Homework Anxiety

 It has been over three weeks since I broke my ribs.  In that time school has begun for the kids, my grandmother, their great grandmother (Oma to them) passed away at 98 years and I have finally started working again.  Unfortunately in that same time my son has already slacked off in school and is behind in several classes and almost failing one.

     That brings me to homework.  This has been a struggle for the last few years.  I usually let him start the year and step back to see if he will do it.  Then I find out he is way behind and he has to struggle to catch up.  So this year I am on him from the beginning.  I check his homework daily and still he manages to not get it all done.

      Today I found out he lied to me about doing an assignment.  He told me he typed it at school and

printed it at school.  His teacher told me he never handed it in.  I also found out the teacher gave him an extra two days and added to the assignment.  It is the same assignment with an extra 9 sentences added to it.

      Because he lied and I told his teacher he would turn in the original assignment I wanted him to print it after the original 8 sentences and again after the added 9 sentences.  No real extra work, and both assignments would be handed in.  I contacted his teacher and he agreed with my homework solution.  My son however freaked out and was convinced he would be in trouble for handing in the extra page.

     When I say he freaked.  I mean full blown panic attack, hyperventilating to the point that he

almost passed out.  He was dizzy and unconsolable.  I called his doctor and got the service.  A doctor from another state called and suggested all the things I was already doing.  He wouldn't use a paperboy, because he was sure it wouldn't work.  Every suggestion I gave he fought.

      Finally I had to take him to Urgent Care.  It was over 40 minutes and he was in bad shape.  I drove there while listening to his rapid breathing.  Talking to him, trying to keep him conscious.  He was scared.  I was scared.  Okay I think we both were terrified.

When we stumbled into Urgent Care, he couldn't even walk on his own.  I had to hold him up and I sat him down while trying to stay calm.  The person behind the desk got up and got help immediately.    I didn't even get to check him in before they saw him.  I wanted to be with him, but I needed to give them our information.  That was the first of three separations.

     Then they needed to ask me what happened while they got him settled in a room.  So again we were separated.  I had to explain about the homework and the argument.  It sounded so petty with him so upset that his anxiety caused him to hyperventilate.  I finally got to the room where he was.  He was too hot and scared.  This had never happened to him before.  He wanted hugs but he was too uncomfortable to be touched.  My poor baby!

     Then the doctor came in, and asked to talk to me outside of the room.  I didn't want to leave P but I had too.  Then we walked all the way across the building to another room and he closed the door.  Now I was nervous.  Why did he take me so far away from my son?  Was there something really wrong that they needed to tell me so far away from my son so my reaction wouldn't freak him out?

     He just sat down with me and listened.  He wanted to know what triggered the anxiety.  Even
better he didn't want to give my son more meds.  I told him all the things I did to help and they were all what I should have done.  He needs to learn to soothe himself when he feels the anxiety.

     Another doctor came in and told Patrick to try all the things I asked him to do earlier to stop the anxiety and slow his breathing down.  Of course P listened to her.  Deep inside I liked knowing that I was doing what needed to be done.  Now I just need him to believe that those techniques will work.

                    Added September 30, 2015 - My ex-husband has gleefully decided that the panic attack my son had was my fault.  He won't allow our son to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist.  He is willing for P to learn meditation or relaxation techniques if he does;t have to pay anything for them.  It is very frustrating to no be able to get your son the help he needs because the other parent blocks your efforts.  

A Marriage Ends

The divorce papers are signed and have been sent to the courts.  Now I just need to wait for the Judge to approve them.  So much hassle to be free of him.  My goal was to get out and not financial so I didn't worry about alimony or the like.  We had no assets so the divorce is fairly simple.

I have been separated from him legally for over a year, emotionally for about four years.  Still I have to see him five nights a week for about two minutes at a time when we switch who is with the children.  The decision was made to keep the kids in one place and because we (the adults) work opposite shifts will rotate who is with the kids.

