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Sunday, August 30, 2015

I Broke Two Ribs but I Got to go to MASH

This summer is trying very hard to be the worst summer ever. If mom hadn't died last summer I think this one would win. Wednesday I had surgery and yesterday; because I am quite possibly the clumsiest person ever, I managed to break two ribs while walking to the bathroom.  

Yes, you read that correctly! I woke up to natures call and as I walked out of my door got a little dizzy. I could have fallen backwards into my open door and in an instant decided that was not a good option. I could have gone right into the open hallway again not the best option. In front of was the ideal choice the closed linen closet door just a few inches away and I would have been fine.  

But in that instant I decided to go left into what I thought was the latched bedroom door of the 18 year old who lives heres door. Guess what? It wasn't latched and it opened and down I went onto a table.  

My land lady came rushing to my aide. Gave me some water while I assessed the situation. I was in a pile of I have no idea what and I was in pain. I honestly did't know if I could get up. With help I got up, did what I woke up to do and went back to bed.  

Later when I woke up and any movement caused me great pain. I called my brother to take me to urgent care. Usually I drive myself but I was pretty sure I couldn't do it. Luckily he brought the car with dad's wheelchair in it as walking was not even close to fast or painless. 

Its 2 pm on a Saturday and the first Urgent care was closed. Isn't that the point of them to be open when a regular doctor isn't? So off we went to MASH. So now I can say I was treated in a MASH unit. 

If you haven't been in a MASH unit Highly recommend them, well except for the $50.00 copay. They were kind, helpful and took great care of me. There was hardly any wait time and they not only understood my teacher swearing while I was being x-rayed but were amused by it. Basically gobbly gook that let me express my pain while using no words children can tell their parents they heard. 

The announced I had two broken ribs and basically there was nothing they could do. Just take tylenol and rest. Ha! The school year is one week away and if I have to take a pillow into work to do my job I will.  

I lost a second day of pay this week for medical reasons and both days copays added together was more than I would have made.  

I have discovered if I lie very still in bed it doesn't hurt. Sadly I lost the remote at some point tonight so my tv is mocking me because I can't turn it off and netflix wants to know if I'm still watching Charmed. I was but apparently telling the tv that doesn't work. 

Saturday, August 29, 2015


How do you know that you are alone?  Oh I have friends and people on Facebook that I am friends with.  I have my family and my children.  I have people I live with who make sure I am okay and still I feel alone.

Have a surgery, a "routine procedure".  My brother dropped me off and I was alone in the room as I was sliced and diced.  No one was waiting for me when I was done.  I waited patiently for him to come back and get me and when I got home I crawled into bed alone.

The guy I have been seeing for 9 months to the day of my "routine procedure" was in another city on vacation.  Okay he had a cold and was miserable too, but I was not near the top of his list of priorities.

Nine months and I am not a real part of his life.  Nine months and I have to have the talk with him.  Let me in our let me go.  I'm guessing that I will be on my merry way.

So here I am wanting to curl up in a ball confronted by a man.  Even when I was married my ex wouldn't comfort me either.  Maybe I crave it so much because I never had it.  I ache and I am crampy and no one warned me about the grey ash color leaking out of me.

In this last years I sat alone as my mother died, I sat alone as every event happened.  I'm alone and I hate it.

I have tried internet dating and I got nine months of an almost relationship.  Now I want the real thing.  Anyone know someone looking for a 47 year old decent person who is fun and a bit mischievous?  If I get one more request from a 19 year old or anyone under 30 I will scream.

I just want to recover with someone holding me and telling me it will be alright!

Thursday, August 27, 2015



I am the mother of a teenager.  It hasn't sunk in.  I don't even see him today because I am recovering from a  surgery.  I remember what I was like as a teenager.  Worse I remember what my brother was like as a teenager. What was I thinking?

I have some plans for his birthday, he is coming of age and that is a big deal.  So happy birthday my love.  And yes that is my 13 year old still playing with blocks.  He built a city complete with plumbing.  He is one smart little man.  Now if he would just use that for good instead of evil, lol!

Sunday, August 23, 2015

What I Miss and Want Again

     Today I dropped a friend off at the airport to catch a bus.  As I drove away I remembered when I was dotingly ex husband.  We lived four hours apart.  On the occasions that I would take the bus back here to meet him Our time together was amazing.  This was when we loved each other and when I left to go back it was so hard.

      We would send every last moment together, not wanting the bus to leave.  When I finally boarded the bus he would stand by the bus and run after the bus as it pulled out.  He didn't want me to leave.  Sometimes he would follow the bus in the car as long as he could.  I often wondered if he would follow the bus for the whole four hours if he could.

