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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Once Upon a Time There Was Communication

I knew it was too good to be true. I was "allowed" to go grocery shopping tonight with the kids. We all went to my daughter B's school open house. Daddy had to leave right from there to work so we took both cars. Since we didn't have snacks for bedtime or for school this week I casually mentioned that I would take them to the store to buy snacks and maybe one meal for the week. What was I thinking, no good could come from me spending money. I should have known better, especially after the way he woke me up yesterday.

I bought the kids snacks, nutritious snacks, not the garbage that he would have bought. I looked at the nutrition labels and bought snacks that could double for a quick breakfast (breakfast fiber bars). I bought the ingredients for my chicken fajitas that we all like to eat. It is a nice healthy vegetable rich meal. Finally I have found a way to make it so the kids enjoy it. I didn't buy anything unnecessary, it was all food we actually needed.

He called to say good night to the kids, this time before they went to bed, and I told him I bought snacks, breakfasts and the ingredients for the fajitas. No surprises. He took a deep breath and told me okay, He didn't ask how much I spent, I figured since he goes grocery shopping more than I that he knew how much food costs.

Well, apparently once again I was reckless. I had no right to use the money. It was supposed to be used for the new car that he has been trying to buy for three years now. His mom loaned us the money for that purpose and we always pay her back at tax time. No worries, we have been doing this for years. If we need to make a large purchase in the past she fronts us the money if we don't have it and we have always been able to pay it back.

To be fair, without this money in the account there would have been times that we didn't have the money to grocery shop or buy gas. There have been times that both of us have dipped into the car fund. The difference is that when he does it it is not an issue. When I do it I am stealing. Never mind my name is on the account and I do all I can to replace it from returning bottles to selling things of mine.

In the past food has always been priority. If we had money that could either be spent on food or anything else food won. B's lunch is at 11:15 in the morning, she needs a snack in the afternoon. Same for P, his lunch is close to 1:00 in the afternoon. The bus picks him up at 8:00 in the morning that is a long time between breakfast and lunch. As a teacher I have seen the difference between children who have a snack and those who don't. Snack helps them get through the day. So I bought them snacks for school. I told him I was going to do it, I told him I did it.

Surprise, it was a little after 6:00 this morning and up the stairs he comes. I spent too much money, I should have known the money in his pocket was all the money we had left for the week. Now if the money was in his pocket why didn't it occur to him to give it to me to shop with? He also neglected to tell me a dollar amount to stay under. So I used my judgement and was wrong.

Honestly if he could just communicate with me so many of these arguments would not happen. So many of our fights are because he is mad that I did something that he didn't tell me would bother him. When we first dated he would tell me that he wasn't Kreskin, so I would have to tell him all the information he needed. He couldn't read my mind and this would help us not to misunderstand each other. Brilliant, if only he would follow his own advice now.

We had an argument last week where he screamed at me that he was having trouble at work and I had no idea what it was like. He was right because he never talked to me about it. We don't talk about anything. I try, I start conversations to only have him grunt responses or maybe get a one word answer from him. Other times he just replies not paying any attention to what I am saying. It wasn't always like this. Once upon a time we would talk to each other for hours.

Oh but when he doesn't like what I am doing he will have no trouble communicating, right in front of the kids he will tell me all the horrible things I have done in his mind. Of course this morning was no exception. B woke up super early, hours before she was supposed to. Oh how I wish you could just tell a child to sleep and they would. Since she was awake so was I. Bad things happen when a six year old is unsupervised and going bump in the night. Another night of me being up all night.

Now I don't have a job yet, I clean the house after the kids go to sleep - apart from random picking up of things during the day. Once the kids go to school if I was up all night I go to sleep until they come home from school. No harm is being done. I am not supposed to be doing anything else. If I have something I need to do even if I am tired I do it. When I student taught if I didn't sleep the night before I went to work and managed to get through my day. So yesterday and probably today I will sleep through part of the day.

As he is yelling at me it turns from my being reckless because I bought food for the week to how horrible I am because I sleep during the day and night. I wish! There have been time I have I am not going to deny it. Usually I was sick. Those days he remembers and throws at me when he is mad at me. My psychologist says one reason why I do sleep more than I should is to escape. I hide in my dreams. Since we discussed it I have made a point to be more awake. But when I haven't slept all night and I have been pulling 24 hour mommy duty, don't tell me that I have no right to sleep when it isn't hurting anyone.

So he is yelling at me telling me how I am reckless with money and he was going to put all his money in a separate account, which will keep me finally from having access to money. No more shopping for me. Now B is upset, she is next to me during this whole rant. She doesn't want daddy to shop for food because he picks out food she doesn't like. He doesn't remember to buy snacks, and then she cries.

Two early mornings in a row he has made her cry by screaming at me for spending money. Two days in a row that communication between us would have helped. Two mornings that I tried to get him to talk instead of screaming and berating me. I know he won't change, I have to be the one who does. The more I do that in his mind is wrong the further he gets from me. Sadly because our communication is missing I have no idea what his expectations are until it is too late.

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