Three O'Clock In The Morning

It is three o'clock in the morning and as I pet the sleeping cat next to me it hits me. Almost 14 years of marriage are over. My life is forever changed and my children's world is about to crash. How are they going to handle it? How am I going to handle it? I was in my 20's the last time I was single. Now I will be a single mother. What has he done?

I am so mad. His poor decisions are going to effect us for the rest of our lives. He not only cheated on me, he cheated on his children too. How dare he!!!!

I need so much strength now, I need to stay firm. I can't keep him from the kids, but I can't let him get to me.

I fear his mother. She owns this house and she said she would give me time to find a place if we ended up separating. But she also said similar things when we moved out of the last house and that turned into a fiasco that still haunts us all.

Will he come home in the morning? Will he force his way back into the house? What will the morning bring? My stomach is in knots and I can't help but cry. Then I think of him calling me a cry baby and I am mad again.

I go back to petting my cat. He is purring and comfortable, so peaceful. I am envious. I hope I can sleep tonight. The rhythmic purring makes me feel so much better, maybe sleep will come. Three o'clock in the morning.

The Final Straw

Today after my husband left for work I sat down at our desktop. As usual it was on my husband's settings, I hardly ever use the desktop so that is nothing unusual. He has been getting a lot of new female facebook friends, from the looks of it, they are porn actresses or strippers. Because my kids play facebook games on his profile I will make sure it is child friendly. I checked his messages and found this.

Him
hey u there?
Her
hey whats up??
Him
got time 4 a quicky?
Her
sure lol
Him
i have to be home by 1 45
Her
ok gotta shower
Him
on my way go ahead
Her
ok

Another day

Him
hey there!!!!!!
Her
what's up sweetie!!!
Him
i was wondering, i have had many early days from work when do u leave for work
Her
usually by 5 am
Him
ok darn cause i almost called u at 5 15 am this morning
Her
but if u can drive me to grand island on ur way home i have to be to work by 7 am
Him
i wanted to ask if i took u to work what time can i come over! i see
Her
u can come over anytime as long as i'm at work by 7

Another Day

Him May 19 i was off work mondy nite and tues nite i tried to call cause i wanted to pop by those nights
Her May 19 no shit!!! damn
Him May 19
itried to caal but no one was home you were most likely at truck school
Her May 19 had to quit long story
Him May 19 i see
Her May 19 nothing bad just the way things are
Him May 19 i see
Her May 19 how bout sat. nite
Him May 19 it was a hard schedule
Her May 19 brutal lol
Him May 19 dont know but i think tomorrow nite could work
Her May 19 damn, going out tomorrow
Him May 19 the wife graduates from niagara u saturday she finished school last december
Her May 19 nice!!!!
Him May 19 i need it bad!
Her May 19 lol me too babe me too i need the rough stuff lol
Him May 19 if i eat dinner fast enough ill drop by for a quicky
Her May 19 tonite ?
Him May 19 ya
Her May 19 what time
Him May 19 like 6pm if your available
Her May 19
ok but u have to grab me by the hair and call me whore agreed lmao
Him May 19 but of course!!!!!! WHORE!
Her May 19 niiiiiiice mmmmm i love it gonna take a shower and i'll meet u in the basement
Him May 19 k 77777777777777777
Me 3 minutes ago BUSTED!!! Oh by the way this is his wife!!!

I made a PDF and a JPEG of these conversations and I have them safe and sent to various people. I called him knowing he was working, but he will call me back.

I called my parents and told them I am kicking him out, I told everyone. The more people I tell the more empowered I feel. The more I know that I can do this and stick to my guns.

The hard part was not letting the kids know what was happening. I got teary eyed, but I did not cry. I managed to get them focused on their homework and the bedtime routine. I am so glad that they have school tomorrow. If this had happened yesterday I don;t know how I would have have handled today.

Of course they day wasn't a very good one before this discovery. It is Memorial Day and every year he carries the flag for the Elk Lodge. Every year my children ride on the float and get to be in the parade. This is a highlight for my children and something they look forward to.

They were supposed to be there at 10 am. I got a call from my mom at 9:55 to tell us to bring car seats. (Which we always do because they are in our car and would be used by the kids on the drive to the lodge.) I came downstairs and he is in the shower. The kids are getting their water and are so excited. He then tells me that he doesn't want to go and I should take them.

The Elks are depending on him to carry the flag. Our children are depending on him so they can be in the parade and five minutes before they are supposed to be there he tries to get out of it. Somehow without any real yelling I managed to convince him to take the kids. Of course he called me his new pet name before he left. I am Lazy Fat Ass, isn't that a wonderful thing for a man to call call his wife in front of his children?

He did call me back and tried to deny it. He thought I would believe that it was just a "joke" between them and nothing really happened. I have heard that before and because I wanted to try to save this marriage I let it go.

First when I was working full time, I caught him writing love letters to another woman online. His excise was they would never meet and it was a game to him. Then I had a facebook friend bust him when he emailed a reply to one of her friends looking for a good time.

He wrote:

I am a 42 year old white male in an unhappy marriage too. In the pic i am wearing the gray shirt that says New York. Im 6 feet tall 175 pounds brown hair green eyes. I would love to hook up. We can get a room somewhere cause I cant host either. If interested please reply by e-mail or text me at (his cell phone number) and write BBW in message so I know who you are.

He apologized and said nothing happened. I told him no more sex until he got a clean heath report, He never provided me with one.

Then I found the condom in the car and now this. Really you want to believe nothing happened? No more chances.

I am calling a lawyer in the morning and am considering a restraining order or order of protection to make sure he stays away. I told him to stay with his girlfriend he wasn't sleeping here any more. He hung up the phone after a long pause, no more denials.

