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Sunday, August 23, 2015

What I Miss and Want Again

     Today I dropped a friend off at the airport to catch a bus.  As I drove away I remembered when I was dotingly ex husband.  We lived four hours apart.  On the occasions that I would take the bus back here to meet him Our time together was amazing.  This was when we loved each other and when I left to go back it was so hard.

      We would send every last moment together, not wanting the bus to leave.  When I finally boarded the bus he would stand by the bus and run after the bus as it pulled out.  He didn't want me to leave.  Sometimes he would follow the bus in the car as long as he could.  I often wondered if he would follow the bus for the whole four hours if he could.

      I miss that.  I miss that feeling that I didn't want to be separated from him for even an instant.  I often wonder how we got from there, from being that couple you see in public that you just want them to get a room to a couple where he is upset that I held on too $2.00.

     People ask me was he always like this and no he wasn't.  Once he would do anything for me and he would sing my praises to anyone who asked.  If he thought I was being wronged he would do all he could to help me out.  We were in love and I miss that.  I miss that part of him.  I wonder where it went.

      Someone recently asked me was it him that changed.  I don't think he did.  I think I was the one who changed.  I was a virgin who did't drive when we met.  I was the one who was afraid of many people and was terrified to even call him on the phone.  I was not who I am today.

     My family noticed the change in me too.  I don't think they all like it.  I've grown assertive, I have faced many of my fears.  I have learned to drive, and started to drive in the time I was married to him.    I am not the same person we were when I got married.

     Now I crave that love that I felt with him 20 years ago.  The man who would kiss me with passion and chase a bus that I was on because I was leaving on it.  I have been seeing someone for many months and I don't think that spark is there.  He still keeps part of who he is separate from me.  I don't want to have that talk with him, but I can't continue if it isn't going to go anywhere.

     I am not looking to get married again, and I don't want to even move in with him.  I just want to know that the spark is there.  I feel it from me, I just need to feel it from him.  I had it once and I lost it.  Is it wrong to want to have that feeling again?

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