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Friday, November 11, 2011

Holding On

The last few weeks have been actually very nice. We have been getting along well with a lot less friction than I am used to. On one hand it scares me a little. Is this a calm in the storm? once I get used to the peace will he return back to the jerk that I am used too. Maybe he is back to the man I married so many years ago? It confuses me and frankly makes me uneasy.

In the midst of the calm I have time to think and ponder what am I doing. Why after so much bad have I stayed? I know I have no real place to move to, but I bet I could be resourceful enough to get out and find a place ASAP. Even after all the bad I still stay. I am not staying for him, I think it might be the house.

This house is the bast place I have lived in years. Our original house was a dump with no real yard. I broke my ankle there, got carbon monoxide poisoning when our furnace decided to eat itself one night. We had a level 3 sex offender 7 doors away and a drive by shooting close enough that I hear the shots and the car driving by my house as they drove away.

The last house I didn't like my neighbors, it started with our upstairs neighbor who made it her mission to be miserable and pass that miserableness onto us. Even after she moved out she still managed to be in our life and I still have to deal with her sometimes on the outskirt of my life.

This house I love, the only thing that makes it a little thorn in my side is that my husbands mother owns it and is our landlord. I do not like having my Mother-In-Law as my landlord. She is involved in my life too much and she meddles in areas that I think she has no business being in. I don't think we would let a landlord not related to us get away with what she does on a regular basis.

If she doesn't like something we, though it usually is me, do in the house she constantly tells us that she is kicking us out of the house. Still even with the threat of eviction if I do something that she doesn't like I still love this house. If I had the money I would buy it from her. The back yard is huge and wonderful for the kids to play in.

Leaving it is scary. Will I be able to find a place to live that will have a yard for them to play in. Will I be able to find a place to live that is safe, or will I have to move back to a neighborhood that I have to worry about crime in my face?

Still not having a real job also makes leaving scary. I have a substitute teaching job but they have not called me yet. What good is a job without a paycheck? I have a lead on another substitute teaching job but have not yet had it pan out yet.

I keep holding on and know that I have to let go. Will I land here and find a husband who has changed? unlikely even though the last few weeks have been happy for the most part. More likely I will have to let go and jump. I wonder where I will land?

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