The Need for Adult Conversation

Today I had a late lunch with a friend of mine. We only see each other once in a while. After lunch was over I realized how much I enjoyed it. Sure the italian sausage with hot sauce, pickles and onions was tasty, though I am still confused as to why they put pickles on it. But the part I enjoyed the most was the conversation. I realized that somedays my best conversations are with my children.

Now please don't get me wrong, I love my children and we have fantastic conversations. Though there are times when I wouldn't mind skipping a conversation about Planet Pink or how wonderful the television show "So Random" is. I crave another adult to talk to.

Even though there is another adult who lives in the house our conversations are usually the length of a sentence or two. If I try to go beyond that he gets upset. Of course if the conversation is about a topic he is interested in like hockey it can go on for hours. Other times the conversation is very close to what it is like talking with the children. Sometimes I want to discuss world events or maybe even a topic that I enjoy.

Maybe that is why I enjoy debates on Facebook. I have been known to speak up on events that I feel passionately about on Facebook. I speak my mind when it comes to such volatile subjects like religion and basic civil rights. The ironic thing is that once I was so locked in a shell that I rarely ever spoke in public or had my own point of view. I guess I have changed in the last 30 years.

Here my only tie to the outside world and adult conversation is via the internet. I used to be able to talk on the phone, but then I had children. So I either have bits and pieces of a conversation or conversations, which sadly are better, with my children. I need to get out of the house more often and mingle.

I am going to have to make it a mission to get out and talk with other adults at least once a week. I fear I am turning into an agoraphobic person. It is so easy to stay in the house and be alone. I can watch movies on cable, I have the internet and many places will deliver food. It would be so easy to just hide away from the world.

I think the only thing keeping me from being housebound is that I need to talk face to face with people. It is something I value and I need to re-prioritize parts of my life so I can have more adult conversations.

It Was Fajita Night

I absolutely LOVE to eat fajitas. More likely than not if I am at a restaurant that serves them I will order them. The sound they make, the sizzle, on the cast iron pan as it is brought out to me just makes me drool. Sadly however in my house until today I was the only one who liked them. So I never made them at home.

This week I craved chicken fajitas. I don't know why, but I had to have them. If I could have afforded to go out to a mexican place and order them I would have. Instead on one of my rare excursions to the supermarket I saw my chance and took it. I was in the mexican aisle and there is was calling out my name, Ortega Fajita mix.

I tried to walk away but it was so loud that I stopped and backed up. I looked at the innocent packet on the shelf. It was not anything that my family should run screaming from. It has been a long time since we last had them at home, possibly even years. Before I knew what was happening my arm was reaching towards the packet and I grabbed it. I boldly put in in the cart and knew that we were going to have fajita's this week.

When I got home I announced that there would be fajita's on the menu this week and I needed chicken. Three out of the four members of this family prefer dark meat so I declared that boneless skinless chicken thighs needed to be purchased. I had a pepper and onion all ready. These are what are the usual fajita toppings. I was drooling at the prospect of this much loved meal.

More grocery shopping was done by my soon to be ex and of course he forgot to buy the chicken. The one thing I asked for. I think I heard the fajita mix cry a little. How was I going to make chicken fajitas without chicken? Luckily I had a few stashed dollars and I took the children to the store and bought the meat I needed.

As we walked through produce my son saw a portabella mushroom and was instantly drawn to it. He begged me to buy it. I have a rule, if my children beg for something from produce I buy it. I encourage them to want to try new food and want them to want to eat more fruits and vegetables. I guess I have to apply that to fungus, because it too is in produce. So into the cart it went and I said I was going to cut it up and put it in the fajita.

Then my daughter saw yellow zucchini. The color of it was the brightest yellow I have ever seen yellow squash. Are yellow squash and yellow zucchini the same thing? They sure look the same. Because her brother got to pick an item to put in the fajitas she wanted to pick the zucchini to put in them. I could do that so I added it as well. I am lucky she picked zucchini instead of something less appetizing like cow liver.

