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The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

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Monday, March 28, 2011

So Frustrated

He is back to yelling at me because I spend money. I spent $45.00 which was not even close to enough to "Bounce us". His reaction was to scream at me and tell me I am sick in the head. Honestly I just give up. If he spends money on the kids that is okay, not a problem. But if I do, I am really spending the money for me and it is unnecessary. I don't even say anything back to him anymore. I just let him scream and swear at me and don't react. A reaction just feeds into it and drags it out into a huge argument. He gets mad at me for things I might do in the future, he gets mad at me for things I did in the past over and over and over again.

Now if I get mad at him, I am over reacting and whining. Or even better it ends up being "my fault" In his eyes he can do no wrong and I am at fault for all the things that go wrong in our world.

The other day we went to a fish fry. I knew how to get there, at least the usual way. So when he turned off the expected route I casually asked him where he was going. Now we were turning toward a bank and a grocery store so I didn't know if he needed to stop there first. Big mistake. I had forgotten that he will take odd turns to avoid stop lights. He flipped out and started yelling at me calling me "Dummy" in front of the kids. He just wouldn't stop.

Today he told me that if I eft him no other man would have me. He said"I don't care how you look, but other men will." He knows I have one foot out the door and is trying to groom me to feel so worthless that I won't leave.

I started saving money which is hard with him so focused on watching how I spend every penny. I am looking for a place to rent. It is the first time I have had to look for a place for multiple people and I want a place with a yard so the children can play. I bough supplies to build a garden that are easily moved so I won't have to leave them behind.

I have a few applications out so hopefully I will get a job soon. If not I am going to advertise as a tutor on Craigslist. At the same time i don't want to be away from the house in the evening because when I am nothing gets done. Sometimes I come home to find no dinner has been served, homework isn't done and no baths have been taken. He leaves for work and I have less than an hour until bedtime.

Since I have had my meds adjusted I have been feeling so much better. I have been happy cooking in the kitchen and yes I spent some money hoping to organize the house better. It is so frustrating when it all seems to be going well and then suddenly it all falls apart.

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