Oddly just after I signed the papers I found some CDs that held copies of photos from when the children were younger.  Photos from when we were happy.  Photos that helped me pinpoint when things began to turn.

So many memories, so many moments of our lives.  Most when we were happy, but some of tears or moments that were less than ideal.  Moments that I thought were lost, moments I had forgotten about.  Moments that have been returned to me.

I look at the photos and wonder what I would have done then if I had known what was coming.  If I had known that out days of happiness were reaching the end.  Would I have changed some of the things I did?  Would I have protected myself or my children better?

These photos started when the children were babies and I watched them grow up again.  I watched them take their first steps and their joy at holidays.  Their reactions to life, and vacations that we will never take again.  Cuts and scrapes, mud and markers on skin.  Everyday life of a family.

I witnessed things they possessed as treasures.  Things they played with in their own special way.  Bubble baths in the backyard and birthday cakes that I used to make.  I need to start making them again.  That tree we named Viviane and gave her a face.  Holes they dug in the grass.

Sports played in the backyard and in the arenas.  Some sporting events that we went to as a family.  I remembered walking around and around the arena chasing my toddlers who couldn't sit still while their father watched the game.  Mascots they met and even some players too.

That dress we bought in Disney when she was just 10 months old.  She would have gone home with Winnie the Pooh and wanted nothing to do with Grandma.  We laughed about that for years.  My son met Mickey Mouse and went swimming in the hot tub in our hotel room.

We went raspberry picking and visited local farms.  That was before he would get upset if I spent $1.00.  We visited local amusement parks that my father built rides for.  We played in the yard together.  All of us rolling on the grass and playing with the hose.  

The kids would "steal" my coffee, they still do actually.   I would pretend to chase them.  But the older they got the more he changed.  I did too, we all did.  Sadly not all the changes were for the better and many led to tears and screaming.  But so many of those photos were moments of joy.

Some of the photos made me cry.  I found wedding photos.  Photos when the marriage began.  When I was sure I met the one I would spend the rest of my life with.  When I was walking down that aisle I never thought out marriage would end with our signatures on a piece of paper.  

And so a marriage ends...

Book Fair Embarrassment

I love school book fairs! There is something about books that makes my heart go pitter patter. The thought of all those books to pick from excites me and I look forward to them all year long. The fall one is perfectly timed, the kids need books to read 20 minutes a day and this gives them a chance to pick out their very own books. Their choice doesn't always happen. I like to make sure they have a variety of reading material so sometimes I buy books that I "encourage" them to read.

My husband is not a book fair fan. Part of it is that he just doesn't understand how a book can be exciting. He is not a fan of reading and grudgingly reads only when he has to. When I say that he avoids reading I mean if you ask him to pass him a specific kind of salad dressing, lie ranch, he asks you what color the dressing is so he doesn't have to read the bottle. It is like he can make a conscious choice to read or not to read. To be fair I don't understand how he does that. Reading is so much a part of me that I don't think I could turn it off.

There are other reasons why he is not a book fair person. A big one is that books usually cost money. He does not like to spend money. Again to be fare we don't make a lot of money and there is always something we have to do without, a bill that we can't pay or a place we can't go to. Still I try to make sure we have plenty of books in the house. If I can get them at a discount even better.

He thinks we have too many books and doesn't understand why we need more. My philosophy is if they keep writing them I will keep reading them. I know I could go to the library but there is something I like about full book shelves at home. I love being surrounded by books.

Last night was the book fair at my daughter's school. She came home from school bouncing with anticipation for the event that evening. When I told her that we had to wait until 6 pm for it to open she cried because she didn't want to wait. Daddy and I both reassured her that we would take P and her to the fair when it opened. I think she spent most of the time watching the clock. When it was time to go both children were so excited.

We got to the school in just a few moments and pulled into the parking lot. Both B and P had their seat belts off and doors open before we could blink. They were off at top speed excitedly discussing what kind of books they wanted. This thrilled me because my son is not a lover of reading. I think if we didn't encourage him to read or if he didn't have to read 2o minutes a day for school that he would never open a book for enjoyment. To see him excited about reading brings joy to my heart.

