One Year Ago...

     I remember the drive back from Pennsylvania.  I had no idea if I could make it.  Four hours in my car knowing that when I arrived I had to go to the hospital and sign the papers that would allow the doctors to take my mother off life support.  Luckily my daughter was with me and we listened to loud music to distract us.  Singing at the top of our lungs and keeping out minds off of the fact that my mom, her grandma was lying in a hospital brain dead and that I had to sign the DNR papers at the hospital that night after I got home.

     I dropped her off at her father's house and asked her if she wanted to say goodbye to grandma before we disconnected her.  My mom had signed a Do Not Resuscitate order.  That took all the stress of having to make the decision off my shoulders.  In a pinch my brother could do it, but I was her Health Care Proxy and I knew I had to.  She picked me for a reason.

     That night before everything was disconnected my daughter chose to go to the hospital and say good bye.  My son didn't want to and I didn't for him.  We all had to handle this our own ways.  My little one went up to Grandma in her bed.  The sound of beeping and oxygen filled the air and she told Grandma how much she loved her and would miss her.  She took Grandma's hand in her own and said good bye.  Tonight would deb the last time she would be with the woman who helped raise her, who spoiled her and loved her.  My little girl was so brave.

     The nurses disconnected everything and we settled in for al on night, Moms sister came to spend time with us.  My brother's wife and oldest son were there.  Everyone had someone to comfort them and I was all alone.  My ex picked up our daughter and barely acknowledged my pain.  Is it selfish to have wanted someone with me to hold me while I watched my mother die?

     She didn't go that night, nor the next.  In fact it wasn't until she was moved into a private room and we had a hissy fit when we discovered the nurses put her on oxygen despite the fact we specifically said she wasn't to be put on oxygen.  She hated being connected to oxygen and the possibility of her passing while connected to it was too much for us.

     That night in the hospital we reminisced on how she started her life.  When my grandmother was pregnant with my mother she was under the impression that she was having one baby. Little did she know that my mother was lurking with Uncle Bill just waiting to be born. When the time came she went to the hospital and the doctor delivered a health baby boy (My Uncle Bill). Job well done the doctor thought one mom and one baby. 

The nurse was massaging (it doesn't feel like a massage,lol) grandma's stomach to help everything along and wait what was that? It can't be? Doctor! Yes there was my mother stubborn even before she was born not wanting to come into the world with her brother. Now, she doesn't want to follow him out of this world. She is holding on and being her lovable stubborn self.

I had dad visit the next day to say his goodbyes.  He didn't stay long but I took this photo.  The last time they held hands while she was alive.  
Wednesday night April 20, after we had her oxygen removed, I bent down and kissed her cheek.  I whispered inner her ear that it was okay, she could go.  Not even two hours later than hospital called to let me know she had passed.  I called my brother, and then went upstairs to tell my father.  That was heart breaking.  He wouldn't go back to the hospital.  My brother, his wife, my daughter and I all wine to the hospital and said goodbye.

I love you mom and I always will.  So many times this year I needed to talk to you and tell you what was happening.  I know you have been with me.  Blessed be!