I'm Doing What Now? Am I Crazy? (That is a rhetorical question!)

     I am doing something I haven't had the courage to do in over ten years.  I am trying to get off my depression meds.  I originally was put on Effexor for Postpartum Depression six weeks after my daughter was born.  She is ten and a half now.  In that time, my depression got worse, my meds changed, my husband cheated on me, emotionally abused me and worse.

     Now I am divorced, I found a job that I love, and I am in a relationship that is going well.  I'm happy!  I can honestly say overall I am happy.  Sure at the moment I have no money, I actually have negative money.  That sucks but it isn't crippling.  I am having medical issues, hopefully it won't end up as cancer.  As of now it is just abnormal cells and bleeding.  Again it sucks, but I am still happy.

     So I went to my doctor and I got my dosage of Cymbalta reduced.  Hopefully I can start skipping doses in a few weeks and eventually not take them at all.   I have to see the doctor more, but hey I have medical issues anyway and I actually like my doctor.

      The only drawback is the side effects.  When I don't take my
meds, and that has happened occasionally, my brain feels mushy.  That is an odd description and the only way I can explain it is to imagine your brain is made of Play-Doh.  Then think about how it would feel to have someone slowly massage and squish it.  I'm not real dizzy, but it almost a dizzy feeling.  Honestly what I am looking for the most in never feeling that again!

     Only I would pick the time in my life when I have no money, going through a medical scare, and my boyfriend living an hour and a half a way so I hardly see him, to ween myself off depression meds.  I guess I really will know if I still suffer from depression or have learned and used skills to be free of it.


      Summer is half over so if I want to be off it by the time work starts again I have to do this now.  So wish me luck.  I need it.  And if you happen to know a millionaire looking for a girlfriend send them my way.  I can always hire my boyfriend as a poorboy.  I am sure he would understand.  Hopefully we will be in the Florida, Keys as well.  It never hurts to have a dream, lol!

My New Beginnings Hit a Snag!

   

     You find out who your real friends are when you need help.  When your best friend contacts you upset because he can't help you, you know she is your friend.  She listened to me.  She let me vent and she helped me calm down and realize it will eventually be all right.  I hope she reads this and knows hoe much I value our friendship.  I have known her almost my whole life and can't imagine my life without her.  Financial hep is needed but so is emotional.  Thank you for being there for me and I understand.

     Then another friend offers to buy me groceries.  Bright and early in the morning, when I function the least, lol.   She asked me to make a list and don't be stingy.  It is nice to know that I will have food to last me for a while.

     Members of my family, by choice, they have been there for me through so much and I hope I have been there for them when they needed me, insisted on helping me financially and wouldn't take no for an answer.    They put money in my purse and made sure I took it.  I still am not out the hole I made for myself.  But because of their help with money and food again I am 1/3 closer to the minimum I need and  I have less to worry about.

     When I got home tonight I found three more rejection emails from recent job interviews.  I figure I'll just keep applying and eventually someone will need more for the hours I am available or I will finally get my own classroom.

     I still have a ways to get out of this hole that I dig for myself.  I finally looked at my bank balance and it is very negative.  Plus they fine me $6.99 everyday I don't get it above zero.  Funny when I was at zero they closed my account before I could add ore making my payday four days late.

     But when I don't have money to add they keep the account open and keep taking out $6.99 a day basically twisting the knife.  I'm a third of the way of getting my back on track again.  It feels good to know It I am doing all I can to get it back up to positive numbers.

    My ex would be all over this telling me I was stupid and irresponsible toilet it get this bad.  And he would keep telling me it over and over again until I would be in tears.  I don't need his help to feel upset I already am.

     I did start a GoFundMe account for help.  I have had someone give to that account.  I am so grateful.  My friends who help with emotional support and food I am grateful to as well.  I have five more interviews scheduled next week.  My etsy shop is almost ready to open.  I collect pop cans to  get those  precious nickels back.  I even pick up the pennies from the road.  99 more and you get a dollar.