His mother owns the house we live in, I know I will have to eventually move out, but I also know that she will give me a chance to find a another place and I won't have to rush.

An uncontested divorce can be finalized in 60 days. Hopefully I can be done with this by the fall and can be settled before school starts. I hate that I have to uproot my children because he was selfish.

The only good thing is that because of all the horrible things he has done to me in the last few years, all the nasty things he has done to me and said to me, all the hitting and spitting I am prepared mentally for this. I have known it was over for a while this just finalized it for me. The final straw and I am done.

I Don't Need a Husband

I do not like being warm or hot. Even in the winter I am known for opening the windows, lowering the thermostat and using fans. Last year we moved from a house with central air (I miss central air!) to a house with just windows we could open. Then our cats discovered that they could rip our screens to get outside. To keep mosquitos and other assorted insects out those windows stayed closed. I was miserable.

I bought window air conditioners. Mommy was much happier and cooler. Of course Daddy didn't want them, he didn't want to spend the money and many fights happened about the temperature and how miserable I was. My brother had to help me assemble them and install them, my husband would not.

They made the summer bearable. He enjoyed their comfort and even grudgingly took them out of the windows when the autumn air consistently was cool. There was yelling and cursing and arguing but it got done. Winter came and went and in less than a month we went from needing the heat on to uncomfortable warmth.

I wanted my air conditioned installed in the bedroom. I had two fans running at night and still I was too warm. It was time and I asked him for help. My husband typically responds to me asking for help with a look of disgust on his face. He waits a moment and will them loudly ask why can't I do it. The battle begins

Surprisingly he agreed to put the air conditioner in with little complaint. But it turned into an ordeal. He almost dropped it out the window and had trouble figuring out how it would sit in the window without falling. Any help I offered was loudly refused and I regretted that I even asked.

That was two weeks ago. He said after my air conditioned was installed he would get the others in later because he had to go to work. I understood, installing air conditioners is not a good excuse for being late to work. A day went by and then a few and then a week. I occasionally would ask when he would install them. He never would give a definite answer.

Summer is here, well "The Official Start" of summer is this weekend. The days are warmer and the nights are sticky. My son sleeps with a fan on his bed running at full speed and a ceiling fan above his bed whirling as fast as it can. My daughter sleeps in my bed so she can be comfortable at night. The air conditioners sit in her closet not getting any closer to the windows.

He and I have argued about them, if I question his methods he explodes with anger. Today he screamed at me that I was a nag. I keep asking him to put them in and he is tired of it. I have been asking a lot lately, however if he had put them in when he said he would two weeks ago I would not be nagging him today. I would have been comfortable in the living room and he could have watched his hockey YouTube videos in peace.

Instead he refused to put them in. He told me to call my brother to put them in and he stormed out of the house. At least I managed to get him to say goodnight to the kids. I have had it. I dragged them out of the closet and managed to slide them down the stairs. My son held the curtains so I could put them in the windows. He helped me move the couch so I could put one in the window in our living room.

Once again my husband has pushed me away. He refuses to do anything I ask him because I am a nag. Even a simple conversation with him is torture. I am miserable and I know he is too. The difference is that he resists any of my efforts to improve our marriage. He also believes that I am the cause of all of our problems. I cause all the arguments and I am the one who causes all the things that go wrong. He doesn't do any of it in his mind.

Well tonight I got something done without him that I didn't think I could do. He tells me that I won't make it on my own. He tells me that I am worthless and can't do anything right. He is wrong. I got two air conditioners in tonight without his help. It would be nice to have someone around to help, but if I think about it his help comes with heartache and stress. I get depressed and in the past I have withdrawn from the world. I won't let him put me down anymore. I don't need him, I am capable and I will be able to make it without him.

Trains - Love, Respect and Terror

I grew up loving trains. From my bedroom as I was falling asleep at night I could hear them running and sounding their horn. We lived near active tracks and anytime we saw a train we stopped what we were doing. Our eyes would be glued on the moving cars and when the caboose was finally in sight we would wave to the conductor and often be rewarded with a smile and wave from him in return.

My father build amusement park rides and he did all the sheet metal work on the train at a local amusement park. How proud I was when I rode that train every summer knowing that my father built it. That train is still there. My children ride it today and know that grandpa built it. They tell their friends and like me are full of pride when they ride it. Trains and children go together like peanut butter and jelly.

I had a friend when I was in elementary school who literally had trains running behind her house. The fence that separated her backyard from the tracks had a gate that allowed us access to those tracks. All spring and summer long we would roam those tracks and search for tadpoles and frogs. We would find chunks of coal that fell from overloaded cars and we would dodge trains as they came rolling by. We knew that trains were dangerous but still we were drawn to those tracks.

Once I think we narrowly avoided tragedy. My friend and I ventured further down the tracks than we normally did. There was a trestle not far down the tracks. We had to cross a busy street to get there which brought us into the city. It was off limits to us, so of course we had to go there. Once we were there two teenagers approached us. At least I thought they were teenagers. They told us that they were police officers and we were trespassing (which of course we were). They insisted that we go with them.

We were young but we knew this was fishy, we asked to see ID and they refused. But they were bigger than us and we ended up going with them. Not into a car, but we walked. We left the tracks and started towards another road. My friend and I were scared and didn't know what to do. Finally we saw our chance and made a break for it. We ran and they chased us. We saw a gas station nearby and ran into it and hid. I don't know who long it was until we felt safe enough to leave. To this day I don't know what would have happened if we didn't get away.

Since then that stretch of tracks has been retired. Many of the local tracks no longer are active. Still some tracks do have trains rolling along them and now that I am a parent I see those tracks very different from when I was a child. Since I have become a parent we have also lived in close proximity to active train tracks. I remember how I was drawn to train tracks as a child and I remember my close call. It terrifies me.