Finally we got to the door and found the book fair. It was set up on the stage in the auditorium. With in moments both had books picked out. Of course the books they picked out were $12.00 books. Sadly we couldn't afford books that cost that much so I had to redirect them to books in our price range. I found one I liked for only $3.00. It was a non-fiction book filled with facts about the states. Yup, I'm a nerd and proud of it.

If you have been to a book fair then you know they don't only sell books. There are posters, pens, pencils, erasers, pointers, and all sorts of other fun non book items. These are things that we don't buy at book fairs. However the children always try to convince us that they just have to have a slime kit or a pair of mini drum sticks. Bonus, some of these items are the most expensive things at the book fair, double trouble for us.

After the kids picked out two books each they zero in on the contraband items that they know I'll say no to. I don't want to be the bad guy all the time, so I did what any sensible mommy would do, I sent them to daddy. After all he has all the money now. My son comes running up to me telling me that daddy said he could get the slime kit. Oh goodie I think! He is bouncing up and down and he is so excited. B has also convinced him to let her get a pencil with four erasers. We get in line, I have two books, each child has two books and one contraband item. So far no crying, so far no arguments. That was about to change.

Usually when I go to a book fair I buy bags of books, the spring sale is better because it is the buy one get one free sale. Still I have been known to buy a lot of books at both the fall and spring sales. This time I knew we were low on money and I only picked out two, only $8.00 worth of books. Many books I wanted stayed on the shelves. This was a sacrifice I was not used to making.

Daddy now notices Ps contraband item and asks him how much it is. Seriously, I would have asked the price before I agreed to buy it. Yikes it was $10.00 and there was no way we could afford it. Now tell any child that they can't have a promised item is difficult, but telling an child with asperger's after they are told they can get it is horrible. When daddy told him no the world ended. He was upset and frustrated, tears were streaming down his face. I tried to comfort him. Daddy unfortunately got mad. He called P a crybaby (I hate it when he calls the kids cry babies and I do tell him so).

Remember we are at my daughter's school with teachers, the new principal, parents and other students all around us. Daddy now is swearing and upset, then he notices that I have two books too and he goes ballistic. He now has dagger eyes focused on me and he is telling me how I am spending too much money, now the kids want these stupid extras and it never ends. He tells me how I have no sense of responsibility and we never should have come. Somehow I kept a calm voice and asked him to calm down. He was embarrassing me and people were starting to look.

The line slowly moved, he would storm out of the auditorium and then come back and yell at me in a hushed tone. I had no idea if he was going to pay so I pulled out a check. Big mistake! He was furious now, how dare I use that account, it was stealing (my name is on the account) and I had no right to it. He would pay he finally decided. As he paid he turned to me and announced loudly that we only had $3.00 left for the rest of the week and we didn't have any food.

Okay, I had $20.00 back home so I wasn't worried, we also have a freezer full of food as well as boxed and canned food in our cupboards. We were not going to starve. I think he is finally done and again I am wrong. He whisper yells at me as we walked out of the auditorium. No one can hear him but his body language spoke loudly. He wouldn't stop until we got home and then he only did because he had to go to work.

Today I looked through my books happy with my purchase. I thought to myself that the next book fair would be in the spring and hopefully I will have a steady job by then so I could avoid the argument that always had accompanied book fairs. Then my son came home from school and gives me his back pack. I take his folder out and open it. There glaring at me is an announcement - Book Fair and Ice Cream Social next week. This year the kids are in separate school and it never occurred to me that there would be separate book fairs. Oh oh, I'm in trouble!

When a Hurt is Overwhelming - An Aspie Tale

For years I have noticed that often there is no small ouch for my son. That is the one aspect of Asperger's that really gets to me. As his mommy I hate to see him in pain. Even if I know the pain in reality should be on the low end of the spectrum his reaction to it is on the hight end of the spectrum and above. Unfortunately I am so used to his over reaction (or a reaction that is not what is socially expected) that it is possible to trivialize it and miss a real major injury. There have been a couple occasions where he really was hurt and I didn't react to it because I assumed it was an over reaction.