     I will be helping my brother with a garage sale in a few weeks and hope I can see some of my things to help me close the gap even more.

     Thank you everyone who has directly helped me, emotionally, with food or financially.  I am eternally grateful.  I have always made it a point to pay it forward when I could and now people are paying it forward to me.  I really appreciate it.  You all are amazing friends and I love you all so much.

     If you can't help me on GoFundMe please consider sharing the url for it to others.

My New Beginnings Hit a Snag

     That is my daughter's art work that made it into her school's art show.  She is a wonderful artist.

I love you all!  

Kitten Therapy

     I'm so tired.  It sounds like I am giving up when I say that.  I have gone through so much with him and whenever I think it is as bad as it is going to get it gets worse.  I think to myself, I divorced him, I'm free!  But I'm not.  I still have to interact with him.  We have children and he will say whatever he wants to in front of them.

     Full disclosure I don't make a lot of money in the summer.  He has primary custody of the kids because he won't give me any money. (That's right almost 18 years of marriage and he gives me NOTHING!)  I don't make a lot and he makes more so he has the kids.  I have them 50% of the time, but he pays for the food and medical for them.

      We have a new kitten,  she stays at my house.  They kids had two cats at my exes house, Butterscotch and Simba.  They had them from kittens.  They bottle fed them.  They raised them.  Butterscotch ran away, got lost or worse.  I hope another family took him in.  He was such a friendly cat.  I offered to get another kitten.  At first the ex said no.  So I stopped.  Then one day my daughter calls and is excited.  Daddy is letting them get the kitten.  So I make the arrangements.  She was living in another state, A friend needed a home for her.  It was all set then I found out he was going to send Simba to the SPCA.  I was furious.  I already committed to the kitten.  Sure I could back out.  Floyd is a friend he wouldn't stop being friends with me over a kitten.  But who gives their kids a choice between a kitten and a seven year old cat they raised knowing what would happen to that adult cat at the SPCA.  They are not a no kill shelter.  So I have the kitten at my house and I love her.  I think she is good for me.  Kitty therapy is fantastic.  Look at her.  She is adorable.  Her name is Munchkin Jelly Simberscotch.

     Okay I have the kitten, I don't make money in the summer, and yes I have applied for many many jobs.  The houses I am available they don't want me.  The houses they want me for I am not available.  The kids want to spend time with the kitten since their father won't allow the kitten at their house so they come to mine.

    He is supposed to provide the food for the kids.  I get them at 2:30 so I assumed that was dinner and a snack.  Turns out they don't wake up until after noon and he doesn't always feed them before they come see me.  They only bring one meal with them.  And they are hungry.  When I mention this to my ex he gets mad at me because I don't make enough to feed them.

     That was part of the divorce agreement.  He had custody of the kids and he was responsible for the food, even if they were visiting me.  I find out he is making them dinner at 1 am in the morning when he gets them home after he picks them up at my place.

     Then he tells the kids that he wants the leftovers brought back to his house.  I assume he wants to be sure that I don't eat anything.  I can't believe I married him.  The thing is if I didn't know he was the same man I married I wouldn't believe it.  They say men don't change.  That is bull!  They don't change into what you want them to be but they can and will change and it isn't always for the better.

     Tonight though he was plane hurtful.  There was an issue where he may have hit my landlady's new car.  He was livid that he didn't do it.  But still we checked.   Then because he was mad he told me how my family thinks I am a bitch and they always tell him that this is just how I am.  I am not perfect.  I don't get along with everyone in my family.  But when he mentioned one family member in particular it hurt.  And I know he did it on purpose.

     It was late so I didn't call the person.  I knew my ex said wasn't accurate. I needed to talk to the person though.  I was hurt and I needed to talk.  Luckily we are cut from the same cloth and both night owls.  We texted, because I was in tears and talking wasn't a possibility.  He assured me it was my ex being hurtful.  I knew it, but I let him get to me.