Last week a teenager in a neighboring town ran under barriers, a train was coming and the barriers were down. He was hit by two trains and died. Just a few days later a ten year old was seen crawling away from the tracks. His friend was running ahead screaming for help. The little boy had been run over by a train and both his legs were severed. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

When we moved into this a=city I knew we lived near train tracks, but they were not within sight of our house. To get there you had to go down our street and over to a main road, then cross that busy road and go a bit further down. When they children go to the middle school and high school they would have to cross those tracks. But I still had time to instill a respect of trains and the danger of playing on the train tracks.

Then last year we moved. We moved down the street and closer to the tracks. They are louder and If we walk to the corner are visible. Since then I have taken every opportunity to talk to both my children about why they need to stay away from the tracks.

I still enjoy watching them. We do pull over and watch the trains if we are stopped at the tracks. Times have changed though. There are no longer cabooses with a happy conductor waving at us as the train goes by. I hear the loud horn at night and no longer does it lull me to sleep. We are so close that the horn is loud and now fills me with dread. I worry about my children and the tracks. All I can think about now is tragedy so I talk to my children and hope and pray that they will make better decisions than I did and stay away from the irresistible draw of the tracks.

My Meds and Me

My meds are running low, you would think I could remember to call the pharmacy to get a refill. If I run out then bad things happen. I hate taking my meds, but I hate not taking them more. I feel overwelmed and my head is mushy. Not literly, that would be interesting though. I am picturing a head with the consistancy of Play-Dough. I guess fuzzy is a better way to describe it. Any sensory input could be the one that sets me off. When you have a child on the autism spectrum and daughter who is a diva and husband that is very unpleasant on his good days this is not a good combination.

Today my husband went out to get the kids lunch, but I had to go back out to get it done correctly. The best thing about it was that I was trying to relax a bit and was upstairs. There are no windows into the front or backyard upstairs. If the children are playing outside and only one parent is home it is important that they are not upstairs. Plus when upstairs, because there is a door at the bottom of the stairs a parent is not in a good position to supervise children when they are downstairs. Oddly enough if the kids are in the basement, because the placement of the heating ducts is ideal it is very easy to listen in on the two of them playing. It is like being a spy.

I did manage to hear the car turn on and pull away. At least one window overlooks the driveway. One thing that gets me so mad is when he leaves when I am upstairs or even worse asleep. The kids are home playing and doing what kids do and I have no idea that he is gone. I think he is watching the kids and luckily nothing bad has happened while he has been gone. When I ask him to tell me that he is leaving, he gets mad and swears at me (often in front of the kids). I have to take a deep breath and not snap as he yells at me. I really need to get that refill.

I don't like taking my meds because if I get mad he asks if I took my meds. They are for depression, they are not to make me a mindless yes mommy. I still have my full range of emotions. The meds I take keep me from snapping. They keep me sane, but I still will get mad if you tell me putting a garden in the back yard is stupid and you won't buy the soil or do anything to help me get it.

My seedlings have been growing for almost six weeks in the kitchen and need to be planted in real soil soon. One of the plants has already produced a couple beans.

, the zucchini is flowering and he won't help me get the soil, he won't ask anyone to hep us get the soil, and he keeps telling me that I am a horrible gardener and I shouldn't even bother. What is the pharmacy's phone number?

The air conditioners are still not in downstairs. He had a hard time putting the one in upstairs and has decided that it will be easier to take the air conditioners outside and have me open the window from the inside while he lifts them up to his shoulder level and slides them into the window from the outside. Did I mention he would have to wade through the bushes in the yard to get to the windows. When I try to point out to him that there might be an easier way (maybe putting them in from the inside?) he snaps and again swears and calls me horrible names. Now I need the refill number, ah there it is!

So is my depression something I have always had and recently identified or is it partially from before but more because I am in a marriage from hell? I ordered my refill and I am off to pick it up. One more month of Cymbalta and one more month of sanity.

Graduation - I Made It

It was almost two years ago that I made the decision to return to school. I wanted to be able to get a better job so that if I left this pitiful excuse for a marriage I could support myself and my children. Since then I found a good program and got accepted. I walked into my first class and found myself doing something I loved.

Teaching could be in my blood. My mother is a teacher and for a while so was my father. I have an aunt who was a teacher and an uncle who taught and was a principal. When I worked in the planetarium field it was the teaching of astronomy that I loved. The look on children's face when they got it was the best reward.

Now I have my degree, I walked across that stage and got my scroll (my diploma comes in the mail in 6 - 8 weeks). I have student taught and I am ready to go. I have supplies that have been passed down to me from teachers I have known over the years. However I don't have a job. I have applied, I have searched and I have networked. My fingerprints have been taken and the police and the state have reviewed my background. I am a teacher, but I have no class.

My children are so proud of me. I am having a party to celebrate my achievement. Guest have offered to bring food, my daughter helped me pick out some decorations. My husband has done nothing but complain. How are we going to pay for it? That is all he cares about. I am not serving lobster or anything that is going to break us. I am keeping it low key, I know we don't have a lot of money or really any to spare. But I did it, I graduated, I passed all my state mandated exams, I got excellent grades, I wrote my papers and I taught many classes of wonderful children. I made it and I want to celebrate.

A Tale of Two Fears

Lately my son has been having more cases of anxiety. The attacks are suddens and without warning. The other day it was a footlong large pipe cleaner that caused his anxiety. How can something so harmless scare him so much?

