act together. I will fight, I will not let him treat me like this anymore, but I will give up if it doesn't improve.

I have told him I believe he has asperger's like our son does. We now talk openly in our house about asperger's and I can't help but notice how it is like son like father. They react to many of the same things exactly the same way. It could be learned behavior but to my untrained eye it all seems to be asperger's reactions to change, pain, taste, sounds, and touch.

I am hoping he will see it too and he will seek treatment, be it meds or therapy but something. I worry about him, I see how sometimes it is hard for him to cope or understand things that are occurring right in front of him. He doesn't understand body language and doesn't know how to act in some everyday situations.

How far do you take the in sickness and in health part of wedding vows?

Friday, March 27, 2009

I Don't Think So!!!

Last night as I was falling asleep you wanted to get lucky. I don't think so. I have told you there will be none of that as long as you treat me poorly. I don't know how to be anymore clear. It is not going to happen until after we work on repairing our marriage. I recognize the abuse and also know that it wasn't always like this. We had 10 good years. There has to be a way back to that. Until then I don't see any chance of us being intimate.

Expensive gifts are not the answer either, though they are appreciated, lol. Hugs, kisses, flirting, back rubs, and foot rubs however would be great deposits. You are overdrawn in the intimacy bank and you need to make some deposits. There have been penalties like any other bank and you just need to give me time and make those deposits to get back to the positive side. It will take time and effort but it can be done.

This is not something that is going to take five minutes or even five days to fix. Time to fix this will be in weeks and months. It will take effort on both out parts. This can't be a one sided effort. I wish I could believe you will put the effort in. You get so discouraged so quickly. If it isn't something that can be done in a minute or two you have a hard time following through on it.

It will take effort and courage, Things I had a hard time finding until I became a mommy. If I could find them anyone can.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Frustration and Peace (an unusual mix)

At 10:30 this morning the phone rings and I look at the caller ID like usual, my hear sank. It was a call from my son's school. He was disruptive in class again. He had to go the Principal's office to calm down. Luckily that work's he calms down quickly and the rest of the day is usually better behaved.

Well, not this time. He was so disruptive in lunch that his class lost a prize. His classmates were begging him to calm down and he couldn't. I don't want his classmates to resent him. I have to figure out how to help him calm down when he has an asperger's fit.

Not even 15 minutes later I got a call from the school social worker. We talked about what she is doing to prepare for his Student Support Team meeting. I hope they see that he needs a 504 or IEP and he gets the help he deserves and needs.

We started working on breathing and counting to calm himself down. After about 20 tries he managed to calm down. I don't know if it was the breathing and counting or if he did it on his own. His behavior has been slipping at home and in school. I wish I could find a way to help him.

Daddy took our son to a fun event at his school tonight. I had a nice quality evening with my daughter. We watch a Blue's Clues movie and Celtic Thunder. It was a calm evening with no screaming or tension. Even when they came home the atmosphere was peaceful.

Is this the calm before the storm? Tomorrow is payday and usually there is at least one fight about the money. I signed up to get a team of walkers for an Autism Walk in May and really want to add some funds to my pledge. I hope he will figure out tis is something I need to do. I can't make his's Asperger's go away. This way I feel like I am doing something.

My Son's Art

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

and so it begins again...

Dear Husband,

Once a month $12.89 is automatically deducted from the bank. This has been going on for many months now. I bought a series of books called" Help Me to be Good". I talked to you about the purchase before it was done. We agreed the book series was a great way to help teach important social skills for our son and would also be an asset for our daughter. I admit I can't remember how many times the payments will be taken out but it won't be forever.

Every month you forget and every month you yell at me. You tell me it was a stupid purchase and I suck because I cause our bank to be overdrawn. I don't forget, I try to remind you, I always remember. It would seem to me that the one who forgets and withdraws all the money from the bank would be the one at fault if blame needed to be assessed.

I didn't call you names or try to make you feel bad when you accidently withdrew $600.00 from the bank instead of $60.00. When you make a bank error I know it is a mistake and never talk to you like you talk to me. I hear the same argument from me and the first thing out of your mouth is "You Suck!!! You Kill us!!!" I don't even argue back anymore. It just isn't worth my energy.

We are fine as long as you are happy, but as soon as something happens to us that can be linked to me in any way you attack me with venom and blame me for as many things as you can. This is unfair and mean. Why you think it is okay to call me names in front of our children is beyond me? Again that is mean and rude. When our children come hoe from school in trouble because they called someone a horrible name I will know where they heard it and why they think it is right. Until then I just do as much damage control as I can.

