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Saturday, April 30, 2011

It's All My Fault (NOT)

He says that it's my fault...

I tell him that he yells at the kids too much so he is afraid to discipline them, so it is my fault that they won't listen to him.

I should have the house clean to his mother's standards because I don't have a job. He shouldn't have to clean because he has a job, so it is my fault the house looks cluttered.

When we have arguments I provoke so he spits at me, so it's my fault.

I have cut him off so he has to find affection elsewhere so it was my fault when I caught him soliciting other women or found a condom in the car.

If his mother kicks us out of this house because she thinks it is too messy, it is my fault. He accepts none of the responsibility

So much weight is on my shoulders that it is crippling.

I am not perfect, I don't have good housekeeping skills. I don't know why. I try, It seems like it should be so easy. Pick things up and put them away. Throw away the trash. Wash the dishes, put them away, clean the sinks and tub, toilet too. Wash the floors, vacuum,...

Then it slips away and I fall behind. Then I get overwhelmed and shut down. He used to back me up. When did it stop? I can almost pinpoint it to the day. When our son was diagnosed with asperger's. Was it the diagnosis? Was it the therapy that I took too and discussed problems that before had been unspoken. MAybe it was his refusal to participate in the therapy. That is when the disaster of our last house began.

He stayed in the living room, I was in the bedroom. We stopped being functional and the house dissolved into a disaster. I dropped the ball, I stopped functioning and I shut down. We moved, and our secret was discovered. The house was a mess and so were we.

New house, many things have changed. I have been working so hard to not let the clutter take over again. But the issues are still there. I need to start therapy again. I stopped when we lost health insurance and just never started it back up.

I didn't want to move. I felt betrayed by his other when things we discussed didn't happen the way they were supposed to. Since then I have been living under the threat of eviction on an almost daily basis. Not by her but by my spouse.

When the a mess happens he yells and screams and announces to all of us that we will get kicked out if the mess isn't cleaned up. FOr a while we all worked together to keep it pretty clean. We hosted a Thanksgiving Dinner and had two birthday parties in our house. Oh, we would fight when we cleaned, but we cleaned.

Then I was done going to graduate school. I wasn't a student anymore so he decided that since I was home all the time and he was working that he didn't need to clean anymore. He does the laundry (I have fallen into more than one washing machine and broke my ankle doing the laundry. I try not to do it anymore) and we both cook. though if you ask him he will say he does most of the cooking.

When our son was born and we decided that I would stay home with the kids we both cleaned the house. When our daughter was born I still stayed home and still we both did the house work. It was never super clean, but we managed.

In December he decided that he wasn't going to clean anymore. I had to it all and just to make it even better he would point out when I didn't do it and inform our landlord that the house was messy so we could be forced to move.

Nothing I do is good enough. He makes as much of a mess that the kids do. I will pick up after the kids, I will help them clean their rooms, but I will not pick up after a grown man. He put his suitcase on the dining room table and left it there. Then gets mad at me because it is there.

When I manage to get a night out shopping and I come home almost two hours after bedtime to find my son in his underwear playing hockey in the kitchen with canned goods, I get upset. Then I see my daughter in stockings sitting on the couch happily watching the Disney Channel and I get mad. When he tells me that he told them to go to bed and they didn't listen I am furious. The floor of the living room is covered with blankets and toys. It was nowhere near this messy when I left. Oh by the way he is going out and I have to deal with this all, including children that need to be put to bed.

So I shut down, we fight and I start to look for another place to live. Do I start the gardens? Do I dare try to keep the house the way our "landlord" wants it if there is no backup. I feel so alone, so burdened. If she doesn't like the way I keep house she has said that we will get kicked out. How can I keep the house clean if the three other people in the house are set on keeping it messy? Two are children who I can't even blame, we set the example. The example is chaos, so it is chaos.

We don't ever make up after a fight. He hardly ever apologizes because he never thinks he is wrong. But if I point hat out he denies it. It can't all be my fault. I am not perfect. But I am so much better at keeping the house than I ever was before. There is such an improvement. I fear it is not enough.

We have been her for almost a year. We were told if the house gets messy she will kick us out. We can't forget that because my husband tells us this every chance he gets. The kids worry that we will have to live in our car because he tells them that too. Now he won't help me clean so the burden is on me.

She inspect the house. She goes through every room and so far has passed us. Then this week happened.

He was mad that I didn't clean on MOnday so he called her and told her. Then gets upset with me again when I flipped out because he did this. So I am on her radar this week. Yesterday she comes over unannounced and he let her in the house. It is her house, she is the landlord but she is also his mother. This was a mother visit, not a landlord visit.

I didn't clean as much as I usually do during the week. I was annoyed this week and let things go. I had the weekend to clean before the exterminators came on Tuesday. (Big black ants think they can live here with us in the wall of my daughter's room, they are uninvited so the exterminator was called.) I had the plan in my head.

I have asked for a 24 hour notice to be given before any of her inspections. If she is playing landlord I am playing tenant. So far that has been respected and all inspections have been passed. She points out this and that that could be better but we pass. It has been almost a year like this. Talk about pressure!

The Royal Wedding was Friday morning. My daughter wanted to watch it. It was in the very early part of the morning and I caved. I woke her up, we snuggled in bed and watched the festivities. This was a real life princess and it was a real fairy tale. When the kids went to school I went back to bed. I was tired and had no real plans for the day. I was prepared to give the house a good cleaning once the kids when to sleep. So I went to sleep.

She came over, he let her in and she flipped out. Yes the house was not clean, the dishes were done though. The table was cluttered (remember that suit case, yes it was still there) and things needed to be put away. I was protesting his lack of assistance with the kids and cleaning. He was not doing anything to make cleaning the house easier. I am making no excuses, it was what it was.

He let her in the house and though I had no idea she was here and did not hear her say it she decided to kick us out. One bad inspection and out we are. Of course when she leaves he comes upstairs and gloats.

He announces to our children that Mommy didn't clean the house so Grandma is kicking us out. The reaction was chaos. Our son, who has asperger's freaks out and our daughter starts to cry. I am being screamed at by my husband and of course It's all my fault. He works so he shouldn't have to clean.

Then he says she will be back the next day to inspect the house. Do we have another chance, do I even want another chance. Honestly when he said we had to move I was relieved. The pressure was gone, I didn't have to live up to her standards anymore. RELIEF!!!!

Somehow I got him to agree to help me clean last night. There is one room left, my bedroom. When my daughter wakes up I will get that clean. He worked on the basement. He didn't want to do it, but did it anyway. After all he told me more than once not to clean it. His words were "It's a lost cause". Since he gets to be the one who makes the decision that I have to clean I figure if he tells me not to then I don't have to.

He was not pleasant and gave me the silent treatment, that too was a relief. He called me fat and lazy. He was his usual self.

So he is on the couch that he has taken over for the last month or so. I am upstairs in the bedroom. My sanctuary. I am looking for a place I can move too, I need to get away from him, and his family. Still I wonder what do I do about the garden? Do I set it up? I was separated from my Trillium when I was forced to move a year ago. I don't want to be separated from my vegetables. I might finally be growing a purple pepper.

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