It was bedtime and both my husband and I were home. I had read him his bedtime story. No matter how much my husband tries to get me to stop reading to him at bedtime I will not. It is a special time for us and it helps him know that reading is for pleasure. Of course he challenged me and I didn't back down. Bedtime stories are too important.

Our son had just gone into his room for the night and the next thing we knew he was screaming. I have heard him pretend to be scared, I have heard him scream just to get our attention and I have heard him scream from terror. This was the later. We both reacted quickly and tried to find out what was wrong.

The look on our sons face was all I needed to see to know he was scared. He was screaming and would not calm down. I tried to comfort him to find out how I could help. My husband however was mad. He didn't seem to want to know why our son was scared. He just wanted him to stop. He is like that with me too. he doesn't care why I am upset, or why I am feeling like I am. He just wants me to stop. Sadly he has said this to my face.

I hugged our son tight and got down to his level. I looked him in the eye and helped him calm down. Only when he is calm do I get an idea of what is causing the terror. He sees something that he calls a monster under his bed. Of course now daddy is more upset. There are no such things as monsters. He is eight years old and should know this. He is being ridiculous and just needs to "be a man" and go to bed.

When I was a child I was convinced there were snakes in my room and I remember running downstairs so scared. My parents listened and my father would go upstairs and remove the trespassing snake. They don't remember doing this, but it is something that is unforgettable to me. Today I know that there was no snake on my pillow. I know my dad didn't have it in his hand and I know he didn't put it outside. But my parents made me feel safe and if they had to get the "snake" out of my room and actually go through the motions of taking it out of the house.

Our son is still so afraid, he won't go into his room and finally I think I understand what he is saying enough to help him. I look where my screaming son is pointing and I do see something there. It is a Fuzzoodle pipe cleaner that I had bought the kids. It is something he has played with many times and something that I am sure he put there. But for some reason tonight it is the cause of his anxiety. Like my father I went into his room and removed the offending object. My son calms down and after some snuggles is ready for bed. The crisis is over.

Then this weekend insects became the stressor for him. Again this was at bedtime and both my husband and I were home. It was after our normal bedtime routine and was sudden. He went into the kitchen to fill up his water bottle. Then he just ran screaming out of the kitchen in terror. He saw a flying spider. Just the day before he had found a spider in his room. Now that I recall that incident it also was at bedtime, but it was just me home that night. He had no fear during that incident. We also have a pet tarantula and he is not afraid of Hannah at all.

It was a cranefly and they are scary looking, I can see why he called it a flying spider.

They are common this time of the year and not unfamiliar to him. However on this night he was terrified of it. We tracked it down and removed it. Still he was scared. What if there was another one? He was sure it would bite him and he was unconsolable.

Finally I redirected his attention. I noticed that somehow even after he had taken a bath and washed his hair he still had some grit in it. Mommy idea of the night popped into my head nad I suggested he take a bath and re wash his hair. I instructed him to do two shampoos and to make sure he really massages the shampoo into his scalp. Bingo, he was no longer thinking of the scary flying spider and into the tub he went. The crisis had ended.

Now his daddy during this episode was mad, he called our son a cry baby and just wanted him to stop making noise. He was lying down on the couch and didn't budge at all to try to calm our terrified son down. There were extra snuggles for my son that night after the bath, I wanted him to feel safe and secure. As for daddy he dozed off while the bath did its magic and didn't bother us again that night.

Two fears in the span of a week. Two moments of terror for my son. Luckily there were also two calming events as well. Was it the asperger's? I think maybe it was. Luckily I was there for both events. I worry that I won't be there for the next one and I wonder how my spouse would handle it when it is just the two of them. I wish that didn't scare me. I shouldn't have to worry about how a daddy interacts with his son, but I do.

Decoration Battles

A few months ago I bought some decorations for the kitchen, I decided on a kitchen witch theme, I was worried that my husband would have a problem with them because he is so anti-witch and anti-pagan. I tenativly hung one up on the wall and there were no protest from him so I added the other decorations. I thought maybe finally he was going to let me be me and not fight with my religion anymore.

Since then I have added a few other items and a couple aprons. I loved working in the kitchen with some of my touches in it. The paint and other decor were still in the motif of the past owners. Before I added these decorations I felt like a guest in someone else's kitchen.

This weekend I walked into the kitchen and my decor was missing. I found it on a shelf almost hidden and put the items back where they belonged. Then I made the mistake of asking him why they were moved. He replied that it wasn't Halloween and they looked stupid so he took them down. I explained they were the decor I picked for the kitchen. He has always said that I had carte blance to decorate our home. Unfortunetly he complains about all the decorating I do. There was no more argument and I thought that maybe I had won this battle.

I was wrong. Today I went to pick up my sons perscription. The first pharmacy coudln't fill it, they were out of that medication. I took the time to find out that information and told him that I was going. My husband wanted to be the one to run the errand and he made a point of letting me know that before I left. He had to tell me that I was a useless house keeper so I can't do anything right so he should pick up the meds so he knows it will be done right.

I didn't take the bait and just left. My son came with me and we had a very nice time together. I came home and walked into the dining room to see all my spring/Easter deorations gone. I wanted to put them away together into a bin so I could use them again next year. Since I didn't have a bin I had saved some money from last week and was going to buy the bin on Friday when he got paid.

Not once has he expressed annoyance that they were still up. Because they were also spring decorations I didn't think they were too out of place. But they were all gone, he then told me that he had thrown most of them away when I asked him where he put them. I was so mad. There was nothing wrong with them. I had to pick them out of the garbage. Of course then he has to tell me I am stupid for going through the garbage. I retrieve them and packed them away in a plastic bag. Now I have to hide them so he doesn't think they are garbage again.

