Isolation

     Once upon a time I had friends.  I had people who I hung out with and couldn't wait to spend time with.  When did that stop?

     I took a job once and the farewell dinner was huge.  So many people and today I can't remember the last time I spent any time with them.

     I'm in my room, have been all day, avoiding everyone.  It is what I do.  I have isolated myself.    It took years but I have pushed or lost almost all the important people from my life.  I am all alone.  I spend time with people but I always keep them at arms length away.  When I can't be handle it anymore I isolate myself and allow myself to be.

Why am I so comfortable alone?

I Need to Listen to My Gut!

     As soon as he walked into the living room I knew.  I knew I needed to look for my bank card.  I did and when I couldn't find it I knew he had it.  It was Christmas Eve and I tried to cancel the card.  I can't begin to describe the frustration I felt when I couldn't get through to a person to report my card stolen.

     Then the next day when I looked at my bank balance and saw all those transactions and couldn't believe he had done that.  Then I backtracked and saw it had been going on since the 10th.  I never felt so hurt and helpless.  I think it was because I should have known earlier.  I had a few moments when he looked at me or said something and my gut instinct was "Don't trust him!"  Why didn't I listen to me? Luckily I figured it out and I started to listen to myself again.

      My last image of him was of him getting cuffed next to my car. Three police cars and several police officers all working together to do all they could to make sure he paid for what he did to me.  How the police picked up his phone from me so I wouldn't have to have any contact with him, and they even took his size 13 boots.  I can't imagine what I would have done with them.

     Now I deal with the aftermath, the emotional rollercoaster!  You see I still love him.  I wasn't able to turn that off.  I will get her it and I will move on.  I have found some comfort in talking with his mother a couple times.  I also briefly chatted with someone I thought would bail him out and that won't be happening.  He is going to remain in jail at least until the trial.  Though I wish he would just plead guilty and just accept his fate.

My coping mechanism I have found is locking my bedroom door.  I never did before.  I am not locking people out.  I am looking myself in, it makes me feel safe and secure.  Time will pass and I suspect I won't need the lock.  Tonight though my door is locked and my cat and I are watching Dr. Who.  We are safe and I am going to trust my gut the next time it tells me something is wrong.

I Won't Allow It!

Looking back I should have known.  Wait, I think I did know and just didn't want to.  There was no passion.  He was always happy to see me.  Still, after not seeing me for a month he barely kissed me. Our kisses were always kisses of a couple who were together so long they were comfortable.  No passion, just comfort.

I should have listened to myself.  I wanted to check my bank account.  We were fighting and then he would beg me for another chance.  I should have listened to myself and told him to get out mid December.  Those two extra weeks I could have stopped.  Why didn't I listen to myself?

In the last week I have worked so hard to make sure he would be caught and I did it.  I made sure he was arrested.  He tried to hurt me and I stood up to him and didn't let him.  Still I am near the edge.  I need to make sure I move away from this spot.  

I can feel that it would be so easy to fall into that pit and let him win.  He thought I was weak and he thought he could use me.  No!  I won't allow it and be warned if someone tries to control me, use me, or crush me again.  I won't allow it.  It would be easy to fall into my old patterns.  But I have worked so hard and I won't allow it!  

Two for Two

I am two for two.  Two serious relationships, two times I have fallen in love and two times the men in my life have all but destroyed me.

I met him over a year ago.  It was traffic court, I have a bit of a lead foot.  I remember the first time I saw him.  Maybe I fell for him right then.  We stated talking while we stood in line.  Time passed and I found myself really liking him.  I remember thinking that if I didn't do something I would never see him again.  I actually argued with myself and gave him my business card asking him to call me sometime.  I never do that.  He is the only one I have ever done that with.  Will I ever trust my judgement again?

He called me, he was in a relationship and nothing happened except some flirting and then we didn't communicate again.  I forgot about him.  A year went by, almost to the day, and he texted me again wanting to see me.  He broke up with his girlfriend and I wasn't seeing anyone so I agreed.  That began three months of some amazing times and some horrible times that I wish I could forget.

In that time there were legal issues.  I loaned him some money, though I did have him sign a promissory note.  I doubt I will ever see that money again unless I take him to small claims court.  I got very sick and didn't trust my instincts.  I should have checked my bank balance before I finally did.  I should have done a lot of things different.

I should have booted him out when he started accusing me of cheating on him, even though I was 100% faithful, even when I was mad at him.  I never cheat on anyone I'm dating.  That happened to me and I won't do it to anyone else.

I should have made him leave when he started talking to me like my ex-husband.  I did stand up for myself and he did apologize.  Of course at the same time it looks like he was staling money from my bank account.  He figured out my pin, maybe he saw me use it.  It looks like he took almost $5000 from me.

How does the story end?  Well, I am not someone who sits and lets herself be taken advantage of.  I called the bank, I called the police and I hoped I was wrong.  Then I saw the photo evidence from the ATM machines from after we broke up.  He was smiling in some of them and laughing.  I felt like I was kicked in the gut.

He was arrested and I am pressing charges.  I'm may not have noticed while he was doing it, but now that I know I will be sure to do all I can to let him know that he picked the wrong woman to use.  I think I will be spending 2016 free of relationships.  Two bad ones have taken their toll on me.  I am sure there are some good men out there.  I don't seem to have the skill set to find them however.