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Thursday, September 30, 2010

And It Begins Again - Did it ever stop?

Here I am in a new house, almost done getting my degree and still daydream about getting out of this marriage. I am so close to being able to get a job that I want to stick it out. But everyday it gets harder to do that. Do I walk out with the kids and my stuff with nowhere to go?

This week I got my student loan check. I had already decided to buy clothes for teaching, a new laptop, and basic teaching supplies. The check was made out to me and I reluctantly deposited into our account. Not because I was worried he would take it and spend it. No, because I was going to spend it and he was going to get upset with me. I was right to worry.

I did buy a few outfits before the check cleared, but We had the money in the account to cover it and I knew the check would clear quickly. There was only one skirt left in my size and I knew if I waited the extra two days it would be gone. Of course he went ballistic on my and screamed about how I was too impatient and was dumb for buying it. Then he started accusing me of overdrawing the checking account because he just knew I would do it and then he would laugh.

We had a funeral to go to on Sunday. On the way there he again yelled at me for spending money that I hadn't even spent yet. Plus it is my money. He knew I was going to buy things for teaching and that I would be using the money. Then of course he starts suggesting things I should spend the money on. When I mention I want to replace some of the kids toys that got lost during our move he got upset again. But he still pushed for the Abraham Lincoln costume for him to wear at his sister's wedding for a two minute gag.

The kids have been asking for new toys for months now and he won't let me use his paycheck to buy them toys. So I said I would spend some of my money on them. This was settled months ago. The kids have been so patient and when the check came in and cleared I was ready to take them to the store. Wait stop, my husband wanted coffee and donuts from Tim Hortons so he needed to get them. He had a hissy fit when I said I was taking the kids shopping.

When we got back he was more upset. Again he accused me of overdrawing the checking account when we were no where close.

To be clear our account has been overdrawn, and I am always yelled at for causing it. Usually because I bought something tell him how much I spent and he forgets. Or he might buy something but if I bought anything even if it was his purchase that overdrew us it was my fault because if I didn't buy what I did the money would have been there. It could be anything, food, books, medicine. It doesn't matter. It I spend money and the bank is over drawn, even if his spending caused the overdraft, it is in his mind always my fault. When I don't spend money and it happens the bank confuses him by rearranging the transactions. There is always someone else to blame. I am not saying that I have never made a mistake, I just don't always make them.

So now he wants me to buy Christmas gifts, actually that is a great idea and I do. Through and am having them shipped to a different house so the kids don't find them. I am actually almost done Christmas shopping. Today he flips out because I used the card to make the purchases and what did I buy, it is probably something stupid and I am so careless and am going to make the account bounce. He is screaming at me because Amazon splits the payment up by shipments. So if I place one order but there are five shipments from that order that is five transactions. Again this is somehow my fault.

The place I bought the computer from does the same thing. He yells at me because I didn't go to the store and pay cash. I didn't go to the store because I didn't want to go to the mall where I might spend more money. Plus I don;t want to carry that much cash around.

He is a cash only person and the bank confuses him when they post purchases. I start with a number and subtract what we use from that number. I don't check the bank 5 times a day because I know things move around and don't want to get confused. My way is wrong and his is the only way in his mind. When an error occurs it is ALWAYS my fault in his eyes.

He is actually mad at me tonight because I am spending my money on exactly what I said I was going to spend it on. I am, he says, being careless because I don;t know how much money is in the bank. I do know how much we started with and how much we used, nut that doesn't matter because I don;t know the amount the bank says we have right now. Therefore I am going to overdraw the account.

He is calling me names like dumb and stupid in front of the kids, he won't watch what he says around them and he is mean. I am tired of being with someone who sucks all the life and fun out of me. We have mentioned separating but only in arguments. Though I know it is coming to that. He says he won't fight me for custody, but I have a feeling his mother will push him to try to keep them from me.

Maybe instead of buying a few more outfits I will see a lawyer. I hate that it is coming to this. With all the stress of student teaching on top of going to school (yes I still have papers to turn in every week) and writing lesson plans this is the last thing I need right now.

Yesterday I had to go home from school because I was sick. I slept all day and feel 100% better. Of course he thinks I am lazy because I slept all day. I keep the house clean as best I can, but it is never good enough. I cook when I can, but it isn't what he wants.

I wanted pizza for dinner tonight, I asked him if he could pick up the pizza or if I should have it delivered. He thought about and said he would pick it up. He had taken the kids to Bounce Magic. I stayed home and worked on some lesson plans and chores. He drops the kids off, picks up the pizza and comes home swearing because I was selfish. I made him take the kids to Bounce Magic because it was a rainy day and I told the kids in the summer we could only go to bounce magic on rainy days when we had the money.

So it was rainy and before I come home from teaching the kids ask him if they can go. I have things to do so I can't go. Somehow I "Shmoed" him into taking the kids when I knew he had to go to work tonight and should have taken them. All I said was it was up to him because I couldn't go. Then when he decides to go the kids hid on him and he wasted time getting them out of there. Add to that the pizza I made him pick up for me and he was mad and screaming at me. Of course he was late getting ready for work and didn't have a lunch (I got a pizza thinking he would take some to work, but he didn't want it so he would go hungry). Remember I discussed all of this with him either before he left of called him to see what he wanted to do. Things started out because he said it was okay but then when he was running late it was my fault because I should have taken the kids to Bounce Magic and I was lying about prep work for school tomorrow.

I have tried to reconnect with him. I asked him to do one thing for me, woo me. Make me feel that he loves me. Show me some romance. But because I asked him to do that I am being unreasonable and forcing him to jump through hoops. So now I think he won;t do it at all because I asked him to do it.

I don't know why I am having such a hard time walking away. Maybe because I feel I failed. I don;t want to separate the children from their father, but I can't stand the way he talks to them. I know the best thing is to separate from him and get a divorce. I just don't know how to get from here to there.

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