I went upstairs. It is my safe place usually. More often than not he will stay downstairs if I am upstairs. We can exist like this for a while without much interaction. The house is more peaceful and I am less stressed. However he did come up and announced he was leaving for work. Finally, I can have some peace. I waited until a few minutes had passed and I came downstairs to have my dinner. He was still here and on the computer.

So into the kitchen I go and my kitchen witch decorations are gone again. I had to look for them a little harder this time. He just doesn't have any respect for me or my things and I know it is only going to get worse. This time he also moved my Tarot recipe cards. Each card has a recipe on them and honestly if recipe cards don't belong in the kitchen where do they belong?

I know he will keep taking them down, I just hope he doesn't get destructive with them or throw them away like he did with my Easter decorations. I am so tired of his negative energy and I hope I can find a place to move to soon. So far I have not found a place that would be a good fit for me and the children. Until then I have to listen to his mouth and feel his attitude. I don't think the decoration battle is over. I will have to keep a close eye on things that mean a lot to me.

Random Thoughts on Mother's Day

This was my eight Mother's Day, okay ninth I celebrated Mother's Day when I was pregnant with my son.I still remember that moment when I first saw him. It felt like hours before I was allowed to hold him. I was shaking so much after he was delivered. It just wasn't safe for a few minutes. My first clear memory of him after he was born was when my husband was standing next to me holding him and he heard my voice. He deliberately turned his head and looked right at me. I never expected a newborn to be so focused and be able to control his movements like like so soon after he was born.

Almost nine years later and he still amazes me. Tonight as I was falling asleep I heard a noise downstairs. It is me and two children alone in the house. Boom, boom, boom!!! I slowly walked downstairs and the light is on in the kitchen. I know I turned it off and I sheepishly call out "Who is in the kitchen?" I was hoping to hear my husbands voice, maybe he got home from work early. Nope. I hear my son answer "It's me!" He was thirsty and wanted to fill up his water bottle. He couldn't disconnect our portable dishwasher. Poor kiddo! All he wanted was a simple glass of water and was so upset that he couldn't get it.

Mommy saved the day, or rather the night. I disconnected the dishwasher and filled up his water bottle. I even gave him ice. That was entertaining. The ice wouldn't come out of the tray and I really put some muscle into it. BOOM! Crack! Ping! Ice popped up into the air, flipped and bounced. We both started laughing hysterically and ended up on the floor. Comical relief often comes when you least expect it.

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We have two cats, and have had them since they were born. We owned the mama cat and never got her spayed. She would not leave the house, if we opened the door and pushed her out she would find a way to grab onto the door and stay inside. It just never occured to us that a male cat would break into our house. Of course that is what happened, twice in two days. Of course she was in heat at the time.

She was a tiny cat and was getting bigger. Then she passed the due date, a week went by and still no kittens. I could still feel them moving but was worried so I called the vet. The wanted to see her ASAP and so I bundled her up and off we went. She had to have a c-section. I never even thought of c-sections for cats. The kittens were so adorable, but Boomerang wanted nothing to do with them. So I had to feed them with a bottle. I had to play mama cat. Mama cats have a hard job.

Today those kittens are all grown up, my children have each claimed one and Boomerang went to another home. It was a decision I fought for the longest time and it was a decision my husband forced me to make. I regret it and miss my cat. Boomerang was mine and she was a wonderful pet and eventually became a wonderful Mommy.

These cats have somehow become indoor/outdoor cats. I tried to keep them indoors. But they were stubborn and now I have many torn screens because they were so determined to get outside. I really don't think they know that they are cats. They come when I call them, which is comical when I call them in at night. If they are not waiting by the door they come running. They even love to have their bellies rubbed.

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We have a portable dishwasher, to use it there is an attachment that is screwed onto the kitchen faucet. We put it on the faucet when we moved in and I haven't really thought of it since. Lately when I have hooked up the dishwasher at night (I only run it at night because to run it has to move into the center of the kitchen next to the sink and the kitchen is really useless until it finishes.) it has been leaking from the faucet connection. I dreaded mentioning this to my husband, he didn't want the dishwasher and anytime we have a problem with something he doesn't like he has to throw into my face that I insisted on it and he didn't want it.

I have been staying awake while it runs and disconnecting it so water doesn't run all night. It was a pain but it worked. Tonight it was worse. I was sprayed when I turned the faucet on. No mater how I connected it water sprayed all over the place. How was I going to tell him about this? Could it be fixed? Then it dawned on me to check the screw on adapter that is connected to the faucet. Bingo! It was so lose that I think it might have almost been ready to fall off the faucet. I tightened it up and the leaking stopped. Why didn't I think of that before?

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My son is obsessed with poker chips. Maybe it is because he has asperger's, obsessions are an indicator of asperger's. Over the years I have bought him many, many poker chips. You would think we poker chips all over, but they never seem to last. I wonder what he does to them over time. Eventually they start to disappear and he needs more.

He plays with them, he takes baths with them, he carries them in his pockets when he goes places. I have gone to toy stores with him and instead of picking a toy he will want me to buy him poker chips. He will save him own money to buy poker chips. I often wonder what people might think when they find out that he owns his own poker chips. He also is very territorial with them.

I find them all over the house and I confess that some have been sacrificed while I am cleaning. In the last six or seven years I have no idea how many poker chips we have bought but I don't think I am exaggerating when I say that it is in the thousands and not hundreds. I am sure in the years to come at least an equal amount if not more will be purchased for him.

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I went to a Mother's Day brunch with my parents, grandma and brother's family today. It could have gone better. They keep trying to get me to back to church. They know I am a Pagan. I have been pretty clear about it. I think they would accept me being a lesbian better if that were true. They get so hurt when I tell them that I don't go to church. I suppose I could lie to them and tell them that I do, but Why come out of the broom closet if you are just going to back into it again?

