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Friday, January 21, 2011

It Would Be So Easy

I can't remember the last time I left the house. I have one maybe two good friends, and I can't even remember the last time I saw them. It is so easy for me to hide away from the world. I type on my blog and make contact that way and shy away from human contact. This is more than just my "fear" that I have always known about. I don't know how to act in public. I am afraid that everyone is talking about me behind my back.

In high school I really didn't open up to anyone until my senior year. Then I had to do it all again in college. Somehow I managed to overcome my fear of public speaking enough to teach in the planetarium. I think it helped that it was in the dark and I couldn't see the audience.

My good friends that I still interact with regularly from high school number one, and she is the same one friend I still interact with on a regular basis from college. Oh I still keep in touch with many people from both periods of my life, but that is just done via the internet, and I am scared because my one face to face friend is slowly becoming an internet friendship too.

I wish I had someone I could go out with. The last two people I invited out for dinner with me never even bothered to reply. I can't go out on weeknights because he works. I don't even know anyone I can count on to be a sitter for my kids so I could go out. I have been so busy the last 18 months of my life going to school and doing my homework and writing lesson plans that now when I have time to do some fun things I don't know how to do it.

I have withdrawn so much from people even my mommy groups that I don't think if I reached out that anyone would join me. So here I am, sad and lonely. It can't be easy to live with. The depression gets to me, the anxiety gets so bad that I feel I am about to scream. My last shrink wouldn't or couldn't help me and I am looking for a new one.

No I am not saying that the problems in our relationship are my fault, I know that is not true. I am saying that I did contribute to some of it. Once upon a time we were happy. There was a time when my heart skipped a beat when he looked at me. I can still remember the first time I saw him. It was like time stopped for that moment and engraved itself into my memories.

I promise myself that I will call someone this week. I promise myself I will get the help I need. I promise myself I will reach out to real people and make contact more often. I can't hide away from life. It would be so easy, but I won't.

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