In the last two or three months it has escalated. His reactions have been getting worse. He is sure that he has broken a bone and screams. He runs back and forth screaming "HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME!!!!" Any parent would panic when they heard this reaction from their child. Watching and listening to this reaction is heartbreaking. A mommy's instinct would be to grab the child get in the car and go to the Emergency Room. I have almost done just that. The decision to go or not to go is a difficult one.

First I have to get him to stop running. This in itself is difficult. Have you ever seen a trapped insect trying to get out of it's enclosure? It is a similar scene. He can not stop running back and forth. Combine that with the crying and screaming and it is a scary scene. The screaming is a combination of pain, fear and confusion. How I don't panic when I hear is beyond me? The only way to get him to stop running is to be calm, speak softly and actually catch him. Yes, I actually have to get in his path and grab a hold of him.

At this time there is no way to hug him, which is what my instincts are screaming at me to do. I have to, almost at the same instant I catch him, access the injury. The first step is find out where the injury is. Sometimes he can't tell me and sometimes you can't tell what hurts by looking at him. Again the key is a soft calm voice and often physical contact. I will stoke his back and get down to his level. I listen to him and do a quick visual assessment. Then the hard part, I have to get him to show me the injured body part.

I have fallen down the stairs and broken my ankle. My foot was turned 180 degrees. Visually when I saw my foot my heel was in the front and my toes were facing behind me. It was such a foreign sight that my First thought was that I had lost my toes. When I lived out of state I crashed my bicycle and put a spoke through my knee. I picked up my bike and walked him. The amount of blood was staggering. The reaction I am hearing and seeing from my son is a reaction a one would expect from a child if they had injuries similar to these. I look and brace myself expecting such an injury. Will a bone be broken? How much blood is there? Will I have time to get him to the hospital?

Now I know the odds are that the injury is nothing compared to the reaction. But once I thought he was over reacting and got mad at him, he really did get hurt pretty badly and I felt like the most horrible mommy ever. I look and there is no blood, no broken bones and no life threatening injuries. Maybe 30 seconds have gone by and now I have to also deal with the reactions of other people in the vicinity.

My daughter is scared, she now is also crying because like me she is neuro-typical and her impulse reaction is something horrible happened to her big brother and he is in trouble. My husband is freaking out, he may not be neuro-typical, his brain I think works more similarly to P's brain than mine. His first reaction is also that something bad has happened but instead of a quick assessment he often will react like my son is. His voice gets louder and it sounds like he is yelling. In other words chaos is all around me and it is overwhelming.

Today P fell off his bike. We could hear the scream from inside the house and it was LOUD! In runs my son screaming "HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME!" He announces to us that he broke his bone. This has been his assessment of the last three or four similar incidences. I start my assessment and my husband starts to yell. In case you are ever in a situation like this there is one thing an adult should not do, that is to panic and yell. It often makes the child more upset. It is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Not a good idea.

Chaos is erupting my husband is yelling, my daughter is crying and my son is running back and forth in the living room screaming "HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME!" I catch him and force him to show me his thumb. No blood, no swelling, no dislocation, okay nothing too bad. At the same time I tell him that he is okay and announce to my crying daughter that P is okay. This also allows him to hear that it really is okay.

Now daddy is yelling "How can I help you? What do you need?" Seriously, P has no idea, he is in pain and it is overwhelming. He hears that he is okay, but his nervous system is telling him that he isn't. He reacts because that is how he is hardwired. Daddy hears that he is okay but sees that he is reacting like it is a sever injury. Instead of listening to my calmness and reassurance that his son is okay he tries to assess the situation independently. He does this by yelling asking P over and over again if he is okay. Unfortunately P believes that it is worse than it is and this combination is making the situation worse. I am hugging my son, often a bear hug can help calm the over-stimulation. It makes him feel safe and my reassuring voice also starts to calm him down.

