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Friday, August 19, 2011

Will Tears Ruin My Laptop? Another Broken Heart

I was checking Craigslist for jobs when I saw one for an out of state job that called out to me. I went to the website and registered and spend hours filling out he application. There were essay questions on it. I took my time and made sure my answers were well thought out and made sense. Finally I clicked the final link and sent the application on it's way.

The next day I had a reply. They wanted me to answer more questions, these were designed to find out what type of teacher I felt I was. Again I took my time and made sure I answered the questions the best way that I could. One more final click and off it went. Once more I went to bed hoping that this might be the job for me. A job that would help me get out of here. A job that would allow me to follow my passion.

I woke up and I had another email. This one from one of the teacher's I student taught with. She had filled out a reference for me. By the end of the day the school district I applied with sent me another email letting me know it had received all the references that it required. Once again I went to bed with hopes in my heart. I had applied for over 50 jobs in this district. Could I possibly be lucky enough to get an interview.

Another morning, no emails though. I sat on the couch snuggling with my son when the phone rang. Private caller was displayed on my Caller ID. Usually I don't answer these calls. Usually they are annoying calls trying to sell me something or asking me to support a political campaign. I hit talk anyway and it was a Principal from the district I applied with. We had a short interview that ended with the Principal telling me that she was going to recommend me for the job. I should here from HR soon.

I had a job!!! I just had to wait for HR to call and offer the job to me. A couple days passed and finally I heard from HR. They offered me the job and asked me if I was interested in accepting it. YES! I said and they told me that I needed to get a couple more documents to them and pass a background check. I had the documents to them within two hours. I could think of nothing in my background to keep me from teaching and had already passed a couple similar background checks no problem.

The days ticked by. I called to make sure they had everything they needed in case I missed something. No, they had it all I just needed to be patient. One of the items they needed was a reference from a specific person, this person was not someone I wanted to ask for a reference again. I had asked once and even though they had only ever given me extremely positive feedback on my teaching skills, they would not give me the reference. Honestly I was worried. The district required it because I hadn't worked in the last five years. The individual sent them the reference by the end of the day.

Tick, tick, tick...the beginning of the school year is almost here. I was sure that the job offer would result in me moving there and teaching. I had two days available to go there and find a place to live. I called HR just before I left to see where I stood. There was no word yet, so we left. We listened to music and talked and joked. The mood was jovial. We went through a sun shower and saw a beautiful rainbow. I was so hopeful.

Then my phone rang, I saw it was from the school district and I answered expecting good news. I heard words like problem, no longer meet the criteria, rescind the job offer. WHAT? I of course asked why, they couldn't tell me. I was told that it could be because of a reference or from the background check. Why can't I know? The information is confidential. I have no idea why I no longer can have the job I had been preparing for all week.

I was crushed, I hung up the phone and tears flowed down my face. My husband tried to make me feel better and then he got mad and for once it wasn't directed at me. He does have good moments. He has been 100% behind me getting this job and moving out of state with the kids. He was thinking of following us down to stay close to the kids. It was almost like he was when we first were married.

Of course I have come up with all sorts of scenarios for why I no longer had the criteria for this position. Only two things had changed in the last couple days, the background check and the reference that I didn't want to ask for. So which one was it. Each one has its own implications.

What if it is the background check? Can I get a background check on myself to see what is turned up? Do I really want to know? I have invested thousands of dollars in this degree. If there is something in my background that keeps me from getting a job as a teacher it is money wasted. Maybe they should offer a background check to incoming education majors to make sure they are eligible for a teaching job when they get their degree.

But what if it was that reference. They required it because I hadn't held a job in the last five years. So if I work a year as a substitute teacher then I no longer will be required to provide such a risky reference. So I am applying to be a substitute teacher in several local school districts this week. What if they to require that reference? So much doubt is around me right now.

What if I can't get a teaching job? That is just what my MIL predicted when I started this program. She wasn't thrilled for me when I was offered this job. She thought it was a mistake for me to accept the position. She thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. The new job, new state and being a single parent all at once. I was so determined to prove her wrong. My first thought when I hung up that phone was that she would be right. I couldn't do it. I would hate for her to be right and for e to pay back those student loans without a chance of using the degree I worked so hard to obtain.

I am so miserable right now, a nice dinner didn't help much. I am all alone, he is down stairs and I am upstairs. The kids are at my MIL's house because we were going to have a long drive and they wouldn't have had much fun while I looked for an apartment. She is taking them to an amusement park in the morning. I wish I could have come home and hugged them. Maybe that would have helped me feel better. I didn't want to spoiled their fun just because my heart was broken.

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