Days like today make me very sad and make me want to hide away from the world. I dealt with that enough while growing up, I will not let you beat me down again. How do I make you understand? Is it even worth the battle?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Can You Learn Impulse Control?

My son has asperger's syndrome. Which means he is on the Autism Spectrum of Disorders. It is a struggle to
try to understand what the world is like for him and how to help him live in my world. I say my world because that is my only point of reference. On top of that is the possibility that my husband also has asperger's and has never been diagnosed. Not only that but he seems to be in denial about the possibility that he may also have this and of course is receiving no treatment. He is anti-therapy 100% and that pains me because I know how much therapy has helped me. I wish he would let someone help him.

Today my son got upset waiting an extra couple minutes for daddy to come outside and play hockey with him. In that time he threw his hockey stick at my daughter and hit her above her ear. We hear the screams and couldn't get there fast enough to stop it. Then there is the yelling between daddy and son and it is really hard to tell who is the parent when they do this. I have to separate them first. Have my son go in his room to calm down. Then I have to keep daddy from going through that door and opening up all the ick again. Then I have to calm my daughter down and asses how badly she is hurt.

I always say I am the brain of our family. I have to make the decisions and make sure it all gets done. I have to stop the screaming and figure out how to get it all to work. I have listened to my sons cries and he keeps saying he couldn't stop himself, he didn't mean it and I believe him. I know it is very difficult for him to stop an impulse once the concept enters his head and desire takes over.

I also can't have him throwing hockey sticks at my daughter or cause any harm to himself or others. I don't know how to help him. How do you teach impulse control to someone who just doesn't get it? Once the thought starts it is like gravity takes over and it is a force that can't be ignored. Sometimes it sucks being a mommy.

Then of course he looks at me with that goofy smile that just makes me a lump of mommy mush and I feel all that love and know I wouldn't want him to be anyone else. I take the poor decisions with the excellent ones and know I am blessed by him in my life. My world is a better place because he is part of it.

A Few Phone Calls From School

Just as I am getting my daughter ready to go to school today the phone rings. I love at the display and caller ID tells me it is my son's school. I answer knowing it was the Principal and I was correct. She told me how he was having a hard time today and there was a substitute in the classroom for the morning. He had to be removed from the classroom to calm down and focus on his school work. The Principal understood about his anxiety with substitute teachers and just wanted me to know what was happening.

After I dropped my daughter off to school I started my list of phone calls. I called the Pupil Services Director, I called the school psychologist and the social worker. I still don't know if there is anything in writing to protect my son as he is bounced around in the school district. I need a new Vineland Adaptive Behavior Scale done on him by me and the school. I want a 504 or IEP in writing for him. I think I finally managed to talk to the right people and things should be progressing for him next month. Thankfully it ended up being a productive afternoon.

When my husband comes home he is once again in a good mood. That is always a good sign. I still keep my distance by spending a majority of my time in the bedroom. Of course this backfires when he allows the kids to "play" with the food in the pantry. He thinks the children will just move and stack the items. Maybe he forgot that one has no impulse control and the other one is 4. Well, the smell of food cooking ended up being several packages of dry sauces mixed with milk and water.

I step in to keep the peace. And since I am hungry from the yummy smells of my children's misadventures I start cooking dinner. It ended up being a nice moment between Dennis and I. We talked, no arguing and I paid attention. He really is just like my son in many ways. They have similar mannerisms and behaviors. There is no middle ground. It is either good or bad, black or white. Both can slip from a good mood into a mood that is horrific.

While we ate the school psychologist called and confirmed that the school would move ahead with arranging for the Vineland test. It is such a relief to see some action being done because I am advocating for my son. Now if I could only do something to get our family o start acting like a family. There is just so much friction and hurt feelings, I just don't know if it can be repaired.

Before bedtime we all snuggled up together on our queen size bed. We watched Caillou, which was the farthest thing from my husband's dream evening with his family. However it was a perfect evening for our children. My daughter is already asleep and my son is starting to settle down and fall asleep. Now we are in separate rooms watching two different shows and not fighting.

Once I get the house in a better state maybe our life will follow. I see glimpses of what could be. If I could get him to seek treatment for what I can only assume is asperger's like my son. To my untrained eye I see how they are so much alike. I see how they both escalate the same way, how there are no shades of grey. Neither one has impulse control. Can that even be something that can be learned?

Monday, March 23, 2009

He said "I'm Sorry"

He came home from work today in a good mood. I love when that happens because odds are we will have a good day. Then as I was making pizza for dinner he came up to me and apologized for calling me a "Fat Ass" yesterday. He never apologizes. I mean never, so the fact that I got an apology is huge!!! We talked a bit about last night and how he just wanted to go to sleep. I said I understood that, but he also needed to understand that I just needed a little time, less than a minute, to finish what I was doing. Had we both just took a breath before speaking I think we would have been okay last night.

