Good Days

Nothing is worse than the "good" days. They are not really good, just pauses in the bad. When we manage to have a conversation, when we spend some family time together I keep expecting it too break apart into chaos. The last few days have been okay. But still I fear tomorrow.

I don't just take it, I fight back when I can. Not with force, but by reflecting back to him what he is doing to me. He has know abuse victims in the past, one who is close to him. One that he would bend over backwards to help. Sometimes putting her in front of us. I have pointed out to him if her husband did to her what he does to me he would do all he could to get her out of there. He knows I write this journal. The only reason it bother's him is what if it effects his job. What would people think of him. "Well", I always say back to him, "I only write what you do to me. If you don't like your behavior change it!"

Of course in his mind I am at fault. I "provoke" (his exact word) so it is my fault. All arguments we have somehow are twisted in his mind to be caused by me. Inevitably when we fight he will tell me that I started it. I usually reply with it doesn't matter who starts it, I just want to end it.

So here I am in the midst of a series of good days. There has been no arguing, there has been no fighting. Though I stay away from him. I hide upstairs. I haven't been feeling well. I have an ache in my lower back, I wonder if it is real or is it my body giving me an excuse to hide from it all.

When he leaves for work I used to do my homework and prepare my lesson plans. I had work to devote myself too. Now when the kids go to sleep it is just me and the TV. I drink my cola and eat my dinner alone. How can have almost 500 friends on Facebook and be so alone.

My parents invited my family to a spaghetti dinner on Saturday. I haven't told anyone about it yet. I'm afraid to go with him, If he acts like he normally does I don't want him to go. If I take the kids alone and my son has an aspie moment I have to be with him and then what about my daughter. I hate that I have to think about things like this when I might want to go out with the family. My son and I both do not do well in crowds. So do I go and risk it, or do I spend the day home with everyone cooped up in this house.

What if the good days end before the weekend. I never know when they will end. I never know what triggers him. It is like a natural disaster. No warning, then total destruction.