He breaks lose and starts running now and daddy keeps asking him what does he need. Maybe a minute has passed and it feels like eternity. He starts to understand that he is okay and pauses occasionally to catch his breath. Now my husband is yelling at me because he doesn't understand what I am doing. He reacts like P does to pain, a little pain causes a major reaction. They are two peas in a pod this way. Just breathe! That instant where I had assessed the situation now comes back to me, did I get it wrong? Should I really take him to the hospital or immediate care? So many things are happening all around me that will start to doubt myself. I have taken first aid courses as well as classes for CPR certification. I am not a first responder, but have gone through the training for first responders in another state. I examine his thumb again and it really does seem to be okay.

Not even two minutes have passed. My son is starting to calm down, he is asking me to hold him and announcing that he needs help in rotation. B has stopped crying but now my husband is upset that I am trivializing his pain, especially since I hurt myself last night trying to catch the air conditioned as it fell out of my second story bedroom window. Gravity won and I learned to never do that again.

Finally P allows me to help him calm down. I rub his back and stroke his arms and hair. I speak softly and slowly and reassure him that he is alright and that his thumb is fine, no bones are broken and it will be okay. He can now look at his thumb and accepts the liquid pain reliever. The chaos is ending and our lives start to return to normal.

I want to be able to teach him to self sooth, I want to teach him that the pain he feels is not on the same scale as his injury. I just don't know if I can. His reactions are getting worse and I don't know if I can always stay calm and help him. What happens when I am not there? What do you do when the hurt is overwhelming?

Back to School

For many parents this is the most wonderful time of the year. After a summer of fun tears often fill children's eye as that fateful day draws near. But for some parents the first day of school is filled with worry. That is how it has been for me for the past three years. It wasn't always like this. The two years before my son was diagnosed with Aspergers I too loved the first day of school.

Okay to be honest I still love it, after a full summer of two children and a marriage falling apart, sending the kids off to school is wonderful. It is the newness and unknown that worries me. This year it is a grade higher and a new school. Add to that two elementary schools have combined so his class has students in it that he doesn't know.

Tonight I realize that I forgot the worst part of back to school for us. P takes adderall so he can focus in school. It helps him to resist the urge to poke another student in the forehead, yes that is something he tends to do. Unfortunately one of the side effects is insomnia. After a couple weeks his body adjusts to it and he finally will go to sleep at a reasonable hour. But until then he will be rattling around trying to come up with new ways to get out of his room at night. At the same time I have to remember that it is the meds doing this to him, so I take deep breaths and remind myself that I love him. I can hear him playing in his room. It amazes me that he still hasn't realized that sound travels. He is always surprised when I find him in the middle of his mischief.

Then there are the back to school tears and mood swings that he gets. There are so many new unfamiliar things for him to deal with that he can't handle it all. There is a lot of new input that he has to deal with. The problem is that his brain doesn't have the pathways or doesn't provide him with the information he needs to handle it all. Every night he has been in tears and anything can set him off. It is amazing how quickly he can shift form happy to sad to mad.

At the same time I can't ignore my daughter. She also is off to school again and some of her best friends are not in her class. Like with P I do not know her teacher, this is the first year that I know nothing about both my children's teachers. Her teacher also is not utilizing a faculty webpage and I have not gotten any real information from her. Add to that there is a new principal at my daughter's school, that was a huge surprise to everyone. This year I am out of my parental comfort zone with both schools. At least I know who the principal is in my son's school. I think if he left I might have lost it.

I haven't had a job interview in a while and am going stir crazy. My worse half still flips out with little to no provocation. With him and P both on the edge mentally this week has been a horrible roller coaster ride. I try to around enough to make sure P is okay, but at same time I need to stay out of D's crosshairs so I don't snap. A simple misunderstanding between us can blow up into a huge battle.

Now if P will go to sleep then I can too. Back to school is a wonderful time of year, right?