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Friday, March 25, 2011

The World is Perfect

Sometimes it is so hard. Chaos seems to rule. It is not that I never know what will happen. It is that I know the unthinkable will happen and it does. Sometimes it is fun and amazing. Other times it makes me want to scream. It is something all parents have to deal with I know. But why does it seem to be focused on one child in my house? Is it just the Asperger's that drives me crazy?

He had a research project due this week. He knew how to look things up with Google but he had no idea what to do next. So I helped him. I helped him after he did his regular load of homework. His regular load that has quadrupled because of state testing. I just wanted him to go to bed. He was bouncing around and he has these facial expressions that are so unusual. He talks with a voice that just grates on my nerves. I am his mother. How can I get mad at him for facial expressions and sounds that deep down I know are part of the Asperger's?

I have to close my eyes and take deep slow breaths, I need to not snap. I need to forget that it is almost an hour after his bedtime. Just breathe...

Finally the homework is done. The research project is done, he might have learned how to look things up on the internet, take notes and put the data on a graphic organizer. Now he wants some snuggle time with me. Snuggles, will he let me hold him? I never know.

No holding tonight. At least not during snuggles. He pulls away from me. We talked about the day. What did he like about it? Some how it always involves pizza. Pizza is a word that could mean anything. It could mean pizza or it could mean anything else. It can be a name or an action. It is his catch all. It is his safety. It is his summary. Today was pizza!

At last it is bedtime. He is off to bed. I am ready to crash. I just want to turn the TV on and watch shows I DVRed that I want to watch without interruption. It is my escape at the end of the day. It is my closure. He sees the book we are reading and asks me to read to him tonight. I look at the clock and it is so late, he needs to sleep, I need him to sleep. But he looks at me with those eyes. He is so darn cute that I fear he could get me to do anything right now. Okay I'll read.

I lie on his bed and open the cover, I turn to where we left off and start to read. He snuggles up next to me and leans against me. There is the snuggle I crave. His head now touches mine and the world is perfect. It can be so hard, sometimes I don't think I can do but right now, in this moment the world is perfect.

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