They wanted me to go to church today, But I didn't. It makes me uncomfortable. I will go if I need to, like if I am invited to a wedding or if there is a funeral. I am an adult now and if I don't want to go to church then I am not going to.

I did go to brunch with them, even though I didn't want to. We all are members of the BPO of Elks. Yes I am an Elk. One of the lodges near us has a Mother's Day brunch. It used to be pay what you can and the food was pay what you can quality. Now there is a set fee for it, but the food still is pay what you can quality.

My parents are loyal and they always want to go to this brunch. Some years I cut them off at the pass and invite them elsewhere before they can bring up the brunch. This year they asked first, so I accepted. At least I get to spend time with the family. It almost makes up for the lousy food.

The menu was luke warm french toast, cold hashbrowns, scary looking corned beef hash, rubbery sausage, crumbly eggs, canned metal tasting fruit salad, bitter orange juice and warm cranberry juice. But my mom was happy, she got to go to the brunch she wanted and we supported one of the local Elk lodges.

Overall it was a nice Mother's Day. My children spoiled me, they even let me take a midday nap. My husband even gave me space so we didn't have any huge arguments. It was a bit random, but somedays are just like that.

Legos on the Bathroom Wall

Sometimes I just have to laugh and wonder. Like tonight, I walked into our bathroom and there on the wall was a lego base. The kind that is a base for dreams made of Legos. On another wall of course in another base. I never would have thought of putting these items on a wall. Then I wonder why? I don't think I want to know. The science geek in me knows why they are stuck to the wall. The Mom in me just shakes her head and smiles. Of course my son would stick legos to the bathroom wall. I had bought them for my son this past Christmas thinking he would use them with his Legos. Not once have I seen him use them this way.

I love that he comes up with new ways to use the bases. I don't think I have ever seen him use them the "right" way. To him this is the right way. I wonder what the dialog inside of his head sounds like or looks like? His world is a wonderful place sometimes. I love to try seeing the world through his eyes.

Earlier today we went on a small journey. I was picking up some worms to start my worm bin up again. You know things any mom would do. He wanted to come wit me which is unusual. Usually he wants to stay home and play. He had an ulterior motive he wanted to stop at the store. Moms take what they can so I brought him along.

I call it a journey because that is what it became. We started on the highway and ran into a traffic jam. Another accident up ahead so I took the exit. I knew how to get to our destination following secondary roads I just was hoping to get there faster.

We were chatting about this and that and we stopped at a red light on a bridge. Off to the side was a creek. Lately we have had a lot of rain and the water was high. We could hear the churning and rushing of the water. He noticed a dam and was very interested in it. So on the way back I said we would stop in the park and watch the waterfall.

I wish I had brought my camera. I can only wonder what the photos would have looked like. The impromptu stop in the park turned into a magnificent journey for both of us. For me I saw the park through a child's eyes. For him it was a place of wonderment and excitement.

On the way back I turned off the main road to go to the park. My thought was we would drive by the park and see the waterfall from the window. He was looking out the window and was excited to see a waterfall in the middle of a city. The idea of a waterfall right next to so much hustle and bustle was almost unbelievable. But we had been to this park before so somewhere in his thoughts he knew it was because he had experienced it all before.

I could almost feel the anticipation. We were driving by and, NO!!!! I had forgotten there were barriers blocking the view. Most likely to keep drive-by accidents from happening. The view would easily turn a drivers head and cause many fender benders. Disappointment now, it was audible and crushing. He had his heart on seeing the waterfall and now I had to make sure he did.

When I was married we had our wedding photos taken at this park, and we have been there as a family since. I knew there was a parking lot. Ack, I couldn't find it. The park is small, it is a surprise to me that I can't find the lot. Where could it be. This dialog was in my head and it felt like so much time was passing. Then I saw it, and we pulled in.

The sky was grey and was leaking infrequent drips. The wind was picking up and I had neglected to bring my coat. I was wrongly thinking that we would walk to the bridge and look at the waterfall and then back into the car. We had to get home so Daddy could go to work. We walked to the road and crossed. He had a moment of panic when a distant car turned onto the road. He gripped my hand as I encouraged him to cross. The car was still very far away and would not even get to the bridge by the time that we crossed.

As we walk closer to the waterfall I draw his attention to the sensations all around us. "What do you hear?" I ask and he says he hears the water rushing which was the primary sound. "What else?" He hears the traffic and he hears the wind. Then I point out the light sound of birds singing happily all around us. I see his face light up as he tunes into the music they are producing and his smile is infectious.

We come up to the bridge and through the trees he can almost see our goal. There is a path next to him an he breaks away from me almost running into the park. I still was in the mindset that we would see the waterfall and then back to the car. That was unbeknownst to me this was no longer an option.

I herded him back to the bridge and we start crossing it. He can now see the rushing bubbling roaring brown water.

This is not the gentle flowing creek he has encountered in the past. He does recall wading in the creek a few years ago. The water that day was slow moving and welcoming on a hot day. We caught bugs and butterflies and explored the trails.

He is holding onto my hand with a death grip, He worries that I will drop the car keys into the churning torrents just inches away from us. The water is so high that a secondary waterfall, normally visible at the foot of the bridge is just a dip in the chaos of water next to us. His eyes are glued onto the sight. This is the closest he has ever been to such a temper tantrum of nature. He see the waterfall set back into the park and is amazed. This is now a determination of his. He will get up close to that waterfall. I still think we are going back to the car.

