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The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

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Monday, January 4, 2010

Emotionally Numb

Its back to school time and of course that is a change in routine. One week off of school is all it takes I guess. Oh the tears my son shed today made me want to cry. Of course it doesn't help when you are dealing with marriage issues too. It was a rough day for me too. How do I handle all of this? I can't take time to deal with the betrayal when one of my babies is having such a bad day.

I admit that after my daughter went back to school today I went back to bed. I have had such a hard time sleeping the last few nights. No children were home so I had time to mope.

D has been very attentive to me the last few days. He even bought me a gift. It was just something from the dollar tree, but he never buys me gifts. Oh it is not making up for what he did. He will be on his best behavior for the next few weeks, but I know he will return back to super clod.

And so here I am, once again facing the end of my marriage and I am scared. Every time he is out of the house for a long time I wonder what is he really doing. And he goes out a lot. He also takes his time when he is out. Hours can go by. I was suspicious before because he would be gone for so long and have stupid reasons for being gone for so long.

I think the worse part of this is I am really not as upset as I feel I should be. Even when I confronted him I was not yelling at him. I feel strangely calm about what happened. I am so tired of being the one working to get our marriage back on track. I am tired giving suggestions to help our marriage only to be ignored. I am tired of getting into fights because we are having trouble just talking with each other. I am just plain tired.

And so here I am, once again facing the end of my marriage and I am scared. I was prepared to leave if I had to after I graduated. I never dreamed I would be facing this choice with a year left of school. I never dreamed I would be in this situation. I feel betrayed and am emotionally numb.

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