Some of this is communication problems. He has admitted to me that he tunes me out if what I am talking about doesn't interest him. I get upset when I have to repeat my self over and over again. I wish we could figure out a way to work on this between us. That will help so much in avoiding many of our arguments.

Well it was Almost Two Good Days

I did have a part in this, I don't deny it. Though I can't believe it escalated that fast. I just wanted a chance to finish what I was doing.

I was almost ready for bed and he started getting ready for a shower. I had a good 15 more minutes to finish up on the computer. Turn the light off and go to bed. So the next thing I know he is looking for a towel. What a surprise he can't find one and he refuses to look for one. So now he announces he is going to bed.

I knew it was late, I just wanted to finish up what I was doing . I said I am finishing this up. I could have said it nicer. I could have just turned off the computer. But I didn't. He then screamed at me that it was bedtime and he was going to bed and I needed to "Get my fat ass out of bed" if I was going to use the computer any longer.

When he wants to do something it has to be done right then and there. When I want to do something in his mind it is optional. If I ask him to do something that is something that he just won't do. He still hasn't moved that turtle sandbox in the backyard. I was there in the autumn, it was there all winter and it is spring now and it still is there.

I wish I could hire a husband to help me with some of the things we ned done in the house that I can't do myself. I wish I had the courage to invite someone over to help me out. The house is so messy I don't even like having the cable guy over to move a cable from one wall to another.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Homework Horrors

I have to take over helping our son with his homework. Daddy and him together is like adding a flame to gasoline. It used to be perfect. I would do the large projects and reading and Daddy would do the writing homework. He had this knack of explaining how P should write the letters.

Of course our son knows how to write the letters he just needs coaxing to write the letters. He is an expert at finding excuses do not do his homework. Yikes this is just first grade, I don't even want to think about High School. Oh you should see the acting. He throws his body to the ground and tells us how he has fallen so he can't do his homework. He could win an Emmy with his get out of homework acting, lol!!!

Today Daddy started to work on homework with our son. OMG, it sounded like a war was happening. Both were screaming at each other and you couldn't tell who the parent was. I know our son has Asperger's and I seriously believe that daddy has it too. His behavior and actions definitely point to that diagnosis. It would explain so much. Not that I am offering him any excuses for his behavior.

So I took over our son's homework help and managed to finally get him focused on doing the work. There was some bribery involved but I did manage to get him to finally finish three homework assignments and I can actually read most of them. Unfortunately now it looks like I am doing the homework with him all the time. So this is another thing Daddy gets out of because he flips out if he does it.

Why don't I get to flip out? Oh thats right I see doctors and therapist that help me work things out and prescribe meds to keep me sane. Now I could only get him to do the same I know it would help us. How do you get someone to accept medical help when he won't even accept that there is a problem to see someone about?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

The Day Started With a Death and Ended with a Win

D and I woke up this morning to the kids playing with fluffy, one of our pet bunnies. It was so cute, but then we thought, "Wait, the bunny was in his cage how did he get out?" D went to the cage and it was open but Bun Bun was still inside and he was not moving. Sometime during the night Bun Bun passed away and now we had to break the news to the kids. Who ever opened the cage must have noticed, but did they really understand.

So we broke the news to the kids and P handled it very well. Way better than we would have imagined. B however was devastated. She cried for about 20 minutes, my pillow was soaked and her face was so red. Finally she just stopped and got up to help daddy dig a "hole" for Bun Bun. She insisted on a big stone for him too.

The afternoon brought a birthday party for P to attend, and Daddy even dropped P off to the party and went to the Dollar Store to buy a gift bag. He was a huge help today, I guess when he isn't working 10 hours a day he can be pleasant to be around.

We picked P up from the party and the whole family went to the Buffalo Bandits game. We bought souvenirs, ate food that was not healthy, cheered and yelled. The kids had their own fan club from the people we were sitting near. They got to dance with Rax, the Bandit's Mascot. Plus they got Bonus hugs from him. The Bandits won 14 - 4. It was a great game.

Today was an awesome day, though I was waiting for the other shoe to fall. It never did. It really was a great day spent together as a family. These days do happen. I wish they happened more often. When they do it is magical.

Oh God Damn It

I hear those words so often. Tonight I am lying in bed watching the end of a tv show. Seriously I mean the last two minutes. Dennis is going to bed. He comes in and tries to close the door. I mearly suggest that he should just turn the hall light off and not close the door. "Oh God Damn It!" he says. He says it all the time. If I ask him for a favor I hear "Oh God Damn It".