It was on the way home that they finally asked me what a fajita was and I explained that it was like a taco with cooked vegetables and usually made with sliced chicken or steak. Then as the words left my mouth I thought to myself, "What have you done, you know they don't like tacos!!!" As if on cue the complaining began and my son started to freak out.

Because he has asperger's he is very sensitive to taste, he prefers bland food. He wanted nothing to do with spicy mexican food! He already knew that he would hate it and the tears started to flow. I made a deal with them. If I could make the fajita's less spicy would they eat at least 1/2 of a fajita? To my amazement they agreed.

We got home and they went to a friends house to play. I could cook in peace and they wouldn't see that onions and peppers were being added. I cut that mushroom in thin slices. The zucchini was cut in strips that resembled spaghetti noodles. (Which by the way is something I add to spaghetti when we have it and they never know that they are eating extra vegetables.) The house was smelling wonderful.

I caramelized the onions and added the green pepper. Once it was soft in went the rest of the ingredients. There was about twice as many ingredients than the mix instructions called for. To thin out the sauce, and hopefully muted the flavors a bit, I used 1/2 cup of water instead if 1/3. Then as if on cue the children came home, dinner time had arrived.

As promised I only gave each one 1/2 of a fajita and I made mac and cheese as a side dish. Then to my amazement, even though he protested and claimed that he hated it, he ate every single bite. My husband, who hates fajitas, had seconds and took some to work for his break. My daughter, who insisted on having sour cream on hers decided that she didn't like the sour cream. She finally ate hers once I scraped the offending topping off.

Victory was mine. My favorite meal is now in our dinner rotation. The only downside to this meal was that even with all the extra ingredients there were no leftovers. Next time I will have to make more, and there will be a next fajita night!

Romantic Movies - After The Closing Credits

I love to watch romantic movies. It allows me to escape from the loveless world my marriage has become. But them I think, once upon a time we had the romantic movie. There was a time when for no reason while we grocery shopped that he just stopped and would give me hug. There was a time when he just looked at me I would melt.

So I wonder what happens after the closing credits? Do they live happily ever after like we hope they do? Maybe over the years they slowly drift apart and end up in seperate rooms of a house watching two tvs and not talking. Or like in my case maybe the guy ends up being too controlling and treats his leading lady like garbage. WHile t the same time cheating on her until he gets caught.

How often does the romantic movie stay romantic throughout the years? I like to think that my parents still get that mushy feeling after all these years. People I have seen get married through out my life are still together and seem to be happy to me. Of all my friends to get married I think I am the first one to start the divorce process. I think I am the only one who lost the happily ever after.

One of my friends has been married for 19 years. I believe she and her husband are a living romantic movie. Whenever I see them together I feel the love. Her gardens are to die for, just like you see in the movies. Her children are well behaved and are charitable. I am glad she is in my life. She keeps me believing in romance and happily ever after. It is because of her that I know I can find my happily ever after someday.

She is the one that I can reminisce with about the time we saw Footloose and had the most fun that we ever had at the movies. She is the one who emails me things to make me smile like "How to give a pill to a cat". We have been friends as long as I can remember and she keeps me grounded.

Her husband makes all husbands look ordinary at best. He is handy and works hard to keep their house in good repair. He is so handy that when they built an addition on their house he did most of the interior work. He is a leader in Boy Scouts and trims hedges. I too have known him for decades, and I am proud to call him a friend.

I have seen them hold hands on the beach as the waves caressed their toes. I have gone to Disney with them and had more fun than I thought was possible. We have gone through so much together that I couldn't imagine what life would be like without them.

I wonder what my movie looks like to them? They were with me every step of the way. I remember the first time she saw my husband. We had been dating for less than a month and went to a college astronomy club get together at a college owned camp. He looked absurd. He was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt and blue seat pants. When I showed her a photo of him at camp she called him on it. "What is he wearing?" she asked me. He did have shorts on under the ugly sweat pants that matched the outfit. It is funny that that moment stands out, was that were our movie began?