      I miss that.  I miss that feeling that I didn't want to be separated from him for even an instant.  I often wonder how we got from there, from being that couple you see in public that you just want them to get a room to a couple where he is upset that I held on too $2.00.

     People ask me was he always like this and no he wasn't.  Once he would do anything for me and he would sing my praises to anyone who asked.  If he thought I was being wronged he would do all he could to help me out.  We were in love and I miss that.  I miss that part of him.  I wonder where it went.

      Someone recently asked me was it him that changed.  I don't think he did.  I think I was the one who changed.  I was a virgin who did't drive when we met.  I was the one who was afraid of many people and was terrified to even call him on the phone.  I was not who I am today.

     My family noticed the change in me too.  I don't think they all like it.  I've grown assertive, I have faced many of my fears.  I have learned to drive, and started to drive in the time I was married to him.    I am not the same person we were when I got married.

     Now I crave that love that I felt with him 20 years ago.  The man who would kiss me with passion and chase a bus that I was on because I was leaving on it.  I have been seeing someone for many months and I don't think that spark is there.  He still keeps part of who he is separate from me.  I don't want to have that talk with him, but I can't continue if it isn't going to go anywhere.

     I am not looking to get married again, and I don't want to even move in with him.  I just want to know that the spark is there.  I feel it from me, I just need to feel it from him.  I had it once and I lost it.  Is it wrong to want to have that feeling again?

Friday, August 21, 2015

One Year

      One year ago as I was lying in bed I received the phone call.  I looked at the caller ID and my heart sank.  It was the hospital.  Not even two hours prior I was there and had to fight with he hospital staff to have the oxygen removed from my mother.  She in no uncertain terms wanted to be connected to a ventilator as she was dying.

     They told me the oxygen was just a comfort measure like the morphine was.  I called my brother and my sister-in-law and together we made sure the oxygen was removed and after a short visit we left.  

I had signed her DNR on Monday and she was stubborn when she was born, not wanting to come out and now she was being stubborn in death.  I followed her wishes and signed the DNR.  I did my part but it took have two days to finally pass away after the care was removed.  She always was stubborn and it seems I received that trait from her.  

     As we left the room I bent over and whispered into her ear that it was okay to go and that I loved her.  MY SIL laughed and said something like "she never listened to you before why do you think she will start now?"  Maybe not those exact words but the list was the same.  I had no idea that would be the last thing I would say to her.  

It was a whirlwind after that.  Arrangements to make, memorials to plan things I never even thought about.  The worst was telling Dad.  I don't know how many times we told him.  And because my brother and I signed the DNR papers when he remembered he accused us of killing her.  My brother mores than I.  I don't know why he was the target of his grief?

     One year has passed.  The last few days have been hard and I have been surprised by how much it has bothered me.  But today it was crippling.  I couldn't function for most of the day.  The only thing that got me through it was spending time with my kids.  My ex of course either didn't remember or chose not to acknowledge what the day was.   My mom was god to him and bent over backwards so many times to help him out.  

     When the time came and the clock showed the time of her death we lit a special anointed candle for her and shared memories we had of her.  Of course both my children remembered holidays and how she would wrap gifts in the Sunday Funnies.  I told them about the time she wrapped our Christmas gifts in the bags from the stores, plastic not paper.  

I miss you mom!  I don't know how we got through a year without you, but we did.  I love you!!!

RIP Mommy 1940 - 2014

1945 with her father and twin bother

50th Wedding Anniversary 2014



Thursday, August 20, 2015

When People I Don't Know Tell Me About Who He Is

I've had so many emotions today.  Most involve my mom, but not all.  I wonder if losing her and how I feel about that has effected how I behave these last few days.

Of course while I am dealing with the loss of my mother my ex has turned up his attitude a few notches.  And it seems to be about food.  I think it is about control. And he just can't handle that other people help me out when I need help.

He is upset that I have a GoFundMe account.  He thinks it proves that I am lazy and not capable of supporting myself or my kids.  If he only knew how many job interviews I have been on and how I couldn't accept some jobs because I would have had to be working at the only times that I had my children.

He laughs at me because my car doesn't work well.  So I have to hit the starter with a hammer if it won't start.  It will start and it goes where I want it to go.  I wish I knew why he goes to such lengths to make me feel bad?  Does he even know what he says is rude?

I have met three people in recent weeks who have to deal with him as a customer and they all cringe when they see him come in.  It may be unprofessional of them but when I tell them I divorced him and I am so sorry they have to deal with him they open up to me and it saddens me to hear how awful he treats these people.  One told me that he made her cry.  No one deserves that.  Of course he wants to know who.  I refuse to tell him.  I know he will complain and I don;t want them fired because he is a jerk!