I just wanted to see the end of the show. My father did that to me all the time when I was growing up. A job would always have to be done five minutes before the end of he show. It is my name on the cable bill, If I want to see the end of the show let me.

So I get mad and storm out of the bedroom, I was going to go to sleep when the show ended. The bathroom light is on, The kitchen light, all the living-room lights and the front door isn't locked. He says,"Well I thought you were going to get up and watch TV."

Seriously can he be that clueless. I was in bed with the lights off. I was going to go to sleep. So now I am awake on the couch typing this into my blog. I took tylenol PM and I can feel it starting to work. I am too upset to go to bed and too tired to stay awake.

He did notice that I cleaned, of course the first thing he asks is did I find his missing shirts and the next thin was "I hope you didn't lose my Saskatchewan Jersey." It all has to be about him. His clothes get washed and hung, mine get tossed on the floor. He will wash a dish for him to eat off. We have to remind him about the other dishes. He won't read the kids a bedtime story until there is a break in hockey game.

I told him how I hate hearing "Oh God Damn It." He didn't care, not one bit. He was annoyed that I was bothered by what he said. The worse thing is I will hear it again and again. He has said it for years. I have told him many times before how much I hate that phrase. He just doesn't care.

Friday, March 20, 2009

This is Why I don't Clean When The Kids are Home

Two bags of garbage are filled from my bedroom. There is a visible dent in the clutter. As I carry the bag to the kitchen I hear roars and giggles in the basement then I smell... PAINT!!!!! "Are you playing with paint?" I ask knowing full well the answer. I hear my daughter whisper "yes, mommy." Then my son proudly announces that they are playing monster so of course they had to cover their bodies in brown paint to play the part.

I take a deep breath and order them into the bathtub. Luckily they were in play clothes. I should have known something like this was going to happen. After I filled up the first bag I walked into the kitchen to see egg shells scattered on the floor and egg in two bowls. Both children proudly mixing the eggs announced they were helping me by making lunch.

I am afraid to do anymore cleaning today, lol. They are in the tub happily playing, the water is still brownish from the paint despite two washes and rinsing with fresh water. I am about to venture into the basement to see what damage is done there. Luckily this happened when daddy was at work.

One Bag at a Time

Okay I filled up one garbage bag from our bedroom. I can't believe I let it get this bad. My son walks in and says, "Mama, how come it doesn't look any cleaner in here?" It is still overwhelming and if I look at the whole I will stop. It is too much for one person. I don't want to think about all the cleaning that needs to be done. I can't leave any ammunition that could allow the children to be taken from me.

He is right, there is not much of a difference. One bag is just a drop in the bucket. When he gets home he will be upset I cleaned in our room and not the living-room where he spends his time. This room is my sanctuary right now. It still looks like it will defeat me. I look at the looming piles that my children just want to climb and can't see how I will be able to put everything away.

Most things never even had a place to begin with. I have no closet and he won't put up the closet organizer that I bought so we could hang things up. I don't even know how to get to the wall I want it hung on. I finally have a drill, but I have never used one. I don't know if I can hang it up by myself. I know he won't help

He never helps. I have asked for him to move the turtle sandbox in our backyard since last fall. It is another thing I can't do alone. Last year he had a fit when I asked him to help me hang up my Topsy Turney planters. Anytime I need help he bitches at me. "Why can't you do it yourself?" "You're worthless, you're incapable of doing anything!"

Well, on to the next bag. Hopefully I can get more than that done today. One step at a time, one day at a time. one bag at a time.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Cry Baby - OMG STOP!!!!!

Our son has Asperger's. He tends to cry a lot, maybe because of it, maybe because he needs too. Yes, he cries often. Yes, the reason for his crying burst may be a mystery to us at the time. And oh yes it can be so frustrating for us. Does that make it okay to call him a "Cry Baby"? NO !!! Especially since it is his daddy who is calling him that name. OMG stop calling me names stop calling your son names. It is uncalled for.

Oh I have asked him to stop, I have begged him to stop. We have had discussions and arguments about that very subject. It is heartbreaking to have your son come up to you in tears because Daddy called him a "Cry Baby".

And Today He Acts Like Nothing has Happened

He is happy today and jokes with me because I am always in our room. I am here because it is safer to be in a separate room. There is less chance I will get yelled at by him if I am out of his line of sight. He didn't even yell at me for buying a yearbook for our son. It is his last year at this school because the school is closing. I wanted him to remember it. Of course I made sure I had cash for him to put in the bank. I make sure I cover my ass when I can.

