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The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

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Monday, September 12, 2011

I Miss the Intimacy

The hardest part of my marriage being over is that there is no romance. There are no hugs or kisses no not even any real touching. Before we dated I didn't miss it probably because you can't miss what you don't have. I would date but not that often. I didn't open myself up to others on an intimate level very often maybe that is why I never missed it when it was gone. This time it is different because I had it for such a long time and now it is gone.

I stayed true to my vows. I never even considered looking outside of my marriage for what was missing. I asked him for more romance, I told him that it was missing and we had to learn how to reconnect on a physical level. Instead of trying to repair us he went elsewhere. Now I am alone even if we still live in the same house. The connection we had is gone and I accept that even if I miss it at the same time.

The only interaction we have now is more on the negative end of the spectrum. Either that of we avoid each other for hours or days at a time. It isn't good for me, him or the kids. Funny how even after I know our marriage is over I still can't hate him. I still try to do nice things for him. I still see things in while shopping that I know he will like and make a not of them for Christmas or his birthday. I know that he will be a part of my life always and I still want to make that as nice as possible.

Tonight he called an hour after the kids went to bed to say goodnight to them. When I told him I wasn't going to call them to the phone he hung up on me. That is how he deals with me now. No more kisses, touches or intimacy. The most interaction we have is negative. I still can't afford to leave. I am not going to look for any intimacy elsewhere until we are divorced. I am not going to be like him!

So I am lonely and craving the touch of another. Luckily I still have my dreams. At least through them I find some connection, even if it is not real.

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