I don't know how he did it, maybe it was the joy on his face, but we crossed that bridge and turned left into the park. I spot two ducks and we get closer. It is a male and female mallard. They are perched next to a quiet pool of water. A complete contrast to the churning mess behind us. The male notices us coming closer and he stands up and is ready to go all male duck on us if he has too. The female has her beak tucked into her wing and she isn't budging. Though she does open one eye and watches us. We didn't get any closer and they didn't move we just watched each other and then my son and I moved along. He is determined to get to that waterfall.

Now we are on the other bank of the creek. It almost seems wrong to call it a creek though. When I picture a creek I see a calm narrow shallow and peaceful ribbon of water surrounded by green grass and flowers. I know, very "Little House on the Prairie" sounding. We get closer. His hand again is not letting go of my hand no matter what. I know the water scares him. Heck it scares me. He is facing a fear and not letting it win. He wants to get to that waterfall and he is not going to let his insecurity get the better of him.

We get to the waterfall, he gets right up next to it.

I tell him about having our wedding photos taken there. How most of the time is a gentle and beautiful waterfall. We talked about how my parents brought me to this park as a child and how we would feed the ducks. He spots the sign saying "Please Don't Feed the Wildlife" and is disappointed that we can't feed those ducks that we spotted earlier. I managed to keep him from seeing the bread someone else had left behind so he doesn't even try.

Now I think we are going back to the car. We got to the waterfall and ... Oh no he sees the steps to go to the top of the waterfall. If I let him we would stay there until bedtime. He is excited, there is so much to do here. Paths that twist and turn around calm peaceful ponds. Rocks are conveniently placed so he can walk on the like a bridge. He just wants to play.

I distract him away from the steps and back to the road. Then he spots something. I still don't know what but he is focused on it and is off. He finds a dry path around a pond and starts to go behind a wall of shale. I have never gone this way in the park. I thought it was inaccessible and maybe it was. Maybe a pond has shifted or maybe the path the water took changed. I have to follow him, in my crocs, trying to not fall, tetter tottering and somehome managing to stay dry.

There is another waterfall! Wow! we are at the base of an old mill and it is a nook full of nature. The small waterfall is peaceful and calm. It is a complete contrast to the one he was so focused on mere moments ago. Shale is jutting out around us and in places is covered with moss. It is quiet and still in this place. Just above us and only a few yards away is a major road filled with traffic, but we are not aware of it here.

We could have stayed there for hours. It was magical, but we had to get home. Daddy needs to go to work. I dread having to tell him that we have to leave and I wonder how do I get him to leave without a battle. It turns out that he had already decided to move on. He had turned around and saw a bridge. He looks at me and says "I wonder what this looks like from that bridge. So off he went. I slowly followed, I still wanted to stay dry.

We get to the bridge and it is a breathtaking site, the small waterfall in the distance is what feeds these smaller ponds. I am sure I had seen it before but never thought to try to get to it. I told him we had to go and he was disappointed but I promised we would come back. I let him take a "short cut" back to me. I cringed when he walked on the rocks placed as stepping stones in the ponds. He was going to fall in the water, I was so sure of it, I would have. Only his pant cuffs got wet though. Watching him explore this oasis of nature in the middle of urban development was worth the stop and worth coming back for.

We crossed the street and looked at the creek flowing away from the falls. We saw a groundhog and discovered that the secondary creek also continued on this side of the road. Then I saw it. A Great Blue Heron was wading in the turmoil beneath us. The brown churning waters did not seem to bother it at all. When my son saw it his eyes opened up wide. He had never seen bird this large in the wild before. He talked about the long neck of the bird and wondered how long the legs were. This bird was tall and sleek. It was beautiful and we watched it in silence as it walked around at the bank of the creek.

We got baCk to the car passing the groundhog again. Wow! Groundhogs can move very fast. We heard a male Black Capped Chickadee calling for a mate and we headed back home.

Back to my normal, he roller skated in the basement, put chalk dust in his hair and took his bath. It was after the bath that my cat called to me from the bathtub. He begged me to let him drink out of the bathtub faucet. I turned the faucet on ever so slowly and saw the legos on the wall. Back to reality I guess.

How Quickly a Day Can Change

Last night one thing was on the minds of my family, breakfast! My son is in the third grade and the state English language Arts exam starts in the morning. His teacher has been doing a fantastic job getting his class ready for the exam. My son is as prepared as he can be. His handwriting may be terrible but when they do decifer his answers they will see that he knows his stuff.

The school has sent home letters to parents, and talked to the student about how to be mentaly and physically ready for this exam. Practice has been completed in the classroom. The students have been told to get a good night sleep and to fuel their bodies in the morning. The school is even giving the whole third grade class free breakfast.

My son is takig this make sure you have a good breakfast to heart. He talked his father into bringing home a breakfast sandwich, he made me look up the menu for breakfast at the school so he knows what he is going to eat there. Then he did this.

I think this along with him telling me last night that he loves when I make muffins, especially blueberry ones is a hint. So I started to set up to make muffins when the phone rang.

It is pretty late at night, usually my husband calls home at this time if he wants me to check the score of a hockey game or look up some silly trivia on line. I looked at the caller id and it was my brother. Still I didn't expect what happened next.

He sounded upset and said he was going to put my life in perspective. I could tell he was holding back tears. The next words out of his mouth were that his house was on fire.

I instantly lost the grin on my face and asked if he was okay. Was his family okay? What happened? How could this happen? I wanted to rush out there to be with him and I even reached out to a neighbor that I am friends with. I asked if she could sit in my house so my kids wouldn't be alone. I explained that my brother' house was on fire and I wanted to be there to help comfort him. I wanted to hug him I wanted to do something. She was about to go to bed and didn't want to. Okay, so I was not able to get to him.