He provides me with food for the kids, one meal.  Of course not all the ingredients so I have to supplement with my own ingredients and often sides.  I live in a house with others and they allow me use of condiments and sometimes we will share what we make.  So none of us has to feed everyone.  He found out and now wants all leftovers and any uncooked food.

It doesn't matter if I add food, he wants the leftovers.  If I don't he has contacted his lawyer and because it is my time with the kids was told he doesn't have to supply me with food for them.  We made a deal and I have the text messages to prove it.  He agreed to supply me with food in the summer because I wasn't making much money.  Now he makes fun of me because I don't have a summer job, he says I am incapable, and is threatening to stop supplying the food.

I need to go to family court.  I need to not go through him.  I need to sever all ties with him.  We can't communicate.  I try and he just twists all I say and uses it against him.  I have permission to let me kids live with me.  Now I just need to try to get that ball in motion.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Funny How Petty Little Things Bother Me

This is my Mom's obituary.  Neither my brother nor myself wrote it.  Everyone I read it I get annoyed because of the order of names.  Order of birth and actual siblings before in-laws in my opinion.  I admit it, I'm petty sometimes.  Maybe now that I have said it kind of outloud I can let it go.

June 10, Year – Aug.20, 2014
L E M, of K, a retired special-education teacher for the (name of a school district), died Wednesday in (Name of the Hospital,) T T, after a brief illness. She was 74. 
Born L J in Brooklyn, she moved to the (voided out where she lived) area with her family around 1945. She and her twin brother were one of seven sets of twins to graduate from (name of school)  in 1958. 
She graduated from College with a degree in special education.
Mrs. M taught at (Name of School) for the majority of her more than 30 years in teaching.
Her family said she enjoyed working with special-needs children and watching them blossom. 
She married MM on Date, Year, and settled in K.
Mrs. M was an active member of Lodge #, Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks, where she became one the first female exalted rulers of the lodge after the national organization allowed women to be full members. 
In addition to her husband, she is survived by a son (my younger brother), S; a daughter, L (me); her mother, H; a brother, R (her youngest sibling); three sisters, V (in-Law), G (mentioned her last name) and C (funny did't mention her last name only G's last name) ; and five grandchildren.
A memorial Mass will be offered at 10:45 a.m. in the chapel of name of church Catholic Church, Address, TT.
There will be a memorial gathering at 7 p.m. Tuesday at the Elks Lodge, Address, Town.

One Year Ago...

     I remember the drive back from Pennsylvania.  I had no idea if I could make it.  Four hours in my car knowing that when I arrived I had to go to the hospital and sign the papers that would allow the doctors to take my mother off life support.  Luckily my daughter was with me and we listened to loud music to distract us.  Singing at the top of our lungs and keeping out minds off of the fact that my mom, her grandma was lying in a hospital brain dead and that I had to sign the DNR papers at the hospital that night after I got home.

     I dropped her off at her father's house and asked her if she wanted to say goodbye to grandma before we disconnected her.  My mom had signed a Do Not Resuscitate order.  That took all the stress of having to make the decision off my shoulders.  In a pinch my brother could do it, but I was her Health Care Proxy and I knew I had to.  She picked me for a reason.

     That night before everything was disconnected my daughter chose to go to the hospital and say good bye.  My son didn't want to and I didn't for him.  We all had to handle this our own ways.  My little one went up to Grandma in her bed.  The sound of beeping and oxygen filled the air and she told Grandma how much she loved her and would miss her.  She took Grandma's hand in her own and said good bye.  Tonight would deb the last time she would be with the woman who helped raise her, who spoiled her and loved her.  My little girl was so brave.

     The nurses disconnected everything and we settled in for al on night, Moms sister came to spend time with us.  My brother's wife and oldest son were there.  Everyone had someone to comfort them and I was all alone.  My ex picked up our daughter and barely acknowledged my pain.  Is it selfish to have wanted someone with me to hold me while I watched my mother die?

     She didn't go that night, nor the next.  In fact it wasn't until she was moved into a private room and we had a hissy fit when we discovered the nurses put her on oxygen despite the fact we specifically said she wasn't to be put on oxygen.  She hated being connected to oxygen and the possibility of her passing while connected to it was too much for us.

     That night in the hospital we reminisced on how she started her life.  When my grandmother was pregnant with my mother she was under the impression that she was having one baby. Little did she know that my mother was lurking with Uncle Bill just waiting to be born. When the time came she went to the hospital and the doctor delivered a health baby boy (My Uncle Bill). Job well done the doctor thought one mom and one baby. 
The nurse was massaging (it doesn't feel like a massage,lol) grandma's stomach to help everything along and wait what was that? It can't be? Doctor! Yes there was my mother stubborn even before she was born not wanting to come into the world with her brother. Now, she doesn't want to follow him out of this world. She is holding on and being her lovable stubborn self.
I had dad visit the next day to say his goodbyes.  He didn't stay long but I took this photo.  The last time they held hands while she was alive.  
Wednesday night April 20, after we had her oxygen removed, I bent down and kissed her cheek.  I whispered inner her ear that it was okay, she could go.  Not even two hours later than hospital called to let me know she had passed.  I called my brother, and then went upstairs to tell my father.  That was heart breaking.  He wouldn't go back to the hospital.  My brother, his wife, my daughter and I all wine to the hospital and said goodbye.