Well I am about to start rewriting my movie. It may not have a leading man in it for a while, but it will have a strong leading lady. Too my best friend in the universe thanks for being you. It is because of you that I have faith in myself that I can get through this and be strong while I do it. I hope everyone has a friend like mine.

Our First Postcards

We received our first postcards today and they came all the way from The United Kingdom. My husband brought in the mail and he never mentioned to me that any postcards came. Luckily I noticed them on a table in the kitchen. I shudder to think what would have happened had I not gone through the pile.

Mel sent us two postcards from Lincoln, Lincolnshire. It looks lovely from the photographs on the fronts of the postcards. My son zoned right in on the castle and I am sure had visions of jousting and knights running trough his head.

We read the descriptions and the wonderful facts about the area that Mel wrote about. Then we went to Google Maps. I started at our house and slowly zoomed out. We talked a bit about local geography as I brought us further and further from our house. Then we began the virtual journey to The United Kingdom. We went across the Atlantic Ocean and the kids saw how big it was. It is much larger than any of the Great Lakes.

Once we got to The United Kingdom, we found Lincoln thanks to those lovely red pins that Goggle Maps uses. Both children were interested in different things. My son wanted to see the buildings so we went to street view for that. My daughter however wanted to see the "flatness" around Lincoln. So I zoomed out for her. It is funny that I never thought to use Google Maps when we did this the first time.

I only thought of it now because when I taught a lesson on maps to a first grade class I used it with the Promethean (like a Smart Board) Board. It really allowed to them to see how maps are drawn of cities and towns.

I am hoping we get a lot of postcards this summer. We can't afford to do any real traveling so I hope our virtual exploration helps keep them entertained this summer. Thanks Mel for our first postcards of the summer, you should be getting mine soon.

Hindsight and The Future

Looking back on where we started to have problems, it was after I became a mom. When I started to get some independence. I joined a moms group and my world opened up. Before we dated I rode my bicycle everywhere. I would ride in the rain if I needed to. I couldn't drive but I didn't let that stop me. A friend of mine was performing at a local pub near the airport. I couldn't get a ride so I rode my bike to see him. It was a long bike ride but I did it and I got to spend the evening with wonderful friends.

When we started dating, he drove me to more and more places. I started to rely on him and his car more and more. As a result I rode my bicycle less and less. By the time we were married I hardly rode it at all. It needed a tune up and a new chain. He built bicycles and furniture for a living. He never fixed mine no matter how many times I asked him to.

When I went back to school, there was some friction, but he still was the driver and he still controlled me that way. If I wanted to go someplace and he didn't we didn't go. Eventually that became the norm and though I didn't realize it them it was an issue. If I got mad and left to calm down he would follow me in the car real slow. The police even stopped him once because he was doing that. They thought he was stalking me.

When we grocery shopped if he didn't like what I was picking he would have a temper tantrum. We always fought while grocery shopping because he insisted on doing it his way. Eventually I stopped grocery shopping. He does it all now. I loved to shop for groceries but I let him take it away from me.

When we moved into the house we moved out of a year ago my parents bought us dressers because we didn't have any closets and I needed a place to put my clothes. He assembled the dresser meant for him, but mine and the night stands he ignored. The more I asked him to build them (remember he used to build furniture for a living) he refused. Almost two years passed before he started building my dresser. One of the pieces was broken and the company that made it didn't have the part anymore. When we moved to this house he controlled what we moved here. When I went "behind his back" and brought things over I wanted he had a hissy fit.

When I turned 40 and started facing my fears, coincidently the same time that our son was diagnosed with asperger's, and started driving more he lost some of his control and then things got much worse. When I went back to school a second time for my master's he tried at first to talk me out of it. His mother tried to get him to not allow me to go. I made it clear that the decision was made and I wasn't asking for permission, I was telling him (them) that I was doing it.

