Tuesday, August 30, 2011
My body is tired, my muscles just want to sleep. I can feel it in my arms and legs. I know I use sleep as an escape. When my time with him gets too difficult I get away fro it by hiding in my room and sleeping. I hate when I do it, I know it is wrong, I know it is taking an easy way out. I could do so many different things, but I don't. I lose this way but still I do it.
I look at my room and it is wreck. Why? Because I gave up. How many times can a person hear they are worthless, lazy and useless before they start to live it? I lost count. He still pins all the blame of everything wrong in our home and life with me. Today he told me that I started this, my actions led to all the things I hate in this marriage. I almost believed him. Almost!
I was awake all last night. I have had a lot on my mind. I have had many job interviews and still no job. I thought I had a job and the offer was withdrawn. Whenever I get close to getting out back I fall into this horrible marriage. I am still on the waiting list for legal council. I still have no place to move too. I still have no job to support myself and my children. I have tried to get what I need done to be able to get out and seemingly failed every time.
I should have realized that if I was awake all night, I would be tired all day. I didn't. I fell asleep in the morning and started the mistakes of the day. He woke me up not even two hours into my sleep, I asked for 15 more minutes. Such an innocent request, not unlike ones both of us have asked the other many times in the last 16 years. Today however he heard it and snapped. Not with violence, he hasn't physically struck out at me since he knows I will not be silent about it. He lashed out once again with words.
It was like I had flipped a switch from ordinary to venom. He swore and called me names and said horrible things. I was so tired that I fell back asleep assuming that because he was so mad he would wake me up again in minutes and I would move downstairs and find away to wake up and focus on life.
I was wrong. I have no idea what happened, but the next thing I knew it was time for him to leave for work. I had slept through the entire day. He again was lashing out at me with his words. I know I made a mistake. I know I should have woken up and let him sleep. But he also made a mistake. He could have tried to wake me up again. He knew I didn't sleep last night. We had talked that morning when he brought me breakfast. He chose not to try to wake me up again. We both made poor decisions today.
I don't know how long he yelled at me before he left for work. I closed my eyes and refused to interact with him. What good would it do? I tried to apologize at first. I honestly had thought that only the 15 minuets or a similarly short length of time had past. When I found out I had missed the day I was horrified. I knew I shouldn't have but he didn't care about my remorse. He just wanted me to suffer for it and used his words to lash out as me.
I tried not to listen to his words as he told me to leave and if I did I would fail at whatever I did. He told me how I had no hope for the future because I was fat and lazy and was a failure. The last thing he said to me was "Go ahead eat some more ice cream fat ass!" The only thing is that I hardly ever eat ice cream. He tells me that his mother says horrible things about me, and so does the rest of his family. So much of my life I have had to hear similar things from my piers and even long ago from my own father. It was almost enough to make me lose it years ago. Almost!
I am susceptible to depression, it is easy for me to lose myself in my depression. I take my meds and I write this blog. It is my way out. When I type these words they start to leave me and I start to fight back. I know I can't hide away. I really have to pull myself back together and remember to eat, some days go by and I eat one meal. I have to force myself out of the house, and make myself interact with real people. It is so easy to hide behind the internet, and interact virtually instead of in real life.
Today is an almost day. I could have almost lost myself by curling up in a ball and not getting out of bed. Tomorrow will be another. I have to get out of the house. I have to do something. I have to go on more interviews and I have to not stop until I get a job. I can't let an almost day become a day that defeats me.