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Sunday, December 27, 2009

A Day of Aggrevation

What a day, my daughter turned five today. I have been looking so forward to this day. I had her gift picked out for weeks now. She has been so cute counting the days until her birthday. She knows it is after Christmas. She was exited about Christmas, but her birthday was really what she was looking forward to. As a friend has said, she is a whole hand old now.

I ran out of my depression meds the day before Christmas. I thought I had more but I was wrong. I called my doctor to get more but he never called me back. I am not happy about him letting me be off meds for any length of time. When I am off my meds everything can irritate me. I get dizzy and my temper flares. I hate myself when I am off my meds. I can't stop being a mom because I am moody. So I just keep going.

Today was the day I snapped being off my meds. The day started bad, De let me sleep in, but he went to the store to order B's cake. He left the kids home with me sleeping. I woke up to find the kids playing in the living room with no supervision. That really got me upset. When he got home he acted like it was no big deal, after all I was home. How do I get him to understand that if I am sleeping I cannot supervise the children? This has happened before and he still thinks it is no big deal.

We went out to lunch, B wanted chinese food. We got all the way to the buffet, and it was closed. So we went to the Original Pancake house. What a disaster that turned out to be. We are seated and given two menus, there are four of us. I see there is one kids item on the menu. So since we didn't have any other kids menu assumed that was the only selection. We order and the waitress finally takes my drink order. She took P's first. Came back and took B's. Then came back and took D's. Before I could tell her what I wanted she was gone again. How irritating.

So we finally order and the kids are getting restless. I recall they mentioned crayons wen we walked in and none were brought to us. I asked for them again hoping they would occupy the kids. Well, crayons, coloring pages and KIDS MENUES were brought to us. It turns out they had a pretty nice selection including chocolate chip pancakes. Now the kids want chocolate chip pancakes. I am ready to blow because we got the kids menus AFTER we ordered.

The waitress is nowhere to be seen, another waitress asks me if everything is okay, she obviously heard me complaining. She got the manager involved. Well, here is the best part. When our waitress finally reappears she tells me it was a miscommunication. How can it be a miscommunication? If you see kids at the table, bring kids menus. It seems pretty simple to me.

So, I am off my meds and irritated so I am doing all I can to not snap. If I do I know it will be bad. My hubby knows I off my meds. Does he try to make me feel better? Nope, he actually is irritated at me. I am over reacting and have no reason to be upset.

I need to calm down so I ask to stop at a store. No problem he says. On the highway I remind him I want to stop at the store. When we exit I remind him again. He still forgot to stop. In the store while I am checking out I ask hi to put the cart away for me. He was right next to where the carts are and he rolls his eyes and seriously asks me why can't I do it. More often then not if I ask him to do something for me that is the response I get. Then he walks out of the store with the kids while I am still in line.

Everything seems small and petty but everything is also magnified because I am off my meds (my fault I know). I am so mad, mad enough to walk home. I didn't because it was raining. So I go in another store alone just so I have a chance to calm down so I don't flip out in front of the kids. That helped.

We get home and I finally have my refill, now we find out that Dennis' medical insurance doesn't cover my meds unless I meet a $3000.00 deductible. I am freaking out now. I know the plan changes in January and I know the prescription coverage is much better next year. I have six days before that plans kicks in. How am I going to make it? I have reached my breaking point and I snap. He got mad at me. I was yelling for no reason and was being unreasonable he said. He should try being off these meds for two days and have the same symptoms I was having. He would snap too, earlier too I think.

Luckily my pharmacy let me buy a weeks worth of meds, it came to almost $35.00. Thankfully I was given a gift card for Walgreens yesterday. It paid for most of the meds.

It is B's birthday and I am acting horrible and now am snapping at everything. I feel like a horrible mommy and wife. What is worse is I know what is next? When I get this upset, when I snap like this it drains me to the point that I just crash. I get emotionally and physically exhausted and will end up falling asleep.

I tried to stay awake, but after I finally took my meds I did fall asleep and missed the birthday cake. I did get to give her the gift I picked out at least. D didn't know where it was. I ended up sleeping for almost four hours and when I woke up I was feeling better. B told me she had a nice birthday anyway and she loved the present I gave her the best.

Oh, where is D now? Well, a friend called and he went out. This happens every weekend. He works nights all week and when he finally is home on the weekend he goes out, leaving me home and lonely again. I keep trying to reconnect with me, but it is hard when he is never home when we have alone time.

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