Thoughts and observations of my life as I am going through mid-life changes. I am a mom dealing with depression, a child with Asperger's, an abusive ex-husband, plus
moving back home with my parents to help take care of them and now my grandmother and both parent's death in just a fourteen month timespan. Simply put my house is full of chaos.
As I start to walk this new path I will leave a trail of stories for you to follow. Thanks for traveling with me.
One year ago as I was lying in bed I received the phone call. I looked at the caller ID and my heart sank. It was the hospital. Not even two hours prior I was there and had to fight with he hospital staff to have the oxygen removed from my mother. She in no uncertain terms wanted to be connected to a ventilator as she was dying.
They told me the oxygen was just a comfort measure like the morphine was. I called my brother and my sister-in-law and together we made sure the oxygen was removed and after a short visit we left.
I had signed her DNR on Monday and she was stubborn when she was born, not wanting to come out and now she was being stubborn in death. I followed her wishes and signed the DNR. I did my part but it took have two days to finally pass away after the care was removed. She always was stubborn and it seems I received that trait from her.
As we left the room I bent over and whispered into her ear that it was okay to go and that I loved her. MY SIL laughed and said something like "she never listened to you before why do you think she will start now?" Maybe not those exact words but the list was the same. I had no idea that would be the last thing I would say to her.
It was a whirlwind after that. Arrangements to make, memorials to plan things I never even thought about. The worst was telling Dad. I don't know how many times we told him. And because my brother and I signed the DNR papers when he remembered he accused us of killing her. My brother mores than I. I don't know why he was the target of his grief?
One year has passed. The last few days have been hard and I have been surprised by how much it has bothered me. But today it was crippling. I couldn't function for most of the day. The only thing that got me through it was spending time with my kids. My ex of course either didn't remember or chose not to acknowledge what the day was. My mom was god to him and bent over backwards so many times to help him out.
When the time came and the clock showed the time of her death we lit a special anointed candle for her and shared memories we had of her. Of course both my children remembered holidays and how she would wrap gifts in the Sunday Funnies. I told them about the time she wrapped our Christmas gifts in the bags from the stores, plastic not paper.
I miss you mom! I don't know how we got through a year without you, but we did. I love you!!!