Thursday, January 21, 2010
Its About Me
So what do you do when your worse suspicions come true? Those two to three hour mystery drives start to make sense. Mysterious out of the blue shaving before a trip to the grocery store is seen in a different light. The denials that anything happened still ring in my ear and the garbage that this is my fault is thrown back in the face of the man who uttered them.
This last year has been a whirlwind of destruction for me. I have worked to rebuild this crumbling marriage. I brushed the suspicions aside and accepted his differences and worked on my anger issues. I allowed him to be who he is and started reinventing myself. I am the only one who I can make change. It only took two years of courtship and twelve years of marriage to accept that.
All I ask for in return from him is a little romance. I want to be swept off my feet again. But then I see him falling asleep on the couch and eternally watching the hockey game, thanks to the NHL channel he can watch hockey 24/7 now. There is no summer free of hockey for me anymore.
He now is obsessed with curling. I know, curling!!! He had a countdown on facebook for weeks announcing when he was going to curl for the first time. The only time I am mentioned by him on facebook it is because I prompted him to do so. I see the passion in his eyes for curling, and am jealous.
I stood up to him after the spitting and hitting and let him come, granted not back into my bed. That was the only thing I could control. So I took it away, until I felt like a wife again. I am still waiting to feel like that.
I took months for me to start to trust him and love him again. Then just when I thinks things are going well he betrays me by reaching out to other. People he doesn't even know, that is the worse part. He said since I cut him off that he had to go to other people.
He swears he stopped and he even said he was sorry, which he never does. That is one of the things we argue about. He just never things he is wrong so he feels since he doesn't think he is wrong that he doesn't need to apologize. He said he was sorry.
I can't afford to leave him right now. So I decided to stay, finish my degree and when I get a job I can reevaluate how we are then. My gut says leave, take the kids and never turn back. My brain tells me I can't support myself, let alone two children on my own. What he makes barley covers our expenses now. How can it support two households?
So I stay. I spend most of my time in a different room than he is in. We watch two different televisions. We have no common interests anymore. Did we ever I find myself thinking?
I am selfish, I want to have what we had long ago. I want him to with no warning in the super market to hug me an announce he loves me for no reason. I want to get lost in his eyes again. I want to feel the flutter in my heart again. I want to feel loved. Yes this about me, it is about my feelings and its about who I am today.