He still got on my case because I had a doctor appointment today and god forbid I might have a copay. He won't see any doctor so he doesn't always understand why I go to so many. He has told me more than once that he believes if one of them suggested I leave Dennis, that I would blindly do it.

Funny, that is actually a topic at two offices right now. I know some of this is because of whatever condition he has, but he still should treat me better. Once upon a time he did. We used to be happy most of the time. I used to want to sleep in the same bed as him. Now I try very hard to make sure that doesn't happen. We used to make up, I can't remember the last time we made up.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Daily Journal

I started a journal of my life in this house. Mostly of how he treats me. How I feel.

4:00 3-18-2009

Asked our son “Why shouldn't I smack you until you are unconscious”

5:00 He calls me an ungrateful bitch because he can’t understand how I spend money.

5:05 Calls me a Dumb Ass. In front of children.

I am so tired of telling you what I spend money one, how I spent it and when only to get yelled at by you. Oh and it isn’t just once. It is over and over again.

I don’t hide what I spend from you; if I did I wouldn’t ever hear the end of it. Unfortunately even when I tell you, you forget and somehow that becomes my fault. You forget, how is that my fault?

I write it down for you, I tell you over and over again and still you forget. You withdrawal hundreds of dollars in cash for whatever and we bounce. Is it ever your fault, NO!!!!

No matter how much money you spend in your eyes I am always the one who has made the mistake.

No matter what fight we have it is always my fault and you never cause it, at least in your eyes.

I am not always wrong. I don’t forget to tell you how I spend money, Everything wrong or bad that happens to us is not caused by me. Stop pinning it on me. I am not perfect. I also am not as horrible as you think I am.

5:42- I remember you used to say nice things to me, like “Were still on one.” I can’t even remember the last nice thing you said to me. Now you spit at me, push me into the wall, smack me in the head. Still here I am, why? I don’t know how to get away. With my children. I need to protect them and I don’t trust you with them. As mean as you are to me you are the same to them.

8:45 – I lost the remote in our bedroom, so of course that led to him picking on my Wood Badge and me. He hates that I spent money on this. In his mind it is useless and frivolous. I hate listening to it and he keeps pushing my decision and me. He does not respect my decisions or me. He spends hundreds on a hockey game but If I spend any amount on scouts it is stupid.

9:00 he goes out to shop for pop. He is gone for over an hour. Why is he gone so long for pop?

How Did This Happen?

So what do you do when you put your life on hold for your family and then you wake up one day and want it back? For the last six plus years I have been a mom and wife. There have been ups and downs but everyday when I woke up I knew it was what I wanted to do. I had the support of my husband. He would work and I would stay home with the children and be a mom and a wife. Take care of the house, take care of our lives and be happy.

Well, I woke up today and wouldn't get out of bed. I looked at my house with clothes everywhere and piles of debris that are remnants of my past few years. Where did I lose control? How did my house end up like this, how did my life end up in similar piles of debris? Why did this happen to me again? I swore after I moved out of my parents house no one would have that kind of control over my life again. I wouldn't be another victim. No one would make me feel worthless on a daily basis again.

It took me a long time to let down my shields to let someone into my life that closely and I did. I fell in love, got married, had my family. I was what I always wanted to be a wife and mommy. Sue it would have been nice for me to work, to get the extra money but my hubby and I agreed I would stay home save on the daycare cost and I tried to do it all.

I always put the kids before cleaning. I never let it get this bad before though. I don't know how to start organizing or cleaning my house and the same goes for my life. So I sit on my bed and look at the piles of everything all over. How did it get so bad? How did I let my husband push me into the wall in front of my son and spit in my face? Why didn't I just walk away then?

I am afraid to walk away. I said for better or worse. Do I even remember the better? Why can't I take that last step? I am afraid I'll lose the kids. I am afraid of leaving him alone with the kids. Will he hurt them? I don't think so physically, but he can be so mean when he talks to them, or rather yells at them. Then I see the man I married playing with the kids with a smile on his face and I want to believe he can stay that way.

My therapist and I agree that there is something else there, be it Asperger's like my son or something similar. He was never treated and he won't seek help now. He refuses to work with me to fix our marriage because he believes it will either work out or it won't, There is no effort from him to keep me. He makes to effort to bring me back.

So I sit on my bed watching the spare TV, typing on my laptop and crying. I think I don't want to fix up. I think I give up. I feel wrong for giving up. I feel like I failed. I feel like I am about to lose everything.

My house is a wreck, my life is a wreck and I want to fix it, Why can't I?