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The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

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Monday, January 10, 2011

So Many Fears

Lately all I have wanted to do is sleep. Living in this house is like being in prison. I don't want to cook or clean. My only joy is the time I spend with my children. Our landlord is his mother and I know as soon as I take a stand I will need to leave. I can see no way she will allow me to stay. Three of us will need to uproot our lives because I married a selfish person. I have nowhere to go. We have no place except this home, and it isn't even ours.

I look around the room I am in. I see my surrender to this life and I hate that I gave up. I'm afraid that when I get out I won't be able to make it. I'm afraid to take my children away from their father. How can I start a career after being a stay at home mom and be a single parent at the same time? I'm afraid to admit I made a mistake 15 years ago when I thought to myself "Wow, look at him!".

I'm afraid to be me again. Someone recently asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Such a simple question that when asked to a child will result in an endless reply or a list that one could trip over. I couldn't answer. Nothing came to mind. I could think of things for the kids. I could think of things to use around the house. I could not think of anything that I wanted for me. How much of my identity have I lost?

I gave up so much to be "his" wife. He didn't like my religion so I toned it down. Now my children don't know what my religion is and I hide it from the world. When we moved he didn't want to bring some things I loved here and I caved. So many things I wanted that he didn't have been lost in time.

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