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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Spitting in my Face

Gratitude Project Day 23 (for as long as I can) I'm going to post at least three things I am grateful for. Join me!; 1) That I have good friends to lean on when my days get tough! 2) That my children have such wonderful teachers that help them when they need the help. 3) That I have enough common sense to walk away when I don't want to get in a fight. Sadly not everyone who lives with me has the same common sense.

I don't know if it is the flu, maybe I have a cold. I went to bed yesterday and slept for about 24 hours. I woke up to a husband who decided that I was an unfit mother. The house wasn't picked up last night because he went to work and I was asleep. There is some clutter, but it is not horrible. Still he sees it and decides that I am unfit because I keep the house spotless.

When we dated his house was worse than our house looks today. When we lived together we never had our house spotless. When we got married our house was not pristine. It was never an issue for us. When we moved into the house his mother owned we tried to be better. I managed and the house looked better but again not perfect. When I had people over I usually had the house looking nice.

When I was so depressed that I couldn't function, the house got worse. He did nothing to clean it because by then he decided that since I wasn't working that I was the only one who had to clean. The house got bad, I felt bad and it was horrible. When it gets to the point where you don't know where to begin because you see no way to make it any better. I gave up and he decided that I was useless.

I have seen our life and house beyond repair. I have seen it where I couldn't fix it and our house is no where near as bad today. It is comfortable for me to have some clutter around and I can clean it in a few hours so I can have company over. It is not perfect and it is no where near a hoarder house. To hear my husband talk it is hoarder level and I never do anything to make it look better.

It is not the spotless house that my Mother-In-Law has. In her eyes if I have something on the floor it is messy. She thinks less of a person if they have clutter on the dinning room table.I know this because she has told me just that. I believe he words were "A good mother does not have a cluttered dinning room table. She has it clean so meals can be eaten off of it." I believe it can be cleaned off and then you can eat there. Everything needs to be put away and not visible. That works for her, but in the 16 years that my husband and I have been together that has not worked for us. Now he wants me to change and be as neat as his mother.

Maybe I could except he won't pick up after himself and has decided that I have to clean up his mess. He won't have the children clean up after themselves because that is also my job. When I manage to go out and spend time with my friends I know when I come home the house will be a disaster and I will be the one who has to clean it all up.

Now I was hired by a local school district to be a substitute teacher. I have been on the sub list for 5 days and he is mad that I haven't been called yet. He is actually yelling at me because I can't even get a job where they call me to work.

Today he spit in my face again. I thought he was being unreasonable with the kids. He wanted them to stop using the computer because they were taking videos and the background was cluttered. They have no internet access but still he was worried that the clutter would look bad. I went upstairs because I thought he was being paranoid but I didn't want a confrontation. Too late.

He followed me up and blocked me from going back down stairs. I was a captive. It sounds harsh but he was between me and the exit and wouldn't let me leave. He yelled at me and told me that he was going to call his mother so I would be kicked out of the house. That is his threat, if I don't keep the house the way she wants it he will tattle on me. Seriously, it is like living with a child.

He backed me into my room and I turned the tv on. I turned the volume up hoping he would get the hint that I wasn't going to engage. He didn't like that I challenged his manhood at one point so he pinned me down on the bed and spit in my face over and over again.

It has been a long time since he got physical with me, I stood up to him and he stopped. Now he is starting again. I am so close to getting money so I can get out. I need this sub job to start calling me and I need to get out. Am I really sick or am I just giving up? I am so tired that I want to just sleep and sleep and not have to deal with him.

The closer I get to getting out the more of a jerk he becomes. I walk away to not fight with him and he follows me just to start a fight and make it worse. Maybe I will work tomorrow, I need to focus on the possibility of a good thing and not the despair my marriage is in now.

1 comment:

  1. You need to get out of the marriage now. He is a mean spirited monster and the rage will intesify. Get an attorney and get out. You can't fix him. The house and the "clutter" are completely irrelevant.