I can't imagine how he was feeling. I was heartbroken and it wasn't even my house. I do have ties to it. It was my Nana's house. My father grew up in that house. It has been a part of the family for four generations now. It is a part of our history, but it is my brother's home.

Later he called me back, the house is still standing. The interior sounds like it just suffered from smoke damage. It could have been much worse. They are staying with neighbors and the boys will be going to school in the morning. They are going to try to get back to a normal day. My brother is so shaken, I can't help but worry about him.

Now when the phone first rang I assumed my son was asleep. He wasn't. He heard my voice change and knew something was wrong. He came out of his room and I could see that he was worried. He is like me, he takes a worry into his heart and holds it there. It becomes part of him. I explained that his Uncle's house was on fire but everyone was okay. A house is just stuff, what is important is his Aunt, Uncle and cousins are safe. He wanted to know where they were going to sleep, and even thought I invited them to our house, I did't know.

He went back in his room and came back out with a blanket. He said this was for them so they could have a blanket to keep them warm. He then went back in his room and brought out three more blankets. One for each of them. I was so proud of my son. He was willing to give up his blankets to help another family.

It took me a long time to get him focused on sleep again and the exam that he is taking in the morning. After he finally went to sleep knowing that his relatives were safe and warm I made those blueberry muffins for him with blueberry glaze. So much had changed since I started making them, things can change so quickly.

I Walk Funny

The big Neurologist appointment was today. I was all prepared for it. I had the printout of adult symptoms of dyspraxia and all the underlines of symptoms I had. I had the report from my third grade evaluation showing I had motor skill problems. I woke up early and got there in plenty of time. I had the paper work filled out and was hopeful that I would find out a reason for all my clumsiness.

I had barely sat down at the office after checking in before they called me back. Once in the examination room I didn't even have enough time to flip through a magazine before the doctor came in. So far a wonderful appointment. It isn't often that I don't have a seemingly endless wait for the doctor.

She asked why I was there and I told her I was curious if my clumsiness was due to dyspraxia. She looked confused and asked me (the patient) what was dyspraxia. I could see the expression on her face and it was not one that filled me with confidence.

So I handed her the sheets I had printed out about dyspraxia and she barely glanced at it. She never even unfolded it all the way or looked at the second sheet before she handed it back to me. I tried to show her my third grade evaluation and she didn't even reach for it. I did read it to her though.

She asked me what my concerns were and when I looked at the paper that I had underlined she asked me not to look at the sheet that I had brought with me with the notes I had written on it and things I had underlined that applied to me. I drew a blank. I couldn't remember most of them, which oddly enough is a symptom.

She watched me walk and did agree that I have an abnormal gait. She it is confirmed that I walk funny and an probably clumsy because of it. She said I didn't have dyspraxia (remember she didn't know what it was at the beginning of the appointment and didn't read the documents I brought with me that explained what it was) because people with dyspraxia (even though she doesn't know what dyspraxia is) can't do simple tasks (which as far as I know is NOT a symptom or result of dyspraxia).

She is scheduling me for a MRI because I have a lot of headaches and have an abnormal gait. It is scheduled for Friday and I am taking advantage of sedation for it. I get uncomfortable watching people have their heads in enclosed spaces and the idea of having my head enclosed in a noisy MRI machine is something that makes me very uncomfortable and fills me with dread.

I have a follow up at the end of June and I think I am going to find a doctor that knows what dyspraxia is. Only when someone who knows what dyspraxia is tells me that I don't have it will I believe them. So as it stands it is official, I walk funny and have all my life.

It's a Small World After All

Osama Bin Laden is dead. Is it a relief? I heard the news via facebook. A major event ten years coming and it was all over facebook before CNN reported it. It was on facebook before Yahoo! carried it on their webpage. It was on facebook an hour before the President announced it. It was on facebook even before a Google search verified it.

How the internet has changed in the past decade. I know I was online in 2001 but I was not connected to the world like I am now on facebook. So much has changed just in this short time. We know of world events almost as soon as they happen.

Then I think of me and my own world of chaos and how I even share my personal thoughts and life via the internet. I announce things to strangers, family and friends that a decade ago I would have never revealed. People from all over the world have read things that I have written. Would I have believed it in 2001?

Tomorrow, or rather this morning I have my appointment with a neurologist. My whole life I have felt awkward. I remember in summer camp as a child how I never could get the blue swim badge. Every year I earned the beginner red badge and I hated it. All I needed to do was dive off the edge of the pool into the water. Everyone else could do it, why couldn't I? I just couldn't get my body to do it. Cards are another thing I am uncomfortable with. I cannot shuffle them. It looks so easy, but I can't do it. These are such simple things but to me they are unobtainable. I still can't dive.

To keep from falling down stairs I hug the wall and hold onto the rail. I don't step down until I feel the edge of the step with my heel. I have taught myself to do that so I don't break my ankle again by falling down the stairs. Stepping on an escalator is a nightmare. I step and pray that I will keep my balance and judge the speed correctly so I don't fall.

What will the appointment be like? I am scared and nervous. Maybe I am just really clumsy and walk into walls, hit my head on the top of the opening of car doors and lose my balance while I am walking for no reason. Maybe I don't know my left from my right or mix up the greater than and less than symbols because I never really learned these concepts.

But I know I will share the results of my appointment with people I will never meet. People in other countries will stumble onto this blog and make judgements about me. Maybe they will think I ask for what I get in this marriage. Maybe they understand why I am still married and are having such a hard time letting go. Maybe they will reach out to me and comment on what I write so I don't feel so alone. This is possible because our world is so small. In a depression of a key on keyboard or the movement of a mouse people all over the world know a wanted man is killed and that a stay at home mom and hopeful teacher has a doctor appointment in the morning that could change her like. Disney was right: It's a small world after all.