I can see it so clearly now, but I was blind to it while it was happening. I let him take so much away from me. I had no power until I started to assert myself. I wish I had done that years ago. They say hindsight is 20/20, I see that now. Now I just need stay on course and focused so I don't slide backwards. That is one reason why I am being so vocal about him cheating on me and getting this divorce. I need to follow through and do it. I don't want to look back on this time of my life and regret that I didn't get a divorce. Instead of dwelling on the past and hindsight now I need to look forward and stay on this path.

The End of the School Year - Anxiety for Mommy

The kids went to bed, it is the last school night of the year. My son is in the orchestra next year and got his chosen instrument - percussion! I am such a lucky Mommy. Drums, luckily I only need to buy him drum sticks and a practice drum pad. He is thrilled and went to bed tonight excited about getting his own drum sticks. Now it is quiet and I feel awful. What if I have to move out of the school district? What if he can't get drums in whatever school he has to go to? What if his asperger's is more of a problem in a new district?

The anxiety hit me like a freight train and I am out of my meds. I try to ground myself and relax. I used to be able to do this with no effort. When I was in labor with both children meditation helped me get through it all with no medication for my daughter and almost no meds with my son. Meditation and grounding was second nature to me. Now I am effected by anxiety with no notice.

The last couple days have been overall okay. I could almost forget that my marriage has fallen apart. I have been focused on the children's last week of school. My son has had fits of crying and sadness. Sometimes he was wandering around like a lost puppy. Then on the flip side he was thrilled that he could play with his friends longer and would almost be too silly at times.

My daughter and I have been planning her "Pinkalicous" birthday party. She has come up with so many ideas, most are the typical products of a six year olds imagination, but some of them are doable. So life has been pretty full and active this week. I don't think I have had much time to dwell on my own misery. Well, until today that is.

I am nervous about my psychologist appointment tomorrow. The last time I saw him I was focused on going back to school. My life has changed so much since then. Though he was the first one who opened my eyes to how my soon to be ex was treating me. He has worked with us both and actually fired my spouse because of his negative attitude.

I see my regular doctor on Friday. The meds that were prescribed to me worked some of the time and other times did nothing for me. The greater the anxiety the less likely the meds were going to work for me. Hopefully they can adjust them for me. They really did help when they worked.

I expected this time of year to be rough on the kids, I didn't know how difficult it would be on me. The good news is the last couple nights have been rainy nights. The sound of rain is a soothing sound to me and last nights all night lightning and thunder made me feel better. Maybe there will be more rumbling tonight.

Postcards From All Over

When my children where much younger, 4 and 2 I believe, I started having people all over the world send us postcards that pictured the area they lived in and they often where informative about the region it came from. We had postcards from many countries, states and provinces. We even got one from Mickey Mouse.

The kids loved going to the mailbox and finding mail for them. That alone made it worth while. We would find where the postcard came from on the map and read all about the area it came from.

I don't know why we stopped. It probably was a gradual thing and then it was gone. I stored all the postcards in a (clean) diaper wipe container. I don't even know if we still have it.

This summer will be a rough one and I don't want the children looking back on the summer of 2011 and only have blah memories. One of the moms in one of my Mommy groups recently started doing this for her children and of course I remembered when we did it. I talked to my children and they are very excited about doing this again.

My son wants a postcard from Antarctica, I am pretty sure they don't have postcards there but if they do I will find a way to get him one. My daughter didn't have a place of preference, she just is excited about getting mail.

Hopefully this project will make the summer a little more fun for them.

A Day of Mistakes

It was 2 am in the morning and I hear someone coming up the stairs. Don't worry, it wasn't a burglar, it was my son and he was crying. He has tissue on his nose and is upset it is another bloody nose and he is upset. I comfort him and after about 30 minutes it finally stops. It would have stopped earlier but he won't keep direct pressure on it so it stuck around for a while.