I love you mom and I always will.  So many times this year I needed to talk to you and tell you what was happening.  I know you have been with me.  Blessed be!

Friday, August 14, 2015

I Give Up!

     I give up!  Just when there was a light at the end of the tunnel, it caves in.  I went to the grocery store came home and turned my car off.  Forty-five minutes later the car refused to turn on.  We tried to jump start it, but it didn't work.  The car lights turned on.  The blinkers blinked just like they were supposed too.  My power windows worked just fine and my radio was loud and clear.
Still when I turned the key, nothing else happened.  The car wouldn't start.  Not even a click, nothing.

I have job interviews to get to in the next two weeks.  I have a tutoring job that I need to get to twice a week.  So I need to figure out how to do all of this without a car.  It is in the driveway.  There is no reason to get it towed, I can afford the repair.  Work doesn't start for another month and I'm done.

Don't worry I won't do anything stupid or crazy.  I just feel defeated by the universe.  I want to throw up my arms and surrender.

This was the day last year that we really lost Mom.  She didn't die until the 20th but the 13th was the
day she left us.  I wasn't here.

I remember when I left and she was sitting in her chair.  I hugged her and told her I loved her and left.  Got to the gas station and realized I forgot my purse.  Classic me and classic mom.  She did that all the time too.  I came home and "caught her" eating picked herring out of the jar.  She looked like a child who was caught with their hand in the cookie jar.  We both smiled and laughed.  That will forever be my last memory and moment with my mom.

So Universe the last 18 months has been enough.  I can't take any more.  Every time I seem to be pulling ahead it finds a way to keep me in the exact same place.   Please let me be and pick on someone else!

Saturday, August 1, 2015

I Cleaned My Room!

I am surprisingly happy to say that the med dosage change is going well.  I have not gone insane.  No major mood swings, both my children are still alive and I feel good.  I have to admit I was expecting some issues and I am happy that I was wrong.  In fact the only side effect I have been experiencing is that I am more tired than usual.  Hopefully this means I don't really need them.

     The side effects of not taking them when I am supposed too are less than  before.  Honestly that makes this all worth while.  I think I stayed on Cymbalta as long as I did because I was afraid of the withdrawal effects.  At times it has been so bad that I couldn't function.  It wasn't depression it was the dizzy lightheaded feeling that overcomes you until there is nothing else you can think of.  I won't miss that feeling ever.

     I tackled my bedroom this week too.  I know — how boring!  Why am I sharing this with you?  First of all I never have been one to clean my bedroom.  I love a room of chaos I think.  When I was a child my room was a mess.  If I don't make an effort to clean it chaos wins everytime.  Well, there have been time when I was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed.  I wouldn't do anything.  I wouldn't clean.  I wouldn't be me!  So it thrills me that when I am reducing my depression meds that I cleaned and rearranged my room.

Okay I admit it, I had ulterior motives.  My bookshelves are full and some of the things I own do not have a home in my room.  I have gone from a house, to a duplex to a smaller house and now to a room in a house.  My things have been weeded through, given away, thrown away and sold.  I look around my room and know that this is basically all I have left.  There are some things here and there elsewhere, but this room is what I and my thing have been reduced too.

     There is not much else I can sell, and believe me I could use the money.  There is not much I have that I don't grasp onto with an iron fist.  I lost so much in the last year losing anything else I view as important is not an option.  So I look at the books on my dresser because there is no room on my bookshelves and I made sure I could fit one more bookshelf in my room.  One more place to be home for things that mean a lot to me.

     So cleaning my room right now is a big deal.  That I wanted to do is a big deal and that my things have a place to go is a bigger deal!  That I am living in a house where the work I do is appreciate is glorious.  When I do the dishes and I get a thanks, my life is perfection.  I don't need my meds anymore.  I just need to be who I am and be around people who appreciate that.

    I need to introduce you to the newest member of my family, this is Hip Hop!  He is so cute and snuggly.  If you have been keeping track there are now two dogs (Tango and Hip Hop), five cats (Simone, Oliver, Cinder, Mitten and Munchkin) and three tarantulas (Hannah Montana, Strawberry and Red Knee) in our house.  I think we officially qualify as a zoo now.