Wednesday, January 8, 2014
I Control My Future
Since I have moved back in with my parents, even with all the medical drama, I have been so happy and relaxed. I have started being me again. Over the years I somehow lost myself. It didn't happen overnight, it happened slowly. Maybe I wrote about this before. I compare myself to a frog. If you put a frog into boiling water it will jump out. But if you put the frog in water and slowly raise the temperature of that water the frog will slowly die and be cooked. I was slowly dying and was close to being cooked.
Even as I struggled to get out if that pot I almost slipped back into that hot water. It would have been so easy to just stop fighting and disappear. I think if it wasn't for my children I would have done that. I think I would have just stayed. I would have let him control me and lost myself.
Once long ago I would get my nails done every two weeks. Now my nails are broken and misshapen. I can't remember when they were last painted and nice. I used to color my hair and have bright colorful clothes. I look at my wardrobe and it is mostly black.
Last week I bought myself some new bras. They are bright and colorful and more importantly supportive. It has been years since I bought myself anything like that. I m talking neon green, pink and black, and yellow. I may go back this weekend. I want more colors. I want to express myself again.
I also am cooking again. I love to cook. I love to add the ingredients together and create wonderful flavors. I love the smell and making the food look as good as it tastes. I can grocery shop and get the ingredients for amazing food without worrying about what he will say when he sees what I bought. Plus, I don't have to worry about being punished for something by not being allowed to shop.
I am paying bills and cleaning the house, cooking and caring about my appearance. I am capable of doing it. All these years that he has been telling me that I couldn't do it are gone. I can't get them back. But I took charge of my future and have all those years once again! I control my future, no one else will take that away from me again!