Well, now he is awake and so was I. I tried to go back to sleep but when an 8 year old with asperger's is awake in the middle of the night he has to be supervised. Bad things happen if he has the run of the house with no adults awake. I have had five pounds of coffee spread all over my living room, cement mixed with water on the living room rug and all my dry mixes, sugar, flour and eggs mixed together in the basement when he wakes up before a grown up.

I turned on the tv to shows he would be interested in around 4 am so I could at least rest a little. He went down for breakfast around 7 am and Daddy was upset with me because obviously I had given him a snack full of sugar that kept him awake all night. Never mind that he had fallen asleep no problem.

I am learning to not react as much when he screams at me for things that I had no control over. Finally the kids went to school and I managed to get to sleep around 9 am. So both adults in the house had no sleep last night. The Daddy was working and the Mommy was dealing with a child awake all night basically.

I knew this was a disaster in the making. It is the end of the school day and it was a half day. I was going to have to watch the children in the afternoon while Daddy slept. He has the job and makes the money so he gets to sleep. That is the theory and I tried to go with it.

It takes me a while to fall asleep and when I do it also takes me a while to wake up. This is nothing new and has been a thorn in our marriage for a while. I try to wake up, and most of the time I can and do. However there are some days that are harder for me to wake up from. Unfortunetly today was one of them and I admit that I asked for an extra 30 minutes of sleep.

He didn't like the request and instead of telling me that he needed me awake right then, or asking nicely for me to wake up again he didn't say anything and I assumed he was giving me the extra 30 minutes. I was wrong.

He told the kids he was leaving to go somewhere to sleep and in effect left two children unsupervised. Eventually my daughter came upstairs and asked me for some food. I thought 30 minutes had passed and she was my wake up call. Again I was wrong. It was the middle of the afternoon. I had slept the day away, and I knew my soon to be ex must be upset. I should have been awake hours ago. Not my proudest moment.

I came down stairs and Daddy was nowhere to be seen. She told me he left to get some sleep. I then noticed my son was not around. She told me he was playing with the hose in the back yard. He had made a huge puddle on the lawn and was playing in it. It was several inches deep. Visions of drowning and other assorted awful events went through my head. I didn't call up their father. I was mad, but I knew it was my bad too. When he finally came home I apologized and was going to drop it.

He however was not. He told me it didn't matter if I got no sleep over night his sleep was more important so his sleep was priority. I kind of agreed but he was screaming at me and verbally attacking me. I mentioned how he shouldn't have left with me asleep and no one supervising the kids. He told me that I was. Arguing was futile at this point in his mind he was in the right and he left me in charge of the kids it shouldn't matter if I am awake or asleep, in his mind anyway. We both were at fault and I needed to get away.

So I went to the bank to deposit a check my parents gave me for an early birthday gift. The money is to buy a garden planter that will allow for a garden that can be moved if necessary. I can finally get my vegetables planted and if vegetables aren't ripe when I move I can bring the garden with me.

Lucky me this caused another fight. He wanted me to go to the bank the check was drawn from and cash it there (paying a fee of course) then deposit the cash into our account. I told him I was going to the bank to deposit it and was not going to take the extra step. It was inconvenient and he was in charge of the kids until I come back.

At the bank I opened up my own checking account just in my name. Another step in the process of us separating and divorcing. The woman at the bank was so helpful and gave me wonderful advice. I see my psychologist on Thursday and my anxiety still at time is so bad that I can almost not function. How am I going to make it through the summer?

My Baby is Growing Up

I feel like she was just born yesterday. How did she grow up so fast? We always called her Diva before she was born. She made sure that she made her presence known. I remember joking with a sonogram technician when they took at peek at her that she was doing flips. The technician said it was too early for me to feel her so I must be mistaken. Then the image came up and she was doing flips. Score 1 for Mommy!

