What Do I Do Now?

How many months have I been writing here? How many months have I been trying to fix this mess I call a marriage? We have been sleeping apart for months. The fighting has pretty much stopped. But he can't do the one thing I need. I want romance again. I want him to reach out to me so I don't feel so alone. Put me first once in a while.

His face lights up when he sees a hockey game on TV. I can't even get a hello when I come home. I was just starting to think we could fix us. We had a nice Christmas, though again no gift from him. I am used to that though. He will buy the kids the stupidest toys but never anything for me. Okay I guess that one still bothers me a lot. Anyway we have been getting better and We have had a few nice evenings on the couch together.

Then tonight I find out that he has been trying to get together with other women. Thanks to a good friend I now know the truth. She sent me an email that he wrote. I called him and read him the evidence. He couldn't deny it. He tried to pin it on me by saying we hadn't been together for so long that he couldn't wait any more.

Seriously. Instead of reaching out to another woman why couldn't you just do what I asked and reach out to me. It was all I asked. All I needed to connect with him again. Now I have to deal with this.

If I believe him he has not actually hooked up with any of his contacts. I told him I need to think and he was on a short leash now. There was no excuse for this. I don't trust him. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to me.

So what do I do now? It is so easy to say leave him. That is my first instinct. How do I do that with two kids while I am school? In one year when I have my degree maybe it will be easier to leave?

Needless to say he will still be on the couch and I will still be alone.