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Monday, January 23, 2012

He Says That He is the Victim

‎Gratitude Project Day 57 (for as long as I can) I'm going to post at least three things I am grateful for. Join me!; 1) That cooking helps me feel better when I have had a rough day. 2) That my cats are snugglers and cuddlers. 3) For dreams and never letting them go!!!

It has been a long day. I spent money and he found out about it. It will not take food out of our mouths and it will not prevent bills from being paid. It is however something that he does not like and he didn't give me permission so he freaked out. He woke me up and screamed at me. It took all my effort but I didn't yell back. I just let him go on and on. His new expression today is that my brain is fat. My daughter was home and I want the fighting to stop infront of them.

He just wants to fight until what he wants to say is done. It doesn't matter to him who hears as long as he can say what he wants to say. It may seem that I am making an assumtion about him, but I have asked him to stop arguing with me infront of the kids. He usually replies with that he is not arguing with me, I am the one who ALWAYS starts the arguments or he needs to say what he wants to say and I have no right asking him to be careful about what he says and where he says it.

Then today he actually said it was my fault that he cheated because I am always spending money. He keeps asking me why I don't have enough. He says that he doesn't buy himself anything so why do I keep spending money. I buy my children clothes, things they need for school, I buy things I need and very rarely buy things I want. I wish he could see all the things I don't buy when I have the money. I wish he could see that I pass by many items because I know we need to buy food this week. But all he sees is dollar signs and not what the purpose of the purchase is.

The argument he used today was that I am keeping food off the table. I went grocery shopping yesterday (because he is being nice [his words] and letting me do that again) and I have more than enough food for the week. He thinks he is the victim in our relationship. Afterall I am the instigator in his mind. I instigate and he just reacts. If I make him mad and he lashes out at me in his mind it is my fault.

I found out that he reads my blog. He thinks that it is filled with half truths. This is our life as I see it. If he doesn't like it maybe he should do something to improve it. I was surprised that he told me he reads this. He holds it oer my head that I want to leave. He must not want me to stay because he does nothing to try to convince me to stay. Yes I want to leave and the first chance that I can leave with the kids I will do so. It won't be a surprise. I might just have a party to celebrate it.

Truth be told tonight after he finished yelling at me and telling me in no uncertain word what a failure I am. How I am a blob and all I do is "Plop myself down" while the kids were in their rooms listening to us. After I shut myself in the staircase to get away from him. After all that both children snuck up to me and clung to me. They wouldn't leave my side until they knew he had left the house to go to work.

He is not the victim here, they are. I feel like a horrible mother because I don't have the resourses to get them out of here. So I sit here and cry, I cleaned the kitchen and made the meatballs for dinner tomorrow. Then I am off to bed wondering if I will work tomorrow. Wondering how I am going to save enough money to get us out of here and get us a decent place to live.

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