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The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Wishes and Tears

My daughter is sleeping and I watch. She sighs and mumbles in her sleep as she rolls over. I can't help but cry. Here I am miserable and she is so happy. But I am about to completely turn her world upside down. I hate that I am going to make my babies cry. Either I leave or he does, I know that needs to happen. It looks more and more like I will have to be the one to leave and take my babies with me. I hate that I have to shake up their world more than it needs to be. I think I could make the phone call if I knew or even suspected that we could stay in this house.

I hate to say it, but I actually like this little house we live in. We haven't even been here a year, but I feel at home here. Well I would if I wasn't hiding in a bedroom trying to stay out of his way.

I tried to make the call tonight. I didn't do it. I don't want to call anyone.

I think I could just disappear into myself right now. Sleep is like a release to me. I have such nice dreams, dreams where I am happy and dreams where life is good. Instead here I am afraid, and miserable when I am awake. I emailed some old friends a few days away to ask if they wanted to have dinner with me. Days have gone by and there have been no replies. So I am hurt again, hurt and lonely.

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