All through my pregnancy I was worried that she would get stuck being born. It wa my one big pregnancy fear. Everyone reassured me that it will be fine, the doctor, my friends even my doula. Then my diva got stuck. Not only that but she tore me, the doctor said if he didn't know better that he might have thought it was deliberate. She jerked her head at the exact wrong time. When I first saw her she was pouting. When I saw her tiny fingers she gave me the finger. Yes my daughter was her own personality from the beginning.

Now six years have gone by and she is sleeping over at a friends house for the first time. Even that happened with her own little diva twist to it. She and her friend planned it all at school one day. She came home from school and started packing and was all ready to go. Luckily I was armed with the phone number of my fellow mommy who was being ambushed by her own daughter at her house.

Sadly we had to put a stop to that sleepover, and the girls were taught that all future sleepovers must be Mommy approved before the invitation. We picked a date two weeks in the future and the girls were happy again. The plans started again and all were happy.

Tonight is the big night, my diva ran into the house and started packing. She gathered everything together and after a couple reminders like she needed jammies and a change of clothes. Finally it was time to go.

I put all THREE of her bags into the car for her overnight sleepover. Then I added her two toned pink comforter. She had her pillow pet, and many other assorted stuffies with her. We drove around the corner and pulled into the driveway. I have never seen my daughter get out of our car faster.

She was so anxious after I rang the bell, "what was taking so long?" She was even tapping her little foot. I am in so much trouble if she is like this at only six!

The house is missing her energy tonight, it definitely feels different. She is old enough to sleep at friends houses. What will be next? With so much going on right now will I be able to handle it? I hope I can find a place to live nearby. I don't want to rip her away from her friends at the same time that her father and I live in seperate places. She will have so many things happening around her that I hope I can keep her in a familar environment. I would stay here if I could but that decision has clearly been made by his mother and I am not welcome. She is growing up and I am so afraid.

Anxiety, and Aspie Days

This time of year is so hard on my son. School is ending and his routine is changing. Everyday in school something is different. Tomorrow is field days and he is so excited. I am not looking forward to him coming home. The day is unstructured and he will be wound up when he comes home.

The sun is out longer and he wants to play outside, he doesn't have homework everyday anymore so when it is time for homework he has free time. But he gets so excited that he forgets the rules. I have to be big bad mommy and enforce them. He ran outside tonight to play but didn't ask nor did he tell me where he was going. I can't allow him to do that so I have to be the bad guy and make him come back in.

To hear him it was the end of the world, he just forgot, why was I being so mean. But that is my role. I am the parent who enforces the rules, I am the parent they don't dare say no to. I am the one who makes them cry. I hate it. I remember being a child and I remember how I felt when my father enforced the rules. The difference was back then he had assistance from my mother.

In this house it is just me. Their father has almost no authority with them and he doesn't understand why. He tells the kids to do something they ignore him or defy him and he walks away and tells me how he told the kids to do something and they didn't and he gives up. So then I have to tell the kids the exact same thing but with authority and they do it.

I have been put in the position of being the law in the house and I am never off duty. Not that any parent ever is but usually they can get support from the other parent. I don't even like leaving the house with him in charge because I know it will be a disaster when I come back and if I comeback after bedtime I know they will be awake.

Tonight and the next few weeks will be Aspie Days. My son's emotions will be like a roller coaster and we all will just want to get off the ride. His father will be snapping, because even three years after the asperger's diagnosis he doesn't understand it. He know what I have told him, but never has done his own research. I say he knows what I told him, I should rephrase that, he remembers some of the things I told him. He just really doesn't understand it. He thinks it is something that a child should be able to control.

His favorite analogy to use is when Fonzie on Happy Days was blind Ritchie made him put his motorcycle together with no help. First that is not real life!. Second blindness is not the same thing as Asperger's. Every year at the end of the school year we go through so many changes and adjustments that I feel like I will go crazy. The worst one is that Daddy sleeps all day because he works all night. He does not adjust well to children playing during the day. The children do not adjust well to trying to stay quiet while they play because Daddy is sleeping.

How long until September? I hope I can get through this summer!