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Friday, January 7, 2011

Why Can't I Make the Phone Call?

I know I need to get out. I have no choice. Why can't I take the first step? I know who/where to call, I looked it up. I found this.

Domestic Violence (DV) is abusive behavior - emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual, sexual, or physical - that one person in an intimate relationship uses in order to control the other. Abusers use fear and intimidation to maintain power and control over their victims. Coercive tactics used by abusers include:

Emotional/Psychological Battering
verbal abuse (name-calling, belittling, swearing, screaming); isolation; limitation of free movement (taking keys away, refusing access to a vehicle or phone, restricting right to leave the house); stalking; sleep and nutrition deprivation; extreme jealousy; threat of abuse; killing or threatening to kill you, a loved, or even a pet

He calls me fat, which is true, but he uses it hatefully. He always calls me names when he is mad at me. Lately he has been telling me how useless I am and no other man would want me because I am fat and lazy. (keep in mind I have not once been anywhere near skinny in the time he has know ne so my weight should be no surprise to him) He swears at me all the time, we all yell, But I try not too. Today he threatened to kill our pets.

Financial/Economic Control
withholding food or money, lying about assets, not allowing access to school or work, destruction of property, on-the-job harassment

He gets mad at me when I spend any amount of money, it doesn't matter what I spend it on. He doesn't give me cash unless I ask for it and then it is the minimal amount. I can get money out of the bank, but he is so onsessive about our money that if I take any out and he doesn't want me to have it he will yell, scream and fight with me about it. To the point that I have started to hide money and say I spent on something he approves of so I have it when I need it.

Spiritual Abuse
Undermining one’s faith, denying access to faith communities, using holy books and reading to maintain power and control

He makes fun of me because of my religion. He refuses to let me practice it in the home.

Sexual Violence
accusations of infidelity, forced sexual activity, marital or acquaintance rape, sexual abuse of your child

Nothing here

Physical Abuse
hitting, slapping, kicking, shoving, pushing, denial of medical care or medication, punching, using or threatening to use a weapon

He has pushed me, shoved me, hit me, and spits on me.

Add to all of that as if I can take any more are the love letters I have found to other women, emails to strangers seeking sex, and finding a condom in our car. Then of course the mystery two - three hour drives to the store or to get gas.

I wish I had a place lined up to go with the kids and pets. I think we all have had enough. I am so broken and sad. I feel so alone and depressed. I'll call my doctor tomorrow to see if he can adjust my meds. I have so many calls to make, I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone.

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