     And yes I texted my ex back.

God damnit. I am tired of you making me cry and making me feel like I'm less of a human. 

After 18 years of marriage you gave me nothing!  

You selfish bastard if you think you can take away what I have left.  

I have a job. I love my job how dare you tel me to get another job. You have NO say in my life anymore. 

You think I'm a baby. Guess what I just am in touch with my feelings and emotions you should try it sometime. 

You hurt me!  Does that even bother you a little bit. What you say has an effect on me. And the kids hear it. And they ask questions. 

Think before you speak to me. I was your wife. At one point you must have cared for me. So show me some respect. 

If you can't then don't talk to me at all. 

And keep my family out of it. Don't talk to me about any member of my family. You do it to hurt me and I won't allow it. 

You have no more control over me. Get used to it!

     Of course he had to answer.  

Again you take things to literal. If I say you should get a part time job you take it as if I am ordering you when in fact it's just an opinion. You get mad at the drop of a hat so when you raise your voice I do too. You go overboard over everything. And you forget I have assisted you with your bank and gave you gas for your car and you act like I gave you nothing. I'm not controlling your life but you blame me if I give my opinion and call it control.  If you choose to cry and feel sorry for yourself and your bad luck that's on you not me. Good night my phone is turning off now.

     I was a bit spiteful when I answered him.  One of my pet peeves is people who don't use paragraphs.  It is very hard to read when it is just one long blurb of words.  

Seriously learn to use paragraphs. Do you know how hard it is to read what you write?  

Do you honesty think I haven't applied for part time work!  Guess what hours they want me to work?  Evenings. 

You have given me almost nothing. Most husbands do the honorable thing especial when they were caught cheating and offer their ex wife some financial help. 

Not you. $20 a week for the summer was all I asked. I am more than reasonable. Nips not you. But somehow that is my fault. 

My bad luck is on you. I had the bad luck to marry a cheater.  That was 100% your fault. You emotionally abused me. That is not my imagination. There are numerous witnesses.  

If you give an opinion to be hurtful that is a problem. If you don't know if it is hurtful think before you speak.  If you are unsure don't say it. 

At least I do cry. That shows I'm a human. I'm humane and I understand emotions. I don't think you have any and if you do you have no idea how to use them. 

You are not a nice person.  

     So here I am a wreck.  And I get to see him twice more before the weekend.  Hopefully we will not speak.  I would prefer that.  Worse it looks like I was the one who scratched my landladies car.  That is what started all the dialog today.  

     I'm emotional exhausted and need a vacation, but I am a single mom who has her children 50% of the time and love them.  I am a one on one teacher to a child who is improving every day.  I have responsibilities.  I can't even afford a vacation if I could afford to take time off, so I muddle through and have kitten therapy.

This is Me!

     My ex often tells me I am a loser, no one would want me, I am a slob, and I am the reason for all our problems.  I don't listen to any of it anymore.  I left him, moved out, in December 2014.  Since then I have had dated several other men.  Four that I would call relationships.  Of those four I am still in contact and on friendly terms with all of them.  In fact many that I dated will still chat with me and still are very friendly with me.  None of them ended badly, we just didn't fit well together.  None of them ended because of arguing or abuse.  None of them had issues with me being a slob.

     The only relationship I was in that involved abuse, a bad ending and any negativity was my marriage.  Before I met him I hadn't really dated many guys.  I think he was my second serious relationship.  So I didn't have a lot to compare him too.  And honestly for the first few years he worshipped the ground I walked on.

     Now that I have dated other guys I know it wasn't me.  We all hear it when people talk to you about the abuser.  They say it wasn't you.  And you listen and understand it.  But when you finally know it and believe it, it is such an A-Ha moment.

I am with someone now who treats me like a queen.  He is attentive and there for me.  Such a difference from my ex-husband, even during our good years.  I am happy and I hope this lasts.