I have been doing less lately, I just don't care anymore. When I am alone with the kids I am more active and focus on them. When they go to bed I start to clean and then I get mad. All I do to try to organize this house gets undone. The basement is still left like it was when our new dryer was delivered. The kids can't play down there, I asked him to move all the shelves and furniture back to its original locations and it has not been done. His reply to me when I asked him to do it, "Why can't you do it?"
Why can't I do it? I hear that when I ask him to do anything. He never wants to help me. And the few times he does help me he will remind me he did it over and over again. Like i should be honored that he did it.
Today was horrible. I went back upstairs and I snuggled in my bed. I was awake but under the covers. B and I were watching Billy the Exterminator. He comes upstairs and we discuss dinner. We agree the meat in our refrigerator should not be used and try to think of a dinner, I just wanted him gone. He was taking our son ice skating, peace was coming. So I said just pick something up on the way home. He was mad because I was watching tv and stormed off.
He came home after skating demanding dinner. Why didn't I make dinner. If he was going to be the one bringing home the money and buying the food then I should cook. I thought he was bringing home food for dinner so that's why I didn't make anything. He announces that he refuses to make dinner for the kids and I was told to make dinner so it was my job and I had to do it. Then he grabs the phone and storms off.
I stayed upstairs, one of two things would happen. He would feed the kids and leave me alone or he would not feed the kids and I would once he left for work. I knew if I went downstairs that we would fight and I didn't want that to happen in front of the kids. I stay away from him most of the time because I don't have the energy to fight with him anymore.
The same thing always happens when we fight. No matter what the fight is about in him mind I started it. It won't end until he says what he wants to say. If I don't say what he wants to hear he gets more upset. So I stay away to avoid them.
He is about to leave for work and he is still upset. I am a blob who does nothing, he has had enough and announces that he is calling him mother so she can kick me out. I can have all the furniture but how will I get a job, I will have no car. Our car was my car before the accident. It was bought to be my car, but he refused to let me register it in my name. He registered it in his name.
I told him that because I thought he was bringing home food, I didn't cook. Why would I? He turns around and says that he gave me money last night for food and I chose to feed them food we had already. So use that money for tonight. I find out he quizzed the kids on dinner last night to find out how much money I spent.
It all comes back to money. He has to know how much money on spend on what and if he doesn't approve of it the world ends. He will then bring up purchases that he doesn't like to use against you. Today he actually said that because I use paypal "all the time" he can't pay bills.
He controls the money, I sometimes spend it on things he doesn't like. I know that I will get yelled at. Even if I tell him my plans I never know when he is listening. I think I have permission, but sometimes he just answers not hearing what I say. I never know, it is like walking in a minefield. I know if I spend money there is a good chance I will get yelled at. i will be called names and I will be harassed.
I can't even grocery shop anymore. I love to grocery shop. I miss it. He took it over because he thinks I don't know how to do it. Like he pays the bills because I don't know how to do it. I know I am not as stupid as he trys to make me feel. Still I cry and still I hide away from him.